Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@WeWantTheFinestWines it's hard as we get on really well, and he has been a great support. Reading back at the messages from over the past 7 months he seems to genuinely want to stay friends(people I've shown his messages to say that too) and even when he told me about his new relationship it was just like you would with a friend. I always ask him about his cricket and I love hearing about it as he talks about it with so much passion. I just think this time of year is a busy time and add his new relationship. He did say he hadn't stopped last week. It was like old times last week with our messages and comparing office views, even when I drunk messaged him on Friday and had to rewrite half the message🙈🤦‍♀️.

As for my best friend I love her to bits, she was great after Computer Geek she is just a bit flakey.

And I'll join you in the average salary but that's what I get for working in higher education, admin staff get paid shit compared to academics.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@VanGoghsDog
Wow you have really planned this out, I’m a bit different you, I’ve got about 180k in private/work, pensions plus another 178k value in a final salary, so about 360k in value as such, but as you say, that has to “buy” a pension as such. ( have just checked), I suppose if I sold the house, car, bikes, cashed my pensions, savings, shares etc I’ve have about 670 ish k, but nowhere to live

@WeWantTheFinestWines my mum was NHS & my Dad was Air Force, both retired in their 50’s with Huge pensions never worked again, my BIL was civil service, took early retirement, big lump sum, big pension, sorted for life.

Interestingly I always think a “high earner” is 100k +, so would consider myself as no more than average, middle age, middle class, middle earth

Frankly, I need a good rogering.

@Onesmallstep67

I must be the most easily pleased person on this thread because I seem to have landed up with a man who has no money, an old car and currently ED 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Keeping it real!

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@VanGoghsDog
Wow you have really planned this out, I’m a bit different you, I’ve got about 180k in private/work, pensions plus another 178k value in a final salary, so about 360k in value as such, but as you say, that has to “buy” a pension as such. ( have just checked), I suppose if I sold the house, car, bikes, cashed my pensions, savings, shares etc I’ve have about 670 ish k, but nowhere to live

@WeWantTheFinestWines my mum was NHS & my Dad was Air Force, both retired in their 50’s with Huge pensions never worked again, my BIL was civil service, took early retirement, big lump sum, big pension, sorted for life.

Interestingly I always think a “high earner” is 100k +, so would consider myself as no more than average, middle age, middle class, middle earth

Frankly, I need a good rogering. £50k is middling :)

I don't know what the "value" of my final salary pension is, I think they tried to buy it out about two years ago for around £100k, so that's the cash value I guess. I didn't take them up on it, in fact I reported them to the pension regulator for trying the hard sell on removing FS benefits and I heard via an odd grapevine source that they had got into trouble for it.

You can't "cash in" FS pensions though. You can turn money purchase pensions to cash within the pension but drawing it out is another matter. I balance mine with non pension investments so I can utilize tax efficiency.

Pensions are one of my special interests!

I doubt girls think they need a good rogering, considering a girl is a female under 18. But women most certainly do. Probably not all of them. Maybe not even many. But I definitely do and I'm a woman. :)

Whenever I look at my pension I feel like I've been given a good rogering.

@Onesmallstep67

I must be the most easily pleased person on this thread because I seem to have landed up with a man who has no money, an old car and currently ED 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I love a guy with an old car. See, to me that says thrifty and with the right priorities. Plus it's environmentally friendly to run cars as long as possible. My last car did 220k miles. I only binned it because the door mechanism failed, and the heating and air conditioning didn't work, and the doors leaked water into the foot well (which froze in winter due to no heating, and turned to steam in summer), and the wing mirrors were mastic-ed in place so didn't tilt etc, abd stuck onto the car body with gaffer tape, abd one of the lights was kept waterproof by clear gaffer tape, and the rear windscreen washer poured water into the boot, and the seats didn't move......other than that, it was fine! It was the door mechanism that was the straw though.

Intend to run the new one similarly.

Yikes, feel like a proper shoeing from @VanGoghsDog.
The FS value was for a transfer as the scheme is was closed to new people almost 10 years ago (I was probably one of the last), and I’m worried it might run out of funds

I’ll go and sit in corner for a while

@HairyArsedMan / @SpringlikeBunk. Sorry I missed what ever that comment was.

So, financially I'm in @VanGoghsDog territory with some upside depending on some investments made whilst married. Otherwise my earnings + settlement give me about £50k a year. Pensions etc same as VGDog and also house with small loan to value so that can go in the pot for downsizing at a later date.

My issue is, once guys have seen my house or I'm more open about my lifestyle (such as it is) there's a definite reset. Some to attempted cocklodger status (those days are now well and truly over I think), some to slightly on the back foot to various other reactions eg 'I feel intimidated / inadequate / you live in a mansion I'm never inviting you to mine'. Even the more sorted blokes just go weird for a bit. The obvious response is not to invite anyone here ever, but I also don't think that's sustainable. Add to that the complication that I run a mile from anyone in a suit or who works in the same profession as me or my ex and well ... it's going to continue to be an emotional not just a practical / financial one.

As for a good rogering - yes in a longer term thing this is a must. I'm not going to get that from MrPoet so I need to make sure that he understands I'm not going to throw my lot in with him. He can be FWB number 3. I just need 1 & 2 now.

Let's see. I've got date zeros with MrBet and MrDublin later on this week. Hopefully they're as transparent as MrPoet and can offer something different too.

@HairyArsedMan

Whenever I look at my pension I feel like I've been given a good rogering.

😂😂😂 brilliant! Though sorry you feel that way, obvs.

Money is a big issue between me and Mr GN. I’m doing ok I think, he has been very passive about financial planning to age 50 but is now employed by HMG so will get a good pension. It’s just that he’s tight, really tight. So we don’t go out any more as I won’t fund it. We eat food from Lidl each night he’s here, watch TV, go to bed and have good sex. As a 3 or 4 night a week thing, this is perfect TBH. But there’s no way it can progress further as our priorities and attitude towards money and quality leisure time are so different. Ho hum

Sorry for disappearing for a bit everyone, it's been super busy at work!

This is a fascinating chat re money. Everyone seems loaded!

I've currently only got about £60k in a pension as I didn't put any in when I was saving for a deposit for my house (I'm freelance). I have probs about £70k equity in my house at the moment, in London, which I guess will increase a bit. I have just started a monthly £900 deposit into my pension to catch up (which would give me about £390k on retirement with state pension)

Then I have about maybe £50k in savings otherwise, but i'm keeping that aside for potential baby in the future.

As I'm freelance my earnings go up and down but on average I can afford to put the £900 into my pension and then maybe £1k aside a month, plus pay my mortgage.

I've got no idea if that is good or bad or not!

@VanGoghsDog @Onesmallstep67 totally agree on old cars. It would really put me off if someone was a) into cars and b) had a flashy one. Like, really put me off (but then I work in sustainability so I am stronger than your average person on this). There's something I find very tacky about the whole new car thing as well (electric is okay)

You see I like cars, well sports cars in fact always have done. I mean I want McLaren but I don't care much for BMWs, Porsche or the like. I drive a 9 year old fiesta though.

To be fair I don't drive. If I did I'd probably all of a sudden be a petrolhead!

Hey all 👋 checking in from France! Really lovely seeing father, though he isn’t very mobile and struggles to walk.
There was a nice guy on the flight on the way over.. wondering if he’ll be on my return one!
Hope everyone’s having a good week 💙🤍❤️

@StartingAgain33

Sorry for disappearing for a bit everyone, it's been super busy at work!

This is a fascinating chat re money. Everyone seems loaded!

I've currently only got about £60k in a pension as I didn't put any in when I was saving for a deposit for my house (I'm freelance). I have probs about £70k equity in my house at the moment, in London, which I guess will increase a bit. I have just started a monthly £900 deposit into my pension to catch up (which would give me about £390k on retirement with state pension)

Then I have about maybe £50k in savings otherwise, but i'm keeping that aside for potential baby in the future.

As I'm freelance my earnings go up and down but on average I can afford to put the £900 into my pension and then maybe £1k aside a month, plus pay my mortgage.

I've got no idea if that is good or bad or not!

I was always aiming for £500k in a combination of pension and investments.

But, I am 53, never married, no kids. No fancy holidays (I mean, I do go on holiday but I don't spend ten grand on a trip to Maui for four people), no new cars, I like clothes but never buy high end. Hobby is walking so I do buy technical gear. And I spend £800 every year or so on a new phone but as well as my full time job I do consultancy via my own Ltd co so I buy that from there.

Paid off my mortgage aged fifty. Had mortgage and savings parity at forty five.

But, again, modest house really. OK, it's three bed, but it's a terrace, fairly small (enough for one person!), not a massively expensive area of the country but room to downsize later if I need to.

I'm currently putting £3k pm from my salary into pension (that includes my employer contribution, but I do put a very high percentage of my salary), plus about £2k pa of my own money and £5k from the company (pa). And saving £1k pm.

I do short term contracts so I do have times I'm not earning and that all stops for a while. Depending on the tax situation I can take dividends from the company account in the quiet times.

I've worked hard to get here, I did a law degree with the OU while working, took seven years and cost around twelve grand. But it's been worth it as I didn't have a degree and so many jobs expect them. And years ago I did my professional qualifications while working too.

So, back on topic - why can't I find a boyfriend!!???

@StartingAgain33

Sorry for disappearing for a bit everyone, it's been super busy at work!

This is a fascinating chat re money. Everyone seems loaded!

I've currently only got about £60k in a pension as I didn't put any in when I was saving for a deposit for my house (I'm freelance). I have probs about £70k equity in my house at the moment, in London, which I guess will increase a bit. I have just started a monthly £900 deposit into my pension to catch up (which would give me about £390k on retirement with state pension)

Then I have about maybe £50k in savings otherwise, but i'm keeping that aside for potential baby in the future.

As I'm freelance my earnings go up and down but on average I can afford to put the £900 into my pension and then maybe £1k aside a month, plus pay my mortgage.

I've got no idea if that is good or bad or not!

If you can put the best part of 2k aside each month and pay your mortgage and have 50k tucked away, I would say your doing pretty bloody well.

@InABetterPlaceNow I can relate on feeling nervous about lack of love bombing. The last guy I dated totally did this and so that made current guy feel a bit lacklustre / boring. But actually I'm really enjoying the steady pace of things and feeling like he's consistent and safe. The other guy pulled the rug out from under my feet at four months in and started accusing me of going too fast when it had totally been him making all of the ridiculous statements etc!

Saying that current guy is away in america at the moment for work and I'm sort of missing him - two weeks feels like a long time! We're texting daily but the time difference means not very much. I hope we'll chat on the phone at some point - if I don't speak or see someone for too long I start to kind of feel like we're really drifting apart / I don't like them and then when I see them I suddenly remember things are fine! (sometimes even if I have a week between dates I do this - I guess I have a slightly anxious attachment style!)

@VanGoghsDog by 'pensions and investments' do you count your house in that?

[quote StartingAgain33]**@VanGoghsDog* @Onesmallstep67* totally agree on old cars. It would really put me off if someone was a) into cars and b) had a flashy one. Like, really put me off (but then I work in sustainability so I am stronger than your average person on this). There's something I find very tacky about the whole new car thing as well (electric is okay)[/quote]
Oh crap, so you won’t like my massive SUV then? 😂

@SpringlikeBunk glad you saw Hedgehog, hope you feel in an ok place about things, its good you had some frank(furt) chats 🤗
@BelladiMamma hugs after the Mr Beau chat 💐
@Naimee87 hope Tuesday went well?? And you get a celebratory/conciliatory meet up with MM!!
Hey @Isitreallyme177 hope little Angel is doing ok! I’m missing mine sooo badly wish I could just teleport to the cattery and give her a cuddle.

@VanGoghsDog that is super impressive!!!!

If I paid that £1000 savings into my mortgage every month I would have paid it off by the time i'm 53. But I've heard it's better to put any extra you have into pension as it will compound more there?

Haha, sorry, yes back to love...... how do guys react when they see you so sorted?

I'm the only person I know that's bought in London without any parental help. I think most people assume I'm from a well off background which brings its own weirdness because I tend to go out with middle class guys / attracted to them and vice versa and then they realise my family is very very different to what they would expect which can be an interesting test for whether someone is a snob or not!

Thanks @FabulousMrFifty :) I'll let you get away with the SUV!!

(In reality I get very excited when someone has a car. In London few people do and it makes them seem very grown up!)

@Shayelle2009 hope it's all going well in France 🇫🇷

Where did you get your PCR tests from? Am going to order mine this week or next ...

[quote StartingAgain33]@VanGoghsDog by 'pensions and investments' do you count your house in that?[/quote]
No. That's my home.

Ahh @Shayelle2009 he is doing great, they're currently trying to work out who is boss. Lucy is winning, she casually strolls into the study and uses his litter tray and casually strolls out. But no fur has gone flying yet. Bet yours will be all over you when you get back.