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TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.
277

Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 01:05

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

OP's posts:
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Alltheblue · 27/11/2021 11:16

You were right to refund them.

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eggandchips33 · 27/11/2021 11:19

@lightisnotwhite if you think calling someone an entitled twat when they are experiencing MH issues is 'making a valid point' then I don't hold out much hope for you either.

It's fine to disagree with OPs behaviour. I said myself it was unfair and frustrating for her friends. But to carry on with a pile on that includes personal insults towards someone who is clearly struggling...grim and classless.

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NataliaSerene · 27/11/2021 11:31

Honestly if I were one of these friends I would be mad but would get over it. I definitely would have still gone on the trip with or without you?

Are they a couple also?

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/11/2021 11:34

OP you've refunded your friends which I think was right - I very much empathise with them and your "lol" text would have killed any chance of the trip for me.

Perhaps with a bit of space and time, friendship with A might be repairable. But I'd be prepared for it to be more distant and wary on her part - you will now, in her mind, have a big red flag saying "FLAKE" and it will take time for that to fade.

The thing that really strikes me is that being reprimanded (not even formally by the sounds of it) by a senior colleague has sent you into a huge tailspin, which on the face of it seems a massive overreaction. I'm wondering if you're projecting a parent-child dynamic onto the manager-report relationship?

My own father was cold, critical and only ever expressed approval at complete perfection. When I first started working, I had a very hard time taking any sort of correction or critique from managers as I experienced it as an emotional rejection. If you feel something like that might be contributing, definitely explore this in therapy.

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Schoolchoicesucks · 27/11/2021 11:36

Glad you have refunded them, OP.

Hope you are able to mend the relationships over time and that the work disciplinary incident is resolved.

Mainly hope that you are able to get some support and strategies to handle difficult and stressful situations better in the future.

I disagree with those saying it was the friends fault. They were receiving contradictory messages - you saying they should go with your girlfriend, while you are not sure your girlfriend would go without you, and your girlfriend telling them she thougt the trip would be on with all of you, again not giving them certainty that if you didn't go, she would go alone with them and the transport that was needed to get there.

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Ormally · 27/11/2021 11:37

A reaction that stands out right now, would also be to ensure you book refundable things in future. With Covid, this is also likely to be a sensible strategy to adopt. It might also have been more manageable (but hard, still), to have spoken to have the conversations, apologies, etc. It sounds as if all of this was by message from the second half of the post, and that is quite a lot different from facing things in a conversation.

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honeylulu · 27/11/2021 11:41

I'm seeing this as a more balanced situation. OP has been dramatic and not covered herself in glory. (I'm assuming her gender, apologies if wrong.) But she initially said she didn't think she'd be going but the others could go as a three. Whilst that might be disappointing especially for the GF to go without a partner, they could still go. Why start berating OP and her GF rather than make the best of going as a three? If OP felt up to it in the morning then it would be back to all four going, happy days.

But the three of them worked each other up, and horrible stuff was said. I'm struck by OP doing all the organising and that's what normally happens. I'm guessing they expected you to continue to organise/service the trip whilst away and it didn't suit them to go without you. Your GF sounds a bit limp too and just kicked the can down the road to see how you felt in the morning, rather than agreeing to a contingency plan B (going as a three if necessary). Given that A and B were already agitating they wound themselves up further at this stonewalling.

Rather than contacting you in the morning to see if you felt up to it after all, you got an aggressive character assassination and snapped back with "I'll go on my own then" . It's not great but I'm not prone to speaking kindly to people who've been overtly rude and critical.

They could have pulled it back and said "oh so if you do feel up to it can we just draw a line and start again" but you got more insults and drama.

Like I said, you've not behaved that well, and rather thoughtlessly, but I really don't think it's all on you.

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ShinyHappyPoster · 27/11/2021 11:45

@lottiegarbanzo

Yup, I've read all OP's posts now and I think responsibility lies with her GF.

She should have decided whether she was happy to leave OP at home or not and taken responsibility for that decision. She should have called the friends at a reasonable time in the morning, 9-10am and given them a firm yes or no. A yes would have included the possibility of leaving OP behind if not awake or functional, taking her along if willing.

Why did she leave them hanging until 11am? She could have woken OP herself, if knowing whether OP wanted to come was crucial to her own decision.

Your GF over-rode your own account of your own experience and your decision. She took a 'mother knows best' approach to telling other people what (she believed) you wanted.

That came back to bite her - but actually you've taken the rap. I hope that's a joint credit card.

This 'take' is so wrong, it's laughable ... but also impressive for trying to make a 'gf' responsible for someone else's bad behaviour.
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Alltheblue · 27/11/2021 11:49

Why start berating OP and her GF rather than make the best of going as a three? If OP felt up to it in the morning then it would be back to all four going, happy days.

I think it was probably obvious to the other two that the gf wasn't going to be able to leave the op if she was in that state so the reality was they had no ride and were 1000 dollars short at no notice. The gf doesn't seem to have felt able to say she'd still go, only that the op would feel better and change her mind. This left the other two with the holiday still effectively cancelled as they couldn't go without the transport.

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Tal45 · 27/11/2021 11:56

Why couldn't they go without you - do they not do things on their own without you there? If they were reliant on you to take them there I can understand their issue but when you book a group holiday there's always a chance that someone will need to bow out for whatever reason.
Unless they were reliant on you in some way for the holiday to be able to go ahead they should have gone and had a great time without you. I don't think you should have to pay them because they decided they didn't want to go without you.

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Tal45 · 27/11/2021 12:02

@Tal45

Why couldn't they go without you - do they not do things on their own without you there? If they were reliant on you to take them there I can understand their issue but when you book a group holiday there's always a chance that someone will need to bow out for whatever reason.
Unless they were reliant on you in some way for the holiday to be able to go ahead they should have gone and had a great time without you. I don't think you should have to pay them because they decided they didn't want to go without you.

Oh I see your GF had winter tyres that were needed. What a mess OP! I would just give any holidays where everyone is reliant on one person a miss because if that person is sick, has an accident, has a relative die etc etc etc it all becomes a nightmare. Get help with your issues, I'm sorry you've ended up so out of pocket, I don't think it was entirely fair as your GF said it would still be going ahead, but I don't know what else you can do.
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Alltheblue · 27/11/2021 12:04

Why couldn't they go without you

Snow chains, apparently.

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CPL593H · 27/11/2021 12:18

I really can't see how any of this is the GFs fault and it sounds like a difficult situation for her.

OP, you've done the right thing refunding. The "lol" would have annoyed me a lot, but I think friend B went a bit Gotterdammerung when the whole thing could have been pulled back on track at that point with minimal harm done.

I've had a tendency to catastrophise criticism, especially at work and getting some help with that is a good idea.

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PostcodeJack · 27/11/2021 12:46

I'm confused - presumably everyone else can still go but without you? So what's the problem?

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baileys6904 · 27/11/2021 13:16

@postcodejack. The op and the girlfriend did go.

The friends didn't

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Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 15:34

The poor GF
This kind of drama is probably her life that she lives and breathes
She didn’t handle this well, but quite honestly - she’s probably sick to the back teeth of it all

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MrsTerryPratchett · 27/11/2021 17:47

If I have the chronology straight:

OP gets a bollocking at work, goes home and texts her friends that she can't go in the trip the next day. She then goes MIA until one hour before pick up time for the friends. During the MIA time, GF is saying that OP will be OK but as far as I know, doesn't say she will give a lift regardless. A and B are stressed and thinking they can't go overnight. At 11am there's the LOL nonsense, A is OK after a chat but then A and B talk (I assume about boundaries!) and both decide not to go and demand a refund. OP and GF then go alone.

It's clear the friends were really upset overnight and possibly giving the OP the benefit of the doubt until the LOL comment.

I think it's possible that now they've been refunded, a genuine appeal to their good nature might work. I'm not surprised they were angry and shitty the next day with no sleep, stress and then feeling like mugs because of the LOL.

OP you probably can salvage it if you can really empathise. I do wonder with PP if there is a personality disorder, as this can cause this kind of meltdown and empathy failure.

And can everyone stop kicking OP? It says a fuck of a lot more about you than her. She's refunded the money and is still responding. She's outlined MH reasons (not excuses) and still there are replies which are just abuse. It's rare I hope some posters are perma-banned but there's a couple on this thread.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 28/11/2021 01:34

@Oftenithinkaboutit

But the friends themselves - the very close friends

Have been more “harsh” than anyone here

And that leads me to believe that - they e just had ENOUGH of this kind of behaviour from the op

@Oftenithinkaboutit You are MAKING THINGS UP. The OP said this has type of thing has NEVER happened before. So how can they 'reach the end of their tether'? OP also said they admitted she has been a very good friend TO THEM.

So you can stop inventing a backstory that doesn't exist to justify your nastiness and cruelty and ignorance.
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ClaudiaJ1 · 28/11/2021 01:37

@Oftenithinkaboutit

So if you’ve never ever behaved like this

You’ve always been nothing but a very good friend for many years

Then why do you think both these individuals have reacted in this way?

Because they are nasty people that's why. If all friends were nice and reasonable, we wouldn't have all the threads about a friend doing someone wrong on here that we do.
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BubbleCoffee · 28/11/2021 01:45

OP's girlfriend could have still gone on the trip. The friends should have assumed she was still going. Otherwise, they could have bought their own snow tyres and kept them for future use, or hired some, or borrowed the girlfriend's car. The friends sound inflexible to me.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 28/11/2021 01:45

@lottiegarbanzo

So it sounds like OP and her GF have a weird 'let's all treat OP like a child' relationship and have both forgotten that that's only ok within the confines of their relationship, it is not ok to impose it on other people and expect them to suck up the consequences.

Seriously, what on earth about any of the OP's posts would even suggest that?
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ClaudiaJ1 · 28/11/2021 01:47

@lightisnotwhite The OP has mentioned the affect on her friends numerous times. And she clearly has very low self-esteem. Your post is way out of order.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 28/11/2021 01:56

@Oftenithinkaboutit

The poor GF
This kind of drama is probably her life that she lives and breathes
She didn’t handle this well, but quite honestly - she’s probably sick to the back teeth of it all

What an absolutely nasty person you are!
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ClaudiaJ1 · 28/11/2021 01:59

@MrsTerryPratchett

If I have the chronology straight:

OP gets a bollocking at work, goes home and texts her friends that she can't go in the trip the next day. She then goes MIA until one hour before pick up time for the friends. During the MIA time, GF is saying that OP will be OK but as far as I know, doesn't say she will give a lift regardless. A and B are stressed and thinking they can't go overnight. At 11am there's the LOL nonsense, A is OK after a chat but then A and B talk (I assume about boundaries!) and both decide not to go and demand a refund. OP and GF then go alone.

It's clear the friends were really upset overnight and possibly giving the OP the benefit of the doubt until the LOL comment.

I think it's possible that now they've been refunded, a genuine appeal to their good nature might work. I'm not surprised they were angry and shitty the next day with no sleep, stress and then feeling like mugs because of the LOL.

OP you probably can salvage it if you can really empathise. I do wonder with PP if there is a personality disorder, as this can cause this kind of meltdown and empathy failure.

And can everyone stop kicking OP? It says a fuck of a lot more about you than her. She's refunded the money and is still responding. She's outlined MH reasons (not excuses) and still there are replies which are just abuse. It's rare I hope some posters are perma-banned but there's a couple on this thread.

It's clear the friends were really upset overnight and possibly giving the OP the benefit of the doubt until the LOL comment.

You missed the nasty and abusive essay by B, (which clearly did NOT give OP the 'benefit of the doubt') which is the reason OP wrote the LOL comment. I think most of us would react similarly if we received an abusive essay.

It's rare I hope some posters are perma-banned but there's a couple on this thread.

Agree there. A couple of posters are truly hateful and vile, and are taking out their frustrations in life on this thread.
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ClaudiaJ1 · 28/11/2021 02:11

@Dogladyxo

No I don't normally behave like this, I would of said I was a good friend to both of them. Friend A always said I set the standard how a friendship should be :(

They definitely could of gone without me.

Friend A always said I set the standard how a friendship should be

Certainly doesn't sound like the OP is a bad friend.
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