DH has arranged to spend Christmas with his parents….on his own

[Jisforjuggling]

This might just be the end of us.
The ILs live in a different country and don’t speak English. We stayed with them just before the first lockdown and he has managed to visit twice since (albeit once was for a funeral). We are booked to visit in feb half term. DH wanted to go for NY. I can’t. It’s a day travelling each way to get there and back and I have work commitments that just make it not worth while. I said he could take DC for the last week of the holidays. This would be the first time has has taken the children on his own and he knew I was apprehensive. I don’t trust his manipulative overbearing mother. This was huge for me. DH presents me with the flights he is proposing to take. He has turned this into an 11 day trip which also involves cancelling 2 long-standing holiday plans. I said no. I agreed to 6 days, 7 at a push. He says I’m being unfair and preventing him from seeing his parents. He sent me a text last night saying he has booked to go on his own for a week over Christmas. In 11 years we have never spent Christmas with his family….in his words ‘they don’t really celebrate Christmas’. It’s never even been discussed as an option. I’m considering telling him if he goes through with this we are finished. (Yes, iceberg and tip are valid comments).

@Aderyn21

If “his parents aren't safe and he can't be trusted to stand up to them” for 11 days then the same applies to the 7 days she agreed to and they shouldn’t be going at all.

Plans change and visiting GPs that haven’t been seen for a long time, over Christmas period surely supersedes most plans.

Especially when the DC have never spent any part of the Christmas period with them.

I agree that they shouldn't be going at all. But OP is probably feeling pressured into it.
And no I don't think seeing them supersedes existing plans - I consider it rude to cancel arrangements outside of a real necessity.

@PinkWednesdays

Imagine if this was the other way round - we have spent the past 11 years with DH and his family. This year I want to spend Christmas with my family, but my husband won’t let me. I decided to go ahead and see my family anyway, but now he’s thinking of divorcing me.

Where has OP said her husband wants to take his children to spend Christmas with his family? His proposed trip was after Christmas.

@ILoveYou3000 Ok, replace Christmas with NY, it’s the same principle…

@PinkWednesdays

The OP agreed to them going for 6/7 days. Her husband decided this wasn't long enough and she was preventing him seeing his parent, yet subsequently booked 6 days away.

OP has not stopped them going. And maybe, just maybe she'd like to enjoy some time with her children during the school holidays. Agreeing to 6/7 days is more than reasonable.

^Don’t really celebrate Christmas isn’t the same as not celebrating Christmas.

I’ve never actually been there, so I can only go on what DH says. Christmas Eve is a bigger thing - big meal. On Christmas Day, they have a meal, not hugely fancy, might share one gift. No decorations.^

sounds like a European Christmas. It is always celebrated on Christmas Eve, The 25th is not a particularly special day.

However this does not translate into 'they don't celebrate Christmas.

Some people on here are creating circumstances that don't apply so that they can offer solutions that fit their narrative rather than the reality.

This happens often on here. It is a sign that they have no valid argument against the original issue so they have to change circumstances in order to validate their LTB

How's it going to work, childcare wise? As you only have 4 days off work. Has he offered a suggestion in terms of childcare? Bit strange to priotise his parents over children, for Christmas day!

[quote PinkWednesdays]@Clymene I have - OP said they have holiday plans but then they don’t?[/quote]
I read that as 'plans in the holidays as opposed to a trip away

does he need you permission?

To take the children out of the country? Err, yes.

@LuneyTunes

You want to ostracise him from.his family. You don't like them, you don't ever want you or your kids to see them. It's convenient for you to have excuses not to go. I bet he's ashamed by your hatefulness for his family when you've said yours live close by and you see them regularly. #preparing to be flamed

Blimey!

Talk about making it up as you go along!!

[quote ILoveYou3000]@PinkWednesdays

The OP agreed to them going for 6/7 days. Her husband decided this wasn't long enough and she was preventing him seeing his parent, yet subsequently booked 6 days away.

OP has not stopped them going. And maybe, just maybe she'd like to enjoy some time with her children during the school holidays. Agreeing to 6/7 days is more than reasonable.[/quote]
Agreeing to 6-7 days after 11 years, on a visit to somewhere that is a fair distance away isn’t reasonable at all.

@RedHot22. Nope. DH has made no effort to teach the DC his language. Never speaks to them in it. I, on the other hand, have had lessons, can speak a tiny bit and follow the gist of many conversation. DC1 is teaching herself by duolingo. DH doesn’t engage because he says she is doing it wrong.

Yes @Nanny0gg. They have long-standing plans on two different occasions. Which shouldn't be cancelled as they can go on a shorter trip and are seeing them in a couple of months anyway.

But the OP's husband threw his toys out of the pram at not getting his own way. Which he seems to make a bit of a habit of.

Agreeing to 6-7 days after 11 years, on a visit to somewhere that is a fair distance away isn’t reasonable at all.

They're going again in February, they went two years ago. It's not like this is the only visit in those 11 years. So, yes it's perfectly reasonable. It means everyone gets time together. Her husband and the children get a week with the in-laws, and OP has time to enjoy with her children during the school holidays.

Her husband is the one who's thrown a tantrum and rather than take his children to see his parents for a 6/7 days, he's now going alone for 6 days.

There are an awful lot of people not reading the whole thread.
Just to clarify a few points. Pre covid we went twice a year and ILs came to us once. DH did a separate trip on his own on top of the other 2 trips most years. I have gone on my own with the DC previously. We had a 2 week trip booked for October, which we cancelled due to the high COVID rates in the country. I have had lessons to learn the language. I love the country. We are already booked to go in October.
No, I don’t like his parents, but I have never prevented him or the children seeing them. I have not said he can’t go with the DC. I agreed to a week, I am uncomfortable with him taking them for longer than that.
DH has himself said he doesn’t think our DC would enjoy Christmas in his country.
His parents have been invited to spend Christmas with us multiple times.

There have been some lovely supportive comments and advice - thank you. I’m going to bite my tongue and let him go. He will have to tell the children. Some people have to learn the hard way.

Sorry, already booked to go in February.

@ILoveYou3000

Agreeing to 6-7 days after 11 years, on a visit to somewhere that is a fair distance away isn’t reasonable at all.

They're going again in February, they went two years ago. It's not like this is the only visit in those 11 years. So, yes it's perfectly reasonable. It means everyone gets time together. Her husband and the children get a week with the in-laws, and OP has time to enjoy with her children during the school holidays.

Her husband is the one who's thrown a tantrum and rather than take his children to see his parents for a 6/7 days, he's now going alone for 6 days.

Except we’re not talking about a random visit…we’re talking about the Christmas / New Year period. If my husband threw a tantrum because he didn’t want me to celebrate New Years with my family, I would be doubting my relationship with him, not the other way round.

@PinkWednesdays
If my husband threw a tantrum because he didn’t want me to celebrate New Years with my family, I would be doubting my relationship with him, not the other way round

1. I haven’t thrown a tantrum, I haven’t said anything about the Christmas plans yet.
2. We had an argument because following an agreement that he would take the DC for 6/7 days after Christmas he then changed that to 11 days and expected me to be fine with it. I wasn’t. His response was to text me telling me he had booked to go by himself over Christmas Day.

Except we’re not talking about a random visit…we’re talking about the Christmas / New Year period. If my husband threw a tantrum because he didn’t want me to celebrate New Years with my family, I would be doubting my relationship with him, not the other way round.

You're making stuff up now to fit your own narrative. First if was OP is stopping them spending Christmas together now it's New Year.

OP has not thrown a tantrum or tried to prevent her husband celebrating New Years with his family, celebrating New Years hasn't even been mentioned. She simply said she didn't want them to go for 11 days and offered a compromise. And where has she said the 6/7 days agreed to would not be over the New Year period?

The in-laws appear not to be too concerned with spending the festive period with their grandchildren, having turned down multiple chances to do so.

You're making stuff up now to fit your own narrative. First if was OP is stopping them spending Christmas together now it's New Year

You’re deliberately using my interchange of Christmas and New Year to suit your own narrative…

[quote Jisforjuggling]@PinkWednesdays
If my husband threw a tantrum because he didn’t want me to celebrate New Years with my family, I would be doubting my relationship with him, not the other way round

1. I haven’t thrown a tantrum, I haven’t said anything about the Christmas plans yet.
2. We had an argument because following an agreement that he would take the DC for 6/7 days after Christmas he then changed that to 11 days and expected me to be fine with it. I wasn’t. His response was to text me telling me he had booked to go by himself over Christmas Day.[/quote]

You haven’t explained by 6-7 days is acceptable, but 11 days leave your children at risk?

@Jsku

If they divorce, OP won’t be able to prevent her H from traveling to another country. They can’t move, and that is preventable legally. But there is no requirement for the other parent to agree to travel. So even if the H doesn’t go for 50:50 care - he’ll get a good chunk of time for holidays - and I hope he manages to build his kids relationship with their grandparents, without being controlled by the OP.

It is clear that the OP doesn’t like her in laws. So her side of the story to me at least is isn’t that - her side of the story. It is also quite unlikely that the grandmother is a danger to her kids of 8 & 10.

As to holiday plans that the family had over Xmas that made 11 days travel unacceptable (vs 7 days wing OK) - coming back to years of Xmases spent with her family Vs NO Xmases spent with his family - it’s clear what is more fair.

In the past two years - her H has only seen his family twice. But even that seems to be too much, according to the OP. Despite one of the times being for a funeral.
To me this lack of understanding and empathy would be unacceptable in a partner.

OP - why did you marry your H, knowing that you feel so superior about your country/culture/etc?

I agree with every word of this. Very well said! It's interesting how the usual posters instantly jump on the Husband being unreasonable, unfair, and he should be left because he's stood up for himself this time.

We only have the OP's version of the dynamic within his family. His childhood etc might have been quite healthy and usual for his culture, but the OP clearly doesn't like his family, and the description of his Mother borders on a much deeper dislike. She seems to forget she married a man, her MIL raised ( goodness knows why as she doesn't seem to like him, his family or his country)

Husbands family do celebrate Christmas it seems, but again not in the same way as the OP, so again it's come to the UK and do it her way, or decline. They probably have a quieter, more traditional Christmas without much fuss.

Poor guy hasn't seen his family for years at Christmas, seen them a couple of times in the last couple of years, and one of those occasions was for a funeral. His kids aren't allowed to see his Mum, because the OP doesn't like her and accuses her of being manipulative 😂
So he books to go see his family and he's the baddie?

All the Mummy man hating Martyrs are out with the pitchforks saying he's the problem and he should be ashamed leaving his family at Christmas. I can only think they're all of the same mind.

He'd be better off if the OP did do as has been suggested and divorced him. He'd be able to take his kids to see his family and relax, beats being dictated to all the time that's for sure.

You’re deliberately using my interchange of Christmas and New Year to suit your own narrative…

Nope. I'm basing my opinion on the actual facts given by the OP.

You attempted to say she was preventing her husband from taking the children to visit his family over Christmas for the first time in 11 years, when that was never the plan. When this was pointed out to you, you decided they were being prevented from spending New Year together. They weren't.

The OP isn't preventing anything. She agreed to the children going, her husband moved the goalposts then threw a tantrum when the OP disagreed with his new plan which he has decided upon unilaterally.

The OP isn't preventing anything. She agreed to the children going, her husband moved the goalposts then threw a tantrum when the OP disagreed with his new plan which he has decided upon unilaterally

Except she is. The visit has to be on her terms, and when she dictates. I can completely understand why, after years of OP dictating when they visit and see his family, that he has decided he has had enough.

I also suggest you read the OP yourself…her husband wanted to take the children for New Years. So I have taken the facts into account…

OP is also leaving out crucial information…namely what are these long standing holiday plans that mean the 4 extra days just cannot happen.

I really wish they'd bring back comprehension lessons in school.