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TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.
277

Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 01:05

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

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Meadowbreeze · 27/11/2021 01:49

Just to add though, I really think it's the lol message that tipped your friends over the edge. In normal circumstances most people would say to the group sorry I'm feeling crap over this work thing, you go without me. It looks like you didn't communicate that and then sent a really rude reply.
If that wasn't the case I would say your friends are also overreacting by not going but I'm not sure here. I don't think I would've wanted to spend 3 days of my non existent American annual leave to spend time with you.

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TedMullins · 27/11/2021 01:50

I don’t get why everyone thinks they should be refunded when they could still have gone on the trip without OP but just chose not to? That isn’t her fault. Surely a normal, rational person upon receiving a “I’m too depressed to come” message would be concerned for their friend and wish them well and go on the trip, rather than flying into a rage?

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BobbieT1999 · 27/11/2021 01:52

@TedMullins

Hang on. We need more info. Did you single-handedly pay for the trip or did they pay their share to you?

I think everyone has overreacted here - you to the work situation, and them to you saying you couldn’t go. I think their reaction to that was bizarre. Similar has happened to me, a trip was planned and paid for with a group of friends and the day before, one of them had an incident that shook them up to the point they didn’t feel able to go. They apologised and said please the rest of you go without me and have a good time. The others said sorry to hear that, hope you feel better soon, and went on the trip. I don’t understand why they didn’t just go without you if it was all organised?

Did you actually send the lol message? That’s really rude if you did, but I don’t think it merits paying them back if they couldve gone but chose not to. I wouldn’t be reimbursing them, they’ve made a drama out of a molehill

This is what I think. Unless it was impossible for them to go without you, eg. were they reliant on you for transportation? Did you send them the booking and accommodation info etc that they needed to continue the trip without you?

You all sound like drama llamas to be fair!

If you left them hanging with no idea to continue the trip without you then you were bang out of order.

If nothing was stopping them from going without you while you were asleep then they needlessly overreacted. If this was the case then wait until you've all cooled down and agree how to split the cost of the cancelled trip.

If you genuinely left them high and dry then you need to reimburse them the full amount.

In either case I'd give it a few weeks and then make a gentle attempt at a reproachment.
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Gliderx · 27/11/2021 01:54

You can't do that, I'm afraid. Drop a bombshell like that and then just go to sleep and be uncontactable until 11am. Did it not occur to you that they might be rather upset and want to speak to and sort things out with you to reach some resolution? Or did you think they'd just say "OK then", accept the trip was off and go to sleep? They were probably also concerned about your mental state. So yes while you were slumbering peacefully, they were probably having quite an unpleasant time.

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CinnabarRed · 27/11/2021 01:56

Hmm. On re-reading, I find the OP’s telling of what her original message said as ambiguous. “I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me)”.

Was OP explicit that they could still go - the sentence in parenthesis - or did she assume that they would know this?

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WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow · 27/11/2021 01:56

That sounds fine @TedMullins but the OP has described sending a dramatic I’m ridden with sadness message the night before they were due to go then taking herself off to bed and making no further contact until 11 am on the day they were to leave. OP being ready to genuinely apologise would seem to suggest she knew well she’d caused upset/worry so it doesn’t seem at all like the perfectly reasonable scenario you describe.

I can’t help wondering if OP has form for this dramatic, attention seeking behaviour. Maybe this was just the last straw for the friends?

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 02:01

Sorry all still at work will reply properly soon.

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CinnabarRed · 27/11/2021 02:01

Anyway, it should be “riven with sadness”.

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TedMullins · 27/11/2021 02:03

Well that’s why I said we need more info, not just on how the costs were split but if she explicitly said go without me - although to be fair I still think a rational reaction would’ve been ‘sorry to hear that, hope you’re ok’ or similar and to still go, even if she didn’t specify! They do all sound like drama llamas I agree.

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BobbieT1999 · 27/11/2021 02:04

I can’t help wondering if OP has form for this dramatic, attention seeking behaviour. Maybe this was just the last straw for the friends?

Possible but all players in this sound equally dramatic to me.

Also, it sounds like op is from the States and they tend to be less reserved and more demonstrative with language than Brits are so the ops descriptions of her emotional state may be normal for them!

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DrGoogleSaysSo · 27/11/2021 02:11

Yes you messed up. If you hadn't been so dramatic and self-centred , you probably would have had a great time with your friends and forgotten about the worries at work for a while.
The least you can do is reimburse them.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 27/11/2021 02:21

Consequences.

Getting a bollocking is what you get for messing up at work.

Paying back your friends is what you have to do for messing your friends around.

Maybe give your phone to your GF when you're having a hard time.

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WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow · 27/11/2021 02:26

I have to say I don’t think the friends were being overly dramatic, based on OPs telling of the story. Would people really just shrug their shoulders and say Ah well, off we go then in response to that kind of message without any concern or attempt to contact the friend who then goes off radar until 11am the next day?

I’d move past that but the LOL and I’m going alone message she then sent is pretty much a fuck you response to their understandable concern and/or annoyance! Oh but then after half an hour OP regretted that too and sent lots of apologies so thinks they should have got over it and if they didn’t well, that was their choice. I mean who the hell would want to then head off on a holiday with her Hmm?

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NewtoHolland · 27/11/2021 02:38

It's a hard way to learn a lesson but you can't kick off like that as an adult even when you're overwhelmed. Perhaps having a support plan for when you go through emotional distress, so maybe use DBT skills or an app like Calm harm which gives you things you can do in the moment to de-escalate, also giving yourself time to not contact people while you're in fight or flight mode.

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Coyoacan · 27/11/2021 02:43

I saw your update, good on you for realising you need to refund them

Hold on to that ability to acknowledge when you are in the wrong and try to put it right. You messed up this time, but you are capable of learning from your mistakes, which makes all the difference.

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ISpyCobraKai · 27/11/2021 02:45

You have been an utter horror.
If you want to salvage your friendships, reimburse them and beg, basically.

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EdgeOfTheSky · 27/11/2021 02:55

I don’t understand.

When you sent the first message, why did they not just assume that they would all go without you? I know you did the booking, but the others could have just gone without you. Why were they up til 3 am worrying about it?

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safariboot · 27/11/2021 03:03

I don't think you owe them anything. Sounds like they decided to make a big deal out of it and refused to go.

I also doubt they'll be friendly to you again whether you repay them or not.

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safariboot · 27/11/2021 03:07

Also to go by some of the other replies, you're not allowed to be so upset you duck out of a trip and sleep, but these other people are allowed to be so stressed out they stay up all night just because they don't know if a trip's going ahead? That's some serious double standards going.

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RobertSmithsLipstick · 27/11/2021 03:35

It depends on whether you not going left your friends unable to.
Were you the driver, or the only one who knew the exact location?
What has your partner said about all of this?

If you left your friends high and dry and went off radar for hours then I would say they're very entitled to be so angry, but otherwise they could have just gone without you.
Another consideration is whether you have form for this kind of behaviour, because I know it would piss me right off.

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 03:39

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the late reply. To answer some questions, yes I did say all 3 go without me. (I meant it). But winter tires are needed, which only my gf has. Everyone paid for their portion of the trip to the Airbnb ect.

My gf had to answer calls from them that night being the middle man (not OK!) and assuring them it would be okay and the trip was still on. I guess she knew intuitively in the morning I would be more stable. I know it was just a downward spiral for me and I did have a breakdown. I felt out of control and the only way I felt I could cope was sleeping. Not okay to go Mia, try and sleep it off and leave them hanging. I should of called them both or woken up earlier.

I agree that the lol and I'll go alone is what really made everything so much worse. I was expecting them to be hurt and disappointed by my behaviours, but also maybe a are you okay... The message from friend B was more attacking to which I went on the defence. Still not an excuse!

Friend A called me though at noon and we had a talk and I explained how this was unacceptable and how genuinely sorry I was. She forgave me everything was okay. Then it was after friend A and B spoke she changed her mind and told me to never contact her again.

Friend B was on the attack so to speak and her and my gf then starting arguing - trust me this is way too much drama I know! She demanded my gf pay them back!

I am on 2 anti depressants for years now, however I feel I might need to make an adjustment.

It was so much drama in such a short period of time. Everyone's emotions were just shot. My mental health and complete lack of care caused me to lose 2 good friends. But I have learned from this experience.

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 03:42

No I don't normally behave like this, I would of said I was a good friend to both of them. Friend A always said I set the standard how a friendship should be :(

They definitely could of gone without me.

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Riverlee · 27/11/2021 03:45

I don’t think A and B should be refunded as they still could have gone on the trip. Op didn’t stop them going (unless op was driving them there, and they couldn’t have gone without her).

If op was Ill with covid or the flu, would they have reacted the same way?

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RobertSmithsLipstick · 27/11/2021 03:47

Well, I think they have been harsh, then.
It sounds as if it all blew up more than anyone expected, and you all got caught up in the drama.

Are these friendships salvagable, do you think?

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 03:58

My gf was the ride there. I couldn't say if my gf would of gone with them. She also reassured them I would be more stable in the morning.

It totally was a huge blow up. Friend A (best friend) made it clear to me, that since I'm not refunding her like she expects, to never contact her again :(

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