Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

@ESGdance you sound so knowledgeable about all this. I can totally relate, it all seems so familiar. Husband has started being kind of ok this is what happens he acts badly and then starts being nice for a short time and gets affronted if I don’t appreciate it immediately.

He has been asking Dd what she needs for food tech and made food last night. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster

“It’s like an emotional rollercoaster”

It’s up to you how many more loops you all can endure. The nice / nasty cycle is also a deliberate manipulation when they think they have pushed you too far they do something “nice” which leaves you confused and doubting yourself - just know that is very likely self serving - it’s not for you or your DC - his motivation is for his own benefit.

I've found it's extremely hard doing the meal planning and dh shopping. It didn't work at all.

It didn't work when Dh did the online shopping.

I have to do the online shopping if I'm meal planning, but he's now started to do weekend meals and goes and gets the food.

Things seem to have moved on since I went to work - you sounds a bit more focused OP. Have you come to a decision? Fwiw I don't think cooked counseling would be much use, he has no wish to cooperate or compromise.

He won’t change. He’s able to hold down a responsible job. He doesn’t respect you. Relationship counselling won’t do a thing

If you leave him you will have removed a massive big brick pulling you down!

Wel if he can be nice now he could
Be nice all the time can’t he! He’s choosing not to!

Don’t get sucked into it OP!

We just had an argument because I tried to push a point. Basically petrol was empty this morning when I got in the car - he was last one to use it so I said he should have got petrol - you know when you want to make sure your partner has petrol when they use it? Well apparently I should have got it so I asked was the rule that the next person to use it AFTER the petrol light has come on should put petrol in? He said there was no rule and that he had put £20 in on Saturday before he went to his friends house - 25 mile round trip so I said ‘did it really cost £20 to go £25 miles’.

And I asked if I could see a statement for this (I’m not normally this weird asking for evidence but I just think he’s a liar). He shouted ‘How dare you speak to me like that. Who do you think you’re speaking to?’ He often shouts that if I question him

Oh come on. What on earth are you doing with your life, serving a shitty man who shouts at you, ugh.

You’d be better off becoming an expert in nose picking, or plaiting mashed potatoes than speaking to your shit husband, you’re both setting an appalling example to your kids, why not start the divorce and enjoy your life.

Honestly OP make today the day you stop putting up with that kind of shit.

@Kindtomyself

And I asked if I could see a statement for this (I’m not normally this weird asking for evidence but I just think he’s a liar). He shouted ‘How dare you speak to me like that. Who do you think you’re speaking to?’ He often shouts that if I question him

This is abuse op. He's making it impossible to reason with him by twisting the argument back at you. Just because you married him it doesn't mean he has a free pass to treat you like shit.

Who do you think you’re speaking to?

A selfish idiot

is what I'd answer

I had this DH and like you was totally fed up over it. I had reached my limit. I sat DH down and said I need him to step up more, I can't manage anymore. I told him what I would like him to do. He didn't take it seriously at first but I became so unhappy and asked for some time apart. He then took it more seriously.

I now delegate much more to him. After doing pretty much nothing he now cooks dinner x3 times a week , does all homework with DS, does two school runs. He does all the washing up. I am much more assertive in asking him nicely to do things. When he asks about things like doing a roast or something I say ok but you can sort it then- whereas before he would mention it but want me to do the shopping for it. I still need to babysit him somewhat which is annoying but I am happier.

@cleocleo81 - but you still see it as you delegating to him? Ie it’s ultimately your job to support and keep his life going but you sometimes tell him
How he can contribute a bit to running his own life. Depressing way to live.

@NowEvenBetter

Oh come on. What on earth are you doing with your life, serving a shitty man who shouts at you, ugh.

I can’t stand it

@coodawoodashooda I feel like it’s abuse. He’s horrible to me. Our dd came in to me after this asking why we were arguing. I feel so sad and sorry about it all

[quote Kindtomyself]@ESGdance you sound so knowledgeable about all this. I can totally relate, it all seems so familiar. Husband has started being kind of ok this is what happens he acts badly and then starts being nice for a short time and gets affronted if I don’t appreciate it immediately.

He has been asking Dd what she needs for food tech and made food last night. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster[/quote]
What you are describing is exactly how abusers behave.

Getting angry when you don’t toe the line and mixing it with being nice so you wonder if you haven’t been making a huge deal out of nothing. Reigning you back in.

@PerfectlyUnsuitable it’s really horrible. I can’t question anything.

[quote SpaceOp]@TractorAndHeadphones really? Because it sounds to me like you're a person who understands that her behaviour isn't okay and looks for solutions. Vs OP's H who rolls his eyes, accuses her of nagging, has no issues with poor personal hygiene.

DH asked me to hang up the washing he'd put on the other day. I forgot. when he came in and realised I said, "oh, god, I'm so sorry. I'll do it right now."[/quote]
Regarding personal hygiene, not doing laundry or chores ignoring lists etc yes I have done all of it. I also put things everywhere and have no idea that I did.
@Nanny0gg My job suits my traits. Which is hyperfocusing on things for a short span of time, constant change and big ideas. I don't really have to do the things I suck at, like being organised. Those take me double the amount of time and in my early days what took everyone else 4 hours took me 8. I held it together but at the cost of everything else.

The sad thing is OP you remind me of my mother. Your DH sounds exactly like my father (neurodiversity can be genetic) and she has spent her whole life running around after him. Nagging him to do things, house was/is a constant mess. He will never accept that something is wrong, or do any kind of therapy or improvement ever (they're not from a country where things like this are talked about anyway). It's a bit better now it's just the two of them but still

I feel sorry for her, and you, and frankly I wouldn't put up with someone like that

Honestly if you can stop yourself getting drawn into any rows you will benefit from it immensely.

It is like a light bulb when you see the patterns and understand what might be behind it.

Knowledge is power and it puts you much more in control as behaviours are very predictable - so you can make choices about when, how or if you respond.

It’s also really important to then look to yourself and understand what you are inadvertently contributing to this abusive / dysfunctional dynamic.

It might just be your presence. It might be enabling or codependency tendencies. It might be low self esteem or a belief that you knuckle down and put up and shut up.

Then you can decide to shift gear and remove whatever it is - your energy, your frustration, your anger, your determination, your vulnerability from the dynamic - all of which are inadvertently turning the wheels. He needs tension and pressure to push against - you are an emotional punch bag. He needs to trigger your anger to temporarily satisfy his own dysfunctional emotional needs.

Take all of that away. Calmly.
Drop the rope. Step back and don’t let him yank your chain. Put your precious energy and emotions elsewhere.

Give yourself some space by detaching and withdrawing from his emotional energy and then you will have a moments peace and calm you will have the opportunity to consider and explore your options.

@ESGdance thanks. Actually this totally makes sense. I’ll be back in a bit to read more of this.

I totally support what @ESGdance says. It was like a lightbulb coming on when I realised one day that I could just walk away (metaphorically, he moved out). His problems were not mine. I did not have to play along in the pointless pursuit of a future that would never happen. I've never looked back.

Our DC are fine and our house is now a calm, happy place.

@pickingdaisies I messaged husband earlier to say that I thought we should go for relationship counselling and did he agree? He read it at 12 and not responded

I would love this @CowboyBebop If he would just realise how much this is all shattering me inside and just walk away and let me be happy. But here I am having a small scheduled cry in the bathroom while he laughs at something on his phone downstairs. He is oblivious.
I left him with one job to do today - to sort out the insurance for the conservatory roof, but I ended up doing it. Of course, I went for the wrong option, and it caused all kinds of drama. He was ranting and raving about it, not necessarily at me, more at them, but ranting and raving nevertheless. Then he tried to calm it down and sort things out. So of course now I feel like he's done well to sort it out, and I have no right to be upset with him. This is why I back down every time and can't just say please leave. I don't know what will make me do it in the end.