Page 9 | Revenge on the OW

Wishywash · 06/12/2021 21:04

A very astute post.

That idea had crossed my mind

Do assume the same about people who correctly point out that the ex-husband is the real one to blame in situations like this? Anyone who sees things from the evil other woman’s side must be one of them themselves.

Having sympathy for someone clearly suffering from mental health issues does not mean I’m the same as them, it means I’m a human being.

I couldn’t care less about anyone’s mental health issues after (or before) they’ve fucked someone already attached. Then proceeded to spill their guts in order to cause more pain to an unwilling victim in a mess of their making.

It’s toxic chaos, created in part by the aforementioned person. Ruining someone else’s life in the process.

Zero empathy.

You don’t understand how mental health breakdowns work, do you? It’s not rational decision making planning all of this out.

And the other woman isn’t one who took marriage vows. Are you that dumb to think OP’s ex-husband didn’t lead the other woman on to think that they had a chance together and that everything was over with OP?

She may get there one day, she may not. But outside of you, I don’t think anyone else is remotely judging the OP for saying what she’s said

I don’t understand the point of this. I’m not allowed to point something out because no one else did it first? Do you not know how ideas work?

The OW isn't here. The OP blowing off steam anonymously is not harmful to the OW

Stigmatising mental health affects everyone. Saying you hope someone with mental health issues suffers is unforgivable, whether the person is there to read it or not.

I wish I could keep replying to all of your ignorant mental health comments but I feel like I’m losing IQ points the more I post so I’m closing this tab.

Do me a favour and bookmark this thread to re-read in 10 years when hopefully mental health destigmatisation has gone beyond something to post about on Facebook and actually practised in real life. Hopefully you will have learned a bit by then.

AliceA2021 · 06/12/2021 21:05

You handled this amazingly well. Your ex and her have come out looking like lying cheats. She sounds deranged too.

Move on and ignore the woman, she's mad and if you do something she may strike back at you @Revengeisbittersweet

DeliaOwens · 06/12/2021 21:13

You best revenge is no revenge.
Heal.
Move on.
Be happy.

Hawkins001 · 06/12/2021 21:32

@Revengeisbittersweet

Now i've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Back story for you. A while back now during a particularly bad patch in my marriage when my dh and I had all but decided to separate he ended up having a drunken ONS with someone i knew relatively well.

Well unbeknown to me (as he never told me) he realised it was a massive mistake, gave him a massive kick up the arse and he decided he wanted to save our marriage. Again all unbeknown to me. BUT his behaviour from that point changed, he became so much nicer to me, so much more tolerant. He stopped drinking.

Anyway our relationship improved quite a lot and we stayed together, all the while i was oblivious to the ONS. Well it turns out that the OW fell head over limerence with my Dh and spent the following year tearing herself apart and imploding her life because she couldn't understand why he had made her feel there could of been a chance of a relationship only to tell her immediately after that it was a mistake. Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him and was as desperate as him that i never find out. But she proceeded to involve many of our mutual friends and they spent the following 12 months of dealing with her emotional fallout over it. And helping her to get over it but from all what i've heard she became completely obsessed, convincing herself every innocent interaction they had after was some secret sign of his love.

Anyway it all came to a head and she finally told me the truth. In a rather dramatic disclosure but basically told me they were in love and had had the most intense love affair over the space of 6 months when he broke her heart. She was very detailed in her disclosure and this was where she shot herself in the foot as she listed things and places i had been as the start of there affair and it ended when i was somewhere else (bear in mind the disclosure came over 2 1/2 yrs later). I keep a diary and on going back over it and double checking it with her the two events were only 14 days apart but the affair she claimed went on for months and months. She also threw our mutual friends under the bus saying they all knew and betrayed me. It turns out there were quite a few people who knew - humiliating much! Anyway this was another downfall as everyone said the same story - it was a drunken ONS, my husband was completely guilt ridden after it happened and told her it was a mistake, she lost the plot and convinced herself they were in love and he was tormented by not being able to be with her.

Anyway if you've made it this far congrats . Sadly the disclosure resulted in the end of our marriage, there was no bog fall out. I didn't particularly blame him for the ONS as we were in theory on the verge of splitting and there was a lot of unhappiness at that time. But it was the fact all this was going on afterwards with people we knew all party and i never knew. It was all a big betrayal of truat. ANYWAY HERE IS MY ISSUE.

I never confronted her, i never called out and said it was bullshit, that her dates didn't work out. I just thanked her for telling me. She desperately wanted us to meet but i declined she then sent a really unnecessary message detailing things they'd done in bed and things he'd apparently said about me. It was cruel but i think it was her way of really getting the final kick in for my exDH Who she still claims is her soul mate and has ruined her life.

Anyway i'm over everything else I've moved on, luckily we had no children so it was a relatively swift aplit. I have a great life, great friends etc i'm very lucky, my exH has paid the ultimate price for his mistake but i am somewhat consumed in those quiet moments where i want to kick her arse still, i want her to have a miserable time, i want revenge as she was a friend of sorts and i was only ever nice to her before, during and after. Others have said this will have driven her mad she wanted the drama and my not reacting or responding has really given me the higher ground, i haven't publicly aired my dirty linen. But i still want to get her back?? Why and will this feeling ever go? Or should i dream up some kind of revenge that she can't track back to me so i can finally move on?

I'm puzzled if your relationship was improving before you knew about the ons, what happened to cause a second decline in the relationship ?

unname · 06/12/2021 21:36

Well, I think WW made a good decision stepping away from the discussion at least.

Philly1234 · 06/12/2021 21:50

I don’t think you’ve got the full picture and I wonder if unconsciously it’s not adding up and therefore it’s difficult to lay to rest for you.

I appreciate that her dates didn’t add up. And I know you’ve moved on from your ex now but something about this does not ring right.

How could she possibly consider him her soulmate after a ONS? who is their right mind would continue to pursue a married man who’d reconciled with his wife after a ONS? unless of course she isn’t in her right mind…

Or it wasn’t just a ONS.

givingupchocolatemonday · 06/12/2021 21:51

Only read the first page of responses but wow..... these people need to live a little.
As long as nobody else will get hurt, it makes you feel better and you've nothing to lose then Go for it.

You don't shag another woman's husband (rocky or not) then tell the wife all about it in glorified detail. That must of been awful and so hurtful to read

You ask why it takes up so much mind space... I say you have unfinished business

SW1amp · 06/12/2021 21:56

@Philly1234

Read about limerence…

Philly1234 · 06/12/2021 21:59

I know all about limerance @SW1amp but from a ONS… and to pursue and go to all those lengths to let OP know… in my view OW is either unhinged or there’s more than a ONS.

BTW OP in no way do I mean to sound insensitive. You asked for advice re why you can’t let this go and I wondered if it was because it doesn’t properly add up.

Aderyn21 · 06/12/2021 22:01

I think that how you feel is totally normal - not only did she sleep with your h but she also dragged all your friends into her delusions as well. It's really horrible feeling like you were the only person not to know what was going on in your own life.
But you've already done the best thing by not letting her see that she has any affect on you whatsoever. Your husband chose you and that has driven her nuts. And even after you left him, he still didn't want her. And she has made a right tit of herself in front of all your friends.
I do think that the real problem here is that your h knew what she was like and didn't fully disclose the truth immediately and that's what has cost him and you the chance to repair your marriage. But that's on him.

Don't judge your friends too harshly - they were stuck between a rock and a hard place.
You are happy and your life is turning out well.
It's still natural to want to pinch her face in though!

SW1amp · 06/12/2021 22:02

Limerent people convince themselves they’ve met their soul mate after a lot less than a ONS! It’s by its very definition irrational, so if you know all about it, it can’t be any sort of surprise to hear what the OW did in a limerent state

Nor does it automatically mean there was more than a ONS

EveningOverRooftops · 06/12/2021 22:03

@Revengeisbittersweet

Does any of this make sense. I am basically really struggling with not calling her out and i think of her sitting there thinking she got one over on me makes me so cross. But i know if i saw her tomorrow and she tried to talk to me about it i would say 'mate im so over it don't loose any sleep over it'

She lied to you and attempted to manipulate you so he would run to her. She was hoping your marriage would implode and he would realise his mistake and go back to her.

That’s what you have a problem with. Her lies and attempts at manipulation.

At the best of times I’d be raging at someone who tried this let alone when it was a clear attempt to ruin my home.

MrsFoxyplease · 06/12/2021 22:07

Pity her.
What a desperate woman.
She was so desperate to be in your shoes and even when you moved on up from him he still didn't want her.
What a kick in the teeth.

SophieKat1982 · 06/12/2021 22:30

I think revenge only demonstrates that you still care, really.

My exH left me for OW. I hid away for about a year because I felt humiliated and ashamed. Eventually, I acknowledged that much of what I was feeling was linked to my ego.

I wondered who knew about the affair but covered up for them. There were mutual friends and family members I distanced myself from for a long time afterwards because I wasn’t sure whether or how much they knew. I felt surrounded by betrayal for a long time. I turned to a quiet hobby that soothed me. And after 18 months, I emerged from the chrysalis and rose from the ashes and life is great now.

Nurture your own soul. Don't waste precious time or energy on others who are not deserving of it.

Didimum · 06/12/2021 22:36

Rather than being about dignity, my concern would be that she is likely so unhinged and detached from reality that any attempt to gain revenge or put her in her place would simply be wasted, and potentially even infuriate you further. She already sounds pretty miserable. I don’t think any further action from you will make a difference to how she or how you feel.

Having said all that, as a PP mentioned, I also did question whether there is more to their affair than you suspect. Perhaps you may never know.

Philly1234 · 06/12/2021 22:37

Thanks for that @SW1amp

So, going along with the limerence theory - her obsessive refusal to let go and her persistent attempts to give “her side of the story” based solely on a ONS suggest she was unhinged; and actually her behaviour sounds harassing. Not unheard of. And if that is the case then, if OP genuinely believes it was limerence/obsession then perhaps she could try to reframe the whole ordeal with that in mind. OW is/was unstable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2021 22:38

The best revenge is indifference. Which you can fake until you really feel it. I would strongly recommend some counselling, I found it invaluable and a way of gaining closure after a horrible break up without having to have contact with my ex.

Franticbutterfly · 06/12/2021 23:56

Don't do it, it'll come back to bite you in the arse (I'm speaking from experience).

Onthedunes · 07/12/2021 00:25

If this ons/affair was not the cause of your marriage break up, then contacting or inflicting revenge on her now, will make it look like she was the cause of the break up.

Do not give her that idea, she sounds the type to run with that and start professing that he was head over heels with her.

She sounds deranged, don't give her the satisfaction of linking your break up with her.

I think I would cull some of the 'friends' who don't seem ashamed that they lied and witheld the affair from you.

I hope you continue to thrive.

Saltyquiche · 07/12/2021 00:52

My advice would be get some therapy and move onwards and upwards, reflecting on what you can learn from the situation and then living your own life to its fullest. After all a life well lived is the best revenge (regardless of sex).

Really don’t get bogged down with their stories and who is to blame more. Your husband sounds awful and she is equally as awful.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/12/2021 04:21

Revengeisbittersweet
God i hate people who say woman who have been cheated on are in some way lacking in dignity because they react!!!

Me too. Its so over-rated.

Im not surprised you're ruminating over this. I would. Well done for getting rid of the sly cheating husband btw. Doesnt matter if they only did it once on a Sunday or every day for a week - he knowingly had sex with your friend so he's beyond shady.

I'm not going to say you shouldn't be vengeful though - why shouldn't you be?

Do something nice for youself, something youve always wanted to do, and see if that makes you feel better.

Alternatively if you really feel you want to confront this woman then have a game plan and a good think about what you want to say to her, and how. Reglect on whether you will actually feel better after talking to her; maybe you wont so that must be taken into account.

Good luck

christmaspavlova · 07/12/2021 04:24

@Revengeisbittersweet

God i hate people who say woman who have been cheated on are in someway lacking in dignity because they react!!!

To be fair it's true. It's over so just love on with your life. Be happy and successful, have therapy if necessary.

ispepsiokay · 07/12/2021 05:01

I think that you've partially had a little revenge here, she's spent a considerable amount of time convinced that he loves her but you're in the way, she's gone as far as telling you what happened (plus a whole heap of bullshit) and all she's got nothing to show for it. He didn't go running into her arms once she'd 'set him free' and you're getting on with your life.

It's perfectly normal to think about previous events in our lives and wish we'd handled things a little differently though surely, it doesn't make it an obsession 🤣🤣

NdujaWannaDance · 07/12/2021 05:36

And the other woman isn’t one who took marriage vows. Are you that dumb to think OP’s ex-husband didn’t lead the other woman on to think that they had a chance together and that everything was over with OP?

I take issue with that. If he called things to an abrupt halt after he slept with her, perhaps he just realised things were not right and he'd made a mistake. Perhaps the intimate experience turned out to be not all that, for him. It happens. Many a time a woman has come away from a sexual experience and thought 'urrgh. Not for me. Won't be doing that again.'

Why can't a man? Why has he somehow led the woman on, with the unspoken promise of a solid relationship after sex? Even if he had led her to think that, perhaps he beleived it himself at the time - up until the point that he didn't. He's perfectly entitled to change his mind. We all are.

She slept with him knowing he was married. It didn't go her way. He decided he preferred his wife after all. Them's the breaks.

NdujaWannaDance · 07/12/2021 05:41

And at the time they had sex it seems he did think everything was over with the OP. Then he realised, having dipped his toe in the water with someone else that the grass wasn't greener and he wanted to work on his marriage. Totally his perogative and if you get involved with a person who is already heavily involved with someone else, it's always the risk.

Having a broken heart is very hard. But I don't think we can treat her as some sort of victim here. She lost any sympathy from me when she decided to tell all to the OP, in excuciating unnecessary detail just to hurt her, as some sort of retaliation. The OP didn't hurt the OW, her DH did. So that was out of order.