Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.
277

Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 01:05

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 08:24

@Hadjab

Wow..... What about the shoddy way those 2 nasty 'friends' treated her? confused She needed them. Where were they for her? I would much rather be OP's friend than friend of bitch A and bitch B. I guess your definitions of 'shoddy' and 'friends' are completely different and polar opposite to mine. confused hmm

Have you read all of OP’s updates? She herself had admitted they were supportive towards her until she went MIA, sent two facetious texts the next morning and effectively prevented them from going, as only her girlfriend had the appropriate tyres, and her GF did not confirm that she’d be willing to go with them. The blame lies squarely with OP - you can’t fuck people over like that and expect them to not be pissed off.

Yes I have. She was offline overnight, GF told them she would speak to them tomorrow, and when she woke up the next day she was greeted with an essay of abuse and other texts of abuse. So she then reacted snarky back. OP and A made up, they were both going, but trouble-maker B got into A's ear and destroyed the truce they had.

The blame lies squarely on A and B, I would argue more so B. Not the OP. Read the thread again.
Please
or
to access all these features

ineedsun · 27/11/2021 08:31

I can see that you’re getting counselling, you don’t say what sort but it sounds like you might benefit from some support with emotional regulation- your tendency to knee jerk in response to situations seems to be at the heart of all this so perhaps if you learned to stop and step back you could change the consequences?

Please
or
to access all these features

LizzieSiddal · 27/11/2021 08:34

Glad you’ve refunded them.

I’d write them both a letter saying how sorry you are and admitting you made several mistakes. They can then chose to either forgive you or not, but at least they can’t say you didn’t admit it was your fault.

Please
or
to access all these features

bratzdoll · 27/11/2021 08:36

You didn't message then until 11am the same day?? How were they meant to know if the staycation was going to happen or not?
Then you replied saying lol and you're going to sleep. They're meant to be your close friends so a bit harsh to be so rude!
You definitely need to reimburse them, what you did was wrong sorry

Please
or
to access all these features

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/11/2021 08:39

Id have been livid as well.. I have complex trauma and toxic anxiety and I have NEVER treated friends like this or involved them in my drama. Id ditch any friend who treated me like this. Absolutely ridiculous. You need to get help and grow up.

Please
or
to access all these features

bratzdoll · 27/11/2021 08:39

Sorry I've just rtft! Glad to see you've refunded them and hopefully you can mend the friendships after some time

Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 08:41

So reasonable on this thread. So contrite. So full of deep and profound regret

And yet in RL - a much looked forward to and planned trip - you pissed over at the very last minute


It’s one thing to behave very reasonably on an anonymous forum and posting.

It’s another to behave reasonably in real life. Actually walking the walk rather than talking the talk (or posting the post in this case!)

Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 08:42

And you only refunded because a group of anonymous posters told you


Not because the friends that you actually disappointed - asked you to

Please
or
to access all these features

Autumnleaves4 · 27/11/2021 08:42

If you want the friendship to continue you need to refund them out of your pocket. I wouldn’t want to be your friend though. You sound very reactive and we’re so obsessed with your own feelings that you were totally unaware of anyone else’s. How could you be so upset that you couldn’t go away on a trip and then sleep all night until 11am! What did your partner do in all this, did she not talk to you before you went to bed or message friends saying upset but she’s sure you’ll be fine in the morning, apologies?

Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 08:48

* something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director*

Very interested what this involved

Please
or
to access all these features

Autumnleaves4 · 27/11/2021 08:49

Actually have read more of your replies, I think your friends should have been more forgiving know your mental health problems. I would approach friend A now you have refunded and explain that you have been hurt as after your chat she had agreed to go on the trip but then B changed her mind. Looking back could you not also then called B for a heart to heart?

Please
or
to access all these features

A580Hojas · 27/11/2021 08:51

Nasty nasty comments on this thread to a woman who has depression and anxiety! We should show some understanding to people in these circumstances as they sometimes don't make the best choices or think of others. You don't have to agree with what she's done, just don't be so horrible in the way you reply!!

Please
or
to access all these features

Porfre · 27/11/2021 08:52

YABU

Please
or
to access all these features

eggandchips33 · 27/11/2021 08:54

[email protected] some of the vile posters on this thread have more to be ashamed of than the OP.

Please
or
to access all these features

A580Hojas · 27/11/2021 08:56

@HeartRainbow87

You’re a terrible person for behaving like an immature toddler and treating your friends that way.

Look at this! Awful.
Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 08:56

People saying nasty comments

It’s not nasty. No name calling. Just people very sympathetic to the friends and forthright about it.

These friends know the op. Presumably my very very close to have arranged to holiday with them.

And yet - they’ve clearly just reached the end of their tether. They’re done. They’ve had enough of this kind of behaviour from the op.

Please
or
to access all these features

JetRocket · 27/11/2021 08:57

Honestly OP I have struggled a lot with my MH and anxiety/depression. I also have friends in the same boat.

I’m afraid it’s still your fault this happened and you do need to refund them, I’m glad you are doing.
‘MH’ isn’t an excuse to ruin other people’s plans or waste their time/money without then being liable to rectify it. If you had keyed someone’s car or broken someone’s watch whilst in a low place you’d still have to pay to fix it.

You remain responsible for your actions and their impact on others xx

Please
or
to access all these features

DontBeCatty · 27/11/2021 08:57

I think you did the right thing to pay them back.

Please
or
to access all these features

Yummypumpkin · 27/11/2021 08:59

Doesn't sound like depression and anxiety. Does sound classic borderline/EUPD.
In either case, you can't treat people like this and keep them as friends.
I imagine this was a last straw situation with friends. Paying them back won't bring them back.
You need to get real about your issues...

Please
or
to access all these features

Fatherfintanstack · 27/11/2021 09:01

Oh come on, she's refunded them and apologised and is getting help. Why does it matter that she sought advice online before doing so? Please can we stop calling the OP a terrible person? She's listened to advice and taken steps to amend this. Whether the friends come back or not remains to be seen but she's done all she can. I predict that A might but B is quite wound up over this and may not, or may take a lot more time.

It changed things a bit for me with the update that the GF was keeping them posted (not entirely sure if she fully assured them the trip.was still on and they should assume they were still going) but that's not a total shutdown. Not saying it should be on her to smooth things over but OP has said this isn't a regular occurrence.

I think OP was out of order, as she's admitted, and messed them all around but don't think B has behaved brilliant either, if this is a one off meltdown of a good friend.

OP, I recently overreacted due to anxiety and past trauma. Different circumstances. I don't think the guy is coming back but I sent a brief handwritten apology letter and explained (without full details) what made me react as I did. This was partly to move away from the text row we had had. I feel a bit more at ease knowing I've done all I can and the ball is in his court.

Perhaps give it a few days, send a formal, heartfelt apology and then consider the matter closed. If they come back to you, great, if not, you messed up but did everything you could to put it right.

Please
or
to access all these features

BoredZelda · 27/11/2021 09:02

Your right, I never stopped them from going.

If you had not sent the text, they would have gone.

They needed your GF to go. If your MH was so fragile, and you were genuinely struggling, there is no world where your GF would have left you alone. You keep saying how terrible it was that they seemed unconcerned. Swanning off on a trip when you were in crisis would be seen as being very uncaring.

Sure they could have gone, but it wasn’t really a choice. You put them in a poor position, it’s unfair to blame them for their reactions.

Please
or
to access all these features

eggandchips33 · 27/11/2021 09:02

@Oftenithinkaboutit she's been called a terrible person and that people are grateful that they don't have friends like her. These aren't helpful comments, they are nasty and malicious.

But yeah keep telling yourselves how you're kind people who believe MH shouldn't be stigmatised.

Nobody is justifying the behaviour, it must have been really frustrating and upsetting for the friends. But kicking someone like this when they are clearly struggling is just awful and says a lot about the nature of the posters commenting. Maybe you ought to ask yourselves why you feel the need to be quite so cruel.

Please
or
to access all these features

WafflesRMine · 27/11/2021 09:06

One more thing, OP, maybe choose your words more carefully in future. LOL is not always to be used lightly. I am in a group where people talked about cuisine. One member asked an innocent question poorly but added a 'lol' at the end. That riled up a lot of people who thought he was being a racist. WE are ADULTS who do not need to keep using lol unless in direct response to a joke.

Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 09:09

But the friends themselves - the very close friends

Have been more “harsh” than anyone here

And that leads me to believe that - they e just had ENOUGH of this kind of behaviour from the op

Please
or
to access all these features

EdgeOfTheSky · 27/11/2021 09:10

There are some very nasty replies here.

The OP says they suffer from MH issues, and seems to have had an anxiety attack or similar on the night before the holiday.

The friends could have put their energy into sorting their own snow tyres, sorting insurance to drive the OP’s suitably equipped car, arranging alternatives transport or talking calmly with the girlfriend about whether she would go, and drive.

OP; your girlfriend was there, witness to the details of the various communications and your state of mind. Does your girlfriend feel you should refund costs to the others?

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.