Husband desperately wants another baby but I don't feel ready

[rmummyofone]

Well as the title states, I'm not yet ready.
My little one was completely unplanned the pregnancy was not what I wanted at that time in my life, we were newly married, I was 20, and I wasn't ready but love children and my husband absolutely adores them, so I grew to accept it and ended up enjoying my pregnancy. We both had issues during my pregnancy, he cheated on me, he was talking to other girls online, which took me a long time to forgive and then did it again.. makes me sound like a mug but I loved him and still do, I went for counselling and got through it with him.
For the last year or so (since my little one was around 10 months old) I've been feeling 'pressure' to put it lightly from my husband to TTC. I put it off and made it clear I wasn't ready, I had the nexplanon implant put in which was a nightmare. I had that in from September of 2020 to Feb of this year.
I've told him my reasons being I'm worried he will cheat like he did when I was pregnant the first time and he continues to show he's so sorry about his mistakes. I've told him the recovery after birth was horrible (it really was, a ventouse delivery with a huge episiotomy that broke down) he's reassuring to me that he will help me (he did after my first birth too) but the reality is, I just don't feel ready. I keep saying it's my body, it's my choice. But to me it seems he just wants to have the baby in summer so he can have his time off work and have a nice paternity leave with us, his reasons are genuine but I can't imagine being heavily pregnant about to pop in summer!!! I just don't want that.

He wants to TTC this month (dec) so baby would be born august/sept. But I've made it clear I don't want that, he went quiet, he was upset. He's reacted quite badly before, not respectful of my boundaries, and I know some people out there would love a partner who wants another child so badly but it's almost suffocating he keeps bringing it up everyday he jokes about it, he tries to push it on me so much and it's such a turn off. I've told him this too but he continues to do it. Maybe he thinks it will persuade me?

Idk anyone else really who has a problem like
Mine? I would like to ttc from Feb to have a baby in November of 2022 or anytime after that. To me that feels like a gap between the two I could deal with.

Idk why it's upsetting me, maybe I'm the one in the wrong here? I'd just like some advice really..
forgot to mention I'm 22 now.

How was he during the pregnancy when it came to sex? Did he blame the cheating on you being pregnant? Not meeting his sexual needs etc? I'd worry that history would repeat itself and you would feel even more attached to him and less likely to leave.

It's well known that abuse tends to increase during pregnancy. Have a look at the freedom program. It really helped me. My ex never hit me so I felt awful going but all the women were so lovely and agreed that in many respects the emotional abuse was the worst.

@Colourmeclear

How was he during the pregnancy when it came to sex? Did he blame the cheating on you being pregnant? Not meeting his sexual needs etc? I'd worry that history would repeat itself and you would feel even more attached to him and less likely to leave.

It's well known that abuse tends to increase during pregnancy. Have a look at the freedom program. It really helped me. My ex never hit me so I felt awful going but all the women were so lovely and agreed that in many respects the emotional abuse was the worst.

Thank you for this! I'll look into it That's so true.. I'd rather deal with physical than the mental. You're bang on, the thing is sex life in my opinion wasn't any different. Idk he blamed it on how my "personality changed" but honestly.. I was going through so much. A job I wanted he took away from me, I moved to a different town to live with him, I was missing my family! It had only been less than a handful of months being married.

It's still absolutely no excuse to do what he did. I've explained to him that was just me! For anything next time round I could be worse with a toddler to look after too. He doesn't really have much to say about that other than we've moved to a nicer home now, things will be better. Idk if I believe that.

That my
Personality had "changed" I was treating him "badly"

@toomuchlaundry

What was his excuse for cheating on you?

By "badly" I was moody and pushing him away. Ffs my pregnancy nose would make it hard for me to BREATHE near him.

@CheeseMmmm

Ignore the poster who said you were thick OP.

He is totally out of order. For a man to push/ coerce a woman into bearing a child when she does not want to is appalling.
Full stop.

He's not going to be pregnant give birth. Say I'd like another soon what do you think. Fine. Chat about the future. How many kids in end etc. Fine. Woman says no no way now. Final answer.

DH really wanted 3. He loves babies. Really 'maternal' is only way to put it. I had pnd bad first terrible second. Said no way can do again. He said fair enough. The end.

You're only 20. So young. You are 100% in the right.

+++ all the other stuff that other posters have said about.

Are your parents close enough to visit? Sounds like they are nice parents :)

You need to talk to them. One or the other first. As they have no idea lead in gently if you can rather than all in one iyswim. Start by saying I need your help and don't have anyway else to talk to, it's about husband name.

If that is something you feel can do. And they want to help once digested. You will be able to talk options to get out with them. IF they say you should think about it it's a big decision etc. Make sure to say. I've been thinking about little else for months and I have decided. It's how to leave I need to get sorted. I have given him chances already.

They won't do that cos mean but if only just hear they are way behind will start from start. Just say really I know what I'm doing it's not fast or impulse I am sure. And move convo on.

I don't know if that helps but good luck.

You are so young. Sooner you get out the better xx

Thank you! That was like a breath of fresh air.

Sorry but I can't get past the cheating. No I wouldn't stay with this man or have another baby with him ever.

You have all the time in the world! My friend just had her second, and her older one is 9 years old. Their family really works, the older brother is so cute with the baby. But yeah, your husband needs to respect you. Don't give ground.

Please talk to someone about a different form of contraception. There's lots of different ones.

@JSL52

Please talk to someone about a different form of contraception. There's lots of different ones.

I have :( I have other health issues going on at the moment so I really don't want to have an IUD put in either ._.

@Viviennemary

Sorry but I can't get past the cheating. No I wouldn't stay with this man or have another baby with him ever.

I used to say this .. Funnily enough a week before this happened we had a conversation about this. How stupid was I to stay. How stupid am I.

This sounds like coercive control and sexual coercion. I'm really sorry OP. It is an insidious form of psychological and emotional abuse.

I'm far from a suspicious person but it sounds to me that he is using pregnancy to further tie you to him and trap you. How easy would it be for you to leave after another baby or two?

@hahahawhatchalaughinat Hello,

I'm not sure if you're still an active user on mumsnet but I just want to say thank you.

I'm out now. Had I read your comment last year I'd have realised more clearly the type of abuse it was.

I gaslighted myself reading the responses on this thread and I feel incredibly emotional at your response as when I went to the police this is the charge they have named for how he's treated me.

Thank you.

Don't have another baby with someone who doesn't respect the word 'no'. Id think seriously about if staying with someone who trampled your boundaries and cares more about his holidays than about your physical and mental well being too. I mean, that shit isn't normal. A person is supposed to have empathy. Especially for their wife.

Seriously op I would hide the condoms so he can't tamper with them. He seems the sort.

Just caught your update. Glad you got free!

@Pinkbonbon in tears reading your message.

Thank you for empathising. I really felt like I was crazy when I posted this.

That's what those sort do, convince you you are 'crazy' to have your own needs and want them them be respected. So that you will only focus on them and their needs.

So lucky you got out. Good luck with the police stuff.

When I saw this was a zombie thread I was hoping for one with an update from OP. There's so many of these type of threads it's heartbreaking. So so glad you've managed to break away. Hope you have an amazing future with your LO.

Well done for getting out! That's a huge achievement. How are you doing?

OP - I got chills when I read your post because I immediately thought of the old saying about men wanting thier women "barefoot and pregnant" because then they can never get away.

You are kicking yourself now saying that you were young and stupid when you got together, but you are still young. You have so much time left to sort this out and so much life left to live. There is no reason that you cannot get out of this marriage and live how you wish to.

Not sure if PP have suggested a coil/IUD, but a non-hormonal copper coil is a contraceptive solution that he'd not have to know about. Just in case you don't know, a coil is placed inside the uterus by a healthcare professional and can stay in place for up to 5 years. The only indication it is there are the small plastic strings that hang from the cervix, but these can be quite short - I have an IUD and am barely aware of them even though I'm supposed to check they're still there from time to time.

As for another baby, it sounds as though your first pregnancy was ok even if it was a surprise, but the birth and recovery sounds terrible. I am not surprised that you don't want to do it again, and so soon, your fears and anxieties are 100% valid. It is all very well him saying "I will help" but it is not his body that may literally been torn in two. The fact that he is pressuring you despite the literal, physical danger to you is realy upsetting.

Aaaaaaand I have just seen your updates - I stand by everything I said about you being so young and able to live the rest of your life however you see fit.

Good luck to you, OP!

Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

I’m sooooo glad you got out, I’m so glad you realised your feelings counted and I’m so glad your future is brighter than it could have ever been if you stayed in the prison that was your marriage.

@GrumpyPanda thank you so much

@holrosea @Muddledandbefuddled thank you
Honestly it's crazy to think around this time last year I was feeling so overwhelmed stressing over falling pregnant etc. I do wonder if I can use this thread as evidence. I suppose it was almost like a diary entry.

@AgentJohnson thank you so much honestly

I'm doing okay ❤️‍🩹

Trying to get stronger everyday.

Exactly.

You need to be free of him. Don't entrap yourself further.