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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fancy a married colleague

175 replies

Feelingbutterflies · 04/12/2021 22:59

OK, 6 months into my new job which I'm really enjoying and we had a managers conference for staff from various locations two weeks ago. There I met a fellow manager who I cannot stop thinking about. We are both married to other people and both have young children.

At the conference I did a one hour presentation. Later in the day whilst working in groups at tables I caught him looking at me. I remember thinking he was very good looking but never actually spoke to him. Turns out he works at the same location as me on another floor but our paths hadn't crossed before.

Last week he comes into my office to speak with someone else and says hello to me. We had a brief polite exchange and he made a comment as if he knew me along the lines of "you would say that". I thought we don't actually know each other to tease or joke yet but having seen him again, I most definitely fancy him.

This week just gone, we've 'bumped' into each other almost every day, on one day twice. Always with other people around. I legitimately walked through his floor with another colleague (I didn't actually know where he sat) and out of the whole floor he was the only one who stopped and waved to say hello to me. My knees literally went weak and heart racing. Other than saying "hi" back I didn't stop to chat.

On another day he came into my office to show a new starter around - not something that anyone from his floor has done in my six months so far! As soon as he entered the room (I looked up when the door opened) he was looking at me. He did introductions around the room and commented on our Christmas decorations being OTT. I said my children made some of the decorations. He then teased me about the decorations but didn't acknowledge my children making them. Again, I've not actually had a full one on one conversation with this guy so it feels a little familiar.

Yesterday I dropped some post off at the post room and he was in the work area moving a cabinet with three other guys. He was the only one to say hello as I walked by (I knew one of the other guys he was with but he was too busy with the cabinet to notice me). I was a little heart in mouth when I saw him and he instantly saw me. I felt like we had a moment. There was a trolley in the way which I moved for them and he teased me for 'helping'. I smiled and left.

This may be all in my head and I'm the only one with a crush, but it feels mutual.

I've been totally blindsided by these feelings. DH and I are in a good place. We got debt free this year, both with good incomes looking to buy our forever home next year. We've had our ups and downs over the 14 years of marriage, but we're financially comfortable, satisying sex life, I'm confident in myself, children both at school now and growing into proper human beings, so life feels good.

I have looked him up on LinkedIn where he says he is married with children which is how I know (but not sent a connection request) and he's the same age as me and coincidentally started at the company this year too. I cannot stop thinking about him now.

Even if he has feelings for me, I know it doesn't me he would act on it, but I am so confused right now. The last time I felt like this I married the guy!! I just feel I had to write this somewhere so I stop replaying everything in my head. What level of crazy am I?

OP posts:
PicaK · 05/12/2021 07:44

I'd take your feelings really seriously. Not in terms of doing anything about them but in terms of examining them and thinking why am I feeling like this.
What's going on in your life that you're suddenly intensely attracted. And obsessing over this guy. Why are you coning into fantasy land? What's lacking in your life and relationship? Are you depressed? Peri-menopausal? Bored?
I'd go get some counselling and be honest with yourself.

CaveWoman1 · 05/12/2021 07:49

It’s nature at work, telling you to go ahead & mate, using all the remaining fertile years available to you. It’s very powerful. So powerful you have to understand what’s at play and actively mentally combat it.

Don’t ruin your lovely marriage & family. This too shall pass x

Buildingthefuture · 05/12/2021 07:49

Stop. Now. Christmas is coming…..imagine if you had an affair with this man (which you sound extremely up for!) what would Christmas next year look like? You’d either be sick with guilt for the time and attention you’d diverted away from your DH and DC and the literally THOUSANDS of lies you will have told OR you’ll have left your DH for him and have 2 sets of distraught children and 2 devastated and probably vengeful ex partners? Really, is THAT what you want?
To do anything about this would be so destructive to what you describe as a really good life. Fancying someone is fine, acting on it isn’t.

MsDogLady · 05/12/2021 07:52

I felt like we had a moment.

OP, you are on the cusp of blowing up innocent lives for cheap ego kibbles.

This married Player, essentially a stranger, is flirting with you with tired lines like “You would say that!” and you are swooning and desperately analyzing his every word, look and movement to determine if he has “feelings” for you.

Just imagine your Children’s heartbreak when you break the news that you and their Dad are splitting up because you have deeply hurt him. You must shut this down pronto and distance yourself.

User2638483 · 05/12/2021 07:52

Also… unless you deliberately switched it off he will be able to see you looked at his LinkedIn profile

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 05/12/2021 07:54

I've come close a couple of times. What helped me was to imagine how it would be if I did start an affair and my DH found out, imagine the heartbreak for him , picture the children sobbing when we separated , having to move out of the family home and only see the children part time. That worked for me anyway.

Crushes are common and way more exciting than everyday life at home with all the domestic commitments that go with it. A lot of people who are judgemental about your situation probably haven't experienced a huge attraction to someone else. No one can love their husband more than I do mine and yet I was tempted, more than once. Stop imagining what an affair would be like with your colleague and start imagining the fall out.

LadyWithLapdog · 05/12/2021 07:55

You have a crush, you’ve done some Googling and snooping etc. Don’t act on anything, even avoid him if you can, give it a couple of months and you’ll be your sensible self again. You’ll cringe a bit looking back. Get mega busy with Christmas and your kids.

Didimum · 05/12/2021 07:56

It’s very normal to have crushes, but your post is so very indulgent, OP, that it’s hard to feel anything other than sympathy for your family. All that fawning energy should not be directed to anywhere else other than them. You’re an adult. You have control. Please exercise it.

mugglenutmeg · 05/12/2021 07:58

You have a crush, you can either feed it or starve it. This is where you make that decision.

Everyone will experience this at some point, not everyone chooses to have an affair.

Pull yourself together...and fast.

WakeUpLockie · 05/12/2021 07:59

Ok? I mean, you’re both married and grown ups and it’s clearly a crush. Do you want us to tell you to go for it?? No, of course not. So you’re fine. It’s a crush.

peboh · 05/12/2021 08:05

Bloody Nora. You have a crush. Neither of you have feelings, you can't, you don't know anything about each other.
We all have crushes. It's unrealistic to expect that once you're married, you'll never find another person attractive again. It's what you choose to do with the crush that's important... which is nothing. You don't act on it, if you see him you be polite and say hello but don't feed this attraction. That's a one way street to somebody getting hurt.

TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 08:05

I'm confused because I don't know where these feelings have come from or why I have them

Feelings are the part of you that you can't control. They are the nature of you. Just like you can't change the fact that you don't like brussels sprouts, you can't change who you fancy/don't fancy. It's just nature. You're essentially confused about something as basic as 'Why do flowers grow?' or 'Why does the wind blow?'

You are a creature. You have natural responses to natural things. If somebody crosses your path with a compatible gene set up, you'll go a bit peculiar, like you have. And that's it. As humans, we have to keep the 'natural' part of us in check by accepting it, and then behaving appropriately, and that's the part we can control.

So have your crush. Nobody cares about the glance in the corridor or the raised eyebrow or the fluttery heart. What people care about is how you manage these feelings; like a teenager? ('Oh... my heart is breaking... I've never felt such romance before... oh I'm so so overwhelmed by the enormity of this situation...!!') or like an adult? ('Bloody hell, he's hot. Better not put myself in his path too much, it'll just torture me. Quick... better focus on that marketing email rather than turn my life into a Danielle Steele novel.'

Nix the drama. You've got a crush. You're not a kid.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 05/12/2021 08:06

You sound about 14 years old in your detailed description of minor events where you see him.

"He was the only one who waved and said hello." So what?

Try and be a bit more professional and stop behaving like a mooning, love struck teen.

Are you hoping he's going to try and strike up a romance with you? That'll be just lovely for your spouses and kids, won't it?

ViceLikeBlip · 05/12/2021 08:15

Reading your story I agree with everyone else- silky teenage crush stuff.

BUT I've also got a massive, irrational crush on a guy at work atm, and there's defo too much popping into each other's rooms, happening to have lunch together every day etc. So I do understand where you're coming from! I think I'm not so far gone as you though, because I can very clearly see that I wouldn't actually want to be with him, and I've already taken steps to nip this "totally innocent, non-flirting" flirting in the bud (even though it was fun. Sigh)

ViceLikeBlip · 05/12/2021 08:15

*SILLY 🤣🤣

knittingaddict · 05/12/2021 08:18

I think you're thread title is really weird op. I gad to trawl through umpteen paragraphs before you said that you were married too. Before that I assumed you were single.

Utterly ridiculous op and it comes across as immature and self indulgent. Not to entertain these feelings and not to pursue an affair is a decision you can choose to make. Do it, now.

Livebythecoast · 05/12/2021 08:20

Jumping on the 'don't do anything about it' wagon.
It's a crush OP and possibly not mutual. He could just be a very friendly guy and if you start flirting with him, you could make a complete tit of yourself and that would make work very uncomfortable.
Just act professional around him if your paths cross.
This has disaster written all over it if you act inappropriately and will damage so many people lives including your own.

Original poster
Feelingbutterflies · 05/12/2021 08:28

Trawl through umpteen paragraphs....oh please. In the opening paragraph I said we're both married. But at least you got to call me names.

OP posts:
Disname · 05/12/2021 08:30

OP

As someone who is a year deep into an affair with a married colleague please take some advice from me.

Stop. Just stop.

I know it feels good, I know the feeling in the pit of your stomach and the excitement and the spending your time feeling like a love struck teen. I get it, truly I do. But just stop. I can guarantee within a few weeks he will find a reason to need to text or call you and that will be that - once that starts it becomes a whole lot harder to quit.

You need to make an effort now, don’t go up to his floor. Brief professional hello when you see him. I’d even go so far as to say tell your husband about him. It will break the spell.

You don’t want to be where I am.

Runkle · 05/12/2021 08:32

Stop romanticising this silly infatuation.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 05/12/2021 08:32

None of what you wrote matters. He's married. End of.

TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 08:33

@Feelingbutterflies

Trawl through umpteen paragraphs....oh please. In the opening paragraph I said we're both married. But at least you got to call me names.
How old are you, OP? I can understand that you might feel defensive about the posts on the thread, but there is a bigger picture here in that you've asked a question, not got the answer you like, and you've decided to make a defensive post about a small point that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

It might be time to adopt a more mature mindset to deal with your feelings.

LadyWithLapdog · 05/12/2021 08:33

@Disname I don’t want to derail or be intrusive, but it sounds like you want out of it now?

Original poster
Feelingbutterflies · 05/12/2021 08:39

Feel free to read my second post for my age. I've had thoughts. Literally nothing has happened but it seems like getting on that high horse and telling me my feelings are immature are better than acknowledging what I'm feeling and how to deal with it.

OP posts:
MrsLarry · 05/12/2021 08:39

Your post is pretty disgusting to read OP. You're living in a complete fantasy world and you sound a little unhinged. Like others, I couldn't help but think what if it was my husband the office loony was fawning over. You need to get a grip, look at what you have, and push away any thoughts of ruining two marriages and hurting a lot of people.