I fancy a married colleague

[Feelingbutterflies]

OK, 6 months into my new job which I'm really enjoying and we had a managers conference for staff from various locations two weeks ago. There I met a fellow manager who I cannot stop thinking about. We are both married to other people and both have young children.

At the conference I did a one hour presentation. Later in the day whilst working in groups at tables I caught him looking at me. I remember thinking he was very good looking but never actually spoke to him. Turns out he works at the same location as me on another floor but our paths hadn't crossed before.

Last week he comes into my office to speak with someone else and says hello to me. We had a brief polite exchange and he made a comment as if he knew me along the lines of "you would say that". I thought we don't actually know each other to tease or joke yet but having seen him again, I most definitely fancy him.

This week just gone, we've 'bumped' into each other almost every day, on one day twice. Always with other people around. I legitimately walked through his floor with another colleague (I didn't actually know where he sat) and out of the whole floor he was the only one who stopped and waved to say hello to me. My knees literally went weak and heart racing. Other than saying "hi" back I didn't stop to chat.

On another day he came into my office to show a new starter around - not something that anyone from his floor has done in my six months so far! As soon as he entered the room (I looked up when the door opened) he was looking at me. He did introductions around the room and commented on our Christmas decorations being OTT. I said my children made some of the decorations. He then teased me about the decorations but didn't acknowledge my children making them. Again, I've not actually had a full one on one conversation with this guy so it feels a little familiar.

Yesterday I dropped some post off at the post room and he was in the work area moving a cabinet with three other guys. He was the only one to say hello as I walked by (I knew one of the other guys he was with but he was too busy with the cabinet to notice me). I was a little heart in mouth when I saw him and he instantly saw me. I felt like we had a moment. There was a trolley in the way which I moved for them and he teased me for 'helping'. I smiled and left.

This may be all in my head and I'm the only one with a crush, but it feels mutual.

I've been totally blindsided by these feelings. DH and I are in a good place. We got debt free this year, both with good incomes looking to buy our forever home next year. We've had our ups and downs over the 14 years of marriage, but we're financially comfortable, satisying sex life, I'm confident in myself, children both at school now and growing into proper human beings, so life feels good.

I have looked him up on LinkedIn where he says he is married with children which is how I know (but not sent a connection request) and he's the same age as me and coincidentally started at the company this year too. I cannot stop thinking about him now.

Even if he has feelings for me, I know it doesn't me he would act on it, but I am so confused right now. The last time I felt like this I married the guy!! I just feel I had to write this somewhere so I stop replaying everything in my head. What level of crazy am I?

There's a lot of finger-wagging on this thread, probably of little help to the OP who is trying to get a grip and get over this crush.

OP, from my reading of your posts, you have no intention of having an affair and blowing up your life and his. You just want reassurance that this is crazy hormonal madness and that you can get through it with your dignity and family intact. Is that right?

If so, do this:

1. Avoid, avoid, avoid him.
2. If you find your mind straying to him, count 5-4-3-2-1 and send your mind elsewhere. The countdown engages your pre-frontal cortex so that you can use reason to override the obsessive thoughts. Just keep doing this, and don't let crush-related neural pathways form!
3. Your system is flooded with adrenaline in this early stage, and you need to work off that adrenaline. Running, dance classes and team sports will all help with this. Any hard workout that forces you to pay attention and sweat a lot will be good. Even better if there's a social aspect.

Hand-hold, OP. I'd always been a bit crush-prone, but was absolutely walloped by my first case of love at first sight when I was 40. It is a very strange time of life, hormonally speaking.

OP needs to stop thinking with her fanny for 5 seconds, that would help.

I know you said your not going to post again OP, but just incase there is even the tiniest thought in you head about maybe still trying to catch glimpses of him or that tiny seed that might lead you to an affair with this man, why don’t you tell your husband how you feel, and see his reaction.

Don’t go there, it won’t be worth it x

@MelonTits

It’s a crush and it will fade. Ignore all the pearl-clutching and “it’s someone else’s husband!!?!”on here; a crush is very common and provided no-one acts on it, no problem. Give yourself a shake, no more googling him, no flirting, no interaction with him. Distract yourself.

“Pearl clutching”?

Or people who have had their families broken apart by affairs that began just like this

The op started a thread on her feelings, which seem to be reciprocated - so clearly dangerous territory

And yet you think it’s “Pearl clutching”

Oh seriously get a grip acting like a teenage girl when you're married and so is he. Vile

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If your husband felt like this about an attractive woman in his workplace, how would you want him to behave? Behave like that.

Totally agree!!

If your marriage is in such a good place, why on earth are you risking it over this?

Would you be upset if it had been your husband who had written this post op ?

Maybe he's already noticed the change in you. A spring in the step, dolling yourself up more for work, smirking to yourself, in fact I'm surprised people in the office havn't noticed.

You sound like a teenager, so only knows how you are behaving at home.
Reign it in, you are not thinking about your children and husband at all.

You're going to ruin things, you really don't want to do that.

Oh dear.

Let me tell you a quick story.

About six years ago, a new woman started at my husband's work. He was one of the supervisors involved in her training. He was polite and friendly as he always is, to her and the other woman and the man that were all training at the same time. She was married, he was and with a baby on the way. She knew this. He mentioned a few times that he thought she was flirting with him or that she might be misreading his help as interest in her and it made him uncomfortable. I told him she was married and he was probably just not used to her personality. He said she kept appearing in places she had no need to be at work and it was a bit weird.

She asked him out for a drink a few weeks later, he declined and she confessed her deep attraction to him, cried and said she couldn't stop thinking about him, said she would be happy to be his side piece, I never had to know etc. She tried to kiss him. He reported her to HR and had to give a statement. She didn't get to stay in the position and she and her husband got divorced.

There is always the chance you're crushing on a good man who won't stand for it if you make a move.

Self indulgent and very narrow minded OP. This isn’t a man that is available. If you feel he is giving mixed signals then be a person of integrity and tell him to do one or you risk being that silly woman in the office. Infatuation isn’t love. You are not in a competition for his approval or admiration, there is no prize at the end here for you other than possibly humiliation

‘I have to say I feel a bit sick reading this. My first thought was 'what if this was my husband?'

OP you’re in the wrong place. Most of those responding to you will be unable to do so without seeing themselves as the guys wife. Or him as their husband.

Go very very carefully. He may like you just as much but also he may do this all the time.

Think about what you stand to lose and the hurt that could be caused. Imagine your husband finding out, imagine this guy sleeping with you and then turning off the charm and dropping you.

Or maybe, despite your near perfect sounding relationship you still want out, which is allowed.

I’m not saying that will happen or that it is what he is planning but it could happen.

Enjoy your crush, see how things develop and protect yourself as much as you can. If you’re looking for reassurance that he likes you too I would say he definitely does. Could that be enough for now?

Please, Op, read about the changes in brain chemistry when people are limerent. You are addicted to and in love/lust with your idea of him, not him. You are on a dopamine high. You have butterflies and you feel wild love for him. It is all in your brain. He is just a distraction. You know nothing about him. Focus loving yourself and developing yourself. Don't nurse a dopamine fuelled fantasy which has the power to wreck lives if made real. He is mist likely just be a player and an opportunist.

We have been happily married for 14 years, we have outlasted all friends and most family of our generation

To be fair, it sounds like OP lives in a social environment where divorce is not just normal but almost universal.

If none of her family and friends' marriages have even lasted 14 years, no wonder she's expecting to end hers.

@OnlyAFleshWound I get what you’re saying here. But if you’re still deeply in love, happy and no issues, then why on earth would you? Saying that, I do wonder if that many breakups have ‘normalised’ affairs, if indeed that’s why many of them have ended.

You do realise there's a high chance he can see that you've looked at his profile on LinkedIn, don't you?

@HollowTalk What’s the issue with looking at colleagues LinkedIn profiles? I don’t even have LinkedIn but I think everyone checks out their colleagues when it links them together.

@Lookingoutside

‘I have to say I feel a bit sick reading this. My first thought was 'what if this was my husband?'

OP you’re in the wrong place. Most of those responding to you will be unable to do so without seeing themselves as the guys wife. Or him as their husband.

Go very very carefully. He may like you just as much but also he may do this all the time.

Think about what you stand to lose and the hurt that could be caused. Imagine your husband finding out, imagine this guy sleeping with you and then turning off the charm and dropping you.

Or maybe, despite your near perfect sounding relationship you still want out, which is allowed.

I’m not saying that will happen or that it is what he is planning but it could happen.

Enjoy your crush, see how things develop and protect yourself as much as you can. If you’re looking for reassurance that he likes you too I would say he definitely does. Could that be enough for now?

See how things develop???

The OP risks losing her marriage, full-time living with her young children, her professional reputation and even her job. For the sake of a man, who if he does allow things to develop, is then a proven cheat.

As well as the guilt (I hope) she would get from the incredible pain she would cause to another woman and her young children.

Even her mooning after him at work may have already been noticed by colleagues and she may be a laughing stock and the butt of office gossip.

OP - pull yourself together and avoid seeing this man. Divert your energy back into your own family. Think about your husband behaving like this with one of his colleagues and see how that feels.

Get back to reality OP, this whole situation has nothing but misery at the end if anything does even happen with him. You have it all so good, why ffs would you want to shit on everything you have???

Just tell yourself that you will see your kids 50% and then the other 50% you could have his kids living with you. That should get rid of any fantasies.

You can't help how you feel but you can choose how you react. If you were both Single, great. But neither of you are. You are parents and spouses. You need to put a stop to this before it goes too far.

Leave it alone. Sorry to sound harsh but he probably does this with a lot of women that come in and out of the workplace, I doubt it’s reserved just for you. Just leave it. It sounds as if he’s testing the waters for an affair and just imagine for a second what your husband’s face/his wife’s face would look like when they found out, which they would.

Setting aside the moral issues

I have just read the Op

Worth taking another look

To say the op is clutching at straws would be an understatement

He’s said hi twice
Commented on ott Christmas decoration
And finally * There was a trolley in the way which I moved for them and he teased me for 'helping'*

That’s it

That is literally it

I think he’d be… perplexed to read the OP’s interpretation to say the least!

Update for anyone experiencing similar:

I have spoken with him and we've had phone calls (office calls, no personal numbers swapped), messaged non work silly stuff and connected on LinkedIn etc. I mentioned having a busy month at work and he bought me a chocolate bar. We don't really have any reason to interact at work as we have very different roles, but we seem to be getting along, and yes he's started the communications.

Whilst I do fancy him the deep desire has calmed down and I don't want to jeopardise my family or work for this guy. It does lessen the pedestal image to actually talk with them, it makes them real rather than fantasy. It's just a person after all.

We've not explicitly spoken about an attraction, but he's certainly friendly towards me. Maybe that's all it is. I've been with my husband my whole adult life so maybe my hormones are seeking new sexual partners now. I'm not alone with this, I've read about hormonal changes and had others message me with similar experiences. Getting my feelings off my chest and feeling like I've taken control of the situation has helped greatly.

I'm still a little overwhelmed by how strong these feelings were, much more than "oh he's hot" and the many "get a grip" comments offered no help and I feel trivialised some very strong emotions which I was asking for help with.

You must be so relieved your strong feelings are setting down. He'll be almost forgotten by Valentine's.

I'm still a little overwhelmed by how strong these feelings were, much more than "oh he's hot" and the many "get a grip" comments offered no help and I feel trivialised some very strong emotions which I was asking for help with

If any poster was flippant and you felt it was trivialising you emotions, that is because your emotions are trivial compared to the fall out that will occur if you get your way and hope this man will return your feelings for him. It will be destruction city.

A little song for you .....

Not a day goes by that a man (woman) doesn't have to choose
Between what he wants
What he's afraid to loose
Then along comes temptation
And he can't refuse

I know the difference between wrong and right
don't make no difference in the middle of the night

Take the bait
You pay the price
It's much too late for good advice
You know and I know that our good things' through
Cause there's consequenses for me and you

I was smokin' and drinkin'
And thinkin' when you walked by
The next thing I knew I was making up my alibi

And all I've done since then
Is lie, lie, lie

I took my chances
Had a real good time
But I'd give my soul
For a little piece of mind

To tell the truth is a big mistake
Homes will crumble and hearts will break
Why gamble when there's so much to lose

Because there's consequences for what we do.
Consequences for me and you.

Song and lyrics: Robert Cray
Is that flippant enough for you, a MN anthem I think.

Basically it's not worth it.

@Feelingbutterflies I’m curious to know how things are a year on from your original post?