I fancy a married colleague

[Feelingbutterflies]

OK, 6 months into my new job which I'm really enjoying and we had a managers conference for staff from various locations two weeks ago. There I met a fellow manager who I cannot stop thinking about. We are both married to other people and both have young children.

At the conference I did a one hour presentation. Later in the day whilst working in groups at tables I caught him looking at me. I remember thinking he was very good looking but never actually spoke to him. Turns out he works at the same location as me on another floor but our paths hadn't crossed before.

Last week he comes into my office to speak with someone else and says hello to me. We had a brief polite exchange and he made a comment as if he knew me along the lines of "you would say that". I thought we don't actually know each other to tease or joke yet but having seen him again, I most definitely fancy him.

This week just gone, we've 'bumped' into each other almost every day, on one day twice. Always with other people around. I legitimately walked through his floor with another colleague (I didn't actually know where he sat) and out of the whole floor he was the only one who stopped and waved to say hello to me. My knees literally went weak and heart racing. Other than saying "hi" back I didn't stop to chat.

On another day he came into my office to show a new starter around - not something that anyone from his floor has done in my six months so far! As soon as he entered the room (I looked up when the door opened) he was looking at me. He did introductions around the room and commented on our Christmas decorations being OTT. I said my children made some of the decorations. He then teased me about the decorations but didn't acknowledge my children making them. Again, I've not actually had a full one on one conversation with this guy so it feels a little familiar.

Yesterday I dropped some post off at the post room and he was in the work area moving a cabinet with three other guys. He was the only one to say hello as I walked by (I knew one of the other guys he was with but he was too busy with the cabinet to notice me). I was a little heart in mouth when I saw him and he instantly saw me. I felt like we had a moment. There was a trolley in the way which I moved for them and he teased me for 'helping'. I smiled and left.

This may be all in my head and I'm the only one with a crush, but it feels mutual.

I've been totally blindsided by these feelings. DH and I are in a good place. We got debt free this year, both with good incomes looking to buy our forever home next year. We've had our ups and downs over the 14 years of marriage, but we're financially comfortable, satisying sex life, I'm confident in myself, children both at school now and growing into proper human beings, so life feels good.

I have looked him up on LinkedIn where he says he is married with children which is how I know (but not sent a connection request) and he's the same age as me and coincidentally started at the company this year too. I cannot stop thinking about him now.

Even if he has feelings for me, I know it doesn't me he would act on it, but I am so confused right now. The last time I felt like this I married the guy!! I just feel I had to write this somewhere so I stop replaying everything in my head. What level of crazy am I?

I second the comment(s) about reading and understanding limerance and also thinking about the consequences of let's say you slept with him and you got found out by your husband.

My mum's partner has a friend whose wife had an affair. The husband found out and the wife left the family home. They have one son who at the time was, I believe, early teens. The boy learned what his mother did and lost all respect for her. For a while he refused to see her (he chose to live full time with his dad) and called her vile names. Now imagine that was your children having that reaction with you. Keep reminding yourself that your children might refuse to ever speak to you again and choose to live with their dad full time while you beg for a few hours visit on a weekend.

Been there. Look up limerence. I moved jobs in the end as no good would come of it.

Office flings, crushes, affairs are common. Get yourself to the Xmas party and really ramp it up.

I think the word 'Crush' minimizes what is happening, you or he may manufacture a moment to take this to the next level. This is why people should compartmentalize their lives. WFH has changed this dynamic somewhat and work parties-events are primed for these situations to come to the fore. It's why I refuse to attend.

Work relationships should be professional only, at all times.
Relationship-family-friends-work.

OP, why aren't you addressing 99% of the comments? It's because they aren't saying 'go for it', isn't it?

There's every chance you're over reading his 'teasing' and 'flirting' as just being nice to a colleague you've been recently acquainted with because you fancy him. You're going to have to really get a grip, it's embarrassing and a flight of fancy, but it will tear two families apart. Do you want that for your children?

@Feelingbutterflies

Thank you. It is not as easy as just turning off my feelings. I know there is a problem but the constant name calling seems OTT.

It kind of is that easy though.

Not turning off your feelings, but just not acting on them.

It's just a crush. You think he's fit. That's literally it, because you haven't had any meaningful interactions (the incidences you describe are as one PP said just completely mundane, he's not even flirting with you except in your head).

Big shrug. Thinking other people are fit is commonplace. And boring. Acknowledge it, don't act on it, move on, the end.

You could have just kept this to yourself self OP. When I saw your post I knew it will be full of abuse. Well just take the advice and ignore this man.

You've only known him for a couple of weeks - you have no idea of his personality. If anything happened between you how do you know he wouldn't tell his mates at work? Unlikely if he's married I suppose but you literally have no idea what sort of person he is.

@Aderyn21

He won't be anywhere near as attractive if you were stuck with him full time, having his kids eow, washing his socks, not having your own children with you all every day, splitting Christmasses. That's the reality of affairs - having to tell your children what you've done and it being your fault that their security is destroyed. Seeing your husband meet and marry someone else and that someone else helping to parent your kids. Stop it now before it gets out of hand.

Completely this. It sounds like you’re already making plans to have an affair. I felt embarrassed for you reading your post. Don’t do it.

I’d be happy with my husband having all the interactions you’ve described. It sounds to me like when you fancy someone you try and look for every little sign.

Don’t engage with him any further, you’re happily married. You both have kids. Just stop this silly crush.

Don't do it.
You have so much to lose and he might be a serial shagger.

Family
Job
Self respect
Friends
Reputation

How old are you? 16? Stop swooning every time he walks in the office and grow up. Or act on it and show your husband exactly what he married.

@Feelingbutterflies

Thank you. It is not as easy as just turning off my feelings. I know there is a problem but the constant name calling seems OTT.

@Feelingbutterflies - Yes, I agree this is partly to do with hormones, but limerence is also an opportunity to take a look at what as a therapist I would call your "unlived life". This man in some way reflects something to you about yourself that is worth exploring. It's not really to do with him at all, and everything to do with you. Therapy may well be worth considering to get to grips with this.

@Theimpossiblegirl

Don't do it. You have so much to lose and he might be a serial shagger.

Family
Job
Self respect
Friends
Reputation

Personally I'd cross self respect off that list already.

Watched Love Actually know it’s dodgy but channel Andrew Lincoln when he walks away from Keira knightly and says “enough now” to himself.

Haha therapy for office crushes, really.
Just change the mindset, offices really are a playground for those wanting flings.
All the ingredients are there for relationships.

@Feelingbutterflies

Feel free to read my second post for my age. I've had thoughts. Literally nothing has happened but it seems like getting on that high horse and telling me my feelings are immature are better than acknowledging what I'm feeling and how to deal with it.

Your feelings aren't immature. Your feelings are your feelings. Your response is immature, and you're not taking on what you're being told, when you've specifically asked for advice, which, again, is an immature response.

Nobody is on a high horse. Here is the advice: accept your feelings. Don't act on them. Stop being dramatic.

'Feel free to read my second post' is an unpleasant passive aggressive dig. You need to have a look at yourself, OP, and drop your criticism and defense of those who are trying to get you to see the non dramatic simplicity of your situation: you are married, and you find someone else attractive. It doesn't matter how dramatic it feels inside. If you're not considering leaving your family, then avoid this man to avoid further drama. Any other response to this situation is your own childish goading of your own emotional state.

@MsTSwift

Watched Love Actually know it’s dodgy but channel Andrew Lincoln when he walks away from Keira knightly and says “enough now” to himself.

Yes, it's the point at which he takes responsibility for himself and stops behaving like a lovesick 14 year old. Because behaving that way is lovely in a film, but he would have lost friends for it in real life.

Don't do anything. Don't flirt and don't be 'available'.
Interesting what pp have said about biology and fertility. I must be very near the end of my fertility and horny as hell. Fantasies are ok(ish) but have to stay just that.

It is normal to find other people attractive and will always be a part of life but you must remember you likely once felt this way about your DH. The infatuation does always die off and doesn’t mean you are unhappy with your partner.
I feel that if you look at your DH and can see yourself respecting him as a person, having great conversation and caring for each other in to your older years then this is enough.
The spark and fantasy is a cruel temptress and will only end in tears if you pursue it.
Things will always offer temptation but it’s important to remain in control of that and remember all the great things you have already.

Your feelings aren't immature. Your feelings are your feelings. Your response is immature, and you're not taking on what you're being told, when you've specifically asked for advice, which, again, is an immature response.

This X 100

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but OP, a tale as old as time, is this. Please read up on limerence.

Final post.

Why haven't I responded to 99% of replies? Is it because they don't tell me what I want to hear? No, it's because they are all the same responses. Most are saying I need to give my head a wobble. This is what I am doing, trying to get my head straight and acknowledge what I'm feeling when I cannot speak any of it. Most of you have responded as if it's YOUR husband I'm talking about so resorted to calling me disgusting, immature, silly and that I've lost my self respect. If you all think that grown ups don't fancy anyone else after marriage you must be naive or ignorant.

Thank you to the few with actual advice or who posted with the "been there done that" tshirt. We have been happily married for 14 years, we have outlasted all friends and most family of our generation. I was naive and never thought I would have these feelings for another man so it has literally blindsided me. It appears I have regressed to a teenager whilst trying to understand these unwanted and unexpected emotions.

I shall look into limerance and I think it is great advice to channel my sexual energy towards my husband. I feel it was important I recognise and accept my feelings so I know not to act on them. Ignoring and letting this fantasy continue in my head would have lead to trouble.

I do not want to only see my kids at weekends nor have someone else parent them. I want my family, so as I said before, I shall avoid this man. I have holiday all over Christmas so hopefully by New Year all with be forgotten.

@AuntieStella

You've got a crush.

It'll fade.

As long as you don't feed it, that is. So when you find yourself thinking about him, consciously end the thought and direct your mid to your DC and your DH instead (or at least back to your work)

And remember - it's coincidence not fate. His turn for showing someone new around happened during the same week as you visited his floor for the first time is just fluke. Him being the inky one to say hello isn't surprising - you clearly have nothing to do with the workers on that floor (as you'd never set eyes on him before) so of course he's the only one greeted you.

You're bigging up a few random interactions (agree because you might be a bit bored/dissatisfied/in a rut) and posting about him is part of this bigging up (giving you the excuse to think about him even when nit int he workplace). So cut it out and live your real life with the people who really matter.

What is the difference between coincidence and fate?

If you all think that grown ups don't fancy anyone else after marriage you must be naive or ignorant

Nobody has said this or intimated that it's wrong of you to have the feelings you have. Stop stropping and fighting back. It's your response to your feelings that people are struggling with. Your entertainment of the crush, your putting yourself in a tricky situation and then finding the trickiness hard. If you post something that looks like 'It's so hard for me... I can't decide whether to have an affair with this hot guy at work, help me!' then you can really only expect a bunch of 'grow up and deal with it' responses. I wonder what you expected when the right path must already have been so clear to you even before you posted.