Revenge on the OW

[Revengeisbittersweet]

Now i've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Back story for you. A while back now during a particularly bad patch in my marriage when my dh and I had all but decided to separate he ended up having a drunken ONS with someone i knew relatively well.

Well unbeknown to me (as he never told me) he realised it was a massive mistake, gave him a massive kick up the arse and he decided he wanted to save our marriage. Again all unbeknown to me. BUT his behaviour from that point changed, he became so much nicer to me, so much more tolerant. He stopped drinking.

Anyway our relationship improved quite a lot and we stayed together, all the while i was oblivious to the ONS. Well it turns out that the OW fell head over limerence with my Dh and spent the following year tearing herself apart and imploding her life because she couldn't understand why he had made her feel there could of been a chance of a relationship only to tell her immediately after that it was a mistake. Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him and was as desperate as him that i never find out. But she proceeded to involve many of our mutual friends and they spent the following 12 months of dealing with her emotional fallout over it. And helping her to get over it but from all what i've heard she became completely obsessed, convincing herself every innocent interaction they had after was some secret sign of his love.

Anyway it all came to a head and she finally told me the truth. In a rather dramatic disclosure but basically told me they were in love and had had the most intense love affair over the space of 6 months when he broke her heart. She was very detailed in her disclosure and this was where she shot herself in the foot as she listed things and places i had been as the start of there affair and it ended when i was somewhere else (bear in mind the disclosure came over 2 1/2 yrs later). I keep a diary and on going back over it and double checking it with her the two events were only 14 days apart but the affair she claimed went on for months and months. She also threw our mutual friends under the bus saying they all knew and betrayed me. It turns out there were quite a few people who knew - humiliating much! Anyway this was another downfall as everyone said the same story - it was a drunken ONS, my husband was completely guilt ridden after it happened and told her it was a mistake, she lost the plot and convinced herself they were in love and he was tormented by not being able to be with her.

Anyway if you've made it this far congrats . Sadly the disclosure resulted in the end of our marriage, there was no bog fall out. I didn't particularly blame him for the ONS as we were in theory on the verge of splitting and there was a lot of unhappiness at that time. But it was the fact all this was going on afterwards with people we knew all party and i never knew. It was all a big betrayal of truat. ANYWAY HERE IS MY ISSUE.

I never confronted her, i never called out and said it was bullshit, that her dates didn't work out. I just thanked her for telling me. She desperately wanted us to meet but i declined she then sent a really unnecessary message detailing things they'd done in bed and things he'd apparently said about me. It was cruel but i think it was her way of really getting the final kick in for my exDH Who she still claims is her soul mate and has ruined her life.

Anyway i'm over everything else I've moved on, luckily we had no children so it was a relatively swift aplit. I have a great life, great friends etc i'm very lucky, my exH has paid the ultimate price for his mistake but i am somewhat consumed in those quiet moments where i want to kick her arse still, i want her to have a miserable time, i want revenge as she was a friend of sorts and i was only ever nice to her before, during and after. Others have said this will have driven her mad she wanted the drama and my not reacting or responding has really given me the higher ground, i haven't publicly aired my dirty linen. But i still want to get her back?? Why and will this feeling ever go? Or should i dream up some kind of revenge that she can't track back to me so i can finally move on?

You need therapy sorry. All your revenge should be on your cheating ex partner not her. Keep your dignity, go to therapy and look to move on . You both got betrayed, he had an affair and broke your heart and sounds like he led her on and broke hers . That’s punishing enough.

Obviously this ONS scared the shit out of him and you finding out that would have scared the shit out of him too. Your friends who knew would have been scared to tell you so if he or any of them had have said something your reaction (finishing the relationship) is what they were scared of. That's why they didn't say anything. Would you have been able to work this out if he had told you when it happened. Men do stupid things when their heads are battered. Not excusing him but as you said things have been better between you since that event. Good luck hope things turn out for the best

It's not nice at all, but honestly revenge isn't worth it. Do you really want to lower your behaviour for her? Is she worth it? She's done you a favour, honestly. My ex husband cheated on me when our child was just over a year old, in the end I thanked her, literally. She showed me what kind of person he really is. When it first happened, I wanted revenge, but that wouldn't have made me look good in any way. I feel much better that I kept my head high in that situation.

Oh I don't intend to ever speak to her or engage with her ever. I would never give her the satisfaction. My question is why does this take up my mind space. The response she got from me at the time was ok thanks for that, please don't feel bad as we were friends but i was not in love with him at that point and i we had agrees to seperate and he was supposed to leave but kept delaying, then his whole demeanour changed etc

I know its my husband who wronged me, i know she owed me nothing, but come one have some morals. She knew me, and she blamed me from keeping her apart from her soul mate

To end a relationship fully you need complete closure. Now the fact you’re still thinking about that event means there’s a door still ajar somewhere and I suspect that will require a conversation with your ex, not the OW.

Are you friendly exes? Is there stuff you need answers to re. her version of events? They’ll be something there that’s still really pushing you off and your carrying it around. If you can figure out what it is and get the information you need I bet you’ll find you never think of her again.

• pissing

I think you already have your revenge. You have moved on and sound like you are living a good life.

Meanwhile she has made a complete spectacle of herself for a man who didn’t want her and screwed up her life.

I think it is perfectly normal wanting revenge. But it sounds like you’re in a good position. I would cut my losses and make a good comedy story out of it.

“How not to humiliate yourself over a man 101”. She made a complete and utter fool of herself and you can laugh about her being an idiot over a man who after all her jumping thru hoops, still didn’t want her. Meanwhile you’re living life and free to meet a man who can control his penis a bit better.

So all her pick me antics and she still didn’t get picked! How sad and pathetic. Just laugh about it when/if it comes up. This is a great brunch tale to laugh with friends about.

Neither she nor your sleazebqg ex are worth taking revenge on. This is a case of one sleaze bag loser who uses being drunk as an excuse for getting his pants down for a woman not his wife, and a pathetic woman who is a desperate for male attention getting her pants down for someone else’s husband.

Your husband realized his mistake but you got rid of him. Well done. You’re well rid of someone who can’t have a cocktail without screwing random women. And this sad woman was hoping you would meet her and feed her drama. You didn’t engage and she is left to stew in her own home wrecker juices. It all sounds fabulous to me.

The best revenge is one when those who have wronged you blow up their own lives while you stand back and watch with popcorn. Enjoy.

What will revenge achieve? nothing...The best revenge anyway is always to build a better life for yourself, be happy and move on from the people who hurt and disappointed you.

Also I don't understand why you putting most of the blame on this other woman rather than your husband.

He is the one who took a vow. The mistress on the other hand had no emotional or legal investment in you and your happiness...so why go after her? she might be a nasty piece of work but in the end it is your husband who chose to betray you.

Speak a therapist if you are really struggling and focus on your future, don't let the past be a never ending prison for you...

If you can do something that'll piss her off or whatever without it being traced back to you, yeah I can see the appeal of that. I see where you're coming from; you'd get some satisfaction AND keep your "dignity".

However, she does sound quite tragic. You don't really ever know what's going on in someone's life and you wouldn't want to be the cause of somebody suffering (albeit that is exactly what she did to you.....so yeah, I do understand where you're coming from).

What is her situation now? Still single? Do you ever see her? Is she still trying to snag your ex?

The details of what they did in bed, you are right, that is callous. Although do remember it might not even be true. Chances are it was a horribly awkward drunken fumble.

Your apparent indifference and dignity is the best revenge.

She sounds unstable and unhappy, she sounds like she has MH problems. A lot of ow do, because more stable women simply eiuld not ngo there with attached or very recently separated men (not even out of respect for his partner just out of self preservation).

She lied, and you haven't called her out on it. It nade no difference ultimately to how things turned out and you'd just be involving your self in the bat shittery.
You look good as you are, stick with that.

OP, I think it's a good bet that the OW is being very adequately punished by what is going on in her own head. She thought she had netted your ex DH for the long term, that he loved her and cared for her - only to discover that he used and discarded her as a mistaken casual shag.
She will be suffering far more chagrin, pain embarrassment and regret than anything you could possibly inflict on her by way of revenge.
Dismiss her as beneath contempt. Move on. Grudges are heavy things to carry through life - it's better to travel light.

The best revenge is rising above her crap and moving on and being happy.

She sounds absolutely batshit and like she needs some professional help with her mental health.

You and your exe's relationship is over and he still doesn't want her;she hasn't been able to claim her "prize" and is obviously trying to punish you for it.

I imagine your mutual friends are probably mortified they've been dragged into her mess and also want to move on from this too.

I think you already got revenge OP. She tried to twist the knife, she wanted a reaction from you that badly, and you gave her none. It's not about "maintaining your dignity", although it sounds like you've done that too. It's more that she tried to break you too, and you calmly showed her that she doesn't have that kind of power.

If the desire for revenge is causing you issues now, I think the suggestion of trying therapy is a good one. If it isn't, but you just feel like you haven't gotten closure yet, perhaps write about it. Either write her a letter (and never send it, don't give her the satisfaction) telling her all the things you wish you'd said. Or perhaps write it as a story, with you as the heroine, and villify her and your exH as much as you need.

And yeah, if you're going to stick your dick in crazy, you don't have to look v far; you'll find some desperate, unstable critter somewhere in the vicinity. And then they'll act like she has; desperate, exaggerating, maybe even getting carried away themselves so much so they believe it etc.
If it wasn't one unstable woman, it would have been another.... it's on him.

I think not letting go can sometimes be related to feeling you were powerless or you had no choice in a situation - you were just forced to deal with the fallout of someone else’s shit. Sometimes you can feel like you never got your chance to ‘fight back’.

Thing they helped me in a similar betrayal situation was realising I DID have a choice. I could have done lots of things at the time but I chose to walk away and live my life as the best revenge. That’s what you chose to do as well so maybe if you look at it like that you may find it easier to let go.

Also, it strikes me sometimes that i’d still like to go nuclear on the person who betrayed me because in some ways they did get away with hurting me. But that time has passed, if I did anything now i’d be reopening a wound and frankly would be judged for opening that back up. I won’t put myself in that situation.

So it helps sometimes to think of it that way and also yea the non reaction and getting on with your life really does drive people like that crazy as they want the battle, they want the drama, they want a reason to try and make you co-responsible for their shit. Don’t let that happen.

You have managed to extract yourself from a difficult situation and move on. This woman sounds utterly batshit and do you think she will meekly skulk off if you exact some kind of revenge on her?

The best revenge on my ex-wife affair partner is the fact that she is his problem now.

@FreeBritnee. You're right but its the not calling out on her bullshit at the time that bugs me. I knew she was bullshitting me to try and cause the biggest implosion possible. And because i was doing what i'm programmed to do 'keep my dignity' i just said oh ok thanks.

And for all you guys that think i'm a mug for believing my husbands version....i did dig before i spoke to him. Hes not the most tech savvy he'd thought he'd deleted all email communications with her ... he had but he omitted to delete the sent items. So i read everything. Him saying it was a terrible mistake he has no intention of leaving me and he can't bare for me to find out could they please forget it ever happened. Her agreeing and saying god yes totally she was so glad he felt the same way and how she would never tell me as she is petrified of me ever finding out. Then random emails over the following year her saying dont suppose you fanciy coming along to this with a group of us and him response sorry can't. She actually told me he was having affairs left right and centre but the bloke rarely went anywhere without me. She went into great detail about how when i was on holiday with him they spent the whole week emailing there love to each other. I found one email for the dates we were away with her saying how is (destination) would it make a good holiday for her and her daughter. He sent one back saying we were having a great time and it was great for kida.

It comes across as your poor husband was manipulated by a psycho - usually the line cheaters want their wives to buy.

You seem to be disproportionately blaming her. The marriage was already on the brink of splitting and your husband didn’t own up at the time. He wasted many more months of your life, pretending that things were improving. What he did is far worse.

Some therapy to work through these thoughts might help you to process your anger. If, like you say, she is desperate and obsessed, then don’t give her the satisfaction. You’ve started to move on with your life. Keep going!

Call you ex out not the ow, he was in the relationship with you. He’s at fault in the first place.

Does any of this make sense. I am basically really struggling with not calling her out and i think of her sitting there thinking she got one over on me makes me so cross. But i know if i saw her tomorrow and she tried to talk to me about it i would say 'mate im so over it don't loose any sleep over it'

Keep your powder dry @Revengeisbittersweet.
Dish best served cold and all that.

Wait until she is involved with someone and tell him anonymously

@MazzleDazzle god no he's under no illusion what i thought of what he did and what a position he put me in. He got his just deserts

You are wrong though i'm angry at myself for being such a dweeb for not calling out her bullshit

The way the OW is going about things is unhinged, but it's very likely your husband promised her more than he is telling you. It's common for a cheating man, when caught, to pretend the affair was more insignificant than it actually was, and that the other woman is way more into him than he is into her.

I think the reason she is taking up more of your headspace and anger is because she is the easiest to hate. Your husband is the one who betrayed you, and your friends weren't great either. But it's very hard to accept that a person you loved/cared about/were close to etc has betrayed you. You need to put the disappointment somewhere and it's much easier to villainise someone who doesn't matter to you (it doesn't sound like you and the OW were close friends before this?). This is exactly why there is no point in hating her- you didn't matter to her either, and none of that is surprising. Your husband and your friends are people to whom you should've mattered more, and the pain from that is perhaps something a therapist could help with.

Move on, keep your dignity. You can’t take it back if you do or say something you later regret.