Financially secretive?

[Polecat03]

Not sure if I'm being the odd one here, or controlling, inappropriate etc so would appreciate an outsiders perspective.
Have been married 2 years, and raised getting a joint bank account a few times. It's never happened, neither of us have been very proactive about it. More recently I pushed for it a bit more, felt quite insecure just transferring my contribution to DH for savings each month and never seeing the pot.
He's always been reluctant to actually just go to the bank together and sort it out, I thought we'd just have his accounts (a savings and current) made joint and I would close mine.
He doesn't want that. He wants to open another completely separate joint account and keep his current ones as they are. He applied for another account with his bank, didn't mention it to me, and when the paperwork came through my surname was wrong (his mistake) so we couldn't proceed with that. I didn't want to do it that way anyway, I have this feeling hes still trying to keep me at arms length financially and doesn't want me to see his day to day transactions or access the savings or something?
Posting this because today a letter arrived from Monzo - again he hadn't talked to me about this, just said "oh yeah we'll both open one of those and you can link them. That's what everyone does."

What are your thoughts, am I being unreasonable or weird?
I have been stung before in past relationships like this, left with nothing etc and maybe I'm being paranoid and insecure about it. I know being married brings a degree of assurance about this stuff anyway but I can't help but feel off about his insistance on doing it this way.

It's really weird that you're transferring money to him that you never see again ☹️

If you are contributing to the savings i wouldnt stop going on until he showed me the balance, and then ask for half back and put it in your account. Stop contributing to the savings until you have transparency of them.

It really depends on what you are both happy with. I have married friends with completely separate finances, which is odd to me but fine for them. I know couples who only have a joint account and don’t have personal accounts now. Also not how I would choose to do it. I want some independence and security.

We have a joint account and a joint savings account which we equally pay in to both each month. All bills and food come out of joint, all house purchases or large items come out of joint savings. Anything else we do ourselves.

It sounds like he’s happy to have a joint account, he just wants to also keep his own. It wouldn’t bother me, but if it bothers you then you should discuss it with him.

Honestly though due to past circumstances if a partner demanded I close all my personal accounts and just have one joint account I’d run a mile.

Agree you shouldn’t be sending him money you have no oversight of. I’d stop that right now.

I'd be a bit worried about what he's hiding tbh. Debt he hasn't told you about? Cam girl expenses? Cash taken out £100 at a time towards escorts? It sounds OTT but honestly so many of the men I have worked with were dirty bastards and their wives had no clue.

You can't force a purely joint account though, I'd feel uncomfortable with that myself. Been together with my OH 12 years and we still operate under two separate accounts with a joint one for joint expenses

At the very least open a savings account of your own.

Ask for your money you have transferred back to put it in that if he won't make it joint.

Why are you sending money to an account you can't access?! That's nuts!

It's weird that he's filling out applications in your name without discussing it with you.

Woman up and start making fully joint decisions!

@treesandweeds

Why are you sending money to an account you can't access?! That's nuts!

This?

Have that money returned to you asap.

This is NOT a good sign.

Don't be naive.

More recently I pushed for it a bit more, felt quite insecure just transferring my contribution to DH for savings each month and never seeing the pot.

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
Why aren’t you saving in your own name?
That is money you will probably never see again.

Firstly stop giving him any money at all.
Secondly, I would be going nuclear and demanding to see why my savings are. As in now. today.

If he cannot show you bank statements or his online banking (not some shitty screen shot… his accounts in the browser)
something is WILDLY wrong

I think it's weird a controlling. What's his reasons? He's either hiding something or has some kind of control issue over money. Stop handing him your money now, open your own account and put into that (that would be a wise move regardless). He can keep his own accounts if that's what's bothering him, but you need a joint current account for bills that you both put into and is visible to you both. If he has an issue with that then you need answers why.
You need to protect yourself, he could leave you penniless.

Fine for him to keep his own accounts. Weird that you have to transfer him money for savings.

If he is being secretive he cannot be trusted.
Demand every penny back that you have handed over plus the interest! Place it in your own savings account.
Only he knows why he is being secretive, gambling, debt, mistress or 7 figure savings, could be anything. He could empty the savings account and run away tonight. You must protect yourself better than crossing your fingers and hoping.

i wouldn't be handing over money where i couldn't access it.

Open an account in your name only and arrange for your money to be paid into that.

I'd stop paying into the savings and set up my own. That's your money going in there, you absolutely should have full sight of it.

My husband and I had fully separate finances because we were paid in different currencies, but had it been otherwise we'd have gone with joint account for all household expenses, to be paid in monthly according to income distribution, plus a joint savings account, paid into as above, with both parties haveing full access. In addition we'd each have had our own personal accounts (my mother always told me to have 'running away' money and so did his).

I would not let ths current financial situation continue.

I also wouldn’t be handing money over with no access to the account! No way
We don’t have separate finances, there is no need

Well my mind did go there yeah, and I brought that up, is it because you've something to hide, some massive bill from an onlyfans subscription or something??

Of course he says it's nothing like that, he just wants his independence and doesn't want me to police his spending.

I've never been like that though, not in the slightest, so I don't think that's a real concern of his - that overnight I'd suddenly begin telling him what he could and couldn't spend money on?
I don't believe he really fears that, I've never shown that inclination.

I think once you're married, then yes, large purchases should be discussed (things over a pre-agreed certain cost, hundreds?) but aside from that I've accepted his hobbies and interests cost what they do and he works hard to afford them.
Now I'm wondering if they maybe cost more than he's told me, does he think I'd baulk at what he spends on himself perhaps?

I earn a lot less and as such don't spend much on myself.

Regarding the potential illicit/suspect reasons to hide his own accounts, like you mention escorts etc - I agree it's unreasonable to demand ONLY shared accounts - but then by that token, you say your husband and yourself have shared and separate accounts - couldn't yours or any man then be doing the same from his separate account? And this is where trust comes into it? Cos you can't demand completely shared everything and access to all their spending. So that part of it feels redundant now?
Or do you mean his salary goes into joint account and you'd notice large discrepancies?
Sorry attempt to reply to Juno321, not sure if it's worked on mobile.

No no and a big fat NO!

Demand to see the savings account and also have joint access to this, if he refuses tell him you want ALL your contributions back. Work out how much you've put in the pot and ask for it back

How do all the bills get paid? Who pays it, do you transfer money to him to pay the bills?

Start pooling your own savings. Tell him you either want access to the existing savings account or half the amount back you've paid in.

You're basically giving him money he could piss up the wall if he wanted to.

Absolutely crazy.

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

No no and a big fat NO!

Demand to see the savings account and also have joint access to this, if he refuses tell him you want ALL your contributions back. Work out how much you've put in the pot and ask for it back

How do all the bills get paid? Who pays it, do you transfer money to him to pay the bills?

His name on all the bills and they are direct debits from his accounts - I transfer him my contribution towards bills and savings each month. This was supposed to be an interim arrangement until we got married and "sorted things out" with accounts etc but now married two years and still doing it this way. As above, he's been cagey about joint accounts and wants to keep his separate.

Why would you close your own accounts to have only joint ones with him - how does that benefit you? That's a no from me.

His idea of keeping his own accounts but having a separate joint one in both of your names is a sensible suggestion imo.

A bit worrying that you're sending him money and don't know where it's going.

I'm actually shocked you've been transferring money over to him for savings and don't have visibility or access to that money ever again. At the very least, that account needs to be shared. If he won't, then you can both save separately.

Do you have visibility on what the bills etc are and are you paying the correct amount proportionally?

to be honest, there are a LOT of red flags here that make me nervous.

Commit to sharing a whole life together, property, children, but keep money seperate. I'll never ever understand this logic.

I'd stop giving him money straight away.

Share a savings account - that you can both access. DP and I have a joint account for all bills/mortgage/food etc etc and then our own accounts for other disposable spending. No kids. When we have kids, we will share money more than we do now.

You have the right to visibility on shared accounts. I'm 17 years with DP and we are very open with each other (lending each other bank cards etc) but even so, what's in his account is his concern.

We have a joint account for all household/joint purposes. Each of us transfers a certain amount proportionate to our incomes that covers our outgoings, including our joint savings account.

For the first account, we both have cards and use for groceries etc but ensure it doesn't dip below a certain level to facilitate direct debits. If it's heading there, we discuss that.

Our savings account is only touched when absolutely necessary and with prior discussion & agreement.

We always discuss large purchases first and agree when it suits to buy them. Either we go halves or he might buy one thing and I'd buy the next but we really consider it all family money in the end.

When I was on SMP we also had a temporary arrangement for the duration of that where he was putting in the bulk of our expenditure given I'd very little. But the discussions and agreements on what/how we spent during that time was still always joint.