Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Only been married 4 months and I think it's over!
138

MissSparkle47 · 02/12/2021 12:43

Advice needed please-
I will try to keep it short, I am feeling very stupid and embarrassed. I have been with my partner for 9 years, he doesn't really get on with my daughters aged 18 (Uni) and 20.(own house with boyfriend) Some of it is justified as they have been rude to him in the past but they have also been nice to him. They have caused me a lot of upset in the past also. We live apart as I have a flat with my job and he has a house and his 15 year old lives with him week on and week off. We sold my house last year to buy some land to build our own house (hasn't started yet) we go between his and mine. My older daughter has recently announced she is pregnant (not ideal but what can I do) the hate towards my girls seems to be getting worse and worse, he would rather I have nothing to do with them. He has now announced that when we build 'our house' my children nor grandchildren will be welcome. What on earth do I do....there is no way I could ever accept that. It is not up for negotiation apparently.. so really what choice do I have??

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Sausagedogsarethebest · 02/12/2021 16:03

OP, when you posted 4 months ago, before marrying this 'man', everyone was telling you he was vile, abusive, coercive, and to get away from him as soon as possible. Shocked to read that you married him. If it's been 4 months then you must have married him very soon after that last post which is unfathomable. There's no point asking for advice here if you don't want to hear it or just ignore it. This guy sounds awful and I can't work out why you stayed with him.

Please
or
to access all these features

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 17:13

OP, when you posted 4 months ago, before marrying this 'man'

Same when it was posted 8 months ago.

What’s it going to take OP?

Please
or
to access all these features

OtherPlans · 02/12/2021 17:22

Oh I remember you. Can't believe you married him! It's never too late to turn things around. Will you?

Please
or
to access all these features

MintJulia · 02/12/2021 17:26

Your house isn't built yet and he's already telling you you can't have your family there.

Dump him immediately. He's a nasty controlling arse who clearly doesn't care if you are happy, and is not worth the bother.
Get rid.

Please
or
to access all these features

DismantledKing · 02/12/2021 17:29

Awaiting another similar thread in 3 months time saying exactly the same thing.

Please
or
to access all these features

NowEvenBetter · 02/12/2021 17:29

Why not at least attempt to make one good choice? You’ve put this bloke before your kids for years and think they’ll want a relationship with you?
The only advice you need is from a solicitor about divorcing your embarrassing choice of male.

Please
or
to access all these features

Alfixn · 02/12/2021 17:40

OP, having read all of your posts it's clear he is a controlling and abusive man. He has separated you from your own children and even from your dogs. Abusers often do this to their victims.

People are being a bit harsh here, asking why you married him etc, but I know it's not always easy for women to leave their abusers.

I hope you find the help and the strength you need to get away from him as soon as possible. Abusers often ramp up their controlling tendencies after marriage as they believe they have you trapped.

He is not a good person and he will make your life worse and eventually seperate you from everybody you love. Please try to find the strength to leave before that happens.

Hugs to you X

Please
or
to access all these features

Justcallmebebes · 02/12/2021 17:58

By marrying him you have sent a very clear message to your children that his needs and wants come before theirs

Please
or
to access all these features

freeatlast2021 · 02/12/2021 21:08

I am surprised you are asking this question OP. I would let nobody, and I mean NOBODY come between me and my kids. EVER.

Please
or
to access all these features

Pixiedust138 · 02/12/2021 21:12

You'll find someone else, yours daughters and grandchildren you can't replace

Please
or
to access all these features

AnyFucker · 02/12/2021 21:19

You can take a horse to water…..

Please
or
to access all these features

feelingfree17 · 02/12/2021 21:20

What on earth do I do?
Surely you know the answer to that
Get him gone

Please
or
to access all these features

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/12/2021 21:22

You lost me at your elder daughter and her boyfriend expecting a child as “not being ideal”.

Please
or
to access all these features

Outlyingtrout · 02/12/2021 21:27

Your poor kids. What were you thinking inviting a man into your lives who "didn't get on" with them?

My suggestion would be to leave him immediately and pour everything you've got into proving to your girls that you are capable of being the mum they need and putting them before a bloke.

Please
or
to access all these features

Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/12/2021 21:29

You end the relationship tonight.

He’s ended it, not you. Your eighteen year old baby is about to have HER OWN baby and he’s expecting you to have nothing to do with her? Fuck that for a tin of beans!

Your girls were teenagers and he was a grown man. Choose them and walk away before you become embroiled in a complicated house build.

Contact a solicitor ASAP, are your finances desperate? Where are your girls living?

Please
or
to access all these features

BIWI · 02/12/2021 21:34

@AnyFucker

You can take a horse to water…..

You can try very, very hard ...
Please
or
to access all these features

Porfre · 02/12/2021 21:37

Het your will sorted asap

Please
or
to access all these features

cakecakecheese · 02/12/2021 21:51

You should already know this but when a controlling person pulls this kind of stunt it's an attempt to keep you isolated with no support network. Do not let him win. A short marriage is better than more years of abuse.

Please
or
to access all these features

ChristmasPlanning · 02/12/2021 22:20

@Alfixn

OP, having read all of your posts it's clear he is a controlling and abusive man. He has separated you from your own children and even from your dogs. Abusers often do this to their victims.

People are being a bit harsh here, asking why you married him etc, but I know it's not always easy for women to leave their abusers.

I hope you find the help and the strength you need to get away from him as soon as possible. Abusers often ramp up their controlling tendencies after marriage as they believe they have you trapped.

He is not a good person and he will make your life worse and eventually seperate you from everybody you love. Please try to find the strength to leave before that happens.

Hugs to you X

This from @Alfixn
Please
or
to access all these features

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2021 22:24

Whose name is on the land? Please don't tell me that you put in all the money but it's in both your names. Please. But if that is the situation, see a solicitor ASAP. I know there's something in the UK about 'short marriages' with regards to division of property and assets, but I don't know exactly how it works.

You cannot stay married to this man, you just can't. You say you live separately. That's good. And hopefully you have separate finances.

Get those ducks in a row, get educated about the land and any joint finances. Then if he has a key, change the locks. Then tell him that since he issued an ultimatum between him and your children, you choose your children.

Please
or
to access all these features

Jk24 · 02/12/2021 22:35

Why is it not ideal your daughter is pregnant? It sounds like she's in a more stable relationship than you are... you should be happy for her and offering all the help she needs as her mother and not still living with this arsehole

Please
or
to access all these features

HarrisonStickle · 02/12/2021 22:37

You chose this man over your dogs, you chose him over your children.

You married him when you were posting on here about the way he treated you and your children and made you get rid of your dogs.

You know the advice will be to leave him. It should be simple in theory since you don't live together and you bought the land in your name.

What is it that keeps you under his influence? Why do you feel that you have to have him in your life?

You ask what choice you have - up to now you've chosen him every time. What will make this time different for you?

Please
or
to access all these features

PickAChew · 03/12/2021 00:37

You could have not married him when it was clear all was not well.

But you did. You can still leave him

What we cannot do is tell you how to make him be lovely to you and your girls. Because he won't be. Ever.

Please
or
to access all these features

User310 · 03/12/2021 02:43

Honestly, there would be no reply from me other than ‘shut the f*ck up’. I really am not an aggressive person and I am not somebody who argues ect but this would just be such a non discussion point for me, I wouldn’t even entertain the ridiculousness of it.

Please
or
to access all these features

MsDogLady · 03/12/2021 07:03

Sparkle, how can you possibly be surprised that he won’t allow your daughters to visit your future home? In March when you lived with him, he wasn’t allowing your 17 year old to visit. Seven months earlier he had become angry with her regarding an issue that didn’t even concern him and he banished her. So, this is nothing new.

I can only echo everyone. You’ve written threads detailing this monster’s abuse and yet you further sabotaged your life by marrying him.

*He hates your girls and becomes enraged when you visit them, your son, and your friends.
*He now wants to isolate you from your future grandchild.
*He banished your then 9 year old dogs.
*You perpetually walk on eggshells because he dominates and criticizes everything you do.
*He once suddenly stormed out of an out-of-town restaurant, leaving you stranded and perplexed as to why he was angry. You had to walk through the town alone, catch the train, and walk home in the dark.
*He was regularly kicking you out when you lived with him..

Sparkle, it is tragic that your daughters have been subjected to this cruel abuser since they were 9 and 11. He has isolated you and beaten you down. In your other threads, concerned posters listed supportive resources to help you get away. You deserve a happy, peaceful life. Please make an exit plan.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.