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TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.
277

Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 01:05

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

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CiaoEB · 27/11/2021 04:02

By refunding them so that part is sorted there’s more chance that you can try to build bridges to keep your friendship alive. That will show them how seriously you’ve taken it and you acknowledge the situation wasn’t acceptable. They probably feel angry but it would be the trust and be working on the most. I’d probably write a heartfelt letter or something, don’t try to minimise it, just apologise and try to move on.

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RobertSmithsLipstick · 27/11/2021 04:06

So, they actually want you to refund them for the cost of the Airbnb?
You can't possibly be expected to do that, when they could have gone.
Plus, even if you put that to one side, and paid up for the sake of the friendship, then it's as if you're paying to remain friends, and all very uncomfortable.

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Ophanim · 27/11/2021 04:10

YAVBU

You said they could have gone without you but you also said that winter tires would be needed. You said only your GF had them. You also said you didn't know if your GF would still go. Way too much uncertainty. How much time would it have given them to get winter tires sorted? If you're somewhere like me it's a crappy time to try and get winters at the drop of a hat.

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SleepyMathematician · 27/11/2021 04:11

I think your only chance to even start to make things better is to refund them and go from there. They still booked holiday for it though, you can’t change that. But give them a refund - any way possible - and then give it time. Then learn from it.

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Chocaholic9 · 27/11/2021 04:27

I think the right thing to do is to refund them.

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nocnoc · 27/11/2021 04:53

You behaved badly and ruined two peoples holiday plans. I’m guessing it was the tip of the iceberg for friend A and she’s had enough. She sounds like a lovely person. I don’t understand why your original reaction to bad work was to rip at your friends? Surely going away with best friends would be something to help get over a bad situation? I wonder if you need CBT.

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A580Hojas · 27/11/2021 04:57

What a horrible few days you have had OP Flowers. Your work situation sounds nasty and then this on top of it. I think if these people really were proper friends they could have tried to be more understanding. Did your partner make it clear to them she would have been willing to go without you or was she reluctant to leave you home alone?

Perhaps they could have gone but it wouldn't have been a fun trip in the circumstances. The right thing to do is to find a way to reimburse them and I'm glad you've realised that.

If there's any way you can do it ... is it maybe time to start quietly looking for another job as well as adjusting your depression/anxiety medication.

You never know, your friends might feel bad in time and come back to you. I have had a pretty big row blow over in a good friendship ... it can happen. But give them a while and do find a way to pay them back for their lost trip.

It's clear that your illness meant you didn't deal with this whole thing very well and hopefully they will calm down, reflect and want to make up with you in time.

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BobbieT1999 · 27/11/2021 04:58

Actually I'm still coming down on the side of not needing to refund them - ish !

OK so it was a big old drama all around...

But your gf was talking to them - it's not as if you just left them hanging and they could have still gone without you. I think the provisio to this is whether they would have been comfortable going with your gf or not?

Although your meltdown triggered it, and your text in the morning was definitely out of order, I think a compromise is the best way forward here not complete capitulation on your part.

Friend A had forgiven until Friend B got her all riled up. Friend B seems to have gone off on one and seems to have made a molehill-turned-mountainous into a bigger mountain.

Give them both time to cool off. If you're grovelling, back off for a bit.

Then sort out a generous bouquet of flowers for each of them with an apology note. Apologise with dignity.

I still think a fair response would be to part refund them but I don't think you're wholly to blame for the entire mess.

You do need to establish what the biggest offence for them was: your melt down or That Text When You Woke Up?

If the latter, that's harder to come back from I think.

As an outsider, I think you might have a change of salvaging things with Friend A with some time, space and consideration. Friend B needs to climb down a bit...With a formal apology you might achieve a thawing with her but seems likely that friendship is over.

But I agree with pp that even if you shoulder the whole blame and they forgive you things are always likely to be unbalanced in the future. For things to last, you need to find a solution which both parties of the each friendship feel is just.

I hope things are OK with you gf and good luck Flowers

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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 05:03

I am going against the flow here. I think your friends have been quite lacking in compassion to you. They knew you were struggling and having a hard time. Instead of saying 'come with us, we'll be here for you, well have a special time' etc, they immediately thought of only themselves and how they were inconvenienced. Not of their friend in need. 'Friend' B sounds particularly nasty and spiteful, and she actively worked to turn Friend A against you when you both worked it out and were ok.

As for paying them back, well, it can be argued both ways, but I would say stuff 'em. They at the end pulled out, their decision. They should swallow the costs since it was their decision not to go.

I feel sorry for you. You needed support, help, a soft place to land with your friends, instead all you got was long essays, abuse and friend B turning friend A against you. You needed them and they emotionally abandoned you. Fuck 'em. I'd send a last message to them telling them how hurt and disappointed you are in them, and in A in particular since she was so easily persuaded by trouble maker B. How you needed them and they weren't there, and you realise you deserve better. Then find better friends.

FlowersCakeCakeCake

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IWasHotInTheNineties · 27/11/2021 05:05

@Dogladyxo

I appreciate everyone's advice - it has opened my eyes and I feel more terrible.

I can't afford to pay out of pocket we're talking $1,000 :(


They can’t afford to waste it either.
How utterly selfish of you.
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Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 05:16

I would refund them 100% and find the money.

I would write to both and say your mental health is awful, and you are so sorry this has ruined the break for everyone and you hope they will forgive you in time.

I understand you overreacted to your bad work day, but you say there is more to it, I would speak to your doctor and explain that you are behaving irrationally and it is affecting your life.

Friend A may come back in time with a refund and an apology. Friend B sounds dead in the water. Sometimes we make mistakes, be kind to yourself, do what you can to fix it, move on.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 05:17

It was their choice to not go and thus waste the money @IWasHotInTheNineties . Their choice to waste the money. Not the OP. She said she'd go. They chose not to. They should suck it up, AND pay the OP her share.

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tara66 · 27/11/2021 05:24

Don't undertake arrangements concerning other peoples money and plans if your mental health is so fragile.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 05:25

Been thinking about this more. The more I think about it OP the more I think they owe you a refund, not the other way around. They weren't supportive, turned on you, then said they were not going. Their actions led to this. They are the ones who ruined it. They are the ones who pulled out, so they owe YOU.

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 05:33

Thank you for all the advice.

There is a non consensus, however every message I read I'm saying yes that's true.

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TreeSmuggler · 27/11/2021 05:35

It was their choice to not go

Its not that simple though, if you've planned a weekend away with four people then two of them can't be arsed coming at the last minute, the trip isn't going to be the same. A and B probably wouldn't have planned a weekend away if they knew it was just them, or they would have planned a different location/activity.

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mathanxiety · 27/11/2021 05:36

You have a boundary problem.

You treated your manager/director like God and went into tailspin after your encounter with him. You treated your partner and friends like children (they didn't know where to start researching the vacation so you did it all). Then you spent many hours of radio silence and expected them all to just fall in line when you got your act together.

Of course you have to refund them.

Find counseling to work on your unrealistic expectations of other people and letting bad reviews affect you.
Were you not expecting a reprimand from your boss?
Has something like this happened before with these friends?

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 05:37

I just scrolled through the group chat and when I initially told them I was unable to go, they were very supportive and told me everything would be okay.

It was because I never replied, and messaged at 11 am, was when Friend B popped off.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 27/11/2021 05:38

@TreeSmuggler

It was their choice to not go

Its not that simple though, if you've planned a weekend away with four people then two of them can't be arsed coming at the last minute, the trip isn't going to be the same. A and B probably wouldn't have planned a weekend away if they knew it was just them, or they would have planned a different location/activity.

But OP said she'd go. It is friends A and B who pulled out.

So they are the ones who ruined it.
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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 05:48

@mathanxiety

I agree I did go into a tailspin, I recognize how unhealthy this was and I'm currently in counselling.

With the research of the vacation, those were their words, not mine.

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Momijin · 27/11/2021 05:57

Has the trip happened yet?

I don't understand why they didn't go without you.

However, I also have experience of flaky friends and it is bloody annoying. To organise stuff, coordinate everything and then for someone to bail is annoying because the dynamic changes.

We've organised trips away with uni friends and there is a friend who sometimes cancels, but is always involved and wants to come. We had to arrange a different accommodation once because she said she wasn't coming, then change it again when she said she was coming. She also will delete herself off the whatsapp group which is really annoying as then you feel like you have to private message her and she always comes up with a silly excuse. I mean just turn notifications off if you don't want to read it.

But I don't understand why they didn't go without you.

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 06:00

@ClaudiaJ1

This was my thinking. They knew that everything we booked and paid for was non refundable. However I made it pretty hard for them to want to go.

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Dogladyxo · 27/11/2021 06:02

@Momijin

Yes, the trip just happened. Gf and I did go and had an okay time, but I really missed my friends and overall just felt like a shit person.

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Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 06:05

I think you ruined it for them op. How can they go along like nothing has happened when they were feeling so upset and annoyed? It almost makes it worse that you went anyway.

Refund them and do the decent thing.

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RobertSmithsLipstick · 27/11/2021 06:08

All you would be doing is refunding them because you pissed them off, hurt their feelings.
You didnt actually stop them from going.

I'm not sure how they could take the money, in all good faith, considering your previous friendship history.

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