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Only been married 4 months and I think it's over!
138

MissSparkle47 · 02/12/2021 12:43

Advice needed please-
I will try to keep it short, I am feeling very stupid and embarrassed. I have been with my partner for 9 years, he doesn't really get on with my daughters aged 18 (Uni) and 20.(own house with boyfriend) Some of it is justified as they have been rude to him in the past but they have also been nice to him. They have caused me a lot of upset in the past also. We live apart as I have a flat with my job and he has a house and his 15 year old lives with him week on and week off. We sold my house last year to buy some land to build our own house (hasn't started yet) we go between his and mine. My older daughter has recently announced she is pregnant (not ideal but what can I do) the hate towards my girls seems to be getting worse and worse, he would rather I have nothing to do with them. He has now announced that when we build 'our house' my children nor grandchildren will be welcome. What on earth do I do....there is no way I could ever accept that. It is not up for negotiation apparently.. so really what choice do I have??

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Labellex · 06/12/2021 22:46

Defo look into unreasonable behaviour, save any texts of him being abusive nasty as it will only count in your favour.

How dare he try to drive a wedge between you and your family OP especially when you have a grandchild on the way, I know it probably doesn’t feel like it now but honestly this is probably the best thing you could of ever done you deserve so much better.

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me4real · 06/12/2021 22:25

OP you could file under unreasonable behaviour meaning you don't have to wait the year!

November is right @MissSparkle47 . I knew someone through here and she was able to get her divorce quite quickly. Covid will've slowed it down a bit but apparently it's about 9-12 months to completion now.

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PicsInRed · 06/12/2021 20:37

So the land as much as he's tried this weekend in suggesting I do the right thing and give him half of any profit

He is an absolute comedian.

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november90 · 06/12/2021 20:26

OP you could file under unreasonable behaviour meaning you don't have to wait the year!

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AhNowTed · 06/12/2021 18:29

So he wanted to share the profit.

Would be have shared the loss?

Nooooo.

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FedUpAtHomeTroels · 06/12/2021 18:23

I'd visit the solicitors and get the separation all legal and make sure your money from the sale is safe and can't be taken.

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CaMePlaitPas · 06/12/2021 18:04

You choose your kids OP. I'm surprised you're even asking what to do.

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LaplandLucy · 06/12/2021 17:40

@pictish

Fuck off Lucy you victim-blaming crow.

There is a line between victim blaming and absolving all women from all responsibility for their children. There have been threads on this following on from that poor child Arthur about how single parents need to start putting their children first and stop bringing random strangers into their children lives for them to be abused by them.
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me4real · 06/12/2021 17:33

STD is already married, married a relative so will need to wait a year.

@MissSparkle47 What is this bit? Marrying a close relative is something someone can apply for an annulment immediately for I think, as it means the marriage was not legally valid. www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

Cousins is allowed though and would be subject to the normal divorce laws when it comes to that, so it would have to be a closer relative than that. www.mylawyer.co.uk/the-law-on-getting-married-a-A76051D76350/#link5

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pictish · 06/12/2021 17:12

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PerseverancePays · 06/12/2021 17:11

It’s not always this awful. Take heart. If you need some help with anxiety/depression, maybe see the GP for some short term solutions, then ‘interview’ some counsellors for some much needed therapy to work out why you let yourself get so emmeshed with such a vile person. You will heal from this.
Grandchildren are the best! You have his beam of light coming to you and you can enjoy every minute. Take some time for yourself, be gentle. 💐

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LaplandLucy · 06/12/2021 16:58

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NataliaSerene · 06/12/2021 16:21

@MissSparkle47

Thank you so much everyone, he put it on his family's group chat. He could kill someone and his parents will stick up for him. I have left that chat now. It's not helped I've hardly slept and I'm running on empty. A long with working full time. I can't get an annulment the criteria is very bizarre. STD already married, married a relative so will need to wait a year. My anxiety is through the roof and just start randomly crying on and off. It's not helped by the job I do I need to be happy and jolly for my residents.
Or the time of year 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don't want to be so pathetic x

It's a terrible time, but it will pass.

I keep thinking about "Dirty John". The nerve of someone trying to come between you and your children. The difference is, you put a stop to it immediately.

Try to do some little kind things for yourself this evening and every day until you feel better. Put on your favorite comfy clothes, turn on a favorite movie, drink something nice (maybe not alcohol!) and light a candle. Take deep breathes and find a 5 minute meditation on youtube. Start the healing process.

You are good. You have this. You have an amazing new grandbaby on the way and now that you are rid of him your life is going to be easier.
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MissSparkle47 · 06/12/2021 15:35

Thank you so much everyone, he put it on his family's group chat. He could kill someone and his parents will stick up for him. I have left that chat now. It's not helped I've hardly slept and I'm running on empty. A long with working full time. I can't get an annulment the criteria is very bizarre. STD already married, married a relative so will need to wait a year. My anxiety is through the roof and just start randomly crying on and off. It's not helped by the job I do I need to be happy and jolly for my residents.
Or the time of year 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don't want to be so pathetic x

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MsDogLady · 06/12/2021 14:45

Sparkle, he will likely try to hoover you by making promises. I think you previously separated but then you went back. Stay determined and don’t fall for any tactics he may use to lure you. You can do this.

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AcrossthePond55 · 06/12/2021 13:06

He didn't need to know about your DD's scan. He doesn't have to know anything about your day to day life from now on. You need to 'grey rock'. It can be hard to grey rock when you've been used to 'having' to tell them everything you do, but you can do it.

Better yet, confine all communication to written form. That gives you time to think before responding.

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crystalize · 06/12/2021 13:03

Oh OP your self esteem must be at rock bottom to have put up with him all these years. The added anxiety brought on by meno must be so tough. Focus must be on you now getting yourself stronger both mentally and physically.

Please do BLOCK him on every channel for now. Just an email address for any legalities. You need no contact to help your recovery of his abuse.

I hope the HRT helps. If the anxiety is really bad you can ask GP for some temporary medication to help you through this.

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ilssagain · 06/12/2021 12:13

Is it your family chat or his family chat? I wouldn't put up with that for one second longer - if it's his family chat, leave the group. If it's yours, boot him out or get a family member to boot him out.
You've split - he's not family any more

I am so glad you have ended things with him. It will be hard and you must be going through a lot of pain at the moment, but you have maintained your relationship with your daughters which is much more important and there will be a new baby along soon - your first grandchild and your life will be full of love once again.

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GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 06/12/2021 11:46

It's great news you've left him. Well done you. Take one day at a time and realise some days will be better than others, but your life will be so much better without him.

Get the ball rolling on the divorce, the shorter the marriage the less he will be entitled to. Ignore his suggestions if splitting the lands unless of course he will sell his house, split that and his pensions

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YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 09:39

How did others in the family chat respond OP? I can't believe anyone would think that choosing children over a partner is anything but absolutely the right thing to do... I hope his family are angry with him too

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Bells3032 · 06/12/2021 09:37

Good for you for making a stand and leaving him. It takes great strength to leave someone abusive and you should never forget that. As for the financials whilst Prenups are not binding hopefully the duration of the marriage and the intention of the prenup should allow you to get out with everything you put in and be able to walk away with a clean break.

So exciting to see your grandbaby's scan (I am taking my MIL for a scan today and its her first grandbaby too and she's so excited!!). Enjoy every minute as you deserve. sending lots of love and stregnth to you

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Skeumorph · 06/12/2021 09:32

Can you look into an annullment of the marriage? - instead of divorce - might stand you in better stead re money.

Good luck

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Constellationstation · 06/12/2021 09:22

Well done OP. I’m so so pleased to hear that you’re getting out of this horrible situation. For what it’s worth I had a marriage that lasted about 4 months. I don’t feel any shame in that (anymore) I just feel proud of myself for seeing the light and doing something really difficult .
It will perhaps take a long time to get over but your life is going to be so much brighter and better without him. Such a lovely distraction for you to have a new grandchild to look after.

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50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/12/2021 08:42

Well done!!! You have handled this very difficult and upsetting situation perfectly.

It's a huge change from where you were even a couple of weeks ago so you will be dealing with feelings of shock and anxiety, that is to be expected.

But as you say, the hormone therapy may be helpful. it'll be interesting to see. I hope it helps you feel a bit better.

Focus on your own physical wellbeing and the mental fitness will follow. One step at a time. And again, well done for keeping your own place and ringfencing your property.

His attitude is miserable. Honestly, I know your daughter is young but the baby will be lovely and adored by all, I'm sure. He is an absolute twat to reject your daughter and grandchild.

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tara66 · 06/12/2021 08:00

He has no right to dictate your relationship with your children. Don't feel regret, anxiety, sadness etc at all about the end of the relationship. You have dodged a bullet - a little late but no matter at least you don't have small children with him - only this piece of land possibly. You may be able to claim he should not get any share of it particularly as he has his own house, good pension etc. You could make counter claim to his assets? As if you had stayed together you would have benefitted from his good pension etc. He can't have it both ways.

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