Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.
277

Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 01:05

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

SunflowerTed · 06/12/2021 23:04

I think your friends will be happy to move on with their lives !

Please
or
to access all these features

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/12/2021 20:54

@BubbleCoffee

The fact that you wouldn't/couldn't make a decision until and hour before you were due to pick them up is just ridiculous and shows how little you think of them.

Not necessarily. Anxiety can cause a 'freeze' reaction instead of fight or flight. Sometimes, in the moment, you'd do pretty much anything not to have the awful anxiety - including messing up your own life, job, relationships etc. If you reptile brain is screeching 'dangerous!' it isn't easy to disagree..

Sorry but I disagree.

I have suffered with anxiety most of my adult life and have been medicated, put through CBT, slipped in an out of depression as a result. While yes I wasn't always the best friend during the bad times, I still didn't leave 3 people hanging knowing there were financial risk.
Please
or
to access all these features

changeyourname11111 · 29/11/2021 06:31

@RobertSmithsLipstick

So, they actually want you to refund them for the cost of the Airbnb?
You can't possibly be expected to do that, when they could have gone.
Plus, even if you put that to one side, and paid up for the sake of the friendship, then it's as if you're paying to remain friends, and all very uncomfortable.

^ this
Please
or
to access all these features

mathanxiety · 29/11/2021 05:19

Agree with lottiegarbanzo about the passenger mentality of the three other individuals.

Please
or
to access all these features

BubbleCoffee · 28/11/2021 23:32

The fact that you wouldn't/couldn't make a decision until and hour before you were due to pick them up is just ridiculous and shows how little you think of them.

Not necessarily. Anxiety can cause a 'freeze' reaction instead of fight or flight. Sometimes, in the moment, you'd do pretty much anything not to have the awful anxiety - including messing up your own life, job, relationships etc. If you reptile brain is screeching 'dangerous!' it isn't easy to disagree..

Please
or
to access all these features

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 28/11/2021 20:55

As someone with anxiety which eats away at parts of my life, OP your actions would have probably sent me into a tailspin too.
And before I get jumped on, there are so many people out there (myself included) who haven't opened up to friends about anxiety or medications etc.

The fact that you wouldn't/couldn't make a decision until and hour before you were due to pick them up is just ridiculous and shows how little you think of them.

I would have tried to be there for you when you sent the first messages, but when you basically cut everyone off and left them with no idea if they could go (all depending on your gf which was leaving her in an awful situation) would have shown me that you didn't really give a shit about us, the money we'd spent and the time we'd taken out of our lives for this trip. Yeah it sounds dramatic but taking a weekend off regular life requires planning and communication.

I'm pleased you refunded them as it was your screw up, but I wouldn't write the friendship off.

I've also had much bigger blow outs with friends which we've overcome. It happens. Give them time and space to calm down, let them know that you're still there if/when they want to talk. Also, make an effort to be there for them. Just make them aware that the door isn't closed on your side without going ott or letting them get away with murder

Please
or
to access all these features

lottiegarbanzo · 28/11/2021 19:04

Maybe, maybe.

Please
or
to access all these features

unname · 28/11/2021 16:20

@lottiegarbanzo

If you read the thread, you'll discover that they needed OP's GF to drive.

It does not seem to have occurred to anyone involved that the GF could have gone without OP.

The GF repeatedly told them she would go with or without OP.

I think this is another couple and one partner got the other riled up. They didn’t want to go with just the GF ob what had been planned as a couples trip.
Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/11/2021 16:03

@lottiegarbanzo

If you read the thread, you'll discover that they needed OP's GF to drive.

It does not seem to have occurred to anyone involved that the GF could have gone without OP.

I wouldn’t want to go without my partner and Be the third wheel
Would you?
Especially if my partner was supposedly “ridden” with anxiety and misery
Please
or
to access all these features

lottiegarbanzo · 28/11/2021 16:02

Or indeed that the other two could have hired a car, or bought snow tyres - which may be to do with their being clueless and having a 'passenger' mentality.

Please
or
to access all these features

lottiegarbanzo · 28/11/2021 16:00

If you read the thread, you'll discover that they needed OP's GF to drive.

It does not seem to have occurred to anyone involved that the GF could have gone without OP.

Please
or
to access all these features

unname · 28/11/2021 14:08

@RiverSkater

If I had got this message the night before I would have been sorry you weren't coming and offered support. It's not your fault you had a crisis.

Then I would have messaged others and discussed alternative plans. Then messaged you to say are you sure etc. ? Why didn't they just go without you? Maybe it's the fallout from being clueless when making plans planning a trip and leaving it all up to you. Then taking it out on you.

Your girlfriend was in contact with them. They weren't left stranded. They could have gone. A history of good friendship. All finished now?

Your friends are adults I presume. Just not very nice ones. Against the grain I know.


This is how I would have handled it, and my friends I’m sure would also just go without me if needed.
Please
or
to access all these features

RiverSkater · 28/11/2021 13:50

If I had got this message the night before I would have been sorry you weren't coming and offered support. It's not your fault you had a crisis.

Then I would have messaged others and discussed alternative plans. Then messaged you to say are you sure etc. ? Why didn't they just go without you? Maybe it's the fallout from being clueless when making plans planning a trip and leaving it all up to you. Then taking it out on you.

Your girlfriend was in contact with them. They weren't left stranded. They could have gone. A history of good friendship. All finished now?

Your friends are adults I presume. Just not very nice ones. Against the grain I know.

Please
or
to access all these features

unname · 28/11/2021 11:15

Message deleted by MNHQ. We've removed this as it quotes a previously deleted post.

Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/11/2021 11:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Please
or
to access all these features

unname · 28/11/2021 10:55

Well, she posted what I was thinking.

Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/11/2021 10:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Please
or
to access all these features

Houseofvelour · 28/11/2021 10:37

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/11/2021 10:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Please
or
to access all these features

ClaudiaJ1 · 28/11/2021 10:04

[quote Oftenithinkaboutit]@ClaudiaJ1

What are the chances of that. You join yesterday and your first post is on this thread.

Blatantly… you are the OP!! Grin[/quote]
Heard of nickchanging? And no, I'm not the OP. I don't even live in the UK. But your attempt at deflection is....amusing. Grin

Please
or
to access all these features

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/11/2021 09:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Please
or
to access all these features

lottiegarbanzo · 28/11/2021 09:21

But all this 'worrying all night' sounds like a massive, self-stoking drama to me too. Just go to sleep and agree to discuss it at 9.00am!

Please
or
to access all these features

lottiegarbanzo · 28/11/2021 09:20

ClaudiaJ1 Sun 28-Nov-21 01:45:58
lottiegarbanzo

So it sounds like OP and her GF have a weird 'let's all treat OP like a child' relationship and have both forgotten that that's only ok within the confines of their relationship, it is not ok to impose it on other people and expect them to suck up the consequences.

Seriously, what on earth about any of the OP's posts would even suggest that?


Everything!

OP said she wasn't going. GF over-rode her decision, because GF 'knew better' that OP would want to go when she woke up in the morning.

(Backing OP's decision that evening would have allowed the friends time to get tyres or hire a car in the morning and given them a good night's sleep, because they'd have known what was happening).

GF expected everyone else to wait until OP woke up, at 11am, before continuing the discussion about whether they were going. It clearly hadn't occurred to her that she was the essential participant and she could leave OP at home.

The fact it hadn't occurred to her that she could leave OP at home is both lovely and caring and rather infantilising.

All the GF's focus was on OP, none on the friends. That suggests to me that neither of them acts like an adult with other people, because they're both so wrapped up in OP's vulnerability and need for care.

That and/or the GF is a bit flaky too.

Please
or
to access all these features

RantyAunty · 28/11/2021 06:22

I would pile on with blame or anything.

It would be a good idea to see about the meds you're taking as soon as you can. I know as women we can be easily tossed into the depression/anxiety basket by medical professionals. A PP mentioned BPD. Your description made me think of that too. Something you could ask your doctor about.
You didn't mention if you had been drinking the night of the meltdown but that could make things worse too.

It's good you already refunded the friends. I hope it works about for you. Just give them some time.

Please
or
to access all these features

mathanxiety · 28/11/2021 05:02

With the research of the vacation, those were their words, not mine.

I urge you to read Daisychain01's post on taking on too much and being the one left carrying the can.
Don't take on ambitious plans single-handed. You said upthread you did it because your friends wouldn't know where to start. Don't be a hero, you'll never be thanked and it opens you up to so much vulnerability if it all goes belly-up as it did with your MH melt-down. Keep yourself safe, don't expose yourself to a "car-crash" any more.

Don't be an unhealthy empath. Your friends will never learn adult skills if you do it all for them.
Do you do this at work too?

You need to work on porous boundaries.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.