I fancy a married colleague

[Feelingbutterflies]

OK, 6 months into my new job which I'm really enjoying and we had a managers conference for staff from various locations two weeks ago. There I met a fellow manager who I cannot stop thinking about. We are both married to other people and both have young children.

At the conference I did a one hour presentation. Later in the day whilst working in groups at tables I caught him looking at me. I remember thinking he was very good looking but never actually spoke to him. Turns out he works at the same location as me on another floor but our paths hadn't crossed before.

Last week he comes into my office to speak with someone else and says hello to me. We had a brief polite exchange and he made a comment as if he knew me along the lines of "you would say that". I thought we don't actually know each other to tease or joke yet but having seen him again, I most definitely fancy him.

This week just gone, we've 'bumped' into each other almost every day, on one day twice. Always with other people around. I legitimately walked through his floor with another colleague (I didn't actually know where he sat) and out of the whole floor he was the only one who stopped and waved to say hello to me. My knees literally went weak and heart racing. Other than saying "hi" back I didn't stop to chat.

On another day he came into my office to show a new starter around - not something that anyone from his floor has done in my six months so far! As soon as he entered the room (I looked up when the door opened) he was looking at me. He did introductions around the room and commented on our Christmas decorations being OTT. I said my children made some of the decorations. He then teased me about the decorations but didn't acknowledge my children making them. Again, I've not actually had a full one on one conversation with this guy so it feels a little familiar.

Yesterday I dropped some post off at the post room and he was in the work area moving a cabinet with three other guys. He was the only one to say hello as I walked by (I knew one of the other guys he was with but he was too busy with the cabinet to notice me). I was a little heart in mouth when I saw him and he instantly saw me. I felt like we had a moment. There was a trolley in the way which I moved for them and he teased me for 'helping'. I smiled and left.

This may be all in my head and I'm the only one with a crush, but it feels mutual.

I've been totally blindsided by these feelings. DH and I are in a good place. We got debt free this year, both with good incomes looking to buy our forever home next year. We've had our ups and downs over the 14 years of marriage, but we're financially comfortable, satisying sex life, I'm confident in myself, children both at school now and growing into proper human beings, so life feels good.

I have looked him up on LinkedIn where he says he is married with children which is how I know (but not sent a connection request) and he's the same age as me and coincidentally started at the company this year too. I cannot stop thinking about him now.

Even if he has feelings for me, I know it doesn't me he would act on it, but I am so confused right now. The last time I felt like this I married the guy!! I just feel I had to write this somewhere so I stop replaying everything in my head. What level of crazy am I?

I hope you have been able to take what you needed to from this thread OP. Yes everyone is saying things along the same lines, it what us as an outsider take from the situation, as you described it. We don't have the emotional side invested as you do. Maybe if you read the whole thread again, but make yourself an outsider to the situation, and see if you may agree with what many are saying.

Some replies are harsh, yes. But you said yourself, you weren't looking for people to say yes love carry on all will work out fine.
Many people said to avoid him. That is all you can do. You have got it out and off your chest, but don't get upset with everyone for seeing a clearer picture with no emotions involved.

Great so Instigate an affair and ruin yours and his spouses and kids lives.

What do you want us to say? 🥴

Also: I've been in this position (when I wasn't married though) and almost got sucked in until I realised I wasn't the first or last for him. You literally know nothing about him. Best to keep it that way.

Final post.

Why haven't I responded to 99% of replies? Is it because they don't tell me what I want to hear? No, it's because they are all the same responses. Most are saying I need to give my head a wobble. This is what I am doing, trying to get my head straight and acknowledge what I'm feeling when I cannot speak any of it. Most of you have responded as if it's YOUR husband I'm talking about so resorted to calling me disgusting, immature, silly and that I've lost my self respect. If you all think that grown ups don't fancy anyone else after marriage you must be naive or ignorant.

Thank you to the few with actual advice or who posted with the "been there done that" tshirt. We have been happily married for 14 years, we have outlasted all friends and most family of our generation. I was naive and never thought I would have these feelings for another man so it has literally blindsided me. It appears I have regressed to a teenager whilst trying to understand these unwanted and unexpected emotions.

I shall look into limerance and I think it is great advice to channel my sexual energy towards my husband. I feel it was important I recognise and accept my feelings so I know not to act on them. Ignoring and letting this fantasy continue in my head would have lead to trouble.

I do not want to only see my kids at weekends nor have someone else parent them. I want my family, so as I said before, I shall avoid this man. I have holiday all over Christmas so hopefully by New Year all will be forgotten.

You could be totally reading this wrong, he has said hello to you ? Even if you are not and say there is an attraction between you both.. you are happy in your life.. I wouldn’t ruin it.
My friend has the same situation, really fancies a colleague and she is certain the attraction is mutual but both happily married with children. It’s a chemistry and goes no further than a professional working relationship

OP I always think a good thing to do if you're not sure what to do, is to ask yourself what advice you would give a friend if she was asking you the same question

You've had some harsh replies here OP. I totally get where you are and the general advice to just stop and walk away is spot on.

However, it's not as easy as that is it? I'm where you are but slightly further down the line. I have a massive crush on my colleague and I know it's mutual. He's a total player and kissed me when drunk. It triggered the crush (I'd never felt anything towards him before that). Total ego boost but it's very, very difficult to switch off feelings. So I don't. I just choose to see it for what it is.

We have to work together closely so I've had to do some significant mental distancing. What I've realised is that, yes, he's good looking, yes, he says things I like to hear giving me an ego-boost but he's also snobbish, rude and totally not a person I would ever choose as a partner. He's a bit of a twat tbh.

So I still fancy him but I would NEVER do anything in real life as I would be a total fool to fuck up my marriage and destroy my bloody brilliant husband.

I'm early 40s and it's like a hormonal powder keg has gone off...that's all. If you see it for what it is, it will fade. And in a few months or years you'll think 'Thank god I didn't go there.'

Whilst happy, you sound bored in your marriage. Maybe more date nights re connection and the crush will pass. I wouldn't engage with this man further in case it goes from Crush to affair to marriage falling apart and all that entails. Crushes are common enough.

It sounds like he’s the one orchestrating all the ‘accidental’ crossing paths with you in the office. Plus all his jokey negging banter suggests to me that this isn’t his first office flirtation rodeo.

That realisation alone would make me dry up quicker than sand.

@allycat4

Also - it's quite possible this is completely in your head and there's no mutual attraction at all!

Worst case scenario - you have an affair and wreck both families.
Second worst case scenario - you make a massive fool of yourself and can't face work every again.

Just stop.

This ... @Feelingbutterflies allycat4 is right.

You sound very immature, sorry. Just leave it alone. Your mind is playing tricks on you and you are giving it fuel by filling in the gaps in the way YOU want to. What you would like, with no real basis for thinking it may be mutual. He is probably just being his polite lovely self and you have over analysed it in your favour.

Put yourself in his wife's shoes. You are going to be a Wife one day. And the fact that you are acting like this now, will make it difficult to trust your future Husband, because of how you have behaved. Allow yourself to be a temptress and possible home wrecker and you may live miserably to regret it for the rest of your life.

This could happen to you one day.

Yes it's a crush and there is nothing wrong with a crush as long as you don't act on it.

I went to a kid's party years ago and noticed a man there kept looking at me. I thought he was good looking and he would definitely have been my type if we were single. Then I went through a stage where I kept passing him on the school run and we exchanged a few looks although probably more from him than me. Then I didn't see him for a good 3 years and he disappeared completely from my head. Last year we had building work done on our house and who should turn up? Yep...that guy. He was at our house everyday for 4 months and my crush on him spiralled. I literally felt like a teenager. And he obviously felt the same. It didn't help that one of his colleagues kept making comments about him fancying me (within earshot of me) which was both uncomfortable for us both and unprofessional (but that's a whole other story). I'm happily married with two children. He's happily married (as far as I can tell) with two children. I wasn't going to cheat on my dh for a crush and I wasn't going to rip my children's happy family apart for the sake of simply finding someone attractive. I presume he felt the same. So we avoided each other. If I had to speak to any of the builders I always went to one of the others. I ensured we were never 1:1 and we never engaged in personal conversation when chatting in a small group. Despite there being some looks between us we completely kept our distance from each other so that it couldn't turn into anything else. Over time that crush has faded and we smile and say hello (no conversation) if we happen to run into each other but it's not as heightened as when we saw each other everyday. I barely think about him now.

Op, you need to do the same. You can say hello and be professional but no more than that. No more visits to his floor, and if you see him come into your floor then you need to look down before you catch eyes and only acknowledge him if he says hello to you first. No personal conversations. No joking together. Literally nothing. It's a slippery slope and if you open that door even an inch you're going to get yourself into trouble.

Please don't take my comment as a dig at your self respect!

I was saying what you could lose if you acted on your feelings. I've been there, had a real spark of chemistry with someone else. I didn't act on it but neither did I feel ashamed of it.

@Interrobanger

It sounds like he’s the one orchestrating all the ‘accidental’ crossing paths with you in the office. Plus all his jokey negging banter suggests to me that this isn’t his first office flirtation rodeo.

That realisation alone would make me dry up quicker than sand.

I don't get the impression he's orchestrating or even doing anything. He said hello to her and looked at her. If a woman, or a man she didn't fancy, acted in exactly the same way, she'd have thought nothing of it whatsoever. She's embellishing the most mundane interactions in her own head to convince herself there's some sort of magic "chemistry".

@DeeperDownTheRabbitHole didn't read op posts then, op is already married with children... how did you miss that bit

"Hormonal powder keg".....had to come back to acknowledge this brilliant on point comment!! Must be my age, late thirties

You are in a happy place but the crush you have on this person is down to the attention he is giving - and that he's attractive and unknown. It will fade!! As crushes do in time.

The fact he is deliberately saying hi and being overfamiliar....he may have been here before, next opportunity of a secret shag. Try thinking of him differently- he has a wife and kids at home but quite happy to flirt with ladies in the office. Not in the lest respectful is it. He's sussed out you could be an easy notch.

@Feelingbutterflies

Thank you. It is not as easy as just turning off my feelings. I know there is a problem but the constant name calling seems OTT.

The attention he gave you probably gave you an ego boost. You may well fancy him but you certainly don’t know him as you have never had a conversation with him. You can not have feelings as you put it, for someone you don’t know. Yet you say you would consider having an affair with this guy and ruin your marraige over a passing fancy. You need to concentrate on your marraige and stop fantasy of yours.

Crushes are totally normal. I must admit I did feel a bit sick thinking oh what if that's my husband reading it but as long as you don't act it, then nothing wrong with thinking someone is attractive

Step down people...OP is not starting an affair!! She clearly knows she is in dangerous territory, and is posting to try and shake herself out of it.

It's not immature to be attracted to someone, no matter what your age or status. She doesn't need counselling 🙄 marriage is hard work, DC make it harder. DH and I work in the same house since wfh restrictions began. I love him dearly but yes, I'm a bit bored and miss the thrill of new romance. Would never do anything about it but if I meet someone I'm attracted to, yes I'll indulge in a few daydreams and feel flattered if it's mutual. It stokes my ego and self esteem and actually enhances my marriage! I don't need to go any further, I never would. But I won't feel guilty for these feelings.

Enjoy the buzz OP...but make sure you're never alone with this man.

Myself and a friend have a note she unearthed that I wrote to her in school one day approximately 25 years ago. It is a long and detailed account of me having eye contact and exchanging pleasantries with a boy I have the hots for.

Your OP reads like it. It's a crush. Get a grip on yourself. Maybe he has 'feelings' too yes if feelings is the word you're using for a passing admiration of someone's appearance and how they present themselves.

He sounds charming, confident and pleasantly flirtatious. Apparently I am all those things and I have been repeatedly baffled over the years by colleagues or people I barely know thinking there is something going on between us.

Try and visualize your kids crying their eyes out and begging you to stay when you tell them you’re leaving daddy for another man. You don’t want that.

Sounds like you have a good stable marriage, you are lucky to have that - why would you throw it away for someone you don’t know at all?

As someone who is of a similar age to you I agree with pp that hormones and midlife crisis do strange stuff to you at this age. Be happy with where you are, don’t fuck it up. If anything you are sabotaging yourself and I can absolutely guarantee you will regret it deeply if you don’t find a way to stop these pointless fantasies over this man.

@Butterfly44

You are in a happy place but the crush you have on this person is down to the attention he is giving - and that he's attractive and unknown. It will fade!! As crushes do in time.

The fact he is deliberately saying hi and being overfamiliar....he may have been here before, next opportunity of a secret shag. Try thinking of him differently- he has a wife and kids at home but quite happy to flirt with ladies in the office. Not in the lest respectful is it. He's sussed out you could be an easy notch.

Bingo, she's been sussed, it's very easy to go from glances, chit chat, onto an affair. Easy.

He's playing the OP big time.👍😳😂

Why don't you just tell your husband absolutely everything from start to finish? I mean it's not like you've been enjoying the attention is it? This has been traumatic for you and you just didn't know what to do. I am sure your husband will be perfectly understanding.

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Haha therapy for office crushes, really. Just change the mindset, offices really are a playground for those wanting flings. All the ingredients are there for relationships.

Schools too.

Please ignore these feelings and stop playing a dangerous game, you are happily married and do Not want to ruin loads of peoples lives including children's.

It is never worth it and don't be like ohh it's only a bit of fun and nobody will find out they do and they get hurt.
My father was a cheat as a child, my hair fell out, my nerves are bad and I don't trust people all because of his behaviour and living with this with my poor mum, don't think it won't ruin lives as it does
It causes arguments in the home, sadness and uncertainty all for your bit of fun.

@Aria2015

I have to say I feel a bit sick reading this. My first thought was 'what if this was my husband?' - that's what you need to think about. Behind this 'crush' is a family, a wife, children and on your side a husband and children also. You need to give yourself a good shake. Where do think following this crush could even lead? You need to put some space between you and your crush and ride this out. Crushes do fade if you don't feed into them so don't fan the flames, back right off and let this burn out. For you families sake and for his.

Agree. It's like reading some cheesy mills and boon. He may have been looking for a number of reasons, maybe he was just looking in your direction. He may have brought the new starter up because you're new too. He may fancy the pants off you op but you have a husband and kids.