I fancy a married colleague

[Feelingbutterflies]

OK, 6 months into my new job which I'm really enjoying and we had a managers conference for staff from various locations two weeks ago. There I met a fellow manager who I cannot stop thinking about. We are both married to other people and both have young children.

At the conference I did a one hour presentation. Later in the day whilst working in groups at tables I caught him looking at me. I remember thinking he was very good looking but never actually spoke to him. Turns out he works at the same location as me on another floor but our paths hadn't crossed before.

Last week he comes into my office to speak with someone else and says hello to me. We had a brief polite exchange and he made a comment as if he knew me along the lines of "you would say that". I thought we don't actually know each other to tease or joke yet but having seen him again, I most definitely fancy him.

This week just gone, we've 'bumped' into each other almost every day, on one day twice. Always with other people around. I legitimately walked through his floor with another colleague (I didn't actually know where he sat) and out of the whole floor he was the only one who stopped and waved to say hello to me. My knees literally went weak and heart racing. Other than saying "hi" back I didn't stop to chat.

On another day he came into my office to show a new starter around - not something that anyone from his floor has done in my six months so far! As soon as he entered the room (I looked up when the door opened) he was looking at me. He did introductions around the room and commented on our Christmas decorations being OTT. I said my children made some of the decorations. He then teased me about the decorations but didn't acknowledge my children making them. Again, I've not actually had a full one on one conversation with this guy so it feels a little familiar.

Yesterday I dropped some post off at the post room and he was in the work area moving a cabinet with three other guys. He was the only one to say hello as I walked by (I knew one of the other guys he was with but he was too busy with the cabinet to notice me). I was a little heart in mouth when I saw him and he instantly saw me. I felt like we had a moment. There was a trolley in the way which I moved for them and he teased me for 'helping'. I smiled and left.

This may be all in my head and I'm the only one with a crush, but it feels mutual.

I've been totally blindsided by these feelings. DH and I are in a good place. We got debt free this year, both with good incomes looking to buy our forever home next year. We've had our ups and downs over the 14 years of marriage, but we're financially comfortable, satisying sex life, I'm confident in myself, children both at school now and growing into proper human beings, so life feels good.

I have looked him up on LinkedIn where he says he is married with children which is how I know (but not sent a connection request) and he's the same age as me and coincidentally started at the company this year too. I cannot stop thinking about him now.

Even if he has feelings for me, I know it doesn't me he would act on it, but I am so confused right now. The last time I felt like this I married the guy!! I just feel I had to write this somewhere so I stop replaying everything in my head. What level of crazy am I?

Just stop. This is absolute lunacy which has the potential to quickly spiral into something that will absolutely ruin lives.

Concentrate on the good place you’re in with your husband. Google ‘limerence’, give you head an enormous wobble and grey rock the shit out of this until this stupid phase passes

I have to say I feel a bit sick reading this. My first thought was 'what if this was my husband?' - that's what you need to think about. Behind this 'crush' is a family, a wife, children and on your side a husband and children also. You need to give yourself a good shake. Where do think following this crush could even lead? You need to put some space between you and your crush and ride this out. Crushes do fade if you don't feed into them so don't fan the flames, back right off and let this burn out. For you families sake and for his.

Jesus, nobody needs extensive details of each of your mundane office meet-ups. You seem to be taking yourself and your feelings awfully seriously. Crush feelings can be strong but essentially meaningless. Unless you indulge them to the point of causing damage.

You have a crush. That's it. Get over it.

Everyone has crushes from time to time, OP, and it's much easier to have one on a man whom you bump into occasionally at work than the person you're sharing the household chores with.

Of course, he seems exciting and sexy, he's good-looking and he doesn't rely on you nor ask anything of you. Ignore the feelings and they'll fade, it's not worth risking everything for.

If happens all the time. You guys obviously have great chemistry. That is nature’s way of telling you that you’re genetically very compatible and would probably have tough kids. So what? You’re not animals.

Don’t flirt. Avoid him. Focus on your family and remind yourself that you’re destroying children’s lives in both families if anything happens between you.

From the sounds of it you would enter into an affair with this man if he was willing- look at your children and husband and ask yourself if you’re willing to destroy what you have .

If your husband felt like this about an attractive woman in his workplace, how would you want him to behave? Behave like that.

Also, always remember that the "public" face people show at work isn't necessarily the same as their private one. I don't mean he's a wife beater, but people are generally on their best behaviour at work.

Also - it's quite possible this is completely in your head and there's no mutual attraction at all!

Worst case scenario - you have an affair and wreck both families.
Second worst case scenario - you make a massive fool of yourself and can't face work every again.

Just stop.

You’ve had a few brief chats. You say he’s ‘teased’ you, IMO men who do this kind of flirty ‘banter’ (I hate that word) are generally arrogant wankers. He’s probably noticed you looking all soppy at him and is enjoying it. If he was a decent man and knows you are married and is himself and did fancy you then he wouldn’t be teasing you, he’d be acting like a normal, professional colleague.

And to clarify, there's no best case scenario except nothing happening!!

Very simple advice from me. Ignore ignore ignore.

What exactly do you want to hear?
It's a crush, get a grip. Even if he fancied you, then what? Would you like us all to tell you to go for it??

Let’s assume your husband is happy with your marriage and has no crush on anyone at work. Now reverse your situation.

Let’s say you are happy with your marriage and have no crush on anyone. Your husband pretends everything is normal. He needs you you to think everything is normal, because he has a huge crush on an attractive woman at work who seems to have mutual feelings for him. He is sitting next to you on the sofa like he usually does, but internally constantly obsessing about a woman he fantasises about and gently flirts with. He daydreams about what it would be like having a relationship with her and thinking about the butterflies he gets in her presence and even thinking that the last time he felt like this about a woman he married her.
How hurt would you be OP? If he found out would his pain make him question his whole relationship? Question his trust in you? Make him wonder who the hell his wife really was?
Stop kidding yourself and wake up to the fact that even though nothing has happened, you are on the slippery slope to having an affair. There is nothing wrong with finding someone else attractive, but obsessing and needing to see their reaction when your paths cross is dangerous. You are potentially risking the mental health and sense of security of your husband and children. The potential damage from this is huge. It is not as innocent as you think. Stuff has already happened.
If you haven’t been through it you have no idea of the pain and destruction this could cause. Get out now OP. Run like the wind. You are playing with fire. Your ego has been boosted and excitement looms and pretty soon you will become deaf and blind to the danger and any advice which tells you to stop. He is not the man of your dreams, he is being magnified by the potential of NRE (new relationship energy) and the enjoyment of being noticed as attractive again by a new person. It’s nothing more. Just stop it now. Your husband and children probably deserve way better from you. As my late mother would have said ‘it will only end in tears’.

Another one here saying don’t do anything.

I had a friend at work tell me he loved me on the Christmas do. It’s mortifying and ruins whatever friendship you have with him.

What do you want to happen? Best case scenario he feels the same and 2 marriages are ruined?

Based on your very detailed account of each of you meetings, you are clearly talking yourself into having an affair with this guy. Even if he is flirting, he isn’t necessarily up for that. If your marriage was unhappy and ‘on its way out’, I wouldn’t condemn an affair with an available man, but your marriage is good and he isn’t available. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you are going to cause a whole world of pain for several people. If you have the opportunity to apply for a transfer to a department or branch where you won’t see this guy anymore, do that!

I agree with all of the advice above but have been in your situation, didn't end well, and have with hindsight and lots of digging started to unpick the fact, yes I'm a dick but equally I was early 40s and my hormones were playing crazy games on me. I've since learnt it's a kind of last attempt to mate again and make a new batch of offspring.

I would agree with whoever said ignore, ignore, ignore and wish I'd had the brainpower like you have to post and get the blunt advice, please take it.

He won't be anywhere near as attractive if you were stuck with him full time, having his kids eow, washing his socks, not having your own children with you all every day, splitting Christmasses. That's the reality of affairs - having to tell your children what you've done and it being your fault that their security is destroyed. Seeing your husband meet and marry someone else and that someone else helping to parent your kids.
Stop it now before it gets out of hand.

Often just admitting the crush will deflate it, so hopefully your post has accomplished something.

Concentrate on your lovely husband, your children, and your happy family life.

All the rest is a waste of your time and sexual energy. I always put my husband, our son, our happy family 1st before any other nonsense and risk damaging my true happiness with cheap short meaningless thrills.

Why are you confused?
You have had some pretty limited, humdrum interaction with some bloke at work.
That's all.

Don't ruin what you have with your husband and children by getting obsessed by some random stranger. That is all he is. It's a crush.

Be polite to him, if he speaks to you, but that is all you need to do. Polite not flirty. If you do anything more you will regret it. That is guaranteed.

Are you by any chance late mid to thirties OP? Hormones are very weird at that time in my experience- directing you frantically to think about reproducing one more time with any handy candidate.

Don’t want to be insensitive but this may be what’s going on here.

Be strong and it will pass.

Ah sorry bloodyhoodedeyes, just seen you’d pretty much said exactly the same, sorry