Financially secretive?

[Polecat03]

Not sure if I'm being the odd one here, or controlling, inappropriate etc so would appreciate an outsiders perspective.
Have been married 2 years, and raised getting a joint bank account a few times. It's never happened, neither of us have been very proactive about it. More recently I pushed for it a bit more, felt quite insecure just transferring my contribution to DH for savings each month and never seeing the pot.
He's always been reluctant to actually just go to the bank together and sort it out, I thought we'd just have his accounts (a savings and current) made joint and I would close mine.
He doesn't want that. He wants to open another completely separate joint account and keep his current ones as they are. He applied for another account with his bank, didn't mention it to me, and when the paperwork came through my surname was wrong (his mistake) so we couldn't proceed with that. I didn't want to do it that way anyway, I have this feeling hes still trying to keep me at arms length financially and doesn't want me to see his day to day transactions or access the savings or something?
Posting this because today a letter arrived from Monzo - again he hadn't talked to me about this, just said "oh yeah we'll both open one of those and you can link them. That's what everyone does."

What are your thoughts, am I being unreasonable or weird?
I have been stung before in past relationships like this, left with nothing etc and maybe I'm being paranoid and insecure about it. I know being married brings a degree of assurance about this stuff anyway but I can't help but feel off about his insistance on doing it this way.

@category12

He's not even apologetic?

I don't think you and he are on the same team, OP.

I pointed out to him that he hadn't said sorry, seemed like he thought it went without saying, or that it wouldn't have done any good. That's his main reasoning when I question that he just hasn't said a word, that he can't say or do anything to fix it.

And that there's no point because yeah, why would I believe anything he says now -yep that's pretty much the crux of broken trust.

Have you told him you've changed your mind and would like to see the statements as he offered earlier? I think his answer will tell you everything you need to know.

The money could be transferred immediately.

Do that FIRST.

Then discuss further.

The being away says a lot.

How long are you together?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Have you told him you've changed your mind and would like to see the statements as he offered earlier? I think his answer will tell you everything you need to know.

Yes I did and he is still happy to show them to me. It doesn't mean much to me as there are other means to pay for things, there could be other bank accounts - absence of evidence won't prove anything, especially with a partner you know to be more tech savvy than you.

@billy1966

The money could be transferred immediately.

Do that FIRST.

Then discuss further.

The being away says a lot.

How long are you together?

4 years

Yes I did and he is still happy to show them to me. It doesn't mean much to me as there are other means to pay for things, there could be other bank accounts - absence of evidence won't prove anything, especially with a partner you know to be more tech savvy than you.

Ok but why not at least take him up on the offer? I'm confused as to why you wouldn't, unless you are afraid of what you'll find? Which I guess would be understandable.

I'd have half the savings back and get my own savings account if he doesn't make it joint on Monday.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes I did and he is still happy to show them to me. It doesn't mean much to me as there are other means to pay for things, there could be other bank accounts - absence of evidence won't prove anything, especially with a partner you know to be more tech savvy than you.

Ok but why not at least take him up on the offer? I'm confused as to why you wouldn't, unless you are afraid of what you'll find? Which I guess would be understandable.

Yeah I did consider fearing what I might find earlier on, when I still thought it might be a bluff. But I don't think it is. Combing through how many years of every transaction too, I don't think I could do it sharply and throughly enough to satisfy myself anyway. Should he be able recount every atm withdrawal, if he can't will I panic? There could be mechanisms in place when you pay any dodgy site that it shows up discreetly as something else on your statement. Suppose I'm being defeatist about it but my desire to ransack every device is quite low.

I think it's fine if you don't want to comb through statements. We shouldn't have to monitor our partner's spending it movements, the whole basis of a healthy relationship is trust. He's broken that.

The question now is can it be repaired? Do you want to repair it?

I think you need time. You have only just found out he's been lying to you, you must be shocked.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

I think it's fine if you don't want to comb through statements. We shouldn't have to monitor our partner's spending it movements, the whole basis of a healthy relationship is trust. He's broken that.

The question now is can it be repaired? Do you want to repair it?

I think you need time. You have only just found out he's been lying to you, you must be shocked.

I don't know if it can be repaired, I don't know how to do that? You're right that I really can't think though. How do I act in the interim? Worried no solution will come if I let this span days. Don't see a positive way forward and like I'm going to get an ephinany that fixes things.

How do you act? Just be yourself. You're upset with him, if he doesn't realise that, tell him. Tell him you are in shock and you need time to process what he's told you. Tell him you don't know how long it'll take. Do not be bullied or pressured into behaving as though everything is OK. Everything is far from OK.

Can you get some space from him? Can one of you go to stay elsewhere?

I get the impression that you are used to going along with what he wants and always trying to make him feel comfortable when he does nothing of the sort for you, doesn't even respect basic boundaries.

I sense that this is the beginning of a big awakening for you around the dynamic of the relationship and your sense of self worth.

It seems to be tied closely to money.

You know, earning little doesn't make you a lesser person, it just means you earn little. (It probably also means you are underpaid, or undervalued at work!)

You are a person of integrity and worth. Your husband does not treat you well. I wonder if you expect too little for yourself.

Whatever you would like to change can start right now. At the very least give yourself space while you absorb the shock he has delivered.

This probably far fetched but with him in the armed services, if be wondering if he has a secret child or family somewhere.

When he'd away, does he go to the same place/country?

As I said above OP— just protect yourself, keep your savings solo, don’t forget a joint account still means the other person can whip the cash- just means you can both access the info— personally only fans for me is a no, no - but that’s up to you. I think he doesn’t want that account as joint because he doesn’t like the idea you can see what he uses it for— I kind of understand that , - however s joint account for bills is a good idea— I have a horrible feeling this is going to unravel though now you have discovered he’s a bit of a lying idiot- many men can’t cope with how you feel when they realise they have been found ‘less than perfect’ in your eyes.

IMO, the worst thing is that he wasn't apologetic, about lying or about what he did. I couldn't handle the lack of remorse. I would want a sincere effort and apology and I would need to see concrete steps that he was doing the rights things to build back trust. I hate people that can't apologize, it's an enormous red flag for me.

So sorry to hear this OP. Might not be what you want to hear but I don't think you'll feel better unless you know what's going on

1st he denied everything

You pushed so he had to own up to one minimal thing to look like he was confessing and being honest. Personally I'd assume what he's confessed to is the type of the iceberg

He's not apologetic or remorseful so he doesn't think it's that bad (possibly as it's a fraction of what he's actually done throughout your marriage). He's just given what he thinks is enough to appease you without it being enough to end a marriage

Being secretive about his phone and regularly having it on do not disturb mode is an even bigger red flag for me

@50shadesofcatholic, thank you for your kind and wise words. A lot of it resonates with me. Unfortunately no, I don't have anywhere else to go to get space.

@rantyaunty His time away is in varied places, I know that's where he genuinely is and there is no secret family etc. Armed forces, not business trips by himself, I know he's there cos half our town have been sent there and whatnot.

Perhaps the best move would be to get your portion of the savings back under your sole control, by getting that account made joint and then immediately transferring your share. I’d also suggest you stop any further payments in until it’s done. Then you can consider at your leisure what you want to do going forward without that worry as well. Of course, if there’s any delay on his making the savings account joint…..

I feel like a broken record but...
YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR INTERESTS

Do not put the savings in a joint account.
If and when you split he can empty it and you are screwed.
Transfer your half of savings into an account solely in your name.

No, he does still find it a problem, he said so in the midst of the onlyfans conversation - that regardless of this (or words to that effect) he still wouldn't want to make that current account joint. He is fine to change the savings to shared, have me added to that account.
He's armed forces, we probably spend a lot more time apart than most couples.

I personally think he is still hiding stuff, his attitude sucks and your relationship is untenable. he has destroyed the trust you had and doesn't care / hasn't noticed.

Good luck and sorry this happened to you. Its such a betrayal and must be awful