Husband desperately wants another baby but I don't feel ready

[rmummyofone]

Well as the title states, I'm not yet ready.
My little one was completely unplanned the pregnancy was not what I wanted at that time in my life, we were newly married, I was 20, and I wasn't ready but love children and my husband absolutely adores them, so I grew to accept it and ended up enjoying my pregnancy. We both had issues during my pregnancy, he cheated on me, he was talking to other girls online, which took me a long time to forgive and then did it again.. makes me sound like a mug but I loved him and still do, I went for counselling and got through it with him.
For the last year or so (since my little one was around 10 months old) I've been feeling 'pressure' to put it lightly from my husband to TTC. I put it off and made it clear I wasn't ready, I had the nexplanon implant put in which was a nightmare. I had that in from September of 2020 to Feb of this year.
I've told him my reasons being I'm worried he will cheat like he did when I was pregnant the first time and he continues to show he's so sorry about his mistakes. I've told him the recovery after birth was horrible (it really was, a ventouse delivery with a huge episiotomy that broke down) he's reassuring to me that he will help me (he did after my first birth too) but the reality is, I just don't feel ready. I keep saying it's my body, it's my choice. But to me it seems he just wants to have the baby in summer so he can have his time off work and have a nice paternity leave with us, his reasons are genuine but I can't imagine being heavily pregnant about to pop in summer!!! I just don't want that.

He wants to TTC this month (dec) so baby would be born august/sept. But I've made it clear I don't want that, he went quiet, he was upset. He's reacted quite badly before, not respectful of my boundaries, and I know some people out there would love a partner who wants another child so badly but it's almost suffocating he keeps bringing it up everyday he jokes about it, he tries to push it on me so much and it's such a turn off. I've told him this too but he continues to do it. Maybe he thinks it will persuade me?

Idk anyone else really who has a problem like
Mine? I would like to ttc from Feb to have a baby in November of 2022 or anytime after that. To me that feels like a gap between the two I could deal with.

Idk why it's upsetting me, maybe I'm the one in the wrong here? I'd just like some advice really..
forgot to mention I'm 22 now.

That would make me very u easy.
Men don't get desperate for a child they just don't
First thing I thought was an affair then you said he had cheated
My friends other half was practically begging her for another child whilst he was carrying on with another woman. It's sick. Thank god she didn't get pregnant they are divorced now

I'm SO happy to read your update. I love this

what uni to apply to and which driving instructor to pick and which nursery to choose for my little one who is now 2.5. This is how your life should be, not being terrorised by a brutal, selfish, cheating, lying, gas lighting abusive man.

You are so young and have so much life ahead. Be happy.

What an amazing update. Well done you.
All the best for the future. You'll do amazing.

@jay55 @JLQ1020 @layladomino @tunthebloodyalarmoff @Rinatinabina @billy1966 @PoTayToes80 @America12 @AttilaTheMeerkat @honeylulu

Thank you ALL. If I could give you a hug I would. Never did I think this time last year I'd be free. I'm hurting, taking each day as it comes.

Crazy how this type of abuse is so subtle, you don't realise yourself why you're so low and suffering so hard.

Onwards snd upwards from here.

I've enrolled to the freedom programme? Anywhere else I can get support anyone is aware of?

What sort of support do you think you'd find most useful? Financial, mh, domestic abuse?

@Untitledsquatboulder all 3
Mostly mental health as the more days go by the more I'm feeling awful pressing charges and keep
Considering dropping them I don't want to ruin his life. I feel sorry for him. I don't know why. I feel he did everything to better me spiritually so I feel ill be sinful for pressing charges.

My family is adamant I keep pushing for charges to be pressed but I don't know why I feel so sorry for him?

The police provided a number for victim support but can never seem to get through?

I'm so proud of you @rmummyofone so happy to see you're free!

I'm so pleased to see the wonderful support from everyone here. This is mumsnet at its finest.

I left an abusive marriage 5 years ago, best thing I ever did. I have 3 children and we are all living again, rather than existing around him. You can enjoy your life now too.

Sending lots of hugs OP. You've done the most amazing thing for your DC ❤️❤️

Do not drop the charges, you feel sorry for him as you were trauma bonded to this man.

He doesn't deserve your sympathy, where was his for you? Give him what he deserves, in the hope it stops him doing it to someone else.

Feeling sorry for him & guilty about reporting his abuse is a classic symptom or trauma bonding.
www.verywellhealth.com/trauma-bonding-5210779

Please access the MH support you need & deserve OP.
You will heal from this, & it really is best to have his abuse on record, because you are tied to him, however reluctantly, through your child. Having a formal record of his behaviour could be very helpful to you AND YOUR CHILD should he decide he is going to Hoover you back, stalk you, attempt to control you, fight for more access through court etc.

This is not said to worry you - just to urge you to take steps to protect yourself, via official channels.

@tiddlywinks2 thank you so much for responding

No I won't drop them I hope. My family has been supportive and we're the ones who encouraged me to report it.

I do hope even if it doesn't go to court they're in his record? Idk if they would be. Just so that it's logged should this ever happen with someone else he marries or gets to know. You're right.

@tiddlywinks2 I'm so proud of you for leaving.

I hope you're doing much better now without the baggage.
I hope and pray you're happy in your life and you succeed in all you do.

Do you share custody?

@KettrickenSmiled

Thank you so much, the article was really insightful.
Well it makes sense why I feel the way I do. Think I need to get some professional help on getting rid of this bond I have with him.

You do my dear, & there are experts out there who have just the tools you need in order to achieve this.

Well done with your resolve to report.
It's not about punishing him, or even court, let alone conviction.
It's about documenting the facts, because the facts are ALL to your advantage & his loss, should he ever try to play silly buggers with you.

He has no custody. He hasn't seen the kids since I left.

Life is a lot better now. Thankfully.

His DV will be recorded and available to be disclosed through Claire's law, to protect other women.

@KettrickenSmiled hahaha silly buggers!!

I'm more than confident he has absolutely no intention of doing anything to me or for me. I don't think he has anything against me. Just wants me to stop telling people the truth about what broke down the marriage as in our community people all know one another.

It's sad but if he's making things up about me, I deserve to also clarify the truth which is my truth. Not to ruin him. He is seen as someone very religious and respected outside in the community, my intentions are clean.

Reporting is probably best for my sanity too. Don't want to look back and regret dropping charges etc :/
I don't reckon much will be done with
What I've reported esp after reading others cases. Coercive control as well as SA (or sexual coercion) is so hard to prove. He used religion and those are HIS beliefs so he didn't believe he was in the wrong for that. I partly feel the blame on myself too that I'll be sinful.

You say he did everything to 'better you spiritually' but I think that all part of the lie.

Often evil people manipulate religion to their own evil ends. They try to convince you that God too, lacks compassion, kindness, joy and love. All to make you feel they have the right too their cruel actions.

Your ex may be 'religious' in the cultural sense. But its all about image. He sees God as a commodity he can exploit to his own end. Just like he saw you as that. Who knows if he actually believes in God or not. But if he does, it is probably not a God you or I would recognise.

There's good and evil in this world. Evil often disguises itself as good and as doing good, in order to fool us. Your ex does not own God. He does not have monopoly on faith.

Ps: Personally...and I can only speak from a Christian perspective here but...I think Jesus would think your ex was a wanker xD

H*e does not have monopoly on faith.
*
Oh that one hit me hard. You have a beautiful way with words. You seem very very intelligent.
You made me smile cry and laugh all in one message. Thank you.

I do believe now it was all about image but someone on here has made me aware the trauma bond is so very real. It's like I'm a lost pet looking for their owner, he trained me like a dog essentially with positive and negative reinforcement craving for the next fix for the positive.

As I dwell on the relationship I fail to see the last time he told me he loved me and I believed it. I fail to recall the last time I felt he put me and my needs first, I fail to see the last time I felt LOVED. Loved the way I needed to be, I fail to see the last time I remember not looking over my shoulder wondering if he's loyal to me. I fail to see so so so many things.
I felt like an option, like a "choice" not THE choice. Oh it hurts to type this but it's needed.

Last night my parents and I sat down and my mum poured out how much it hurts her I've come home with a child and that I deserved so much better, why you? Why my daughter? Others have done worse and not suffered this much? Her heart breaks for me that I didn't get the future I deserved. It breaks for me and my son too.

My ex wants to be a dad to his son still, I'm ok with that and actually slightly proud that my son will still have his dad around. However, my feelings haven't budged from how hurt I feel how he treated me. I suppose why it's so important I get my own justice by reporting him.

My parents have been supportive to me, they are avoidant in their ways not the emotional type in any way, my dad just sees this as a test in my life, better is to come. I do pray God keeps me protected from
Anything like this again. Life is so short, and I believe in an afterlife, I also believe God has my back.

Please don't feel any guilt. And don't worry about being judged and found lacking. You have done nothing wrong. You are the victim in this situation. A truly spiritual / religious person wouldn't cheat on their wife, repeatedly. They wouldn't lie and gaslight. They wouldn't try to control their wife. They wouldn't abuse them sexually or otherwise. He's built a facade to convince the outside world that he is respectable and a 'good' person. It's all lies. You were a victim of his lies.

Never feel bad about telling the truth. Never feel bad about leaving an abusive man. Never feel bad for doing the right thing by your child.

Please continue with your complaints against him. It's the right and proper and honest thing to do. And it will help protect you and your child from him in the future.

He manipulates so well and I fall for it so easily.

Had it not been for my child I'd have cut all any form of contact even through family.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope it helps us in the future. I just hope nothing pops up in future to affect me.

OP everyone else in here has said what I'd want to say - it is wonderful to read your updates and you have done immensely well to get away from this man, it is so difficult to see the abuse when you are in the relationship and he gaslights you.
I don't know a lot about the phone service this organisation offers, but I have worked with women who found their face to face service very helpful, in conjunction with the freedom project. It can be helpful to have someone to reflect on the issues with who has a full understanding of your faith and belief system.
Depending on what area you live there may be more specific local services available to you also.

www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/page.php?id=104

Wow. I am in awe OP. You have an incredible family, such a great update!

Your son will grow up with your safe knowledge that this is NOT how men treat women. That's one of the greatest things you can do for him

In terms of the trauma bonding, try seeing this as the end of an emotional book. Closer the back cover. Its finished . Now you can write your own book. You'll miss this one. But its done. It's over. You can create something the way YOU want it to. Don't settle for anything less than what YOU want.

I'm Asian but not Muslim myself, however I have seen some incredibly admirable things that the Muslim Women's Network have advocated over the years, especially equal rights and body autonomy and the religious guise that men can wear to justify behaviour that is actually not at all in keeping with Islam itself. Please forgive me if I have misquoted anything here. I do believe there is an immense amount of support you are able to access via them. Faeeza Vaid MBE in particular has appeared as a speaker on a TV programme about coercive control in marriages.

Honestly your update has made my evening. I wish you the absolute very best of luck for amazing future ahead x

@rmummyofone after reading your thread I didn’t realise it was so old, so well done on getting your freedom from this abuser.

As a child from a broken home who’s dad used me as a weapon and who is a narcissist I would seriously consider letting him have access to your son. You do not want his narcissistic and misogynist views passed on to your son.

I can’t see many family judges who would think he deserves parental responsibility. Have the police not informed social services?

@Andypandy799 @ExtraJalapenos @Proteinpudding

Thank you so much guys for your kind words and responses. On my tough days I find myself coming back to this thread to remind myself I'm stronger than I think.

Well done @rmummyofone !!!

@rmummyofone you’ve saved yourself and your child. What a mum. 👏