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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messaging with woman from work

245 replies

Antonbris · 26/11/2021 20:18

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 27/11/2021 17:19

Navel gazing drivel. Christ, just stop. No idea how your colleague has managed to message you for months, your replies on here are the same thing over and over.

NowEvenBetter · 27/11/2021 17:23

Does she fancy me?
Do you think she fancies me?
Do you think she could fancy me?

CC your wife into the chat, ask if she thinks the woman fancies you.

Sonaftersonafterson · 27/11/2021 17:31

She's after you. You know that though.

Stop. It's a dangerous game and ends in tears almost every single time.

curlygirlcrying · 27/11/2021 17:35

FFS grow a pair and stop.

LolaSmiles · 27/11/2021 18:50

Dear me *OP. The fact you're obsessing about this woman's motivations makes it really obvious that your intentions aren't as innocent as you claim. Either you fancy her or you're hoping for an ego boost by people saying she fancies you.

I message male friends at all hours. They make me laugh, I enjoy their company and crucially DH knows about the friendship and that we message. I've never spent hours of my life wondering what their intentions are, and highly doubt they've ever sat at home wondering whether I fancy them because sometimes we message til midnight.

MsDogLady · 27/11/2021 19:22

I’m not trying to make anything happen

But plenty is happening.
*For 4 months you’ve chosen to move forward with something you knew would hurt your Wife.
*You are secretly opening up to another woman and enjoying her company.
*The level of contact has changed. The frequency has ramped up and the timing has extended to bedtime.

Do you ever mention your Wife by name in a personal way during all these chats?

Crystalvas · 27/11/2021 19:50

@MsDogLady

I’m not trying to make anything happen

But plenty is happening.
*For 4 months you’ve chosen to move forward with something you knew would hurt your Wife.
*You are secretly opening up to another woman and enjoying her company.
*The level of contact has changed. The frequency has ramped up and the timing has extended to bedtime.

Do you ever mention your Wife by name in a personal way during all these chats?

You know this is the type of behaviour that leads to emotional affairs. Think about what your doing.
BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 27/11/2021 20:12

Oh wow, 183 messages on this thread when all the OP has to do it NOT RESPOND to the messages.

Why is this complicated?

Crystalvas · 27/11/2021 20:20

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Oh wow, 183 messages on this thread when all the OP has to do it NOT RESPOND to the messages.

Why is this complicated?

Maybe hes tsking the piss or its not a genuine thread. Either way hes an arse.
Alcemeg · 27/11/2021 20:31

Not sure why everyone's giving you such a hard time, OP. You seem to have triggered some projections, for sure.

That said, this shouldn't mean enough to you to post a thread on MN. As you should know by now, starting a thread here is terrifying!

Solutions are simple:
(1) stop replying
(2) leave wife and hope for the best

Option (2) might hold water for you, for reasons you haven't disclosed.

Or you might be a total sleazebag, who knows 😋

What else can we say?!

Good luck

tarasmalatarocks · 27/11/2021 22:45

OP- she may well fancy you or she could just be a bit bored and you are playing along boosting each other’s egos— the question is what you do about it. Her motive is irrelevant - why don’t you ask your wife what she thinks???

Philly1234 · 28/11/2021 01:54

Your poor wife and children. Yet another entitled individual, not prepared to take responsibility. Not only should you stop this ego-stroking bullsh*t, I actually think you should fess up to your wife. Let her have a look at your phone so she can decide for herself if you’ve just redefined the boundaries of your marriage without involving her. And describing this colleague as a ‘friend’. Oh please.

RantyAunty · 28/11/2021 06:32

What is your wife doing while you're messaging her and other people in the evenings?

Thewookiemustgo · 28/11/2021 06:55

“As I said there's been no inappropriate content to our conversations, yet I know if I told my wife she'd hit the roof.”

So you know you are hiding something from your wife which would hurt and upset her, you know you prefer to message back and forth with attractive office woman in the evenings rather than talk to your wife and family, but you need a bunch of randoms to explain to you why this is a bad idea?
You keep asking what her motivations might be. It’s like a teenager asking his mates if they think that Mary in the fourth form fancies them.
A) she’s doing it because she fancies you
B) She doesn’t fancy you but it’s an ego boost
C) She’s bored
D) There isn’t a D because none of the above or what her motivation is matters.

Your motivation is where your answer lies. Why are you pursuing it? Stop lying to yourself and ask yourself why this is so much fun. Why your wife would “hit the roof”.
It’s wrong, you know it’s wrong, you’re an adult in a marriage. Act like one. This thread is a real head scratcher. Not.

NC101NC · 28/11/2021 07:13

The fact you've 'suggested' that you stop messaging. If a friend said this to me, I'd find it very odd. So clearly you both know that it isn't ok.
If you want it to stop, then you need to take action and stop it. Not asking permission or suggesting to the other that you stop, and when she says no, you just carry on.
If I saw that on my DP's phone, I'd be so hurt and angry.

YukoandHiro · 28/11/2021 07:53

Genuinely no @Not2Trust - I had absolutely no hope or expectation of them breaking up and actually started another (casual) relationship at that time.
Honestly I think that what happened was because I totally did not think he was ever going to be a romantic partner I was totally myself with him as a friend and that's why the relationship eventually developed.
For the record he didn't even tell me they'd broken up until about four months after they had and he'd found a new home etc. I was really surprised and had no idea. They were together for less than 3 years. I considered that a LTR at the time as I was only in my 20s. Maybe I wouldn't now tbh.

FartNRoses · 28/11/2021 09:08

Are you sure you're a man messaging a women? Reads to me like the other way round

Bagelsandbrie · 28/11/2021 09:10

@RantyAunty

What is your wife doing while you're messaging her and other people in the evenings?
If she’s anything like me she’ll probably be asleep! I go to bed at 9.30/10 - I’m up at 5.30am with the dc, I have no idea what my dh does downstairs after that time. I mean, I trust my dh so I couldn’t care less, I suspect he’s just watching rubbish on tv but I think for a lot of couples it’s very easy to sit there messaging other people.
Dozer · 28/11/2021 09:30

Yuck yuck yuck to ‘this random woman from work isn't worth ruining my marriage over’. Take some personal responsibility.

Correct that to: ‘My behaviour, frequently messaging a work acquaintance in secret, has been unfair to my wife and is a risk to my marriage’

AgathaX · 28/11/2021 11:23

You're coming across as very needy. Overthinking her motivation without examining your own. Hoping that someone agrees she fancies you, yet not owning up to fancying her. Except you have in a way since you admitted you wouldn't be messaging a less attractive older woman like this.

What does your wife do in the evenings whilst you are messaging this woman plus your other male friends plus your family? Maybe she's doing the same?

billy1966 · 28/11/2021 13:38

@AgathaX

You're coming across as very needy. Overthinking her motivation without examining your own. Hoping that someone agrees she fancies you, yet not owning up to fancying her. Except you have in a way since you admitted you wouldn't be messaging a less attractive older woman like this.

What does your wife do in the evenings whilst you are messaging this woman plus your other male friends plus your family? Maybe she's doing the same?

I agree.

If his wife finds out and NEVER looks at him the same again, it will serve the OP right.

ElsieMc · 28/11/2021 14:34

Just stop now op. She will find out. You have to think whether this colleague is worth losing your marriage over. If I found my DH was messaging another woman during evening times spent with me and the kids I don't think I could get over it tbh. Giving so much time and attention to someone outside your marriage is spelling the end of your marriage. You fancy her, she fancies you end of. She is amusing herself with you and you her but you have a lot more to lose.

ExpectingLady93 · 28/11/2021 14:42

You be suggested stopping and she's not listening. So YOU stop the communication OP. You have much more to risk than she does. This is potential to be more. I would not be happy with my husband was messaging a work colleague at 10/11 at night let alone if it was even about work or not.

ExpectingLady93 · 28/11/2021 14:43

You've*

WhenSepEnds · 28/11/2021 14:50

@Pascal80

You fancy her You love the attention You quite like the frisson every time you see a message from her You quite like having this thing your wife isn't part of You answer her messages BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. she ain't fat and fifty amirite? Why are you so disingenuous? You have messaged her for 4 months - nobody made you do it, you are not a leaf blowing in the wind, you are a man who is making a decision. It stinks of weakness and vanity
Think these are everyone's thoughts...... usually if you're asking if things are wrong, you already know the answer and are just looking for justifications
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