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Only been married 4 months and I think it's over!
138

MissSparkle47 · 02/12/2021 12:43

Advice needed please-
I will try to keep it short, I am feeling very stupid and embarrassed. I have been with my partner for 9 years, he doesn't really get on with my daughters aged 18 (Uni) and 20.(own house with boyfriend) Some of it is justified as they have been rude to him in the past but they have also been nice to him. They have caused me a lot of upset in the past also. We live apart as I have a flat with my job and he has a house and his 15 year old lives with him week on and week off. We sold my house last year to buy some land to build our own house (hasn't started yet) we go between his and mine. My older daughter has recently announced she is pregnant (not ideal but what can I do) the hate towards my girls seems to be getting worse and worse, he would rather I have nothing to do with them. He has now announced that when we build 'our house' my children nor grandchildren will be welcome. What on earth do I do....there is no way I could ever accept that. It is not up for negotiation apparently.. so really what choice do I have??

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Janera7 · 03/12/2021 11:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

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MissSparkle47 · 06/12/2021 02:08

Hi everyone,
I wanted to give you all an update to my lost post. My relationship is over. I said I wasn't prepared to continue with the restrictions he tries to put on me. I've told him his controlling bullying ways are making me really ill.
He announced on his family chat, that we have parted ways due to me picking my children over him. I plucked up the courage and put on the chat the reason our marriage isn't continuing is because he has told me my children and any grandchildren will never be allowed in any future home and that clearly isn't acceptable. He's turned v nasty toward me my anxiety is through the roof. I am not sleeping, I know I never should have married him but please everyone I need some support. I have confided in a couple of friends which has helped a bit.

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MondayYogurt · 06/12/2021 02:15

Time to book a chat with a good divorce lawyer as I expect he will now work towards controlling you that way.

Keep talking to people and being more
open about his abuse. Don't allow him to drag you back.

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Crunched · 06/12/2021 02:16

As hard as things are now, be assured you have done the right thing. He sounds controlling and immature.
I'm glad your friends are being supportive and hopefully your DC are cheering you on as well.

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AcrossthePond55 · 06/12/2021 02:43

First things first, see a solicitor right away. That will go a long way towards 'settling' your mind, even if you are told things that are, well, surprising.

Next, if you haven't already, block communication. At the very least remove yourself from this 'family chat'. You don't need to hear his shit. You know the truth. That's enough.

After the dust settles, seek counseling. It will help you find out why you ended up in this situation and give you tools to see that it never happens again.

You deserve to be happy. And you will be, as soon as this next 'rough patch' (divorce) is done.

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groovergirl · 06/12/2021 03:42

Well done, OP. You feel awful and anxious now, but I promise you this will pass. It was a short marriage, and you don't live under the same roof, so fingers crossed for you that you keep your land, or money from the sale of it.

You have your own flat, and that's a really good thing. You will sleep soundly soon enough. Flowers

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HoppingPavlova · 06/12/2021 03:47

He announced on his family chat, that we have parted ways due to me picking my children over him.

I don’t know why you feel the need to defend that by elaborating. Anyone would think he is a dick. Uhmmm, of course you would be picking your kids over him, that’s completely normal and expected whatever the situation. If not someone would be a bad parent and I say that as someone with adult kids. If I had read what he wrote I would think ‘yes, obviously, and?’.

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BurnedToast · 06/12/2021 04:07

Good grief. You've subjected your children to this since they were 9 and 11. Hmm

Never mind your 'anxiety'. What about what you've put them through? Just grow a spine and get rid of this man.

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CtrlU · 06/12/2021 04:45

I’m not sure why you married him honestly

Ridiculous

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PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/12/2021 05:06

So where is the 18 year old supposed to go when on holiday from uni? They didn’t choose to be your children.
You did choose to be his wife.
I think you know the answer.

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PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/12/2021 05:11

Just seen your update. Well done, and at least, on the bright side, he’s made your case easier.
By telling your family that he’s divorcing you for prioritising your still reasonably young kids over his fully grown arse, he’s shown them all what an utter d* he is, which makes it harder to defend himself.

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EMotion · 06/12/2021 05:20

You did the right thing.
He seems plain nasty.
You will get through this, and you and your children and grandchild will be happy.
Stay strong.

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MimiDaisy11 · 06/12/2021 05:35

Best wishes going forward. You’ve made the right decision

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faithfulbird20 · 06/12/2021 05:40

Controlling and abusive leave

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Joystir59 · 06/12/2021 05:43

What is your financial position op? I hope you've initiated divorce proceedings?

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AnyOldPrion · 06/12/2021 06:08

Sounds awful. I hope you can separate your finances. It sounds worrying that you were the one who sold the house to buy the land. Is it in both names, by any chance? I can’t help wondering whether he married you, then pushed you into an impossible situation purely to allow him to take your money.

Now you need to find the strength to move on properly. He is always going to be a bully. You need to entirely disentangle yourself and put your daughters first. I left my husband and a comfortable life (monetarily) because he bullied our children. My aim is now to mend any breaches with them by providing a home where they know they are always welcome if they’re in any trouble. It won’t be big or flashy, but they know I’m here for them. I will not be bringing another man in unless he is entirely supportive of them as well as me. If that means no more men, then so be it.

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Jaguar77 · 06/12/2021 06:09

You lived with my man who actively loathed your children. What did you get out of the relationship?

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PlumManor · 06/12/2021 06:34

Ok so you’ve done the hardest step, well done 👏

Next money, what’s the situation?

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MissSparkle47 · 06/12/2021 06:39

I really don't need to be told by some of you my downfalls I already know that enough, am struggling mentally.
Thankfully to those that have asked I had a prenup properly drawn up and he reluctantly signed it stating I'd never come after you for anything 🙄he has his own assets and what would be a big pension. But o brought my first house with Some inheritance money from when my mum passed and wanted to make sure I ring fences that. So the land as much as he's tried this weekend in suggesting I do the right thing and give him half of any profit, is not his. So i will not do anything now with the land it can sit there for a bit as I am quite happy and feel safe in my little flat. My 18 year old has a lovely bedroom here also. I went to my daughters 20 week scan on Friday (he lost his shit over that) and i am already booked in for the first lot of babysitting duties and he's not born yet. Just want to stop thinking about him and stop feeling anxious, worried sick have bad tummy etc. I am due to help HRT today hoping that may help me with some of it. Thank you everyone I am trying my v best to do what's right x

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pictish · 06/12/2021 06:47

You have done what’s right. Good for you. I haven’t got time to write a longer reply but wanted to show you support. Xx

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november90 · 06/12/2021 06:47

This isn't bout your daughters or grandchildren... this is about the position he has put YOU in.
All family members aren't always going to get on or liek eachbother.... and it's hard when it's liek that. But to tell you that your own daughters and grandchildren can't come to your house is beyond disrespectful, utterly selfish and insulting. How can a man who loves you do this?

OP, my marriage ended after a year when I was pregnant. My husband walked out on me randomly. It was embarrassing and hurtful... but you will soon get over that. It's more common then You realise.

You will not regret putting your children first!

Sending love xx

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november90 · 06/12/2021 06:50

Just read your update OP. I know we don't know eachother but I am so proud of you for putting yourself first.
Someone on Mumsnet told me when I went through this you will hit rock bottom, and then maybe hit it again but it will get better and that is absolutely true and stuck with me this whole time.
Always here to chat if you want to ♥️♥️♥️
You have done the absolutely right thing!!!!

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GoodnightGrandma · 06/12/2021 06:53

Well done.
Block him, and his family chat, and only have contact through a solicitor.
Don’t let him bully you anymore.

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Drunkpanda · 06/12/2021 06:53

Very pleased to read your update. Imagine the life you'd have had going forward! Stay strong Flowers

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CiaoEB · 06/12/2021 06:56

Get legal advice so you can have everything set up formally, sounds like there’s a good chance he’ll try to manipulate you to get what he can out of you financially. Please also get some professional counselling as I’m just thinking that after nine years he’s probably completely destroyed your sense of self worth so it’s going to be really helpful for you to gain insight into why you felt like you needed to stay in a relationship where you and your children were manipulated and controlled and maybe learn some ways you can recognise abusive behaviour and how to distance yourself quickly and safely.

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