Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

Funnily enough @Nanny0gg I have been seeing a counsellor....and she has dumped me!!! She is a Mind counsellor, and was great, but has now told me she has had to close my case because it had been so long between our sessions. It started off every two weeks, which was ok, but I had to take a half day off work for each session as it was a bit of a drive away. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I texted her to arrange a session but she didnt reply so I left it another couple of weeks, texted again, and this is when she said it had been too long and I couldnt have any more sessions. I explained that I had texted and she said she would give me a call so we could chat and find a way forward. She hasn't called!!! I'm starting to think she sees me as a lost cause as I listen to all the advice but don't act on it. As @AttilaTheMeerkat and others here know all too well!!!
Previous to that I was with Relate but it got too expensive. I actually think I'm all counselled out. I started in Feb 2019, and am still in the same position as when I started. The only progress being I told dh we would never ever be having sex again, and have also seen a solicitor. It's a start I suppose. But I'm 45 soon and I don't want to get to 50 and still be where I am. Life was meant to begin at 40!

Why don’t you remove the stress points? I don’t understand why he has to go to the supermarket. Buy the monthly shopping pass at wherever sainsburys etc and set up a recurring Monday and Friday order/delivery. You could also order a couple of Cook meals per week to ease pressure and give him the responsibility of picking up the takeaway on the way home on a Friday night. Get a cleaner in once a week. This is how most people do this stuff. None of my friends have partners/husbands who go to Tesco and pretty much all of them at least 30 families have some sort of extended or paid for help. They rely on parents or have cleaners/dog walkers/gardeners/online groceries. In fact I’m looking at the neighbours now and the cleaners have just gone in. What I’m saying is, you’ve said this is unsexy but you’re punishing him for something that I don’t know one single other man to do and I’m now racking my brain to think of one in the entirety of the UKs family/friends network. Especially if they work. Just take the jobs away from him. It’s got to be cheaper than divorce.

@nocnoc you do know you basically just said OP needs to do yet more stuff? She has already said she does more than her fair share and she’s had enough. Why should she do more? Why can’t he think of these things and action them? I struggle to believe no man goes to the supermarket, my fiancé only went yesterday?!

@StaplesCorner that’s really sad. Don’t put up with it. I’m desperate to find a resolution to this and if it means we split up then so be it but I deserve to have a less stressful home life than I do and so do you

@19bears maybe you need to explore why you don’t take the advice? How about doing some reading on the subject or listening to audible books? Codependency? Attachment types? My guess is that you have perhaps lost your sense of self so this needs to be repaired. You are worth it

@nocnoc it’s not unreasonable to expect a fully grown adult to pull their weight at home. Did you read that he doesn’t even buy his own underwear - to the point he’s now wearing unwashed clothes with no pants? Who do you suggest she outsources his pant buying to? He sounds like he expects to be lifted and laid and takes no agency even for his own self care - that level of uselessness is well beyond getting a cleaner in.

At some point your own self respect has to demand you don’t live with it any more.

OP - my exDH was very similar and there was no point in trying to explain things to him or give ultimatums or set up a new system or couples counselling. The way he behaved was not due to an inability to remember or understand what needs to be done or competence. He behaved that way because he was acting out his own unresolved issues and projected his anger at himself and his long gone parents on to me. Once I realised this the way ahead was clear. Once he moved out I felt a weight lift from me and I am happier than I have been for twenty years. Once you feel contempt for your partner there is no way back.

The up side of my doing almost everything for twenty years is that there was virtually no adjustment when he did move out, if anything the burden was lighter because I wasn't looking after him as well. Good luck!

I'm the female version of your partner - but I have ADHD.
I however solved the issue by getting a cleaner.
Since he doesn;t even attempt to fix it get rid.

I haven't read all the replies but the fact he doesn't wear underwear and picks out dirty jeans because he basically can't be arsed to function at the same level as you is a real turn off, he clearly just muddles along and takes advantage of you carrying the mental load.
Then he shouts when you try to discuss things, that's something I couldn't handle (and i say that as someone who previously carried the mental load and had to gradually delegate the tasks out to my dh)

@19Bears I wonder what it would take for you to leave? His basic lack of personal hygiene hasn’t done it, his lack of respect for you hasn’t done it, lack of sex hasn’t done it so what would? Think about what it would take - actually quantify that and then ask yourself how far you are from that.

Also ask yourself why you stay, again quantify that - is it love, loyalty, ease, other people’s expectations, fear of the unknown? Are those things worth giving your life for?

*gettung a cleaner among other things

He's switched off. And then you stepped up & stepped in more and more, so then there became no need for him to think because you do it all for him.

Tell him that is what has been happening and it's stopping today.

Then Stop parenting him. Just stop. It doesn't help anyone. But also respect and understand he will do things differently to you, so he forgets the bags. It's not the end of the world. It'll take a bit of time but he basically needs to learn to stand on his own two feet again. He can. He does it at work

@nocnoc I don’t do online shopping because husband doesn’t like it and prefers to go to the shop however I am going to start doing it. I’m a little taken aback that you are holding me responsible for ‘punishing him’ to go to the shop. He is actually the one who says he wants to go shopping and doesn’t want online but regardless of that why do you have have an attitude to men as if they’re incapable of managing a household or doing the tasks to keep a house ticking over? Have women got super powers that men don’t possess?

I’ll look into getting a cleaner although not all people have the luxury of this.

@NorthSouthcatlady thanks for that. What I want is a partnership. It’s not reasonable for me to do more (and it’s not just a little more it’s bleeding loads more).

@CowboyBebop thanks for your response and I’m so pleased to read you’re doing so well. I do think it’s something to do with unresolved issues with his parents. You’ve hit the nail on the head I think. However I have tried to encourage him to get some therapy and he keeps making excuses not to do this. I can only do so much it’s really impacting on me

@TractorAndHeadphones thanks and glad you’ve found a solution. Would you mind explaining a little more why ADHD means that a person can’t manage household tasks effectively?
I’m really interested to understand this.

Like others have said he's not going to change or be forced into changing his ways. You either have to live with it or LTB. My DH is also a complete man child, can't see dirt and mess, dirty clothes, jobs piling up around him, head in the clouds. BUT he has all the ideas, plans and does all the cooking. I never stop working, cleaning, tidying etc but at the end of the day it's about being an effective team, a loving partnership with the same goals. I wouldn't let my DH walk about in dirty clothes and the fact you do sounds like you no longer actually still love and respect him. If you don't no counseling will help and why are you still with him?

@DirtyDancing thanks. I know lots of bags isn’t the end of the world it’s just all these little things add up and it’s like I’m trying to chop down a path through a jungle every day. So I’ll go in the drawer to get a light bulb and find that I have to take out loads of bags before I can locate the bulbs because the carrier bag drawer is full so he shoves them in the lightbulb drawer. Or he’ll leave the bags out cos he’s nowhere to put them so I’ll then have to find somewhere to put them or chuck them away. Alternatively I could leave them on the table and they will just live there for the rest of my life or I will ask husband why he has left the bags on the table and he will huff, roll his eyes and basically send an unspoken message to me to say ‘you get on my nerves you bloody nag’. So a lot of bags isn’t the end of the world but why can’t an adult manage his life without making mine harder?

I wouldn't let my DH walk about in dirty clothes and the fact you do sounds like you no longer actually still love and respect him.

Why on Earth is it the OPs responsibility to make sure he has clean clothes? I do that for my kids but my partner is a fully grown adult - it’s not her job to police his personal hygiene. He shows absolutely no respect for himself.

[quote Kindtomyself]@TractorAndHeadphones thanks and glad you’ve found a solution. Would you mind explaining a little more why ADHD means that a person can’t manage household tasks effectively?
I’m really interested to understand this.[/quote]
www.adhdmarriage.com/content/adhd-and-household-chores
www.adhdawarenessmonth.org/adhd-and-executive-functions/

If you search 'ADHD and household tasks', ADHD disorganised etc there are loads of threads. Not just on Google but also on MN.

Given that MN suggests special needs at the drop of a hat I'm surprised that you've got hundreds of replies with nobody mentioning it. But MN also hates men

@IknowwhatIneed you took the words out of my mouth. I’m being held responsible for another adult walking round in dirty clothes

Also OP read all the comments in the first link.. I think you'll recognise a lot of it

Thanks @TractorAndHeadphones

@19Bears

I know I know I know *@AttilaTheMeerkat and @JSL52 and @Nanny0gg and @Bumpsadaisie*

It's like a mental and physical block that I cannot get past. Someone even offered me a way out, and I let him go, all out of misguided loyalty to a man who doesn't look twice at me or make any contribution to the running of the house, or my happiness. What am I doing????

Such a shame. What a waste of your life ?

[quote Kindtomyself]@Nanny0gg nope I don’t find him attractive at all. It was our anniversary recently and he kept making hints about sex and I said ‘there’s no way I am interested in having sex with you when you ignore me when I ask you to do things to help our life tick over’ he rolled his eyes again[/quote]
Never mind that.

He doesn't clean his teeth, the dirty minger!!

Just tell him he's disgusting!