Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

(Eek - did you get the right one, @Onesmallstep67 ? 😷😬🤦🏽‍♀️😉)

@Naimee87 - good luck for your test!

@FabulousMrFifty - I'm looking at that coffee for some special meaning, like the foam is a picture of ....... something!

@Isitreallyme177 - hope nothing is too sore tomorrow!

@Naimee87
Good luck for today ......... the Yorkie Bar is primed and ready for you

@Isitreallyme177
Hope the knee is better, I'll be thinking of you and that nasty PT on a bums tums legs and god knows what else mission whilst I'm in the drive thru queue at Costa

Good morning to everyone else

@VanGoghsDog
That was my attempt at Latte Art, was supposed to be a tulip, looks more like a drunk Sea Horse.

Hope it all goes/went well @Naimee87! (You’re probably doing it right now knowing Switzerland 😆)

I have my weekend coming up this weekend with my iron and feel as though we need to “discuss things”. I read back over our early messages on the app the other day and we are doing exactly the things I said I wanted - having fun, great sex, adventures, friendship, weekends away, dining etc. We have a good connection and speak regularly. He is consistent and respectful and there’s a lot of commonality re interests. I think we both think the other is a good catch.

However as mentioned before he has flagged fidelity/monogamy issues. We have not yet had the “let’s be exclusive / what do we consider to be exclusive?” chat as it’s been early days. What we have both been doing is studiously ignoring that subject as I think we both suspect it will put an end to things. He’s not a player, as far as I can tell, and eg disabled his profile on the app after we met.. unlike previous irons I’ve had this is not a case of sweet shop mentality. Just writing this all down will help I think - I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for although I guess what I’m not looking for is an open relationship and that’s something I’m clear on. Really have got to put my big girl pants on and find a time this weekend to have The Chat!

thanks @VanGoghsDog and @StartingAgain6369 I think he read my mind as there were no squats or lunges and it was chest and shoulder day.

Glad to hear @Isitreallyme177 I've joined my new gym and it's been so great getting back to things. Is your coffee with MrCricket soon? How're you feeling about things?

@Naimee87 will they tell you today if you passed? 🍀

@ibelieveinmirrorballs you know that the only way round this is to have the conversation. It's not really solvable without a face to face chat. If you want monogamy and commitment listen and observe what he's saying about it. I don't think I'd want to risk my heart if you were really going for different things. Also, I'm not sure if you went into OLD looking for dates or for a partner. They're different things and only you can tell what you're looking for and if you've met someone, got feels so you're projecting a lot of 'what your ideal situation would look like and hoping he'll fit this scenario'. Be careful with this one, mainly for your own well-being. Think about what your boundaries are and see if this really works for you.

So MrPoet was really good company. We've been chatting for weeks and the two times we tried to get together he'd been a bit iffy about it so I was about to write him off. He texted me when I was in the gym yesterday and I knew my daughter wasn't home last night so I agreed to a drink. Very good conversation and lots of commonality in terms of hobbies etc. He's very clear about what he wants and what he can offer. It felt so refreshing after MrA and MrBeau being so dithery. Only slight fly in the ointment, after all our discussions about PE, DE, ED @VanGoghsDog @FabulousMrFifty he's offering something very similar to MrWG. This is down to health issues and medication (I think but actually thats the part he wasn't clear on). All about my pleasure, he's not interested in his at all and would like to spend time doing our hobbies together and then on my pleasure. It all sounds very attractive on paper, he's been much more of a grown up about his needs than MrA and MrBeau, in fact more transparent than anyone else I've dated recently. So that in itself is attractive. But I'm not sure he could be my 'main' person. Anyway we had a lovely time and he is indeed a very generous lover without offering the full Monty, as it were.

I'm also feeling the financial gap issues again. MrBeau said that the depressive episode he had was triggered by me being 'so sorted' and nicely set up. Other than MrA, the financial disparity has been an issue in every thing I've had even MrBear who was a high earner, he had no pension or any investments etc. MrPoet brought it up last night. Not awkwardly but it is a thing. I don't feel particularly rich but I know I'm comfortable and I'm maybe different in that way from whom they usually date. But I run a mile from 'suits' these days so unless I change my dating pattern this is just going to be a thing.

@BelladiMamma thanks I'm enjoying the sessions which is good and every Tuesday the rather hot PT is doing his workout at the time I'm there so always nice eye candy but also a distraction and also far too young for me (he's only 28/29). How's the new gym? Does it have a sauna etc?

I was supposed to be seeing Mr Cricket this week yes, but I've not heard anything from him since Saturday. I messaged him on Sunday to arrange a day but haven't heard anything so I messaged this morning to see if still wants to "saying I know he is busy and I don't want to be a pain in the arse blah blah blah. Adding at this rate it will be next year before we do. " Then I asked him if he had decided on the secondment to Ireland yet, he has been talking about it for months. Not much more I can do now other than wait, he always messages eventually.

[quote StartingAgain6369]@InABetterPlaceNow
Your more than likely coming down after a big adrenaline rush regarding the date and the drama with the kids. The date sounds really positive, don't over think, enjoy your up coming nights

@Isitreallyme177
You're having one of those days, tuck your self up in bed. Hope you haven't hurt your knee too badly[/quote]
Thank you! I think this was part of it for sure.

Now I've been able to reflect a bit, honestly I think my "problem" is the lack of love bombing. I knew it was an issue with me, as he's definitely not doing anything wrong.

Im just so used to every relationship I've been in starting with love bombing I think. While I spent so much time looking for red flags and being prepared to run a mile I'd love bombing started, I never stopped to consider how I might feel without it! And it's just a very uncomfortable space for me. While it's a really positive sign he's NOT doing it, it's making me feel like he's maybe not interested despite the fact we're already setting up the next date 🙄 (round his...)

Hoping I can just sit with the feeling, remind myself this is what "normal" relationships start off like, means I'm not being trapped and can consider if it's what I want etc etc. All great things. So why does it feel so uncomfortable!!

I'm comfortable, a higher earner, have pension/s (not as much as I would like but c£300k), investments, savings, no mortgage.

I don't care what men I date have as long as they can pay their share on dates and I'm not restricted on what we can do due to their income. But I'm more a Wagamama than a Ritz girl so it shouldn't be much of an issue really.

I'd be happy to fund "extra" stuff, like pay for the hotel for a holiday or something.

Since I'm never going to live with anyone I won't be sharing finances and am not bothered about their pension really.

I do prefer financial literacy in my men though. Those who have never saved, don't think about pension, whine that their exes got all the money, have been unambitious through life, not considered their longer term housing needs etc, turn me off!

Returned from my weekend away, hope everyone is doing well.

MrT who I have been on a couple of dates with picked me up from the station and dropped me home which was sweet. No idea what is going on there though. I think he will become a good friend.

Have a first date on Friday which i am very much looking forward to, I'm hopeful this could be what I am looking for.

Keeping off the apps and just focusing on me for now. Getting back into fitness, eating well, cutting down on the drinking. I think that is more what I need right now and I'll just see how things go with my date. I just want someone I can spend my weekends with and go on adventures and who I know has my back

@BelladiMamma @VanGoghsDog
Not sure how I would feel about that, to reverse it, if I met a woman who didn’t/ couldn’t have any kind of PIV at all (I don’t suffer from ED or PE currently), I would have to think about that?

As for money, not sure what qualifies as “higher earned” I earn > 50k have, savings, pension etc (not 300k but not far off), plus investments, no mortgage etc, so I’m comfortable, but certainly not rich in any way.

So tend to the one doing the majority of the paying…

I think of higher rate tax payers as being higher earners really. So, over £50k.

I think average salary is c£30k now, so technically more than that is high.

I can't cope with no PIV sex (if I were in a long term relationship which was moving and partner became unable to do it, that would be different I think, so I mean in the situation I am in currently). Frankly, I need a good rogering. My dating will be rebooted in the new year.

Crikey, you lot are loaded! Well deserved and worked hard for, no doubt. I knew what I was getting into when I chose my 'career' though, and working for the NHS is not a great money making scheme. And my ex is even worse off so I spent years supporting him. I'm at peace with my life choices though, and I mostly enjoy my work so that makes me very lucky.

Naimee good luck, I'm sure it went swimmingly!

isitreally Mr Cricket seems to be a rubbish friend. Could you not knock it on the head as he appears to provide endless flakiness?

@WeWantTheFinestWines I don't know what it is as most of my friends are bloody flaky. My best friend is the worst, she couldn't even manage to cancel my birthday, I had to do it. Maybe it's me that is the problem as I'm the common denominator in all the flakiness.

But nothing beats the NHS pension @WeWantTheFinestWines!

My investments won't come near to what you'll get. On £300k I anticipate £9k pa. I'm hoping to get it up to £400k/£12k.

Of course, I can also draw the actual money down, but as I do that the returns reduce. So, if I take £20k plus the £9k in the first year, the next year I won't get £9k because my return will only be on £280k. And so on.

Obviously this is all about planning, knowing how much you want or need and at what age. Weighting the income early while you're still active but ensuring some residue for future care needs.

State pension kicking in at c£9k will then mean that drawdown can be reduced.

I do have a small final salary pension that will pay c£4k pa when I'm 60, so drawdown, if I've started it, can reduce a bit at that point too.

I'd be pretty unimpressed by a man in his fifties who hadn't started to think about this sort of stuff though!

If I had spent my whole working life in the NHS, I would have a pretty good pension. Unfortunately I didn't see the light until my late 20s when I went back to Uni to change direction. So didn't join the NHS until I was 39. And then had 2 mat leaves. I'll just have to console myself with the fact that I had a lot of fun before I went into healthcare, travelled and met famous people through work, and that I own half a (mortgaged) house. And if I can afford to have a dog when I retire I'll be so happy.

isitreally I had a flaky friend. She was a top bird and my London gig buddy so I didn't want to lose her, so I learned to check and double check that she would stick to our arrangements, which she luckily didn't mind. She's still a firm friend. If it had been a BF though, I'm sure that would have made him run a mile. Only you know what you will put up with.

Sorry, late 30s, obvs. I'm not that slow a learner!

@VanGoghsDog
Wow you have really planned this out, I’m a bit different you, I’ve got about 180k in private/work, pensions plus another 178k value in a final salary, so about 360k in value as such, but as you say, that has to “buy” a pension as such. ( have just checked), I suppose if I sold the house, car, bikes, cashed my pensions, savings, shares etc I’ve have about 670 ish k, but nowhere to live

@WeWantTheFinestWines my mum was NHS & my Dad was Air Force, both retired in their 50’s with Huge pensions never worked again, my BIL was civil service, took early retirement, big lump sum, big pension, sorted for life.

Interestingly I always think a “high earner” is 100k +, so would consider myself as no more than average, middle age, middle class, middle earth

Frankly, I need a good rogering.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I can join you in merely having a very average salary! Thanks for all you do in the NHS.

My ex is a high earner so I’m lucky in that way as we will be splitting our assets. I have a feeling MrBeard earns a lot more than me but don’t want him to think I’m a gold digger so trying to split everything fairly when we go out.

And I agree vangogh if you're not thinking about this stuff in your 50s, that's a problem.

I must be the most easily pleased person on this thread because I seem to have landed up with a man who has no money, an old car and currently ED 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@VanGoghsDog
Wow you have really planned this out, I’m a bit different you, I’ve got about 180k in private/work, pensions plus another 178k value in a final salary, so about 360k in value as such, but as you say, that has to “buy” a pension as such. ( have just checked), I suppose if I sold the house, car, bikes, cashed my pensions, savings, shares etc I’ve have about 670 ish k, but nowhere to live

@WeWantTheFinestWines my mum was NHS & my Dad was Air Force, both retired in their 50’s with Huge pensions never worked again, my BIL was civil service, took early retirement, big lump sum, big pension, sorted for life.

Interestingly I always think a “high earner” is 100k +, so would consider myself as no more than average, middle age, middle class, middle earth

Frankly, I need a good rogering.

@SpringlikeBunk

(Eek - did you get the right one, *@Onesmallstep67* ? 😷😬🤦🏽‍♀️😉)

Yeah I think I'll leave this one for you @FabulousMrFifty 😄

@Onesmallstep67 Sorry I haven't disclosed, while it's been on and off, we are still meeting every now and then. It feels quite a brittle relationship due to the time and distance gaps and I think it's kind of inevitable that one of these things will prove too much. But for the time being it seems we are both going with the somewhat erratic flow.