Husband desperately wants another baby but I don't feel ready

[rmummyofone]

Well as the title states, I'm not yet ready.
My little one was completely unplanned the pregnancy was not what I wanted at that time in my life, we were newly married, I was 20, and I wasn't ready but love children and my husband absolutely adores them, so I grew to accept it and ended up enjoying my pregnancy. We both had issues during my pregnancy, he cheated on me, he was talking to other girls online, which took me a long time to forgive and then did it again.. makes me sound like a mug but I loved him and still do, I went for counselling and got through it with him.
For the last year or so (since my little one was around 10 months old) I've been feeling 'pressure' to put it lightly from my husband to TTC. I put it off and made it clear I wasn't ready, I had the nexplanon implant put in which was a nightmare. I had that in from September of 2020 to Feb of this year.
I've told him my reasons being I'm worried he will cheat like he did when I was pregnant the first time and he continues to show he's so sorry about his mistakes. I've told him the recovery after birth was horrible (it really was, a ventouse delivery with a huge episiotomy that broke down) he's reassuring to me that he will help me (he did after my first birth too) but the reality is, I just don't feel ready. I keep saying it's my body, it's my choice. But to me it seems he just wants to have the baby in summer so he can have his time off work and have a nice paternity leave with us, his reasons are genuine but I can't imagine being heavily pregnant about to pop in summer!!! I just don't want that.

He wants to TTC this month (dec) so baby would be born august/sept. But I've made it clear I don't want that, he went quiet, he was upset. He's reacted quite badly before, not respectful of my boundaries, and I know some people out there would love a partner who wants another child so badly but it's almost suffocating he keeps bringing it up everyday he jokes about it, he tries to push it on me so much and it's such a turn off. I've told him this too but he continues to do it. Maybe he thinks it will persuade me?

Idk anyone else really who has a problem like
Mine? I would like to ttc from Feb to have a baby in November of 2022 or anytime after that. To me that feels like a gap between the two I could deal with.

Idk why it's upsetting me, maybe I'm the one in the wrong here? I'd just like some advice really..
forgot to mention I'm 22 now.

I guess so :(

Well I met him during my final year of studies, he was really pushing me to go to Uni. I guess on the lead up to the wedding he was against it, and slowly pushed me not to go completely, in hindsight he was only listening to me as I was unsure myself and didn't want to really become a nurse anymore. I'm kind of glad I didn't go for that but do wish I went into primary teaching instead, at the time that wasn't what I wanted to do though.

This should've been a red flag but I was so stupid.
I really hate myself and am kicking myself today thinking about all the things I should've seen and I should have advocated for myself more..
I was so young and so stupid.

But why can’t you do these things now? Why is your option to have a baby rather than seek out a career for yourself.

I don't know tbh. I don't know any other women who have a man in their life who is so controlling over when to have another child.
All his friends have had kids young and are so proud their wives are stuck at home with 3 under 3. I can't cope with that and have made that clear I need some breathing space.
My councillor also commented it's strange he keeps pestering you when usually the woman decides. I feel so suffocated it's been well over a year of him pestering me.
He manipulates me by saying "I want a baby with you! That must show you how much I love you!"
He also says when you get married these are joint decisions not single decisions. I wish I had someone in person to turn to but my family love him too much.

It's almost like I want him to cheat again so I have an excuse to leave him for good.

How would I cope :(
My little one is 22months, I'm not entitled to sending him nursery, the university courses require placements in schools, my mother in law works school hours, there's nobody to watch him.
My husband works 8am-4 then again 4:45-7:30

I'm not on any contraception as my mental health was rock bottom with Nexplanon. (Besides condoms which I don't feel are v effective at all)
I've been tracking my cycle since Feb and tbh haven't had sex anyway because I get too anxious I'll fall pregnant.
That's another thing he pressures me and makes me feel like sex is something he deserves. Like I owe it to him? It's a turn off and usually I'll walk away. This is also why I can't stand kissing him. In fear it will lead to an argument over sex.

I'm actually relieved when I get my period, so he won't pester me.

That’s the thing also, if your DH was loving and supportive he would sit with you, together and work out how it’s doable. Childcare isn’t just your responsibility. He should be encouraging you to get a career if that’s what you want to do. Lots of people manage to go to uni whilst having a child, including single parents. Lots of universities have nurseries on site.

Having a baby is a way to keep you at home. You’re not just a vessel. Your opinions, wants and needs matter. And where does it end? Once you’ve had the next baby, then what?

You're right
Just wish I had someone this supportive irl

If he's the good husband you claim he is, tell him you don't want a baby yet. You want to study and train to be a teacher, and once you've built a career teaching you will consider a second baby.

I agree with the others who are saying it's much harder to leave with 2.

This is the 21st century. Either he can support your dreams, get on board with you going to study as a primary teacher, help you figure out childcare and be really proud of his amazing ambitious wife, or he can sling his hook.

If I were you I'd look into how you could make studying work as a single mother and then discuss what you want to do with him, knowing in the back of your mind you have a solid backup plan.

Thank you

This is appalling. Can you access any resources to get away from the abuser?

@NowEvenBetter

This is appalling. Can you access any resources to get away from the abuser?

I'm not too sure what you mean by resources (I'm really sorry if that sounds rude but I have no idea)

I feel so torn with what to do :(

Women’s Aid or similar, agencies who can help you escape the abuser.

So if you said that you don’t want another baby, you want to go to university or do a course so you can have a career, what would he say?

he also says when you get married these are joint decisions not single decisions. I wish I had someone in person to turn to but my family love him too much

Exactly! A joint decision - ie when you are both ready to have a baby. At the moment he is pressuring you despite knowing you aren't ready.

And there is no stature of limitations on leaving someone because they cheated on you. You have realised you can't get over it. Nor should you be expected to. You can separate now and give the reasons as:

He lied and cheated, repeatedly (and while you were pregnant)
He tries to control you
He pressures you in to sex and treats it as something he deserves, not a mutually loving and enjoyable experience for you both
He is pressuring you in to having a child, knowing you aren't ready, that you are mentally scarred from what he did last time, and from the awful physical experience last time.

At your young age you should't be feeling any pressure to have more children yet, and you shouldn't be saddled with a man who mistreats you and doesn't respect you and your feelings and wellbeing.

Start thinking of those dreams again. The world is out there waiting!!

He is scared you will come to your senses & leave him. He wants you to have another baby to tie you to him even more & make it even harder for you to ditch him. Do not have another baby with this douchebag.

All his friends have had kids young and are so proud their wives are stuck at home with 3 under 3.

This makes me feel sick. This isn't love. This is control. Abuse and control.

Please don't waste your life with a man who clearly wants you to be stuck at home just like his friends have pushed their wives to be.

He thinks women are worth less than men or he wouldn't have behaved the way he has done and continues to behave.

You're young, your whole life is ahead of you and you are a whole person not just a wife and mother. He doesn't think that's true - he only sees you as an extension of him, someone who should do as he says and act in whatever way makes him look and feel how he wants to look and feel, even if it's to the detriment of your happiness and mental health.

He's not a good man.

Ignore the poster who said you were thick OP.

He is totally out of order. For a man to push/ coerce a woman into bearing a child when she does not want to is appalling.
Full stop.

He's not going to be pregnant give birth. Say I'd like another soon what do you think. Fine. Chat about the future. How many kids in end etc. Fine. Woman says no no way now. Final answer.

DH really wanted 3. He loves babies. Really 'maternal' is only way to put it. I had pnd bad first terrible second. Said no way can do again. He said fair enough. The end.

You're only 20. So young. You are 100% in the right.

+++ all the other stuff that other posters have said about.

Are your parents close enough to visit? Sounds like they are nice parents :)

You need to talk to them. One or the other first. As they have no idea lead in gently if you can rather than all in one iyswim. Start by saying I need your help and don't have anyway else to talk to, it's about husband name.

If that is something you feel can do. And they want to help once digested. You will be able to talk options to get out with them. IF they say you should think about it it's a big decision etc. Make sure to say. I've been thinking about little else for months and I have decided. It's how to leave I need to get sorted. I have given him chances already.

They won't do that cos mean but if only just hear they are way behind will start from start. Just say really I know what I'm doing it's not fast or impulse I am sure. And move convo on.

I don't know if that helps but good luck.

You are so young. Sooner you get out the better xx

He just sounds like he doesn't actually respect you much. He wants you to be his perfect wife at him while he does whatever he wants. He sounds narcissistic.

Please don't have a baby before you want to. I allowed my ex to wear me down and had my second before I was ready. It really traumatised me and though I wouldn't change anything now (because my second child is lovely), I am left wondering how I got myself into a situation where I let someone else dictate such a massive decision about my body.

Even worse, he then started subtly trying to convince me it had actually been something I wanted. Gaslighting me. It sounds a bit like that could have happened with you wanting to go to university?

I left him because he was controlling and abusive. Brilliant at saying how sorry he was. And then doing the exact same things again. That's not a kind, loving or respectful partner. And it doesn't sound like yours is either.

Please spend a little time each day looking after yourself, you deserve that.

Oh and I should have said - my ex never hit me. That doesn't mean he wasn't abusive though.

Good luck OP xx

OP,
"he cheated on me, he was talking to other girls online, which took me a long time to forgive and then did it again."

Please stay as a 'mum of one', preferably without this abuser.

What was his excuse for cheating on you?

He sounds like a fucking nightmare. He just wants you pregnant again so he can control you more easily.

@Shoxfordian

He sounds abusive He cheated on you and now he’s pressuring you. You’re so young to be wasting your life with this man

This.