TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.

[Dogladyxo]

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

[Oblomov21]

You seem surprised. This would've seriously hacked me off and I wouldn't feel the same way about you afterwards if you'd dicked me around at the last minute.

I appreciate the disciplinary, but these are all the things that could've been talked about both from a supportive point of view and a practical suggestions with your friends whilst you were on holiday, to even suggest no going is so self-centred and over reactionary that I'd have to question what sort of friend you were.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I don't quite understand. You messaged them the night before, saying you couldn't go. So that was their moment to decide whether to go as a three, or not, wasn't it? You'd handed over the baton and dropped out.

So I don't understand why they hadn't made that decision and acted upon it (go as a 2 or 3, or cancel leave if possible and go to work). Why were they still hanging around in the morning?

Did they think your message was just a cry for attention? Where was your partner? Why couldn't she have set them straight and taken responsibility for liaising with the other two and deciding what to do, the night before?

What would have happened if you'd been ill in a non-negotiable and non-confusing way, like a broken leg or norovirus?

[safariboot]

B is toxic. They created all the drama and poisoned A against you. Your partner had sorted out the arrangements because you were unwell, just as unwell as if you'd spent the night with vomiting and diarrhea. Rather than being sympathetic or practical, B was judgy and stirred up trouble.

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

Do you have BPD OP? I don't mean that unkindly, I'm just curious. Not that it's an excuse, it most definitely isn't.

I'm.glad to hear you've done the right thing and refunded them.

[MsAgnesDiPesto]

So I don't understand why they hadn't made that decision and acted upon it (go as a 2 or 3, or cancel leave if possible and go to work). Why were they still hanging around in the morning?

Because the OP’s GF old the others that it would still be on, and that OP would be fine after sleeping it off. So they were, presumably expecting confirmation of that fact after the OP had slept. Having heard nothing by 11am, when departure time was supposed to be midday, must have made it impossible to plan one way or the other.

OP should have set an alarm for a normal wake up time in order to give everyone clarity on what was happening as soon as possible.

[CloseThePackWithAClickClack]

Sorry but I’d end our friendship as well. Way too much drama with you.

[Doomscrolling]

@lottiegarbanzo Because OP's girlfriend was the one driving because she has snow tires, so A&B couldn't go as a pair. And GF was assuring them OP would be fine in the morning and the trip would go ahead.

[Rogue1001]

Are you and GF on the trip right now?

[BiLuminous]

OP, you say this is the first time anything like this has happened. Do you mean on such a large scale or just not at all? Nothing like bailing on them for other things before?

I don't think you need any more scolding than what you've had on the thread, but as you have acknowledged they both had a right to be angry. I understand why you acted the way you did because anxiety does that to you, but losing time off, a trip they were looking forward to and all that money close to Christmas (at Thanksgiving for you maybe?) would have had me furious too. It's the winter tyres that would have compounded the anger for me because it wouldn't have just been easy to up and go with the other friend.

I would encourage you to really think before you text back in future when someone is angry with you. I have done a similar curt response before because I just did a shutdown, so I'm curious if you've also experienced abuse/trauma in your life too. It won't help you get your friends back but it's something to think about and talk through with your counsellor. Conflict isn't easy if you've been through abuse but you have to learn to deal with it (I am making some assumptions here).

[Rogue1001]

[quote eggandchips33]@Frauhubert What a horrible, cruel twat you are. [/quote]
Totally agree with you @eggandchips33

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh, so OP's GF screwed up, chose not to believe what her GF was telling her, misled people, then failed to communicate with them in the morning. Yet OP is getting all the blame? That's pretty shit.

[CharlotteRose90]

Glad you have refunded them. I’d cut this friendship and move on. I wouldn’t stay friends with you if you treated me this way. It’s yours and your partners fault.

If you haven’t already look into counselling to sort your issues and in future don’t treat people that way.

[lottiegarbanzo]

So it sounds like OP and her GF have a weird 'let's all treat OP like a child' relationship and have both forgotten that that's only ok within the confines of their relationship, it is not ok to impose it on other people and expect them to suck up the consequences.

[daisychain01]

@Dogladyxo the last thing you need is this kind of thread, calling you all the names under the sun and judging you harshly. Yes you messed up but you're a human being behind the user name and you sound like you're at least self-aware and not trying to dodge the blame.

Hopefully your lessons learned are:

Don't take on ambitious plans single-handed. You said upthread you did it because your friends wouldn't know where to start. Don't be a hero, you'll never be thanked and it opens you up to so much vulnerability if it all goes belly-up as it did with your MH melt-down. Keep yourself safe, don't expose yourself to a "car-crash" any more.

Take stock, regain your stability, get your meds sorted out and take time with just you and your gf to heal and regain composure.

Most of all don't let this (admittedly) situation make you vilify yourself. You aren't a bad person, you just need to reign in the urge to be a superstar, be a bit less ambitious on these social events.

[Oftenithinkaboutit]

@lottiegarbanzo

So it sounds like OP and her GF have a weird 'let's all treat OP like a child' relationship and have both forgotten that that's only ok within the confines of their relationship, it is not ok to impose it on other people and expect them to suck up the consequences.

Absolutely 100% nailed it

[daisychain01]

admittedly dreadful

[lottiegarbanzo]

Yup, I've read all OP's posts now and I think responsibility lies with her GF.

She should have decided whether she was happy to leave OP at home or not and taken responsibility for that decision. She should have called the friends at a reasonable time in the morning, 9-10am and given them a firm yes or no. A yes would have included the possibility of leaving OP behind if not awake or functional, taking her along if willing.

Why did she leave them hanging until 11am? She could have woken OP herself, if knowing whether OP wanted to come was crucial to her own decision.

Your GF over-rode your own account of your own experience and your decision. She took a 'mother knows best' approach to telling other people what (she believed) you wanted.

That came back to bite her - but actually you've taken the rap. I hope that's a joint credit card.

[lightisnotwhite]

[quote eggandchips33]@Frauhubert What a horrible, cruel twat you are. [/quote]
I think Frauhubert makes a valid point.
Pretty much all of the Op’s posts are about them and their feelings. Even all the “I’m sorry” and “I’m in the wrong” posts are about getting help or therapy or something.
Where’s the endless “how can I make it up to my friends” posts or “is this a good way to mend the relationship”. I think there’s been one where they’ll give back the money.
The rest is the Op being self indulgent.

[itsallgoingpearshaped]

@TedMullins

I don’t get why everyone thinks they should be refunded when they could still have gone on the trip without OP but just chose not to? That isn’t her fault. Surely a normal, rational person upon receiving a “I’m too depressed to come” message would be concerned for their friend and wish them well and go on the trip, rather than flying into a rage?

Because OP said she was going to go after all, and they didn't want to see her after all that.

This is on the OP.

[RoseAndRose]

OP says she feels dreadful, and that is of course an entirely reasonable response to a bad day at work followed by an entirely avoidable set of difficulties with friends.

The question is whether she should listen to those who are saying that everyone else should be nice to her about this poor conduct, thus shielding her from the normal consequences (of apologising and making up, and learning better ways of dealing with people). Or to those who are looking at the longer term and seeing how this is a form of selfish behaviour (got three people all focussed on her - no consideration of the impact of her actions on them and storms of self-flagellation) and that it needs a different kind of action than a series of criticisms of friends and partner for not doing enough, or of posters who don't believe that uncritical endorsement of poor behaviour is any part of a roadmap towards normal healthy interactions

[withgraceinmyheart]

Yes I’m coming around to this way of thinking too. Not wanting to be too harsh on gf though because she was in a hard position. Really they need to work out the boundaries in advance so if things like this happen everyone’s clear on what will happen.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh no, OP needs to learn from this too.

But her GF really did screw up and also needs to learn from that. Their relationship is not entirely healthy and they're both dicking people around as a consequence.

[baileys6904]

Wtaf? Now it's the girlfriends fault???

This thread would be hilarious if it wasn't a real person that has a) fucked, b) realised they've fuck up and resolved the issue c) received a fuck load of personal abuse about it.

Absolutely the friends should be refunded-they've lost out on a trip through no fault of their own, at lats minute and a whole load of cash that few people can afford right now.

However

The op has reflected, and resolved. Hopefully the relationships can be fixed with time. Thank fuck someone can just take responsibility instead of look to blame someone who was actually just trying to keep the peace and support everyone concerned.

Incidentally, those talking about mental health, at what point does one person's mental health become more important than another's. Who knows what state the friends were in or what mental health issues they have.

OP-pls be mindful a lot of replies are just folk arguing amongst themselves and using you as the reasoning point. It's not aimed at you, you've resolved your own thing. People just like tto fucking argue and make themselves feel superior and right. If you're struggling anyway, don't read anymore. You've done your bit to this now. Perhaps text or write to your friends explaining your remorse and feelings at losing the friendship. The rest is more about them and how they are

[withgraceinmyheart]

I don’t think it’s gf fault. I do think she needs better boundaries and to let Op face the consequences of her choices, even when her MH is bad. Op woke up an hour before they were supposed to leave, expecting to be able to still go having pulled out the night before. Gf shouldn’t put with that.

It’s horrible but it’s the only way.