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Original poster

Financially secretive?

144 replies

Polecat03 · 25/11/2021 10:19

Not sure if I'm being the odd one here, or controlling, inappropriate etc so would appreciate an outsiders perspective.
Have been married 2 years, and raised getting a joint bank account a few times. It's never happened, neither of us have been very proactive about it. More recently I pushed for it a bit more, felt quite insecure just transferring my contribution to DH for savings each month and never seeing the pot.
He's always been reluctant to actually just go to the bank together and sort it out, I thought we'd just have his accounts (a savings and current) made joint and I would close mine.
He doesn't want that. He wants to open another completely separate joint account and keep his current ones as they are. He applied for another account with his bank, didn't mention it to me, and when the paperwork came through my surname was wrong (his mistake) so we couldn't proceed with that. I didn't want to do it that way anyway, I have this feeling hes still trying to keep me at arms length financially and doesn't want me to see his day to day transactions or access the savings or something?
Posting this because today a letter arrived from Monzo - again he hadn't talked to me about this, just said "oh yeah we'll both open one of those and you can link them. That's what everyone does."

What are your thoughts, am I being unreasonable or weird?
I have been stung before in past relationships like this, left with nothing etc and maybe I'm being paranoid and insecure about it. I know being married brings a degree of assurance about this stuff anyway but I can't help but feel off about his insistance on doing it this way.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/11/2021 13:06

So, let him have his current account if it's so precious to him - but start a joint one as well and have the household bills etc going from that?

What objection does he have to that?

Have you sorted out the savings issue?

Elieza · 27/11/2021 13:14

Sounds like he is hiding something.

Maintenance to an ex for a child you don’t know about?

Another wife you don’t know about?

Call girls and can girls while he is away doing his armed forces work?

Drugs? Computer in game purchases of thousands?

Hiding money so in the event of divorce he can pretend to not have much so he doesn’t have to give you much? He could be thinking of leaving you?

Something isnt right here. I’m sorry but I’d be well not impressed to the point I may actually be reconsidering the relationship. I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if he chose to spend his hard earned cash on shite. As long as he contributed a fair amount to joint household costs and holidays etc. The rest is his business. However in light of his weirdness I’d be wanting to see all his accounts now and get my savings out and transferred now.

He’s gaslighting. There is something going on. You deserve to find out what.

Sorry

angeltattoo · 27/11/2021 13:15

It's so strange, but ok if that's what he wants. But he needs to propose a solution going forward. At a minimum that would be joint account and access to savings AND a new joint account for all DDs and household bills. Salaries into that and an amount transferred for savings. Or you both get paid into your own accounts and transfer enough each month into the joint DD/bills account.

I am sure we had to open our joint account when we got a mortgage together, as a condition of the mortgage.

He's lied all the way (saying it can't be converted to a joint acct) and I would be wondering what was going on if my husband had his phone on do not disturb and I didn't know the passcode.

angeltattoo · 27/11/2021 13:16

Do not hand over another penny for savings and ask for what you have previously contributed back too.

Did you see the balance of the savings account?

sosickofthisshit · 27/11/2021 13:19

What about the savings and you having access to that account? He is dodgy as hell, and I wouldn't be giving him another penny until you have access to all joint funds

honeylulu · 27/11/2021 13:23

Nothing wrong with hybrid joint and several accounts and spending in my view but his secretive behaviour looks increasingly worrying.

The solution in a practical sense is to open a new joint account for all household bills and expenses. Transfer all direct debits to it. You each get your salary paid to your separate accounts and then have a dd to transfer an agreed amount into joint account the day after payday. Proportionate to earnings is fair. The rest of your money is separate and private.
The savings account ought to be joint if you're paying in. If he won't then he needs to transfer your share and you start your own savings account. This is what me and my husband do.

BUT there isn't a huge discrepancy in our earnings. If there was, like you, it seems very "off" that he has access to so much more than his own wife. Why on earth did he want to get married if he expects you to live two different lifestyles? Are you planning to have children? How will finances work then? My guess is that childcare and children's clothes and expenses will all come from your disposable income and his life won't change. Please think very very carefully about your future with this man. It sounds like it's not that he just hasn't thought about what was fair and is willing to address it. He fobs you off and changes his mind!

TheWholeWorld · 27/11/2021 13:25

I think it's fine for him to keep his current account and not make that joint, but the solution should be 'lets open a new joint current account' not 'I don't want a joint current account at all'

Also he will need to transfer all the dds and that to the new account. In the meantime you can still set up a joint savings account can't you?

The joint current account and savings account that me and DH have is with a different bank than either of our personal accounts. For convenience it's easiest to have them both with the same bank but you don't need to.

category12 · 27/11/2021 13:29

BUT there isn't a huge discrepancy in our earnings. If there was, like you, it seems very "off" that he has access to so much more than his own wife. Why on earth did he want to get married if he expects you to live two different lifestyles? Are you planning to have children? How will finances work then? My guess is that childcare and children's clothes and expenses will all come from your disposable income and his life won't change. Please think very very carefully about your future with this man. It sounds like it's not that he just hasn't thought about what was fair and is willing to address it. He fobs you off and changes his mind!

Yep, please do think very carefully before considering children with this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2021 13:31

Do not further transfer any of your money into any accounts in his sole name.

He does not want to share his money with you because he regards that as his and his alone. I would call this financially abusive behaviour from him. I would also think he treats you poorly in other areas of your relationship too.

smellyolebum · 27/11/2021 13:31

This is getting scary. Something akin to financial abuse here. At the very least get your savings back and stop giving him your money. He is a controlling arse and sneaky to boot.

TooWicked · 27/11/2021 13:33

It’s very easy for the two of you to open a new joint account and transfer the household bills/direct debits over to that.

What’s the problem with doing that?

But more importantly have you actually laid eyes on the savings account and seen for yourself how much is in there?!

Original poster
Polecat03 · 27/11/2021 13:38

Onlyfans.
There is it.
Admitted he used it while away in another country where most porn is blocked.
Apparently that's the only site that worked. Apparently its only been that once. Apparently it wasn't interactive, just a widely popular pornstars videos. I can look at his bank statements to check if I like.
What does any of it matter, he was fine with lying to me.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 27/11/2021 13:41

Whatever reasons/excuses he makes does not make it OK that he is hiding joint spending and savings from you.
Maybe he is hiding something or maybe he just needs to be in control but nothing makes it OK.
Would you expect him to transfer money to you and not let him see what happened to it? No, and nor he expect this from you.

You have to stand up to him.

What's he like in other ways? Does he influence what you wear? Who you socialise with and when? Do you have joint friends, your own friends or just his friends? Who chooses household items? Who does the housework and cooking?

50ShadesOfCatholic · 27/11/2021 13:43

Oh, just saw your update. Sorry.

I feat there is more to this though if he's been resisting the bank account thing for years.

The trust isn't there for either of you.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 27/11/2021 13:44

And still doesn't explain hiding the savings account.

category12 · 27/11/2021 13:46

@Polecat03

Onlyfans. There is it. Admitted he used it while away in another country where most porn is blocked. Apparently that's the only site that worked. Apparently its only been that once. Apparently it wasn't interactive, just a widely popular pornstars videos. I can look at his bank statements to check if I like. What does any of it matter, he was fine with lying to me.
I'd have thought there'd be more to it as this has been a bone of contention for so long.

This is like the first admission, and the "look at my statements if you like" is bluster to make you not bother. Take him up on the offer.

Momijin · 27/11/2021 13:59

Yes take him up on the offer and look through his bank statements to see if it was just the once. Seems like an extreme overreaction for just the once and depending on when it happened. I mean, my boyfriend leaves his bank statements lying around and I've never been tempted to look at them. My ex was super cagey about all his finance stuff and I hated that. I want openness and transparency in a relationship. After so many years with a man who his everything I love the fact that my boyfriend is open with his phone and laptop passwords and vice versa. Neither of us has nothing to hide and we don't violate each other's privacy. We both forget the passwords as only use them every few months if one of us is driving or something.

angeltattoo · 27/11/2021 14:11

Sorry to hear this Polecat.

He could have avoided this just by opening a new joint account with you!!

And obviously by not paying other women for sexual content.

How are you feeling? Thanks

Elieza · 27/11/2021 14:19

At least you know what it is now. Or at least part of it. Top of the iceberg?

Id still want to look at the rest of the bank accounts and statements to see what else could be hidden.

You now know he does what he wants, even though he knows it could hurt you/your relationship, when the cats away…. And thinks it’s ok if he just hides it.

Check the phone too. I think you will find other stuff on that.

He’s betrayed your trust so it’s his own fault you are now wanting to check everything.

billy1966 · 27/11/2021 14:20

OP,

Lots of wise women screaming at you to be so bloody careful.

He's a liar and you need to protect yourself.

Get your money transferred backbto your account and go through his bank account with him.

He is hiding something and you have NO business having a family with a dishonest man.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

He has been lying, misleading and gaslighting you.

Is this really someone you want to have a family with?

Protect yourself FROM his lies and get your money back NOW.

Flowers
Original poster
Polecat03 · 27/11/2021 14:21

@angeltattoo

Sorry to hear this Polecat.

He could have avoided this just by opening a new joint account with you!!

And obviously by not paying other women for sexual content.

How are you feeling? Thanks

Incredibly shit, thank you for asking though and the virtual flowers.

I don't know what to think.
Trust is broken, not because of porn necessarily, we don't have any 'no porn' rule.

But he looked at me in the eye and lied to me.

I don't know how to come back from that.

Things that niggled at me before but I couldn't outright call unreasonable, like his phone being on do not disturb always and passcode protected - is that now going to eat at me?

It doesn't seem enough to end a marriage over, but I don't see how I can happily proceed either.

OP posts:
grapewine · 27/11/2021 14:23

I'm so sorry. Ask for the money back you've sent to savings. All of it. Get it into an account in your name.

grapewine · 27/11/2021 14:25

Things that niggled at me before but I couldn't outright call unreasonable, like his phone being on do not disturb always and passcode protected - is that now going to eat at me?

It would at me with this history.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 27/11/2021 14:26

Oh you must feel so hurt and betrayed.

What a fool he has been.

You shouldn't feel pressured to make any big decisions right away, take all the time and space you need.

Depending on his attitude towards putting things right by being honest and transparent, and whether that allows you to regain trust, it may be that you can move on from this. Only you can know that.

But don't you think you need to see all statements and so on now? It seems so unlikely that these years of secrecy are to do with one transgression.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 27/11/2021 14:27

@grapewine

I'm so sorry. Ask for the money back you've sent to savings. All of it. Get it into an account in your name.
Definitely this.

He's more than secretive and dishonest, he's controlling too.

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