I fancy a married colleague

[Feelingbutterflies]

OK, 6 months into my new job which I'm really enjoying and we had a managers conference for staff from various locations two weeks ago. There I met a fellow manager who I cannot stop thinking about. We are both married to other people and both have young children.

At the conference I did a one hour presentation. Later in the day whilst working in groups at tables I caught him looking at me. I remember thinking he was very good looking but never actually spoke to him. Turns out he works at the same location as me on another floor but our paths hadn't crossed before.

Last week he comes into my office to speak with someone else and says hello to me. We had a brief polite exchange and he made a comment as if he knew me along the lines of "you would say that". I thought we don't actually know each other to tease or joke yet but having seen him again, I most definitely fancy him.

This week just gone, we've 'bumped' into each other almost every day, on one day twice. Always with other people around. I legitimately walked through his floor with another colleague (I didn't actually know where he sat) and out of the whole floor he was the only one who stopped and waved to say hello to me. My knees literally went weak and heart racing. Other than saying "hi" back I didn't stop to chat.

On another day he came into my office to show a new starter around - not something that anyone from his floor has done in my six months so far! As soon as he entered the room (I looked up when the door opened) he was looking at me. He did introductions around the room and commented on our Christmas decorations being OTT. I said my children made some of the decorations. He then teased me about the decorations but didn't acknowledge my children making them. Again, I've not actually had a full one on one conversation with this guy so it feels a little familiar.

Yesterday I dropped some post off at the post room and he was in the work area moving a cabinet with three other guys. He was the only one to say hello as I walked by (I knew one of the other guys he was with but he was too busy with the cabinet to notice me). I was a little heart in mouth when I saw him and he instantly saw me. I felt like we had a moment. There was a trolley in the way which I moved for them and he teased me for 'helping'. I smiled and left.

This may be all in my head and I'm the only one with a crush, but it feels mutual.

I've been totally blindsided by these feelings. DH and I are in a good place. We got debt free this year, both with good incomes looking to buy our forever home next year. We've had our ups and downs over the 14 years of marriage, but we're financially comfortable, satisying sex life, I'm confident in myself, children both at school now and growing into proper human beings, so life feels good.

I have looked him up on LinkedIn where he says he is married with children which is how I know (but not sent a connection request) and he's the same age as me and coincidentally started at the company this year too. I cannot stop thinking about him now.

Even if he has feelings for me, I know it doesn't me he would act on it, but I am so confused right now. The last time I felt like this I married the guy!! I just feel I had to write this somewhere so I stop replaying everything in my head. What level of crazy am I?

You're confused? About what exactly? Whether to forge ahead and destroy two families based on your schoolgirl crush? You sound absolutely absurd. Slam your head against a wall if you need to, but get a grip, and quickly, before you do something incredibly stupid.

Imagine your husband was writing this about a woman at his work?. How would you feel.

Snap out of this. Attraction is normal, but letting yourself moon around like a 12 year old is not.

There are two outcomes - he never be interested and you are wasting your tjme. He might be interested, you end up having an affair - you’ve betrayed your husband.

Go and have a cold shower and grow up.

@SparklingLime

Jesus, nobody needs extensive details of each of your mundane office meet-ups. You seem to be taking yourself and your feelings awfully seriously. Crush feelings can be strong but essentially meaningless. Unless you indulge them to the point of causing damage.

This!! It’s so common to get a crush, just accept it for what it is… and office Romeo and Juliet it ain’t.

Screw your head back on.

Nip whatever this is in the bud now. Make a point of mentioning your husband and/or kids every single time he speaks to you. He'll get the message. With luck, you will, too.

All of your encounters have been complete non-events. This is probably all in your head and you need to get past it or risk ruining your life and relationship with your husband and potentially your kids.

I think your heart wants to go on a little adventure.

I've had the odd crush on guys for a while. They die if you don't act on it. It's usually because life is a bit steady and you're looking for some excitement.

I wouldn't really have wanted to be with any of the men I had a crush on over the years and when u became single, I didn't even think about them (ie. When I could do something about it, my feelings for them weren't there- they were just crushes)

We aren't going to validate your feelings and give you permission to start an affair.

The phrasing in your OP is interesting. You say that you fancy a married colleague - as if his marriage is of concern to you but not your own.

If you are determined to ruin your life you could at least pick someone who sounds less of a sleazebag than this guy.

Put your fragile ego where it belongs OP (tough love). You're simply flattered by the office Romeo.
Grow up? Get on with your work life. Don't fuck it up.

Don't. Do. It.

Office crushes are common.
Office affairs are cliché.

You have a crush. You can get over it if you choose to.

@Butterfly08

I think your heart wants to go on a little adventure.

Not her heart, her ego.

That’s all this is. Ego. Enjoying the rush of attention.

I don’t know if your ego is worth more to you than your children. I suppose you’ll find out.

It happened to me, though he was not married I was and we were in a good place. My head was turned, a connection made, I left my husband and moved in with him. This was over 30 years ago and repercussions still raise their head today.

I really should have taken the advice to stay away, sliding doors and all that.

I would also wonder if he was engineering all of these coincidental meet ups if you have never crossed paths in 6 months, suggesting he's a player.

You say ‘last time I felt like this I married the guy’. So basically, you know roughly how the story goes and you know how you would feel about him in 14 years time. Add in a highly complicated ‘splitting up two families, and then trying to be a step mum to kids who will resent whilst dealing with the grief of your own children’ storyline and there you have it. Does it sound like a good idea?

I don’t know what you want from us here? Do you want permission for an affair? Do you want us to tell you your experiencing some kind of soulmate, true love, kismet connection because you’re not. You’re having a crush, maybe mutual, possibly nothing. Your ego needs stroking that’s all, maybe his does too.

I know how these things end if you carry on pursuing this though, it involves lying, gaslighting, betraying it involves you putting the mental, emotional, sexual and physical health of two innocent people at risk. It involves children dealing with life long consequences.

Just stop and grow up!

I know I'm going against the flow, but as long as it remains innocent and non-physical, a little emotional romance can be pleasant and become a fond memory.

You're bored.

Start running, do an upholstery course, read a good book, whatever... but don't fuck up your work & 2 marriages for entertainment.

In the kindest possible way, you sound like a teenager. This is a crush. It is about you and how you feel about yourself. Don't feed it and move on, not only for the sake of your husband and kids but for yourself too. This way lies ruin. You need to start doing something for you though, maybe see friends more, start a project, take a class etc.

I'm confused because I don't know where these feelings have come from or why I have them. My marriage is not in a bad place and I'm not looking to end my marriage.

These are mundane non events, but I've not spoken a word about it to anyone for obvious reasons. I've written it all down to read how ridiculous all this is and get it out of head. I wanted to address the problem before it became a real life problem.

I've also realised from the comments and what I've written that I am willing to have an affair with this guy, which is scary.

I am late thirties and it seems my hormones have overwhelmed my rational thought. Must avoid this guy.

@Silvershroud

I know I'm going against the flow, but as long as it remains innocent and non-physical, a little emotional romance can be pleasant and become a fond memory.

Not so pleasant for the betrayed spouse who will struggle with the confusion the emotional disconnect brings while they’re having their little ‘emotional romance’.

Don’t ever underestimate the damage an emotional affair has on a betrayed spouse. It is not just physical affairs that wreck lives and cause trauma.

You've got a crush.

It'll fade.

As long as you don't feed it, that is. So when you find yourself thinking about him, consciously end the thought and direct your mid to your DC and your DH instead (or at least back to your work)

And remember - it's coincidence not fate. His turn for showing someone new around happened during the same week as you visited his floor for the first time is just fluke. Him being the inky one to say hello isn't surprising - you clearly have nothing to do with the workers on that floor (as you'd never set eyes on him before) so of course he's the only one greeted you.

You're bigging up a few random interactions (agree because you might be a bit bored/dissatisfied/in a rut) and posting about him is part of this bigging up (giving you the excuse to think about him even when nit int he workplace). So cut it out and live your real life with the people who really matter.

@Feelingbutterflies all I can say is that my husband lost a huge part of who he was after his affair. It almost destroyed him, and that is no exaggeration. He hated himself. He hated who he’d become. He swung so far from his moral compass he thought he’d never return. He never thought he’d be that person. I still struggle with PTSD and anxiety. We’re reconciled, but these things destroy the mental and emotional well-being of everyone involved. He knows he does not and did not love his affair partner and now cringes at the thought of it all. I believe she does too. It’s soul destroying stuff. Walk away.

It’s a crush and it will fade. Ignore all the pearl-clutching and “it’s someone else’s husband!!?!”on here; a crush is very common and provided no-one acts on it, no problem. Give yourself a shake, no more googling him, no flirting, no interaction with him. Distract yourself.