Revenge on the OW

[Revengeisbittersweet]

Now i've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Back story for you. A while back now during a particularly bad patch in my marriage when my dh and I had all but decided to separate he ended up having a drunken ONS with someone i knew relatively well.

Well unbeknown to me (as he never told me) he realised it was a massive mistake, gave him a massive kick up the arse and he decided he wanted to save our marriage. Again all unbeknown to me. BUT his behaviour from that point changed, he became so much nicer to me, so much more tolerant. He stopped drinking.

Anyway our relationship improved quite a lot and we stayed together, all the while i was oblivious to the ONS. Well it turns out that the OW fell head over limerence with my Dh and spent the following year tearing herself apart and imploding her life because she couldn't understand why he had made her feel there could of been a chance of a relationship only to tell her immediately after that it was a mistake. Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him and was as desperate as him that i never find out. But she proceeded to involve many of our mutual friends and they spent the following 12 months of dealing with her emotional fallout over it. And helping her to get over it but from all what i've heard she became completely obsessed, convincing herself every innocent interaction they had after was some secret sign of his love.

Anyway it all came to a head and she finally told me the truth. In a rather dramatic disclosure but basically told me they were in love and had had the most intense love affair over the space of 6 months when he broke her heart. She was very detailed in her disclosure and this was where she shot herself in the foot as she listed things and places i had been as the start of there affair and it ended when i was somewhere else (bear in mind the disclosure came over 2 1/2 yrs later). I keep a diary and on going back over it and double checking it with her the two events were only 14 days apart but the affair she claimed went on for months and months. She also threw our mutual friends under the bus saying they all knew and betrayed me. It turns out there were quite a few people who knew - humiliating much! Anyway this was another downfall as everyone said the same story - it was a drunken ONS, my husband was completely guilt ridden after it happened and told her it was a mistake, she lost the plot and convinced herself they were in love and he was tormented by not being able to be with her.

Anyway if you've made it this far congrats . Sadly the disclosure resulted in the end of our marriage, there was no bog fall out. I didn't particularly blame him for the ONS as we were in theory on the verge of splitting and there was a lot of unhappiness at that time. But it was the fact all this was going on afterwards with people we knew all party and i never knew. It was all a big betrayal of truat. ANYWAY HERE IS MY ISSUE.

I never confronted her, i never called out and said it was bullshit, that her dates didn't work out. I just thanked her for telling me. She desperately wanted us to meet but i declined she then sent a really unnecessary message detailing things they'd done in bed and things he'd apparently said about me. It was cruel but i think it was her way of really getting the final kick in for my exDH Who she still claims is her soul mate and has ruined her life.

Anyway i'm over everything else I've moved on, luckily we had no children so it was a relatively swift aplit. I have a great life, great friends etc i'm very lucky, my exH has paid the ultimate price for his mistake but i am somewhat consumed in those quiet moments where i want to kick her arse still, i want her to have a miserable time, i want revenge as she was a friend of sorts and i was only ever nice to her before, during and after. Others have said this will have driven her mad she wanted the drama and my not reacting or responding has really given me the higher ground, i haven't publicly aired my dirty linen. But i still want to get her back?? Why and will this feeling ever go? Or should i dream up some kind of revenge that she can't track back to me so i can finally move on?

Sorry, you're sounding a bit obsessive. You say you've moved on and are having a good life - well then - live that life. Forget it. Bitterness is so corrosive. There will always be willing women to participate with unfaithful husbands. Park that blame where it deserves to be - your ex. For your own well-being stop giving this woman another thought.

@Salayes exactly this.... it was finding myself in a situation where this whole nonsense had been playing out behind my back. I am a massive gobshite, i mean when it all came out my besties were shitting themselves of where my head was gonna go with it. i am also massively loyal and fiercely protective of my closest people. And its the realisation that not everyone else shares that.

But you are completely right its me having behaved in a way that was the right way but i just wished id given her a little something back.

My exH got his

The problem is this. You are a very straight up and down person and you call a spade a spade. She is a desperate drama queen and as a result you despise her for it. I can't stand dramatic people either OP. Also, she lied. So you have three reasons to dislike her. She's overly dramatic to the point of puke. She shagged your husband while he was married to you and she's a liar. In your shoes I would feel exactly the same way you do.
Do nothing. Your ex realised what she was ll about and backed off. Loads of other men will too. That is your revenge. Her going around this loop with loads of blokes.
Years ago I used to go skiing with a friend and the friends friend whom I will call B. B was like this woman. She was stunning and had men all over her but once they copped on to her personality they disappeared PDQ. She was engaged umpteen times but nothing stuck. I spoke to my friend for the first time in thirty years the other day and I asked her how B is. She never married and doesn't even have a bloke and yet (looking at her FB profile) she is still a looker. It's obvious from her photos that she is still looking for a man. This woman will always be a dramatic liar and it will dog her long after you have forgotten her name OP.

OP, I get where you're coming from. I had to deal with a woman like this, it weas only ever a one off yet for some reason she had convinced herself she was irresistible to all men and could have any man she wanted. She also told me a lot of graphic and unnecessary detail about how good in bed she was (so good she'd had 3 figure numbers of one night stands...). I did in the end when her behaviour started to border on stalkerish (calling me from withheld numbers and creating fake social media accounts to message me) break my dignified silence and tell her exactly what I thought of her, and that if she ever dared contact me again I'd report her to the police. That was enough to shut her up.

I did think of revenge but ultimately decided that a life well lived was the best revenge I could get. Years on I think of her occasionally with pity. Time has been the best punishment, I have a good life, and from what I understand she still has none of the things (home, family, career) that she wanted and envied me for. Whilst she has zero self respect and continues to look for a life partner on hook up sites and in swingers clubs which I expect she's still doing, she never will.

As others have said. Therapy seems like the way to go. You say you need to work out why those feelings are still there and want to get over them. A therapist can help you.
It might be that you're over the exH but haven't processed the feelings about your friends betraying you.

@DaphneduM. Insightful
Im certainly not obsessed, i'm just explaining in one place in a short period of time what happened to put some context into why i 'sometimes' have these thoughts in quiet moments when i sit and reflect.

I can assure you i don't have a spare room covered in her pictures..... just was enquiring if anyone had any tips as to why i wish I'd reacted when i look back over the rather 'massive' events of my recent past.

I don’t understand why you’re so forgiving of your ex yet feel that you want revenge on this woman? He’s led her in played with her feelings and that’s before you get to what he did to you!

It was obviously a lot more than a ONS but for her the biggest punishment is the fact that you don’t believe it was more than just a ONS.
So if you want revenge and to punish her then the best thing you can do is not engage with her in any way. It will also not affect you in any way either.

OW is not hapoy, she is full of bad feelings, resentment and consumed with trying to hurt you. Block her number, don't respone, do not meet up. Does your ex know she is sending you these messages.

I also think you are still thinking about this women as you know it wasn’t just a ONS which is why you’re still so angry with her.

@Gargellen. Thats me to a T and that was very helpful to hear thank you

Why waste your time? Blaming her is minimising/excusing the adultery & utter betrayal from your husband, you know, the person you were actually in a relationship with who owed you respect, consideration & care.

She owed you nothing & is irrelevant actually. If it hadn't have been her, it would have been another poor deluded fool.

@HollowTalk

I'm really sorry that happened to you. Her telling you what they got up to in bed is particularly low and I can see why you want revenge.

I suppose the thing is that you have already had revenge in a way because he hasn't gone back to her, has he? You ended the relationship giving him the opportunity to start another relationship with her and he didn't take that opportunity. She has to live with the knowledge that he could be with her but he is choosing not to be with her. I don't think you need to do anything more now.

This. He could have formed a relationship with her both at the time of the ONS and afterwards. He didn’t. She has to deal with the fact that he didn’t want her at all.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. But who would want to be her? She sounds unhinged.

💐 for you and wishing you well.

@Revengeisbittersweet

Does any of this make sense. I am basically really struggling with not calling her out and i think of her sitting there thinking she got one over on me makes me so cross. But i know if i saw her tomorrow and she tried to talk to me about it i would say 'mate im so over it don't loose any sleep over it'

I think your response will have very much ‘robbed’ her of any opportunity of feeling like she got one over on you. She made a massive prick of herself, you were non-plussed, he regretted the whole thing enormously and showed no further interest in her.

It’s totally understandable for you to feel anger towards her. It sounds like you just want the whole thing out of your head and that’s what’s bugging you more than anything.

@Shuffleuplove

The right and most sensible advice would be to move on and let it go.

However I cheerfully admit I would go out of my way to fuck her up at every opportunity.

Me too...

Yep, let it go. Take the highroad and don't be like the OW was in this case.

Hey, I get why you might dwell on this. He’ll, I’m still furious about something someone once said to me at work a decade ago.

At the time you were busy going through what happened with the break up so we’re measured and dispassionate. Now you’ve had time away from it, you’ve found some of the fury that you could have shown at the time.

Really? This woman wants a strong reaction from you. So you not being particularly interested in her will have driven her mad. You don’t need revenge. You can avoid her and refuse to discuss her (as in, it was all very unpleasant at the time and you don’t need to go back to it).

Ha ha i love you lot who have just read a few posts and concluded 100% i am deluded sad mug who stupidly believed he had a ONS as you 100% know it wasn't a ONS and a full blown affair.

I 100% agree that i will never know the full truth i'm not particularly stupid. only he and she no that and there versions of events are polar opposite. All i have to base it on is what i found out for myself and what everyone else told me. And all apart from her agreed it was a ONS. I was also shown messages with her confirming that to the friends but asking why can't it be more. She had no proof to back up her story. AND importantly there was only one occasion over that period that he went out where she was there and I wasn't and that was the ONS.

@IveShaggedSomeMingers

Keep your powder dry *@Revengeisbittersweet*. Dish best served cold and all that.

Wait until she is involved with someone and tell him anonymously

Thats what id do probably,
Im not surprised you still think about it. Huge betrayal by everyone. Fuck the idea that dignified means just never talking about it. I think id make a point of telling her that what she did was outrageous. That you had thought of her as a friend when all she is is a snake. She fucked your husband and then conspired with your other friends. That its clear shes mental and obsessive and already hurt herself with her own actions more than you ever could, but that if she doesnt regret it yet, she bloody well will one day, as you havent forgotten being fucked over by so many people you cared about, and to expect karma

I would still be angry yes, but honestly, you moving on without (for appearances sake) a care in the world and her still burning a candle for him but him not being with her, is the sweetest revenge ever.

You could have him, but don’t want him, she can’t have him, whatever.

@Revengeisbittersweet I absolutely hear you! Every inch of your anger and rage. I totally get that you feel that your ex has had his consequences. That you have exhausted your anger at him, but you haven’t had a moment to do the same with the woman who assisted him in his betrayal of you and actually dug a few hefty knives into you herself without his help.

You don’t say how long ago this all was but cheating has a 2-5 year healing time! I suspect you’ve processed most of the stuff with your ex but not the bit with her. You’re also angry with yourself for not being more vocal at the time.

It’s a lack of voice. Your ex got to hear it loud and clear, she did not. That leaves you feeling unheard. Revenge feels like a way of feeling heard.

I get so bored of the ‘rise above it’, ‘revenge is a life best lived’ ‘dignity at all times’ etc etc argument, but I know deep down it’s right.

These women want to be important. They feed off the drama, it’s our job to not give them anything. Do not feed the beast.

Go out and shout in an open space, write letters and burn them, release some of the rage into exercise. And then let it go.

I’m still working on all this too. I’m not obsessive. I’m human with human reactions to being hurt.

Imagine being in her head she's tormenting herself (and everyone she's ever met apparently) far more effectively than you ever could. Even if you sent her a glitter bomb every day for a year!

It sounds to me like she has already paid. She slept with a married man who she subsequently fell in love with, tortured herself believing he must love her too, and even when the truth eventually emerged and you split he still didn't go to her which is like why she came to you.

I imagine you are finding it hard to move on because you haven't had "closure" of telling her how her actions impacted you. But ultimately, it was years ago now and I don't think doing that would actually make you feel better because I don't imagine she's the type to back down, admit wrong doing and apologise.

You could perhaps try writing a letter saying everything you'd like to say to her. But don't send it

Thanks everyone for your responses I appreciate then all and i've enjoyed actually being able to say out loud the feelings i feel ashamed of feeling IRL.

I know i need to somehow just forget about her and i'm sure time will achieve that....and maybe a bit of counselling would be beneficial but i feel if my councillors doesn't agree with me that the girl needs a slap that will probably just enrage me 😂.

I have a great life, great friends etc i'm very lucky, my exH has paid the ultimate price for his mistake

Don't you see OP, you've done her to the utmost. She's been lying about her fantasy life that didn't happen. Everyone knows it didn't happen.

And there you are, living a great life, disposed of the man who could now have her any time he wanted, yet doesn't want her.

There literally is no better revenge. This will eat her up more than anything.

The moment you engage with her, you validate her as someone of importance/consequence. And oh, she longs for that. To be seen as an "equal" on the table to you. Denying her that and her having to live knowing that you think of her as such a nobody, that her lies aren't even worth acknowledging, will be consuming her.

Yes, you maintain dignity as a bonus. But, my god, this is the ultimate sticking it to her.