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TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.
277

Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 01:05

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 06:17

@RobertSmithsLipstick

Your right, I never stopped them from going. And it would be because of how I hurt them.

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Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 06:19

You are looking for a way to avoid paying them back op.

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 06:20

@tara66

Don't undertake arrangements concerning other peoples money and plans if your mental health is so fragile.

I do very much agree, thank you.
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RobertSmithsLipstick · 27/11/2021 06:22

Its difficult to say what you should do.

I'm swaying more towards the "fuck 'em" camp, but of course these things are easier said than done.

I think if you pay up, though, then the friendship is effectively finished, since it will have been reduced to a point where you have 'compensated' them at their insistence.

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MeltedButter · 27/11/2021 06:26

Going against the grain here. They are grown adults why couldn't they go without you? I don't think you need to refund them the whole trip, they decided not to go.

As a good will gesture maybe give them back a quarter of it but only if you want to.

People have quoted you saying you cancelled the trip. But you didn't. Unless you had all there tickets etc.

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Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 06:26

Going by your responses on here I am beginning to think your friends have had a lucky escape. You are not doing the decent thing, you wrecked the holiday and by extension the friendship, I very much doubt this is the first problem they have had with you, and now you are looking for a way out of doing the right thing.
Don't bother paying them back, and forget about them and when you find you have zero friends left because of the shoddy way you treat people you will only have yourself to blame!

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SeanMean · 27/11/2021 06:26

You definitely have to reimburse them.

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Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 06:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

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Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 06:29

I’d reimburse 100%
This very minute

And I’d write them a letter apologising and saying I’d like to take them out for dinner

You won’t though
6 hours you started this thread
Loads said you should reimburse and you’re still navel gazing and waffling on about it

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Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/11/2021 06:30

[quote Dogladyxo]@RobertSmithsLipstick

Your right, I never stopped them from going. And it would be because of how I hurt them.

[/quote]
You did stop them going
You are the only one who had winter tyres
So they couldn’t get there

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MsWalterMitty · 27/11/2021 06:30

The fact that you actually went on the trip means that you have to reimburse them!!!!

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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 06:32

@Fairylights25

Going by your responses on here I am beginning to think your friends have had a lucky escape. You are not doing the decent thing, you wrecked the holiday and by extension the friendship, I very much doubt this is the first problem they have had with you, and now you are looking for a way out of doing the right thing.
Don't bother paying them back, and forget about them and when you find you have zero friends left because of the shoddy way you treat people you will only have yourself to blame!

Wow..... What about the shoddy way those 2 nasty 'friends' treated her? Confused She needed them. Where were they for her?

I would much rather be OP's friend than friend of bitch A and bitch B. I guess your definitions of 'shoddy' and 'friends' are completely different and polar opposite to mine. Confused Hmm
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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 06:34

I already sent the refund.

I don't have winter tires, my gf does.

I feel like I need to leave them be, as I do believe the hurt I've caused is not able to be reversed.

I can only try and learn from this experience and I appreciate the honest answers.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 06:34

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NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 06:35

@MeltedButter

Going against the grain here. They are grown adults why couldn't they go without you? I don't think you need to refund them the whole trip, they decided not to go.

As a good will gesture maybe give them back a quarter of it but only if you want to.

People have quoted you saying you cancelled the trip. But you didn't. Unless you had all there tickets etc.

They didn't have the right vehicle.
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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 06:38

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Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 06:39

Wow..... What about the shoddy way those 2 nasty 'friends' treated her? confused She needed them. Where were they for her?

Op had a meltdown and created a huge problem
She knew they couldn't go without her as they didn't have winter tires
Op went anyway so I am not sure why they are nasty?!!!

They are the out of pocket, missed a trip, had to contend with op's bad work day and bad behaviour and still you think they are the bitches in all this? Okay........ Confused We obviously have different ideas of how to treat and care for friends.

I am glad you refunded them op.

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ShinyHappyPoster · 27/11/2021 06:39

You created a massive drama which meant their entire trip was dependent on your mood the next morning. They couldn't go without you because they needed you gf to drive. If you hadn't come out of your mood by the next morning would she have left you alone? It doesn't sound like it because her reassurances were based round hoping you'd be better - not based on going without you.
Having anxiety and depression is no excuse for being so manipulative. You wanted them to prioritise you and pander to you. When they were annoyed instead you sent a lol message. You treated them appallingly. You need to pay them back and I agree with the PP who suggested counselling. You treated your friends badly but you also treated your gf badly and from her response to your dramatics, it sounds like she often bears the brunt of your moods and dramas.

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IllManneredBitch · 27/11/2021 06:40

They couldn't go without her as they didn't have winter tyres.

The OP says they were kind and compassionate but then the OP went to sleep and didn't communicate further, leaving them stressed and uncertain all night about the trip.

Then the OP decided she was fine after leaving them hanging overnight til 11am on the day they were supposed to be going. I'm not surprised Friend B at this point explained just what the OP had put them through and how stressful it had been for them. The OP's response of 'lol' and that the friends couldn't come anymore is where the OP's behaviour becomes unforgivable. How could they go away with her after that?

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Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 06:40

And THEIR feelings are irrelevant Claudia?

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Minorissue · 27/11/2021 06:41

@ClaudiaJ1 @Momijin. The op has repeatedly said the only person with a suitable car with snow tyres was her own gf- friend a and b were wholly reliant on GF to drive and gf wasn’t clear as to whether she would go without op. You can’t just ‘go without them’ when there is no transport. This appears to be in a mountainous area in America where tyres are required/checked before people are allowed to proceed on certain roads. Not uncommon in places like Lake Tahoe etc and I assume no public transport which is also not uncommon

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NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 06:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

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Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 06:42

Anyone that sends LOL to a friend in a situation like this is beneath contempt. It would be the end of a friendship for me, so disrespectful.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 06:42

@Fairylights25

Wow..... What about the shoddy way those 2 nasty 'friends' treated her? confused She needed them. Where were they for her?

Op had a meltdown and created a huge problem
She knew they couldn't go without her as they didn't have winter tires
Op went anyway so I am not sure why they are nasty?!!!

They are the out of pocket, missed a trip, had to contend with op's bad work day and bad behaviour and still you think they are the bitches in all this? Okay........ Confused We obviously have different ideas of how to treat and care for friends.

I am glad you refunded them op.

OP said she would go.

They were the ones who decided not to go.

They are only out of pocket because they flaked out at the last moment.

OP had a bad day at work and was clearly distressed, and all she needed was support. Where were her two 'friends' when she needed them? Where? And you think the OP is the 'bad' one? Just....WOW. Damn right we have different ideas of how to treat and care for friends! Confused Sad
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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 06:43

[quote Minorissue]**@ClaudiaJ1* @Momijin*. The op has repeatedly said the only person with a suitable car with snow tyres was her own gf- friend a and b were wholly reliant on GF to drive and gf wasn’t clear as to whether she would go without op. You can’t just ‘go without them’ when there is no transport. This appears to be in a mountainous area in America where tyres are required/checked before people are allowed to proceed on certain roads. Not uncommon in places like Lake Tahoe etc and I assume no public transport which is also not uncommon[/quote]
OP said she was going. It was the two 'friends' who pulled out.

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