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Original poster

Husband desperately wants another baby but I don't feel ready

131 replies

rmummyofone · 30/11/2021 18:53

Well as the title states, I'm not yet ready.
My little one was completely unplanned the pregnancy was not what I wanted at that time in my life, we were newly married, I was 20, and I wasn't ready but love children and my husband absolutely adores them, so I grew to accept it and ended up enjoying my pregnancy. We both had issues during my pregnancy, he cheated on me, he was talking to other girls online, which took me a long time to forgive and then did it again.. makes me sound like a mug but I loved him and still do, I went for counselling and got through it with him.
For the last year or so (since my little one was around 10 months old) I've been feeling 'pressure' to put it lightly from my husband to TTC. I put it off and made it clear I wasn't ready, I had the nexplanon implant put in which was a nightmare. I had that in from September of 2020 to Feb of this year.
I've told him my reasons being I'm worried he will cheat like he did when I was pregnant the first time and he continues to show he's so sorry about his mistakes. I've told him the recovery after birth was horrible (it really was, a ventouse delivery with a huge episiotomy that broke down) he's reassuring to me that he will help me (he did after my first birth too) but the reality is, I just don't feel ready. I keep saying it's my body, it's my choice. But to me it seems he just wants to have the baby in summer so he can have his time off work and have a nice paternity leave with us, his reasons are genuine but I can't imagine being heavily pregnant about to pop in summer!!! I just don't want that.

He wants to TTC this month (dec) so baby would be born august/sept. But I've made it clear I don't want that, he went quiet, he was upset. He's reacted quite badly before, not respectful of my boundaries, and I know some people out there would love a partner who wants another child so badly but it's almost suffocating he keeps bringing it up everyday he jokes about it, he tries to push it on me so much and it's such a turn off. I've told him this too but he continues to do it. Maybe he thinks it will persuade me?

Idk anyone else really who has a problem like
Mine? I would like to ttc from Feb to have a baby in November of 2022 or anytime after that. To me that feels like a gap between the two I could deal with.

Idk why it's upsetting me, maybe I'm the one in the wrong here? I'd just like some advice really..
forgot to mention I'm 22 now.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/11/2021 19:45

He sounds abusive
He cheated on you and now he’s pressuring you. You’re so young to be wasting your life with this man

cakecakecheese · 30/11/2021 20:00

Fact is he's ignoring your feelings and physical health. It's like he's a child who wants a puppy but doesn't understand the practicalities.

TheCovidScoorge · 30/11/2021 20:03

He's abusive. Leave.

BobGalaxy · 30/11/2021 20:04

It doesn't sound like he wants another baby, it just sounds like he wants a holiday!

Outlyingtrout · 30/11/2021 20:05

He's an absolute shit, OP. And also extremely thick if he can't wrap his head around why you aren't desperate for him to impregnate you after his disgusting double betrayal the last time and the massive physical toll that giving birth took on you. No decent man would be pressuring his wife to put her body through that again. He doesn't appear to have any respect for you or concern for you well-being.

I gather from your OP that you love him and intend to stay married to him regardless of his treatment of you thus far. In that case, I'd tell him firmly that you will not be having a baby next year and won't even be discussing it until you are ready. I'd also tell him that if he continues to try and pressure you and ignore these boundaries then he will be out the door. But there's no point whatsoever in laying out boundaries that you don't intend to enforce, so you need to think about what you are actually prepared to tolerate from this man before you say enough is enough.

Outlyingtrout · 30/11/2021 20:06

Long story short, he's abusive and you'd be safer and better off without him.

DukkaDukka · 30/11/2021 20:07

What a twat. Do not have another baby with him. He’s being massively selfish. Why is he so desperate for another? Does he want to keep you at home?

IWasFunBeforeMum · 30/11/2021 20:09

Don't do it. We had a second child very quickly after the first and if I'd had a partner who I didn't trust I couldn't have gotten through it. Please please don't do this just to please him.

squee123 · 30/11/2021 20:11

No bloody way I'd be trying to TTC with him right now. There's every risk he'll cheat on you again and leave you holding both babies, whilst recovering from another difficult birth.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 30/11/2021 20:13

What was your childhood like OP?

What has led you to marry a controlling, cheating scumbag who doesn’t have any respect for you, your body, your health and mental well-being?

I’m appalled YOU went to counselling in order to stay with him. What has this man done to prove himself!?

Really, you will look back in 10-20 years and wish you’d left.

Original poster
rmummyofone · 30/11/2021 20:48

To be honest I had a great childhood, I had abs have very loving parents who do all they can to see me happy. I went to a private school, I'm educated to Alevels, I chose not to go to university, as I was getting married and didn't really have a passion for anything to take at degree level.
He wasn't always this way, he was lovely. He used to support any of my dreams through college, he used to take me to Uni open days or join me whenever he could, he was very very caring, loves my family and is very close to them.

Things changed when we got married, he became controlling, I am a Muslim and he would use some of our islamic rulings to abuse me and control me mentally. I actually got help from my mother in law who put him in his place. My mother in law is so loving and caring to me. She called him out for his abuse, he didn't like that but realised he was wrong. He changed and became the man I fell for. My counselling was for these issues as well as my postpartum issues..

I feel quite rubbish really, because I love him and see all that he has changed since then.. but i can't tell if he's being manipulative by pressuring me like this or am I just being stubborn. Judging by the comments most people would leave if they were me but it's not an option for me..

He's a fantastic dad, I can't lie. He really does anything and everything to keep dc and me happy. I just have so many concerns.. and I guess I feel afraid to once again address them again.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 30/11/2021 20:50

It sounds like he wants another baby so that you are even more tied to him and he can continue to treat you like crap.

You deserve better.

Kbyodjs · 30/11/2021 20:50

It sounds like he’s pressuring you to have another because he knows that having two young children would make it very hard for you to leave him.

Quartz2208 · 30/11/2021 20:53

@Kbyodjs

It sounds like he’s pressuring you to have another because he knows that having two young children would make it very hard for you to leave him.
This - a second baby will make it so much harder for you to leave him

Which you need to do - would your family be supportive

honeylulu · 30/11/2021 20:54

Just a wild guess but is your first child a girl and he really wants a son?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2021 20:59

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As you have done here.

Do you really love him or are you confusing this with codependency?.

He has not changed at all and you would be better off without him. He was in all likelihood controlling before marriage too but sadly you did not recognise or perhaps even minimised any red flags present.

Wombat69 · 30/11/2021 21:11

So basically being kept barefoot & pregnant?

Original poster
rmummyofone · 30/11/2021 21:24

Haha no, actually he really wanted a girl first. We had a boy, he isn't fussed about the gender of the next baby. Naturally would love a girl though.

OP posts:
Original poster
rmummyofone · 30/11/2021 21:25

I'm not too sure tbh..
probably would be but since they aren't aware of the past it would be a big shock to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
rmummyofone · 30/11/2021 21:29

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As you have done here.

Do you really love him or are you confusing this with codependency?.

He has not changed at all and you would be better off without him. He was in all likelihood controlling before marriage too but sadly you did not recognise or perhaps even minimised any red flags present.

I think you're spot on. In hindsight I didn't see a lot of issues to be red flags. I guess I was young and so in love. I still love him, I do get a lot out of this relationship, I work part time, I spend my own money, I help contribute towards the food shopping but he covers everything else. He takes care of me, whenever I'm unwell, he's a great person to have a laugh with too, it's just a shame those things happened. I guess I'm not truly over them if they keep popping through my mind. I am in a healthier state of mind for my own sanity, not because I'm over it, if that makes sense. I forgave way too fast.. it would be almost awkward to bring this topic up to my family now.
OP posts:
Saysama · 01/12/2021 01:45

OP, you realise that you were asked what you got out of your relationship and all you could come up with was:

  • He pays for some stuff;
  • Takes care of you when you're poorly (and I bet he doesn’t really, if we delve into it); and
  • Is a laugh.

That’s it, is it? That’s the love of your life that you’re going to stick with? A cheating abusive pillock with the bare minimum of prepossessing qualities? Why?

RantyAunty · 01/12/2021 02:56

How old is your husband?

If you're not ready, you're not ready and he'll have to accept it and stop pressuring you.

Pascal80 · 01/12/2021 03:00

He sounds truly horrible and you sound completely lost.

You went to a private school and did A levels but

''...didn't really have a passion for anything to take at degree level". What - nothing at all?

Your life hasn't even started. You had terrible physical injuries with your first birth and your husband is badgering you for another kid and you are 22? He was unfaithful to you when you were 20 and pregnant?

This is not the Middle Ages. You need to find your inner strength and take control of your own life as this man will not, repeat not, be a good long-term prospect for anything resembling ''happiness''. All you will have is drudge and misery, being controlled by a man who believes he is a higher being than you.

2catsandhappy · 01/12/2021 05:13

I am really hoping you have the best contraception. Nothing that can be sabotaged?
Stand firm. Don't be bullied into submission. My ex wore me down after 2 years of nearly daily pressure. I have regrets.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 01/12/2021 10:00

It can often take a few months to get pregnant. You may well get pregnant the first month you start trying but it may also take 2 or three months or even longer. He’s being completely ridiculous starting an argument over wanting the baby to be born in August or September rather than November or over the winter. You can attempt to plan these things but you can’t control this completely. There’s also variation in when babies with the same due date will actually be born- around 5 weeks variation if they’re born at term and more if you include cases of premature birth.