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Only been married 4 months and I think it's over!
138

MissSparkle47 · 02/12/2021 12:43

Advice needed please-
I will try to keep it short, I am feeling very stupid and embarrassed. I have been with my partner for 9 years, he doesn't really get on with my daughters aged 18 (Uni) and 20.(own house with boyfriend) Some of it is justified as they have been rude to him in the past but they have also been nice to him. They have caused me a lot of upset in the past also. We live apart as I have a flat with my job and he has a house and his 15 year old lives with him week on and week off. We sold my house last year to buy some land to build our own house (hasn't started yet) we go between his and mine. My older daughter has recently announced she is pregnant (not ideal but what can I do) the hate towards my girls seems to be getting worse and worse, he would rather I have nothing to do with them. He has now announced that when we build 'our house' my children nor grandchildren will be welcome. What on earth do I do....there is no way I could ever accept that. It is not up for negotiation apparently.. so really what choice do I have??

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Zebracat · 06/12/2021 07:03

So sorry your in this position.
Remember this is not your fault. Abusive and manipulative people tie normal people up in knots and use our instincts for listening and accepting responsibility against us. I’m sure he didn’t start out like this, bet he was marvellous. And if it’s been 9 years and you aren’t even living together yet, I gues he was careful for a long time. But having secured you, it seems he got cocky and tried to force 5he pace of coercive control.
Please don5 be ashamed that your marriage only lasted 4 months. Be relieved, because if you had got any more enmeshed, I’m pretty sure you would have lost your daughters and at 18 and 20, they are still very young adults.
Look after yourself, get some counselling. Please keep physical and emotional distance from this awful man. He will try to keep you engaged, and that is dangerous for you. Take yourself off his family group chat,, block him on everything and find a Rottweiler solicitor to protect your assets. And enjoy the baby, I think your daughters pregnancy has saved your life.

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MsDogLady · 06/12/2021 07:06

Kudos for drawing a definitive line, Sparkle! Stay strong and move forward to a happy, peaceful life with your children and sweet grand baby. 🦋

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NotSorry · 06/12/2021 07:10

Well done @MissSparkle47 that can’t have been easy. I’m not surprised you have anxiety trying to deal with this controlling man. Keep moving forward one step at a time, you can do it. Good luck

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NataliaSerene · 06/12/2021 07:16

You are brilliant and strong. Please be very proud of yourself for taking this very difficult step so quickly. I know it must be scary and painful but you’ve saved yourself and your family so much heartache.

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TatianaBis · 06/12/2021 07:25

Prenups are not legally binding in this country. It may be taken as a statement of intention, it may be upheld if fair and valid and drawn up correctly, but any part can be vetoed by a court.

If he turns round and says it wasn’t voluntary or didn’t fulfil the conditions of prenups, or is biased, you may need to get ready to fight.

If it was drawn up by good lawyers, you may be ok.

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Graphista · 06/12/2021 07:30

He doesn't like your kids or accept they are part and parcel of you (irrelevant they are young adults now as I'm guessing you've been together at least a few years so they would have been children while you were in the relationship prior to marriage) and you don't even live together - also he sounds a right nasty controlling twat!

I went to my daughters 20 week scan on Friday (he lost his shit over that)

What an arse!
I'd be blocking him and all comms via rarely checked designated email address just for him ([email protected] ?)

Or even through lawyers only (get a good one in your area ASAP if for no other reason than then he can't use them!)

Prenups aren't always adhered to BUT thankfully v short marriage and he's hardly financially dependent on you! Still good to get legal advice ASAP on financial side at least

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oakleaffy · 06/12/2021 07:30

Why did you not sell HIS house and buy land?
I hope to goodness you haven’t lost out financially
He sounds awful.
A controlling arse.
Sell the land , buy another house and leave.
What a mess.

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ChaToilLeam · 06/12/2021 07:31

I am so glad to hear you protected yourself and your assets, OP. This is hurtful but it will pass. He has shown his true colours and they are ugly. You have done the right thing. Look forward to being a granny.

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KaptainKaveman · 06/12/2021 07:34

He was jealous of your dds and wanted your money, OP. Thankfully you have shown him the door.

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Jabbawasarollingstone · 06/12/2021 07:38

You have done the right thing. I think your future is bright. So much to look forward to. Hold on to what is important, like family. I wish you well.🤗

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Pinksloth · 06/12/2021 07:50

People are not being unkind to you OP. They are upset on your behalf. They don't want to see you being manipulated or controlled any more by this man.

You say your anxiety is really bad but relationships should improve your anxiety not make it worse. Your DH is increasing or even causing your anxiety. It's difficult to see when you're still in the relationship because he makes you believe that it's your fault or that there's something wrong with you. People from the outside can see much more clearly how bad he has been for you.

How dare he try and claim some profit for the land. Is he equally going to give you the profit from his property value increasing? And do you believe he would have compensated you if the value of the land had dropped? Of course not!

Thank goodness you have your own accommodation and are not reliant on him financially.

You've got lots to look forward to with your daughter's pregnancy. Do not choose this man over your daughters. Good luck.

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YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 07:58

You have no choice. What kind of life partner would expect you to have no relationship with your daughter and grandchildren. There can be no compromise here. At least you still have your home with your job.
Seek immediate legal advice.

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Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 06/12/2021 08:00

Well done for making the decision to end things, being with someone so controlling must have been exhausting. Look up counsellors in your area and try a few til you find one that’s right for you. Did you get a copy of the baby scan? If so put it somewhere you will see it loads and let that be the thing that gives you strength to work towards a bright new future and fresh start. It’s never too late to start again! You can’t go back and undo what’s done, but you can make amends to your children by being a better stronger you from today onwards. Get a good solicitor too, dig deep and find your fight, good luck.

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tara66 · 06/12/2021 08:00

He has no right to dictate your relationship with your children. Don't feel regret, anxiety, sadness etc at all about the end of the relationship. You have dodged a bullet - a little late but no matter at least you don't have small children with him - only this piece of land possibly. You may be able to claim he should not get any share of it particularly as he has his own house, good pension etc. You could make counter claim to his assets? As if you had stayed together you would have benefitted from his good pension etc. He can't have it both ways.

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50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/12/2021 08:42

Well done!!! You have handled this very difficult and upsetting situation perfectly.

It's a huge change from where you were even a couple of weeks ago so you will be dealing with feelings of shock and anxiety, that is to be expected.

But as you say, the hormone therapy may be helpful. it'll be interesting to see. I hope it helps you feel a bit better.

Focus on your own physical wellbeing and the mental fitness will follow. One step at a time. And again, well done for keeping your own place and ringfencing your property.

His attitude is miserable. Honestly, I know your daughter is young but the baby will be lovely and adored by all, I'm sure. He is an absolute twat to reject your daughter and grandchild.

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Constellationstation · 06/12/2021 09:22

Well done OP. I’m so so pleased to hear that you’re getting out of this horrible situation. For what it’s worth I had a marriage that lasted about 4 months. I don’t feel any shame in that (anymore) I just feel proud of myself for seeing the light and doing something really difficult .
It will perhaps take a long time to get over but your life is going to be so much brighter and better without him. Such a lovely distraction for you to have a new grandchild to look after.

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Skeumorph · 06/12/2021 09:32

Can you look into an annullment of the marriage? - instead of divorce - might stand you in better stead re money.

Good luck

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Bells3032 · 06/12/2021 09:37

Good for you for making a stand and leaving him. It takes great strength to leave someone abusive and you should never forget that. As for the financials whilst Prenups are not binding hopefully the duration of the marriage and the intention of the prenup should allow you to get out with everything you put in and be able to walk away with a clean break.

So exciting to see your grandbaby's scan (I am taking my MIL for a scan today and its her first grandbaby too and she's so excited!!). Enjoy every minute as you deserve. sending lots of love and stregnth to you

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YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 09:39

How did others in the family chat respond OP? I can't believe anyone would think that choosing children over a partner is anything but absolutely the right thing to do... I hope his family are angry with him too

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GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 06/12/2021 11:46

It's great news you've left him. Well done you. Take one day at a time and realise some days will be better than others, but your life will be so much better without him.

Get the ball rolling on the divorce, the shorter the marriage the less he will be entitled to. Ignore his suggestions if splitting the lands unless of course he will sell his house, split that and his pensions

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ilssagain · 06/12/2021 12:13

Is it your family chat or his family chat? I wouldn't put up with that for one second longer - if it's his family chat, leave the group. If it's yours, boot him out or get a family member to boot him out.
You've split - he's not family any more

I am so glad you have ended things with him. It will be hard and you must be going through a lot of pain at the moment, but you have maintained your relationship with your daughters which is much more important and there will be a new baby along soon - your first grandchild and your life will be full of love once again.

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crystalize · 06/12/2021 13:03

Oh OP your self esteem must be at rock bottom to have put up with him all these years. The added anxiety brought on by meno must be so tough. Focus must be on you now getting yourself stronger both mentally and physically.

Please do BLOCK him on every channel for now. Just an email address for any legalities. You need no contact to help your recovery of his abuse.

I hope the HRT helps. If the anxiety is really bad you can ask GP for some temporary medication to help you through this.

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AcrossthePond55 · 06/12/2021 13:06

He didn't need to know about your DD's scan. He doesn't have to know anything about your day to day life from now on. You need to 'grey rock'. It can be hard to grey rock when you've been used to 'having' to tell them everything you do, but you can do it.

Better yet, confine all communication to written form. That gives you time to think before responding.

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MsDogLady · 06/12/2021 14:45

Sparkle, he will likely try to hoover you by making promises. I think you previously separated but then you went back. Stay determined and don’t fall for any tactics he may use to lure you. You can do this.

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MissSparkle47 · 06/12/2021 15:35

Thank you so much everyone, he put it on his family's group chat. He could kill someone and his parents will stick up for him. I have left that chat now. It's not helped I've hardly slept and I'm running on empty. A long with working full time. I can't get an annulment the criteria is very bizarre. STD already married, married a relative so will need to wait a year. My anxiety is through the roof and just start randomly crying on and off. It's not helped by the job I do I need to be happy and jolly for my residents.
Or the time of year 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don't want to be so pathetic x

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