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Original poster

Messaging with woman from work

245 replies

Antonbris · 26/11/2021 20:18

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

OP posts:
backtolifebacktoreality · 27/11/2021 09:10

Don't respond, or if you do want to respond then leave it until, say the next morning!

Dozer · 27/11/2021 09:14

As PPs say, her motivation is irrelevant: why did YOU begin messaging a new work acquaintance, do this increasingly, are still doing it, and wondering if she fancies you?

Nasty way to treat your wife.

Original poster
Antonbris · 27/11/2021 09:15

@5128gap

Yes and no. I do enjoy talking to her and yes I would just carry on as from my point of view I'm not trying to make anything happen and I'm also wondering what her deal is. What she's getting out of it because women don't normally message me all the time.

I do recognise its wrong to be talking to a woman and hiding it, which is why I started this thread.

I will put a stop to it because this random woman from work isn't worth ruining my marriage over.

OP posts:
OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 27/11/2021 09:23

That's why I'm asking about her motivation.

Why are you ignoring so many relevant replies. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HER MOTIVATION IS.

All that matters is that you’re investing too much family time in a friendship that you know would hurt your wife. So the question is, what are YOU going to do about it now? Not what is Work Wiman going to do, or your wife, or Mrs Jenkins at number 73. You have agency here, and you can choose to do the right thing and stop responding to messages, or the wrong thing and carry on hurting your wife for the sake of an ego stroke.

Planesmistakenforstars · 27/11/2021 09:23

Why are you so painfully desperate for someone on here to tell you that she might fancy you? Clearly no one really cares whether she does or doesn't, other than you. The fact that you clearly want her to, know your wife wouldn't be happy about the messaging, and have acknowleged that you wouldn't be okay with it the other way round, means you should stop. So just grow up and stop rather than fannying around.

Signalstation · 27/11/2021 09:27

OP, give an example of a chat, with changed details, then people can give a more informed opinion.

flashpaper · 27/11/2021 09:35

There is one very obvious reason why OP is painfully desperate for someone to tell him that she fancies him...

Whether you actually want something to happen with this admittedly attractive woman you enjoy texting or whether it's just stoking your ego because she might fancy you, all you're doing is hurting your wife and putting your marriage at risk. I've heard "not worth ruining my marriage" before, by my exH who left for an OW, as I'm sure many other posters on here have too. You need to be honest with your wife so she can decide what she wants to do with the information instead of getting dangerously close to an EA and keeping it a secret from her.

furbabymama87 · 27/11/2021 09:40

You're going to lose your wife and kids for the sake of a 5 minute fling with this woman. And it'll be all your own fault.

cherrypie66 · 27/11/2021 09:43

Just put your phone away at night time I think if it's something you wouldn't tell your wife then it's probably wrong. Most wives would t be ok with their man messaging a woman at work that much even if it was only friends that's how it starts. Knock it on the head if you value your marriage

TheMILinatorReturns · 27/11/2021 09:58

Ask yourself...have you pictured her naked/imagined sex with her...if the answer is yes then you can't really be friends now...it's moved into emotional affair territory. If you continue it could transform into a full blown affair with this woman. Then you will be trying to have your cake and eat it. Here's the thing though, no one gets to have their cake and eat it without being found out eventually. It will be 100X worse for your wife to find out after it's been already going on behind her back and the fallout for your kids so much worse. It's also a very cowardly selfish thing to do. Are you a coward, are you selfish? If you want to sleep with this women (and it feels like you are asking for permission on here tbf) then the right answer is you need to break up with your wife first and tell her honestly that it isn't working for you anymore. She will want to know why. You need to be honest and say you've met someone else and you want to see how it goes with them, there is no way to reconcile. If you cannot do that then why not? I am trying to get you here to think about what it is you really want. If the answer from your point of view is "I want a nice cosy marriage with a wife who washes my clothes and does all the 'wife work' and kids stuff for me while I go off having sex with women I think are attractive and flatter my ego without any consequences for me" then do you think this is a mature approach? Do you think you should have got married at all? What about your wife and her needs, do you think she should be allowed to get some action with some men she fancies and that treat her right? Why should she waste her time on you if you aren't fully invested in the marriage? Or you think she should be a slave to you whilst you philander and your kids will totally understand (I highly doubt it!!)? Do you care about your kids, what would you do to someone who tried to upset your kids? Now imagine that someone is you as you decided to cheat instead of end it as amicably as possible. Is your ego so fragile that having it stroked by someone else is enough for you to abandon your kids and your wife at the drop of a hat and worse do it behind their backs? If so you need to work on yourself and your self esteem, frankly your wife and kids may be better shot of you anyway in which case please do as above tell them you are leaving. Have you talked to your wife about not being happy? Just because you want sex elsewhere you cannot just abandon your responsibilities. If you divorce you will be having your kids either as an arrangement potentially 50/50 with your wife or you will be paying maintenance and she will be taking half of everything including your pension. But that's fair isn't it. You made a promise when you got married, either grow a pair and decide to end it and then you can do what the hell you want as a bachelor again (with kid responsibilities!) or shut down this foolish ego stroking messenging before your wife sees it and ends the marriage for you. It will only end in tears if you don't sort this now.

Crystalvas · 27/11/2021 10:15

[quote Antonbris]@5128gap

I agree with this. She's not trying to make anything happen, online or in the office, and neither am I.

That's why I'm asking about her motivation. Women don't tend to message me, especially not in an ongoing way like this. If she wanted more surely she would have said something by now.

Maybe she is just being friendly and I'm overthinking.[/quote]
If you agree with this then why the big secret from your wife. Be honest about her if this is a friendship.

WakeuptoCake · 27/11/2021 10:25

Haven’t read the whole thread just op. It sounds like you started this thread to get our perspective on whether she fancies you or not.
I don’t think you’re bothered that it’s wrong or have intentions of stopping. You need to stop. When your wife finds out you will throw a bomb into your family and she’ll lose all trust for you. A marriage without trust is awful. Just stop. Say you’re really busy these days and don’t have time to chat. Don’t put ego stroking ahead of a happy marriage. We all have temptations when married but you know what you’re doing don’t you

TheStirrer · 27/11/2021 10:57

I have been in your wife’s position and I think you need to have an honest conversation with yourself and your wife.
My husband was messaging a colleague earlier this year in secret. Nothing untoward at all but I found out. I was deeply hurt as I had felt unhappy in our marriage for a long time, lonely and unsupported and unnoticed. I felt that he was happy to invest time with another woman but not me and revelled in the attention.
To be honest I don’t feel the same about him anymore. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong but I don’t trust him and am not sure I really love him.
Make sure if you love your wife you are not in the same position.

KaycePollard · 27/11/2021 13:15

which is why I started this thread.

Really???? Your repeated question seems to be "Why is she doing this?"

Do you want us to stroke your ego, or tell you she fancies you?

You should be reflecting on why you are directing this energy away from your wife, and why you are not reflecting on your own behaviour.

layladomino · 27/11/2021 13:21

Why do you care what her motivation is? Why does that matter to you?

If her motivation is that she fancies you, then you shouldn't be talking to her.

If her motivation is that she is just friendly and talkative, that doesn't stop the fact that you fancy her, and are giving her way too much of your emotional time. Just the posting on here shows she's in your head.

Why do you care so much what she thinks? Moreso than you wife it seems.

Monalotmoore · 27/11/2021 13:31

I think the only thing likely to make this continue is your obsession with wanting to know what her motive is. Her motive is irrelevant. Perhaps look inward a little. What is YOUR motivation if you're so happy and content in your marriage? Are you enjoying the attention? Do you wonder if she might fancy you?

Theturnofthepoo · 27/11/2021 14:11

Not read the whole thread but you do know you don’t need someone else’s permission to end the conversation just say gotta go or don’t answer. Are you a bit of a people pleaser?

Not2Trust · 27/11/2021 14:12

@Antonbris You sound like my husband. He was messaging a woman from work, the messages eventually changed from being general chit chat to her sending him some questionable messages. Not only was he messaging her in the evenings but also at the weekend, during the time we were meant to spend together and he did change in his demeanour around me. If he did this again, there is no doubt our marriage would be over. You’ve already said your wife would not be happy if she knew and the messages are secretive, so you’ve already crossed a line and you know that.

Not2Trust · 27/11/2021 14:16

@TheStirrer

I have been in your wife’s position and I think you need to have an honest conversation with yourself and your wife. My husband was messaging a colleague earlier this year in secret. Nothing untoward at all but I found out. I was deeply hurt as I had felt unhappy in our marriage for a long time, lonely and unsupported and unnoticed. I felt that he was happy to invest time with another woman but not me and revelled in the attention. To be honest I don’t feel the same about him anymore. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong but I don’t trust him and am not sure I really love him. Make sure if you love your wife you are not in the same position.
I know how you feel 💐
YukoandHiro · 27/11/2021 14:19

Just be careful that you're being honest with yourself OP. Think about what your motivations really are. This is exactly how my relationship with my husband started.
Admittedly he wasn't married but he was in a LTR (no children involved). I knew he was not on the market so I wasn't actively looking for anything either and I didn't make any moves. But I did really like him.
Eventually he broke up with her and we got together - that was 13 years, two chicken and a wedding ago.
Obviously as far as I'm concerned it all worked out great but i think if you'd have asked my DH at that time when we were just friends what he thought was happening he would absolutely not have said he was falling in love with me. I also didn't think that was happening. I assumed it was totally off the cards. But it happened.

YukoandHiro · 27/11/2021 14:20

*two children! We don't keep chickens 🤣

Theturnofthepoo · 27/11/2021 14:23

Nice

BookFiend4Life · 27/11/2021 16:04

What is your motivation for messaging her?? Why do you do it constantly if you don't fancy her?

Signalstation · 27/11/2021 16:14

@BookFiend4Life

What is your motivation for messaging her?? Why do you do it constantly if you don't fancy her?
Pertinent question. There's no way I'd continue messaging a man I didn't fancy. There's no way I'd continue messaging a married man even if I fancied him. Mind you, there are some women who get off on getting attention from married men.
Not2Trust · 27/11/2021 16:57

@YukoandHiro

Just be careful that you're being honest with yourself OP. Think about what your motivations really are. This is exactly how my relationship with my husband started. Admittedly he wasn't married but he was in a LTR (no children involved). I knew he was not on the market so I wasn't actively looking for anything either and I didn't make any moves. But I did really like him. Eventually he broke up with her and we got together - that was 13 years, two chicken and a wedding ago. Obviously as far as I'm concerned it all worked out great but i think if you'd have asked my DH at that time when we were just friends what he thought was happening he would absolutely not have said he was falling in love with me. I also didn't think that was happening. I assumed it was totally off the cards. But it happened.
Personally I could never get involved with a man like this, if he so easily left a LTR for you, then he would easily leave you for another woman. I think what you’re saying as you were friends, you were hoping the messaging would turn into more and when it did it ‘worked out great!’ You can downplay it all you like but that’s what you did.