Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Kindtomyself

No not at all. I am just saying that you have been airing your grievances about your husbands shoddy behaviour (and I’m totally on your side in him being lazy af) and because this is a women’s forum you have received replies which are totally supportive.

All I’m saying is, don’t take being supported so well here as an indication of what will happen in settlement/custody were he will just say he isn’t lazy and no one will be any more inclined to believe your word (as they are here).
I was just saying it in relation to you saying your poor DC deserve better. I agree but I’m not sure if you thought you could get better by taking them and having little contact with him - I was just warning you that it’s quite possible he could have a lot of contact with them still, so just be wise that Mumsnet isn’t going to decide that.[/quote]
Ok, I understand what you're saying. I'm totally aware of this which is why it's taken me until my wits end to air my grievances. I know that it will be 50:50 all the way and so he will get half the house that was originally mine.

Again I saw this on another thread and just want to make the point adhd does not mean you have an excuse not to do household tasks. My husband has medicated and psychiatrist diagnosed adhd (a lot of people say they do and it’s a total armchair diagnosis) and he does so much round the house and is a very involved and dedicated father.

Is the thought that he could get half the house if you divorce, also contributing to the rage and resentment you feel? Perhaps discussing your situation with a solicitor might clarify possible outcomes? And do your discussions where he starts to shout at at you, just end when he starts shouting?

If he does sweet FA with the DC now do you really think he's going to want 50:50? He will have to buy food, cook food, wash clothes that are at his house, make sure they are collected/dropped off to activities etc.

I'd fight bloody hard to make sure he only gets EOW and maybe 1 dinner a week, and for a higher percentage of the assets because you have the lion share of childcare.

Start keeping a diary of everything you do, and everything he does (and doesn't do, eg asked to do x and didn't) re the DC.

My understanding is that only the increase in value of the house since you married would be up for negotiation (max 50% likely less if you take on most care of the DCs) - but I could be wrong here.

Take your time. Get yourself emotionally balanced and then see a solicitor. It’s one of the most empowering things making that appointment. He doesn’t need to know you are going - even if you didn’t leave it’s very important to be clear what the likely scenarios are.

@Newmum29 thanks for your input, it’s useful to hear

@goody2shooz yes the fact that half the house will go that I bought on my own before meeting him does add to the resentment oh and the fact that his parents are comfortable and sensible with money and will make sure he is well looked after financially whereas my parents are not so great with money.

Yes arguments stop when he shouts because firstly I get scared, I hate shouting. I was brought up in a dysfunctional home with parents yelling at each other and being generally horrible to each other and neglecting me emotionally (yes I am aware of the similarities here). AND secondly I don’t want the kids to get upset.

@goody2shooz oh and I spoke to a solicitor 6 months ago who said he would be entitled to 50:50 although he may agree to let me stay in the house with the kids until they’re 16 or 18 but I can’t see how that would be possible as he would need to buy somewhere.

@ClaryFairchild I am 100 per cent sure that he would want the kids 50:50 because he thinks he’s amazing and does loads and that I’m a nag who moans for the sake of it. I would still carry the mental and emotional load and probably all their washing. He can feed them etc

@ESGdance I checked with a solicitor already and it would be 50:50. She said that it would probably have been different if we had been married for less than 5 years but we’ve been married 15

Right I’m off to work (bit late but I’ve been trying to write a journal and read this thread) Husband still in bed. I’ll check back later.

Wonder if the dc would want to be with their father 50/50? It is a momentous feeling, the prospect of divorce, but is the prospect of staying for the next 20 years or more better? Everyone wants to feel they tried their best before throwing in the towel, but all the effort can’t just come from one person.

[quote Kindtomyself]@ClaryFairchild I am 100 per cent sure that he would want the kids 50:50 because he thinks he’s amazing and does loads and that I’m a nag who moans for the sake of it. I would still carry the mental and emotional load and probably all their washing. He can feed them etc[/quote]
This is a very bitter pill to swallow. You do however get to make your children realise how you live, and your standards, compared to his. You will also get a reat and have much more energy for being the person and mother your children deserve.

This is very much my DH. I feel like he puts the whole mental load on me and we have argued over it lots and nothing has changed. It's only when I started crying a lot and being very down and told him I needed some space so he went to a hotel, did he take it seriously. Could you do that? Before it was just me nagging, making a big deal out of something small, he didn't see the bigger picture or how I eventually began to feel. It was only the prospect of splitting up that has made him step up.

I still hold lots of resentment towards him for letting things get to that place though and for the lack of support from him particularly during lockdown. He still puts himself first in all situations which grates on me.

Before you leave him I think you need to give him a chance. Sit down and talk to him about how you feel, get upset and let him know how much it is affecting you. Ask him to have some time apart.

Delegating is the wrong word I guess. I meant handing over the responsibility. I know it's hard as you feel like stuff won't be done otherwise but I am learning to let go more. I do end up having to mention things lots of times too and then I get accused of nagging.

I have eased my mental load in small ways which makes me feel so much better.

I ask DH to cook dinner x3 days a week, if he doesn't cook there is no dinner and he's hungry. He asks me what there is for tea- in the past I would tell him what to make, but ingredients, get it out the freezer etc. Now I don't.
He does DS homework- before I would set up all up for him. Now I only tell him where it is and what DH has to do. The rest is up to him.
He asks me what he are doing at the weekend etc/what time x is etc. I now refer him to our joint diary.
Clothes aren't put away- I throw them on his bed.
Something not washed- I shrug my shoulders- oh well, you know where the washing machine is.
He wants a roast/see him mum etc- ok that will be nice. I will leave you to sort that out 100%. If it doesn't happen it's in him.

I feel a lot lighter for it. It's not perfect. I have to deal with my resentment. I would like him to do more, but this attitude has made him more proactive to do things himself rather than asking me.

But it’s this whole thing of ‘sitting him down and telling him’, making lists, spreadsheets, rotas etc. What next - gold stars? If these men don’t know how to adult, why is it a wife’s work to have to teach them? Are you really saying they don’t know fine well what they’re doing? They do know. They’re simply lazy and selfish, and think you’re just going to keep on doing everything. They can darvo, call you a nag, shout, do the chores so badly you’ll just do them cos it’s quicker etc etc. So really it’s your choice - give yourself a time limit to retrain him, ltb, or put up and shut up. But do think of the effect on your children as they watch their mother treated with contempt and disrespect, a skivvy, a maid of all work. As they feel the tension and resentment that pervades their hone. And don’t fool yourself that they don’t see and feel it, if they ask why daddy is shouting please explain honestly in an age appropriate way at least.

@WarriorN thanks for your post. Can you let me know who Gottman is please?

www.gottman.com/

It seems that you have done loads if you have already seen a solicitor. I agree with PP that the financial situation is a bitter pill to swallow.

However you could also see a separation as a significant positive emotional investment in the future life time mental well-being of your DCs and yourself.

Not everything is about money, although you could also reframe the issue that as your DH is financially secure due to his parents and benefiting from your home - then your DC will also benefit from this directly.

I don’t know how old your DCs are but mine were teenagers and the penny dropped that I could sustain being at the end of my tether but that they would soon leave with this dysfunctional dynamic as their childhood legacy and they deserved better (even if I thought I didn’t).

There is no rush on this. Best is to get your own emotional state calmed and restored, get professional emotional support if you can, put in loads of self care (sleep, eat, rest, exercise etc) talk to trusted friends and it will become obvious if and when you push the button.

@cleocleo81 - in some ways it’s good that you have chipped away and offloaded some tasks but it’s also cripplingly sad that a someone will allow their partner to fall apart under the strain of their behaviour and only change it when it threatens them - it’s all very self serving - it’s not because he cares about you or your family unit - he still does the absolute minimum to allow him to stay.

I completely understand the financial irritation but think of it this way - you divorce him now and you are giving him less than if you divorce him in another 10 years.

Also, I'd see another solicitor. when you consider how often women who are the residential parent still get almost nothing, it's hard to believe that you can't fight for at least some of your original investment. Also, it's all very well him staying he'll want 50/50 but is that really in their best interests? eg who currently does school runs, engages with school, organises extra curricular, drives them to extra curricular etc? Because I think he's going to struggle to prove that he is a 50/50 parent currently and that keeping that is best for the DC.

@ESGdance

www.gottman.com/

It seems that you have done loads if you have already seen a solicitor. I agree with PP that the financial situation is a bitter pill to swallow.

However you could also see a separation as a significant positive emotional investment in the future life time mental well-being of your DCs and yourself.

Not everything is about money, although you could also reframe the issue that as your DH is financially secure due to his parents and benefiting from your home - then your DC will also benefit from this directly.

I don’t know how old your DCs are but mine were teenagers and the penny dropped that I could sustain being at the end of my tether but that they would soon leave with this dysfunctional dynamic as their childhood legacy and they deserved better (even if I thought I didn’t).

There is no rush on this. Best is to get your own emotional state calmed and restored, get professional emotional support if you can, put in loads of self care (sleep, eat, rest, exercise etc) talk to trusted friends and it will become obvious if and when you push the button.

@cleocleo81 - in some ways it’s good that you have chipped away and offloaded some tasks but it’s also cripplingly sad that a someone will allow their partner to fall apart under the strain of their behaviour and only change it when it threatens them - it’s all very self serving - it’s not because he cares about you or your family unit - he still does the absolute minimum to allow him to stay.

Yes I am aware of that. I do have lots of resentment towards him because of that. He's not there for me emotionally and he is very selfish and puts himself number 1. He's natural instinct is not to sort the dcs before himself. Things are better but it is hard getting past the resentment. My MH was on the floor during the second lockdown and he did just leave me to it, we aren't a team. BUT I think he does care because he is trying.

Sometimes I think it's me though as only one friend I have told I feel has supported me with this. Others have had he's ok or not really commented whereas one another friends issues she gets loads of advice and support. It makes me question if I am being silly.

How do you get over that? Ultimately his attitude hasn't changed and won't. But he thinks everything is ok now. Scuff I guess it's better but I still feel resentful.

[quote Kindtomyself]@WarriorN thanks for your post. Can you let me know who Gottman is please?[/quote]

Gottman institute but I'm not sure he'd be interested in working in your marriage? There's a book. www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Their theories aren't perfect though. Only works if both want it and try to understand it. Also some of it glosses over abuse I feel.

I recently flicked through a book called the 80/80 marriage which was around this exact situation, who carries the mental load and all the house work, but he doesn't seem very reasonable or capable tbh.

Shouting you down is just bullying.

There's a fine line between some of those points in the link (eg defensiveness) re abusive behaviour.

I would still carry the mental and emotional load and probably all their washing. He can feed them etc

Only if you let him.

2 sets of school uniforms, one at each house, you wash and iron your own, anything that happens in your time, you deal with. He buys clothes and food from them so they have items to wear at his his house. Parents evenings, you both get notified, if he chooses not to attend that's his decision. The same for school events, plays etc. I'd take on the mental load for things like dentist and hair appointments.

50:50 financially is galling but YOU will be so much better off without him. He sounds awful and your only responsibility is to put yourself and DC first.

The irony is you'll end up doing all the jobs yourself but without the resentment that he should be sharing the load. And you'll decide how and when they'll get done.

Who could be bothered with allocating tasks and checking a fully functioning adult has done them, what a waste of life.

In my now considerable experience at 59 , I have come to the conclusion that the majority of men are like this OP, even the nicer ones. Some aren’t , but if people on here have one who does his fair share you are pretty lucky, a quick straw-sample of my friends group of 5 (ranging from 35 to 59) showed that only one of us has a current partner who steps fully up to the plate , and past relationships were the same. I think a lot(not all) of women have higher standards domestically of what bothers them. For instance if I got home and was out of something I needed to make a particular meal I would nip to the shop- H would just say oh don’t bother I will grab something else. I don’t know why stuff doesn’t always cross men’s minds about domestic stuff/life admin but over the years I’ve learnt to lower my standards somewhat if I wanted a harmonious home- not good I know.