Revenge on the OW

[Revengeisbittersweet]

Now i've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Back story for you. A while back now during a particularly bad patch in my marriage when my dh and I had all but decided to separate he ended up having a drunken ONS with someone i knew relatively well.

Well unbeknown to me (as he never told me) he realised it was a massive mistake, gave him a massive kick up the arse and he decided he wanted to save our marriage. Again all unbeknown to me. BUT his behaviour from that point changed, he became so much nicer to me, so much more tolerant. He stopped drinking.

Anyway our relationship improved quite a lot and we stayed together, all the while i was oblivious to the ONS. Well it turns out that the OW fell head over limerence with my Dh and spent the following year tearing herself apart and imploding her life because she couldn't understand why he had made her feel there could of been a chance of a relationship only to tell her immediately after that it was a mistake. Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him and was as desperate as him that i never find out. But she proceeded to involve many of our mutual friends and they spent the following 12 months of dealing with her emotional fallout over it. And helping her to get over it but from all what i've heard she became completely obsessed, convincing herself every innocent interaction they had after was some secret sign of his love.

Anyway it all came to a head and she finally told me the truth. In a rather dramatic disclosure but basically told me they were in love and had had the most intense love affair over the space of 6 months when he broke her heart. She was very detailed in her disclosure and this was where she shot herself in the foot as she listed things and places i had been as the start of there affair and it ended when i was somewhere else (bear in mind the disclosure came over 2 1/2 yrs later). I keep a diary and on going back over it and double checking it with her the two events were only 14 days apart but the affair she claimed went on for months and months. She also threw our mutual friends under the bus saying they all knew and betrayed me. It turns out there were quite a few people who knew - humiliating much! Anyway this was another downfall as everyone said the same story - it was a drunken ONS, my husband was completely guilt ridden after it happened and told her it was a mistake, she lost the plot and convinced herself they were in love and he was tormented by not being able to be with her.

Anyway if you've made it this far congrats . Sadly the disclosure resulted in the end of our marriage, there was no bog fall out. I didn't particularly blame him for the ONS as we were in theory on the verge of splitting and there was a lot of unhappiness at that time. But it was the fact all this was going on afterwards with people we knew all party and i never knew. It was all a big betrayal of truat. ANYWAY HERE IS MY ISSUE.

I never confronted her, i never called out and said it was bullshit, that her dates didn't work out. I just thanked her for telling me. She desperately wanted us to meet but i declined she then sent a really unnecessary message detailing things they'd done in bed and things he'd apparently said about me. It was cruel but i think it was her way of really getting the final kick in for my exDH Who she still claims is her soul mate and has ruined her life.

Anyway i'm over everything else I've moved on, luckily we had no children so it was a relatively swift aplit. I have a great life, great friends etc i'm very lucky, my exH has paid the ultimate price for his mistake but i am somewhat consumed in those quiet moments where i want to kick her arse still, i want her to have a miserable time, i want revenge as she was a friend of sorts and i was only ever nice to her before, during and after. Others have said this will have driven her mad she wanted the drama and my not reacting or responding has really given me the higher ground, i haven't publicly aired my dirty linen. But i still want to get her back?? Why and will this feeling ever go? Or should i dream up some kind of revenge that she can't track back to me so i can finally move on?

OP you didn’t lose your dignity when your XH had an affair behind your back. I think what people are referring to when they say keep your dignity in tact is your reaction. You can’t control someone else so it’s not your fault he had an affair but you can control the way you react, and it’s far better for you if you rise above any vengeful urges, let it go and get on with your life. You’ll thank yourself for it in years to come.

@Wishywash thanks for your response just to clarify i do not sit and obsess about revenge. Its not effecting my mental health. I am not in contact with any of them. I just happened to be sat wrapping christmas presents this afternoon without a care in the world and annoyingly my mind drifted to her and when, on the odd occasion, this happens i do get into a discussion with myself over why i didnt give her what for. I came on here to find out if 1. This was normal. 2. If i had have given her what fore at the time would i not be allowing my mind to wander to her 3. Was there anyone who had experienced this before who might have some tips.

Im sorry that she experienced limerence after sleeping with my husband but i'm not taking any of the responsibility for that, she'd known me for a good 10 years previously so there was no confusion about our relationship status.

For others asking. We all worked together hence the emails .... they were work related with added bits like oh by the way we are heading to the pub at lunch do you fancy coming type things....and before you ask he always said no.

So as well these werent best buds these were work friends who i have happily cut off and never have to see again at no loss to them or me Im sure

but when the OW rang me to tell me about their relationship I calmly queried which of his girlfriends was speaking

That’s f hilarious

Oh Christ I feel you 🙌🏻 I’m the loyalist friend you’ll ever have but cross me and I turn into this petty monster! I’d be signing her up to over 50 dating sites, sending taxis to her house, ordering take away food on pay cash on delivery, signing her up to every junk catalogue you can think of and putting her number on various forums but I’m a petty cow 🤣🤣

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers 😂😂. Yep what a douche bag i am

@AperolWhore. 😂😂😂. Funnily enough she did that to us

If she did those do you really want her back in your life 😂

It’s not your fault he shagged someone else. You sound annoyed with yourself for not doing something at the time. Bide your time, this woman won’t leave it looking at past behaviour. When/if she brings it up again then say what you need too if it brings you peace. Just be prepared that you’ve opened the door to her crazy unstable behaviour. My Exh shagged a woman in our house, it bought about the end of our marriage, she was nuts and I would have loved to have had my say with her but tbh I was more amused by the shit she gave him when he realised she was a bunny boiler and he had thrown our marriage away on it and struggled to get rid of her. Natural justice 😊

I just happened to be sat wrapping christmas presents this afternoon without a care in the world and annoyingly my mind drifted to her and when, on the odd occasion, this happens i do get into a discussion with myself over why i didnt give her what for. I came on here to find out if 1. This was normal. 2. If i had have given her what fore at the time would i not be allowing my mind to wander to her 3. Was there anyone who had experienced this before who might have some tips.

The fact that your mind went to this during an unrelated moment, you spent time thinking about it, and then even created a thread here suggests that it something bothering you. And giving her a piece of your mind would have been a type of revenge. It also sounds like you’ve thought about this a few times, as per your first post:

but i am somewhat consumed in those quiet moments where i want to kick her arse still, i want her to have a miserable time, i want revenge as she was a friend of sorts and i was only ever nice to her…But i still want to get her back?? Why and will this feeling ever go? Or should i dream up some kind of revenge that she can't track back to me so i can finally move on?

As for this:

Im sorry that she experienced limerence after sleeping with my husband but i'm not taking any of the responsibility for that, she'd known me for a good 10 years previously so there was no confusion about our relationship status.

Limerence is not a rational thing. The subject can be literally anyone and the sufferer has no control over it. I’m not sure why you would be taking responsibility for that, unless you mean you refuse to accept that mental health issues exist.

I can tell you this. My exes infidelity and wanting to get even haunted me for nearly ten years. A complete random meeting with the OM happened on a garage forecourt. Not proud of it but I did let one go which resulted in a broken nose and a visit from the police. It felt good for 10 minutes but changed nothing. He'd still fucked my ex and after previously finding a way forward it just stirred it up again.
That's what I learned that revenge changes nothing, the perception is it will but its short lived and can land you in a whole heap of trouble.
By the sounds of it your cheating husband put this other woman through enough emotional pain. Focus on where you are now and try and let it go.

What possible revenge could you get on her though?

Challenge accepted, off the top of my head:

1. Fill a big bottle with water and dog shit, then use a short rubber hose through her letterbox at night.

1. Mix about 50g of rust and aluminium fillings. Put it on her car bonnet and set light. It will neatly melt a hole through the bonnet and engine, the car will be a write off.

1. List her full contact details and picture on prostitution sites. Does she have a work email?

1. Pop round when she's at work and kill her garden- broad spectrum weed killer chucked on everything green.

1. Is she somewhere that you might be able rent the terrace next door or flat above? A few weeks of playing very high pitched noise all night will drive anyone nuts.

1. Drill a hole in the mortar in her house. Run a tube in and pour a lot of raw egg into the cavity. Repoint the hole. It will take a couple of weeks but the smell is unbearable and she'll never find it.

Caveat:. The above is just for fun, obviously don't do those things.

I think of people like that as tornados. The tornado has no business rampaging through countryside sucking up cows and smashing them to death miles away. But if you attempt to manage, control or interact in any way with the tornado it will also pick you up and hurt or kill you because that's its nature as a tornado.

If you try to deal with her in any way you will just get sucked into her crazy and because she doesn't care about how much damage she does to herself she will probably also do some damage to you. Ignore, roll your eyes and say "Yeah, she says a lot of things" in a dismissive way if someone relays her stories to you and distract yourself if she worms her way into your brain.

I’m assuming your exDH has nothing to do with her? If not I think you can revel in that if it helps - she would have told herself he wasn’t with her because he was doing the valiant thing of trying to save his marriage. Now that’s gone and he still doesn’t want her…?! There’s something if it makes you feel a bit better!

@AperolWhore

Oh Christ I feel you 🙌🏻 I’m the loyalist friend you’ll ever have but cross me and I turn into this petty monster! I’d be signing her up to over 50 dating sites, sending taxis to her house, ordering take away food on pay cash on delivery, signing her up to every junk catalogue you can think of and putting her number on various forums but I’m a petty cow 🤣🤣

You forgot - tipping maggots through her letterbox, throwing dog poo over the back fence into her garden, writing "Miss OW has cacky pants" in toothpaste on her windows, shoving a potato up her exhaust pipe, and sending the undertaker round to collect her.

But i know if i saw her tomorrow and she tried to talk to me about it i would say 'mate im so over it don't loose any sleep over it'

Why? Much more therapeutic to call her a dirty skank.

@Wishywash. Minutes before that i was thinking really must go out and clear the dog poo from the lawn does that mean im obsessed with picking up shit? Damn i need more help than I thought

As for her limerence good, i hope it goes as terrible for her

Understandably you feel aggrieved but don’t carry a festering grudge
It’s toxic and harmful to remain angry & engaged as it effects you. Just prolongs the anguish

I understand where you're coming from OP, after I found out about the other women I would find my thoughts returning to them over and over. He (now ex, thank god!) had introduced me to two of them - I think it's the humiliation that got to me the most, thinking back to sitting there and smiling when I met them, not knowing a thing, wondering who else that was there knew, etc. I thought about them less and less over time (distracted by him showing his true abusive shitbag colours more every day!). Counselling could help, it could be good just to get it said out loud and not just going around in your head.

I still wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire tho, and certainly wouldn't hesitate to fuck them over in some small way if the chance came up

TBH. It sounds like your marriage meant more to you than to your husband and it sounds like that to the OW her relationship meant more to her than to your husband. I think you both are to be pitied as you have both been screwed over by this man who is a clear cheating , lying and doublecrossing waste of space.

I do actually harbour similar feelings.

Perhaps like me you are quite a passionate person at heart? I am a very loyal person, I put a lot on the line for my former Ex, I could have had other options but I made a decision to be committed and loyal. So it’s a massive kick in the teeth to then realise that that has been betrayed not only by our Exes, but by women in our circles who knew we were together, and couldn’t care less. In fact may well have got a bit of a kick out of ‘winning’ over us.

Some women are pretty mean individuals I’m afraid. LIke the men who cheat, it’s really not nice.

So I say - tell her if you like, let it out a bit! You don’t have to keep ‘your dignity’. Keep your values, and your loyalty for the next person and for people in your life who are worth it. But the OW? She doesn’t need your dignity, she has no care in that.

But revenge? Not sure about that, that’s inflicting harm isn’t it? We don’t turn ourselves into horrible people. That’s not good. But letting her know exactly how she betrayed you and how selfish she has been? Why not.

She sounds like one of the Limerance Loons who occasionally pop up on here. Truly, madly, deeply in love with someone else's husband, utterly convinced he is The One and the wife is completely evil for keeping them apart.

Well done on ending the marriage and here's hoping you find your own happy ending.

OP are you mad at her - or at yourself for not giving it to her both barrels when she sent you her BS about when and where?

It's like when someone is rude to you and you slink off, and then two hours or two days later you think of the witty, cutting comeback you could have made that would have withered them to nothing and left them spluttering. But you can't go back and say it, the moment has passed. So it has with her. Don't keep kicking yourself with what you wish you'd said.

I think your pride is hurt too. You were being discussed behind your back by your friends, and that's never nice. But on the other hand it seems like all she did by involving them was a make a prize fool of herself, not you. They know what happened and they don't believe her BS either.

Make a model of her and stick pins in it if you must, but know that you've had your revenge. You had the option of staying with her heart's desire but you kicked him out. I bet that hurt her more than you were ever hurt. She's miserable, you're not. She lives in a fantasy world, you live in the real one.

Make your peace with what you wish you'd said but didn't, and let it go. Even though it's only an occasional passing thought, don't give her that tiny bit of head space.

@tallduckandhandsome

But i know if i saw her tomorrow and she tried to talk to me about it i would say 'mate im so over it don't loose any sleep over it'

Why? Much more therapeutic to call her a dirty skank.

Ha ha! This.

Ex had a 6 year affair and they're still together. I kept a dignified silence and I'm glad. I'm fine now. You'll be ok. Get on with your own life and thank goddess you're rid of him.

@Revengeisbittersweet just trust in karma my dear.

I wonder if you would say that you have a strong sense of justice/injustice generally? Do you feel strongly for people you barely know when they have been wrongly blamed for something they did not do, for instance? Because if you are generally a person with a strong sense of justice, that might answer your opening question.