TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.

[Dogladyxo]

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

[Minorissue]

The next day, after leaving them hanging all night? Cool.

[IllManneredBitch]

@ClaudiaJ1 the OP has said they were there for her and were compassionate and supportive when she sent the first message. It was that she then refused to communicate further until 11am the next day when she dismisssd the distress she'd caused by saying lol and telling them they couldn't go. How have you come to the conclusion that the friends are in the wrong there?

[ClaudiaJ1]

[quote IllManneredBitch]@ClaudiaJ1 the OP has said they were there for her and were compassionate and supportive when she sent the first message. It was that she then refused to communicate further until 11am the next day when she dismisssd the distress she'd caused by saying lol and telling them they couldn't go. How have you come to the conclusion that the friends are in the wrong there?[/quote]
OP and A made up and were going, until B came in and stirred up trouble again and turned A against the OP, thus cancelling on OP.

Seriously, how can you not possibly see how A and B are at fault, especially B who, with her 'essay' and then turning A against OP, even after they made up, is at fault? How can you possibly see that a friend in need who had a breakdown and needed support is at fault? I am absolutely f'ed if I know how you can possibly come at that angle.

[Fairylights25]

I seriously wonder how long and how many situations the two friends have already put up with in the past claudia I can imagine that this is not the first time op has pulled a stunt like this.

[Fairylights25]

I think the LOL message was the final straw for A and B Claudia
As it would be for most people.

[Fairylights25]

It hardly matters now. The friends have been refunded.

Op now does not have these two people as friends anymore, hopefully she has learnt a lesson or two and can research some strategies for the next time she feels a meltdown is coming. It needs addressing or her life will be constantly blighted by it.

[Dogladyxo]

@Fairylights25

I seriously wonder how long and how many situations the two friends have already put up with in the past claudia I can imagine that this is not the first time op has pulled a stunt like this.

Why do you keep mentioning this? This has never happened before. I was a great friend to them both, also their words.

[Minorissue]

@Fairylights25 entirely agree. OP behaving like it’s ok for her to be anxious and upset and that should be all understood, but being aggrieved and offended when her actions cause the same reaction in others. Why the hell would anyone want to share a house with someone after that behaviour - holiday ruined before it even begun and half a day of annual leave wasted before ok could be bothered to respond to the situation. Clear Gf hadn’t agreed to crack on and go without op before then despite being in contact all night.

[Dogladyxo]

I feel horrid and very regretful as I've stated. I will seek help on this.

[Dogladyxo]

It does make me sad that me and Friend A had spoke on the phone and had a heart to heart. She said she didn't want to lose the friendship over this. Then completely changed after talking to Friend B, but I can understand that as well :(

[Fairylights25]

You have op, and I think that is to your credit. As you have refunded them and apologised there might be a way back, if this is genuinely the first time it has happened and the friendship has been great before.

Time is a great healer, and they may get over it and move on. One day it maybe become a story you laugh about.

I don't think you can blame them for being sad, equally you have your reasons. I hope it works out.

[Dogladyxo]

@Fairylights25

It hardly matters now. The friends have been refunded.

Op now does not have these two people as friends anymore, hopefully she has learnt a lesson or two and can research some strategies for the next time she feels a meltdown is coming. It needs addressing or her life will be constantly blighted by it.

I agree, thank you for these honest words as they are eye opening.

[IllManneredBitch]

@ClaudiaJ1 you keep saying the friends didn't support OP but she said that they did support her.

Friend B's 'essay' is quite understandable after the OP had put them through a night of worry, got herself a good rest and then decided she was fine after all. And the OP's response to her friend's upset was 'lol' and to tell them she was going without them.

Maybe Friend A was prepared to let the OP put them through stress, laugh at their upset, uninvite them and then change her mind but I think Friend B's refusal to put up with it is fair. The whole trip was utterly poisoned from the moment OP sent the lol message and would have been awful - because of OP's behaviour, not theirs.

[ExitWest]

You behaved badly, but I think the whole thing is a massive overreaction on everyone’s part.

[Fairylights25]

I agree with exit. No one comes out of looking especially reasonable.

[CiaoEB]

@Dogladyxo

Thank you for all the advice.

There is a non consensus, however every message I read I'm saying yes that's true.

Not many people can do that either, try to look at advice objectively and take negative feedback in a non-defensive way. That’s a really good skill to have, I don’t think your friendship is a lost cause if you can do that.

[ChristmasScrooge]

You need to refund them. You over reacted.

[SmileyClare]

I think your girlfriend comes out of this as the reasonable one. How does she feel?

She had to deal with your friend's frantic phone calls, she had to reassure everyone, she had to drive, she had to go along with you on the trip, when you decided to go at the last minute. although you probably weren't great company.

She sounds like a star. Poor woman.

[Thatsplentyjack]

I could forgive you for the first message, but to then say "lol, I'm going on my own" (is that what you said?) Would probably make me so mad I would never want to speak to you again.

[Dogladyxo]

@Thatsplentyjack

I could forgive you for the first message, but to then say "lol, I'm going on my own" (is that what you said?) Would probably make me so mad I would never want to speak to you again.

I probably wouldn't want to speak to me ever again either. It was coming from a very wrong place in my head and I regret it deeply.

[Dogladyxo]

@SmileyClare

I think your girlfriend comes out of this as the reasonable one. How does she feel?

She had to deal with your friend's frantic phone calls, she had to reassure everyone, she had to drive, she had to go along with you on the trip, when you decided to go at the last minute. although you probably weren't great company.

She sounds like a star. Poor woman.

She is a true star! She is also 50/50 on this whole thing. Friend B really berated her and lashed out for her to pay them back.

[Gliderx]

You've done what you can. If you've refunded them and apologised, the ball is now in their court to see if they can move past this. It's not just the money, it's the wasted time off, disappointment, sleepless night and uncertainty. And hurt.