Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Guys - this is not about dating, but I'm all on my own WFH today and have nobody to run this by and this thread is full of clever articulate people, and I see you as my support network I think, so I just wonder if anyone has any clever suggestions.

My alternative accommodation is unavailable Jan + Feb so I have to share house with ex or find something else. So for almost two weeks in January I am house sitting, which I have mentioned here before.

Just mentioned it to my friend who lives nearby and she said oh, I can go away with my bf for a weekend in February if you want to stay in my house and look after my dog? Which is kind - although also helps her out as she's been talking about getting away with him and I know dog-care is always an issue. Problem is - her house is really cluttered and I'm not very good with clutter or mess. I can't really relax, I hate not having a clean surface to put something on, etc. Also, I don't really like her dog... I know there are lots of pug lovers on here, but I'm just not really a pug person. I love big chilled out dogs - this one is jumpy and yappy and a bit mad and doesn't seem to know how to relax. But I can't really tell her that I don't like her house or her dog, can I?! And she is a good friend and I love her to bits and it would be hurtful because nobody wants to hear that. So I should just be the bigger person, say thank you very much and suck it up so she can go away for the weekend, shouldn't I? Help!

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Just say you can’t manage that weekend for some dull reason - you’ll be a lot more relaxed when you’ve done it.

You don’t want potential weekend in hell hanging over you. If you let her know sooner she can adjust plans accordingly.

@WeWantTheFinestWines that's too funny, you could be describing my flat and my puglet!...No matter how clean/tidy i am 'stuff' finds me and my clean surfaces!
But you're right i wouldn't like for someone to tell me any of those things, so best to go with a plausible 'excuse' that is attached to a truth given you don't want to upset your friend. Can you say you're already 'double-booked' to house-sit elsewhere? Or 'kids committment' perhaps...

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Threadie meet is that month so maybe you can say you don’t want to be packing and going away twice in one month? Or Something about helping out children with particular project that month

Agree with @Naimee87 as long as you’re not too specific and don’t flake at the last minute no-one minds if you can’t do things.

@WeWantTheFinestWines going against the grain here, but I'd do for one weekend only. And not get too involved in doing it regularly, but it sounds like you might need the break from the ex. I remember those early days trying to get away from each other!

DM me and we can get the ball rolling on my house sitting 😁

Thank you @SpringlikeBunk and @Naimee87 - we're all different and I would never judge the way anybody lives, I just know what works for me. And I often find that people in tidy homes (me) are a bit dull (not me I think but who knows) and people who are a bit less organised are often a lot more fun. But we can't help who we are and what we like.

She hasn't suggested an actual weekend - I think she's leaving it up to me to suggest when I am free so she can go away. So I can't plead busyness. Might have to though - two weekends are already taken up with half term activities with the DC.

On a separate issue - @Isitreallyme177, I have been known to refer to young kids being sent to boarding school as child abuse. I feel that strongly about the harm it does. I am not surprised it has scarred you and hope you can find support.

Turns out I've only got one free weekend in February! So I've told her that and said don't worry if that doesn't fit with her plans. Thanks - it helped to air this.

Ugh. Hours of admin today and still haven't achieved the important things of getting the mortgage and deeds in my name for this house. Everything is so slow - PCR booking, doctors appointments, vaccine booster, creating a new calendar for me and my ex (for him to ignore no doubt)

PS time for a new thread?

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Turns out I've only got one free weekend in February! So I've told her that and said don't worry if that doesn't fit with her plans. Thanks - it helped to air this.

That solves that one 🙂

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4421306-Dating-Thread-220-where-we-forget-about-pensions-and-get-back-to-dating?watched=1

I've created a new thread - see you over there!

@WeWantTheFinestWines

I've created a new thread - see you over there!

Thank you! I've gone over

@WeWantTheFinestWines yeah some of the stuff we had as punishment would be classed as abuse now. But it is becoming more common now to actually admit what it does to children and how it affects them in adult life. I think the worse thing for me was I was sent there as my Dad was posted to a new posting every two years so I would have had to keep changing schools. Only it was his last posting and he stayed for 6 years so I could have stayed at home after all.

[quote Isitreallyme177]@WeWantTheFinestWines yeah some of the stuff we had as punishment would be classed as abuse now. But it is becoming more common now to actually admit what it does to children and how it affects them in adult life. I think the worse thing for me was I was sent there as my Dad was posted to a new posting every two years so I would have had to keep changing schools. Only it was his last posting and he stayed for 6 years so I could have stayed at home after all.[/quote]
That's so sad 😪

[quote Naimee87]@InABetterPlaceNow i hope it's fireworks and sparklers when it happens. First time with magnet-man was amazing and has stayed that way hence why he has the name he does. I like the sound of the video call, i think this does suggest interest a level higher than messages/voice notes. Sounds all good to me! Yay![/quote]
I just hope my head doesn't get in the way!! Time will tell so I'm just going to go in with no expectations. He's very keen and confident 😅 I have to remind myself that though it's been a while... I do know what I'm doing! He also has a fair idea on my past trauma, no details but enough to get why things are tricky and has been brilliant about it. Said if at any point I need to stop, we stop, and there's no issues. He's not in a rush. And I actually believe him!! He said he thinks I probably just need someone I can trust so I can get back to my old self. That would honestly be nice...

He's been dropping stuff in that feels like he's looking at things long term. There's a hobby that needs a "leader" he is good at doing that he knows I want to do with my girls. Just casually dropped in last night that when it gets to that point he's happy to lead it for us all and have some suggestions on how it would work. He's smart. Clearly in no rush to meet my kids but also would have some ideas on icebreakers as and when it happens. Swoon.

There's just one thing that's now bugging me (I'm going to have to get used to the internal rollercoaster!). Now I'm back to being secure that he's not just going to run away (esp if I do go at the weekend), I'm back to "red flag" watch...

I'll post a separate post on this... as could be a good general debate...

So as per my previous post, I have a question for you all... how self confident / borderline arrogant is a problem? 😅

Mr Tux is very self assured. I have no doubts it's one of the reasons I'm attracted to him, I need to internalise some of that attitude myself. However, he also seems open to discuss and debate and say sorry if he's wrong.

My ex was arrogant but it was a load of crap honesty. It was all complete bullshit he just made it sound like he knew what he was talking about. With Mr Tux, though he's absolutely confident... he's also not wrong. I've mentioned how smart he is and while it sounds arrogant, I can't pick fault in what he's saying. I know he also wants me to call him if needed, last time he thanked me for the perspective and said he'll carry that forward, and when a similar topic came up yesterday I could tell he bore that in mind when discussing.

It's bordered on him being sure on what I'm thinking / feeling as he's good at reading body language. This then triggers me. I tend to shut down and people please even if it's not the case.

Do you think I call him on it and use it as a lesson in sticking up for myself? Or should I run / just leave it and not try to change him?

@InABetterPlaceNow

So as per my previous post, I have a question for you all... how self confident / borderline arrogant is a problem? 😅

Mr Tux is very self assured. I have no doubts it's one of the reasons I'm attracted to him, I need to internalise some of that attitude myself. However, he also seems open to discuss and debate and say sorry if he's wrong.

My ex was arrogant but it was a load of crap honesty. It was all complete bullshit he just made it sound like he knew what he was talking about. With Mr Tux, though he's absolutely confident... he's also not wrong. I've mentioned how smart he is and while it sounds arrogant, I can't pick fault in what he's saying. I know he also wants me to call him if needed, last time he thanked me for the perspective and said he'll carry that forward, and when a similar topic came up yesterday I could tell he bore that in mind when discussing.

It's bordered on him being sure on what I'm thinking / feeling as he's good at reading body language. This then triggers me. I tend to shut down and people please even if it's not the case.

Do you think I call him on it and use it as a lesson in sticking up for myself? Or should I run / just leave it and not try to change him?

We are on the new thread

Come join 🤗

Hi all - thanks for all your greetings and responses last week. Hope all your dating lives are going well. I'm utterly paralysed with terror over my divorce and the nasty lawyers my ex has employed, stimied by the rapid appearance of Christmas and the return of my kids from Uni/Europe which is throwing a spanner in the works regarding Mr G (as they don't want him here constantly and I don't feel I can just 'summon' him when they are away then throw him out again when they're home - there needs to be a compromise). Also I'm working right up until Xmas Eve which is not ideal!

Thanks also for all the advice around finances - and no, I am not going to give any evidence of being tied to Mr G financially until all this divorce crap is over and done with - and am indeed very nervous of being tied to anyone financially full stop (apart from a joint account for 'fun' things).

I really want to run away at the moment. It would feel SO good just to leave my life altogether and walk out of it and never look back. And that is WITH a lovely partner at home. Dating is one thing but the fallout of a bitter marriage to a malignant narcissist is something else. Mr G and I both have such awful toxic and spiteful exes, plus 4 teen/adult kids between us and busy work lives and I sometimes wonder if we will ever be free just to be together.

I hope the new wave of Covid isn't ruining things for you all. It is SO hard to contemplate going back to dreadful dates tramping round parks in the cold with a crappy cup of takeaway coffee. Am keeping everything crossed for you all that your dates continue well into the festive season

@UtterSocks We're on a new thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4421306-Dating-Thread-220-where-we-forget-about-pensions-and-get-back-to-dating?watched=1