Financially secretive?

[Polecat03]

Not sure if I'm being the odd one here, or controlling, inappropriate etc so would appreciate an outsiders perspective.
Have been married 2 years, and raised getting a joint bank account a few times. It's never happened, neither of us have been very proactive about it. More recently I pushed for it a bit more, felt quite insecure just transferring my contribution to DH for savings each month and never seeing the pot.
He's always been reluctant to actually just go to the bank together and sort it out, I thought we'd just have his accounts (a savings and current) made joint and I would close mine.
He doesn't want that. He wants to open another completely separate joint account and keep his current ones as they are. He applied for another account with his bank, didn't mention it to me, and when the paperwork came through my surname was wrong (his mistake) so we couldn't proceed with that. I didn't want to do it that way anyway, I have this feeling hes still trying to keep me at arms length financially and doesn't want me to see his day to day transactions or access the savings or something?
Posting this because today a letter arrived from Monzo - again he hadn't talked to me about this, just said "oh yeah we'll both open one of those and you can link them. That's what everyone does."

What are your thoughts, am I being unreasonable or weird?
I have been stung before in past relationships like this, left with nothing etc and maybe I'm being paranoid and insecure about it. I know being married brings a degree of assurance about this stuff anyway but I can't help but feel off about his insistance on doing it this way.

He is not trustworthy, that is for sure and that is on HIM.

Don't make this worse by trying to blame yourself.

He has lied and mislead you.

This is deal breaker stuff.

Does he realise how serious this is?

You don't have to make any decision immediately but you do have to protect yourself.

I think you should ask to look at his phone and if he balks, then you know he is hiding stuff on his phone too.

It wouldn't occur to me to go near my husbands phone, because I respect his privacy, but I have his code and he has mine.

Trust is the bedrock of any long-term relationship that works.

Don't make the huge mistake of not realising that.

I'm at a loss. There is nothing to indicate any addictions, infidelity or things like that.

I think you have to assume that there will be indications of these things in his current account and that's why he doesn't want you to have access.

All in all he doesn't sound very nice OP. He was happy for you to pay money into his savings account without you having access to it. A normal, decent person would have just suggested a joint savings account from the start.

He took advantage of your naivety when it comes to finances which is on both of you I guess - you need to try to read up on things more and explore options before doing things that essentially amount to handing your money over and trusting you'll get it back at some point without access to it.

As I say, I think you need to assume that there's stuff in his current account that he wants to continue hiding from you.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Has he shown you the savings account, balance and all? And has he agreed that will now be joint?

So sorry only just saw your update re only fans.

Take him up on the offer to look at his statements. Please, please do.

He won't let you when it comes to it. At the last second he'll pull a 'I can't believe you don't trust me' despite having lied to your face until now.

So please take him up on it, sit down with him and get him to log on to the statements. While I'm almost sure he won't let you when it comes down to it, at least then you'll know the kind of 'partner' you're dealing with.

It is enough to end a marriage.

Call his bluff. Because I bet that's what it is. You absolutely must check that the savings are intact and that he hasn't blown them on online porn or worse.

@pointythings

Call his bluff. Because I bet that's what it is. You absolutely must check that the savings are intact and that he hasn't blown them on online porn or worse.

Looked at savings account before this admission, the amount seems correct and he is not against making the savings joint.

This came out when he flip flopped about the current account and the only reason to keep me from it was apparently to hide this transaction from me, I pushed him on it and he made that admission.
Then said here, take my phone you can look through the transactions and see its only been that once (handed me phone with banking account open ready to scroll through).

I declined, head was up my arse and not in any frame of mind to do any worthwhile detective work. Also, he could be paying for anything illicit from anywhere, a different account or other means.

I said this to him, and that no amount of sifting through accounts immediately restores the trust.
He's also been on dog walks and alone at home while I had to go to work, so plenty opportunities to wipe anything from his phone by now.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

So sorry only just saw your update re only fans.

Take him up on the offer to look at his statements. Please, please do.

He won't let you when it comes to it. At the last second he'll pull a 'I can't believe you don't trust me' despite having lied to your face until now.

So please take him up on it, sit down with him and get him to log on to the statements. While I'm almost sure he won't let you when it comes down to it, at least then you'll know the kind of 'partner' you're dealing with.

Agree with this. It’s a classic deflection technique - they pretend like they’ll be totally open. Knowing that if you call them on it they can act all outraged that you’d dare to want proof when surely the offer is enough. Please do accept the offer. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.

I’m naturally not a very trusting person and often think my DP is hiding things from me or not telling me the whole story. It can cause some huge arguments - something like this doesn’t even go into the “little white lies that don’t hurt anybody” file, it’s a shitty thing to do and a shitty reason to keep you financially at arms length. He needs to make a real effort to help you deal with this or I’d struggle to ever trust a word he said tbh.

To previous queries, no children or plans to have any. Don't know what to do next - this is relatively tame compared to what I've seen on the relationships board, I know that, but still feel like something has shifted massively and now I'm doubting everything. I like our life together and fear it all changing - but what is real if it all hinges on blind trust and not rocking the boat (like being fine with his lack of transparency around phone for example).

Sorry x posted with your update.

i said this to him, and that no amount of sifting through accounts immediately restores the trust
This is true of course - I’m sure most dodgy sites don’t show on your bank statement as “Pervy porn purchase”

Trust is the foundation of everything. This isn’t a small thing and don’t let him convince you that it is.

Many women who’ve been cheated on say that the worst part was the lie. Cheating with a swift and remorseful apology is somehow easier to forgive than the protracted lying, not to mention gaslighting, that makes you feel like you’re being a bitch for questioning him.

I wouldn't be so quick to believe it was only fans and only once.

If it is the full truth, now he’s confessed fully there’s no reason you can make that account joint and you can trawl through it as your leisure

I would still want him to get the savings transferred to your name now. you may well want to be able to access those without his permission /agreement in the near future
I would request this now while he is apologetic and pretending to be contrite.

Sorry, I know this isn’t about cheating as such, but just using that ton illustrate that lying is very much up there with the worst things a partner could do.

The fact that it’s “a one-off” doesn’t explain why he’s been so reluctant this whole time though does it? I’d be suspecting that there are historical purchases of a similar nature tbh.

And get the savings back - not in a joint account, in your name only. He’s shown that he’s not the sharing kind, so do yourself a favour and get your own money back in your own name.

If it was Only Fans, and just the once, and there’s nothing else… well now that you know about it, there’ll be no problem with making that account a joint one, will there?

What was he abroad for? Does he go away often?

@Polecat03

To previous queries, no children or plans to have any. Don't know what to do next - this is relatively tame compared to what I've seen on the relationships board, I know that, but still feel like something has shifted massively and now I'm doubting everything. I like our life together and fear it all changing - but what is real if it all hinges on blind trust and not rocking the boat (like being fine with his lack of transparency around phone for example).

Of course you are. He’s lied to you, and you’ll be wondering what else might he have lied about. Take all the time you need to decide what you want to do.

@BornIn78

If it was Only Fans, and just the once, and there’s nothing else… well now that you know about it, there’ll be no problem with making that account a joint one, will there?

What was he abroad for? Does he go away often?

No, he does still find it a problem, he said so in the midst of the onlyfans conversation - that regardless of this (or words to that effect) he still wouldn't want to make that current account joint. He is fine to change the savings to shared, have me added to that account. He's armed forces, we probably spend a lot more time apart than most couples.

I'm sorry op, I think a lot more is going to come out in the next few days. Its horrible, I've been there :-(

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Has he shown you the savings account, balance and all? And has he agreed that will now be joint?

Yes agreed that saving will be joint. I looked at the accounts balance.

@Katyrosebug

I'm sorry op, I think a lot more is going to come out in the next few days. Its horrible, I've been there :-(

I'm afraid I think this is the case too OP. He's made this so much more of a big deal than it needed to be. Which screams either guilt, lack of real commitment or both.

@Katyrosebug

I'm sorry op, I think a lot more is going to come out in the next few days. Its horrible, I've been there :-(

Agreed, plenty of time apart, doesn’t want you to see historic transactions on his current account, has admitted to the bare minimum he thinks he can get away with, Only Fans just the once, my money’s on escorts.

Take him up on his offer to view the transactions on his current account and have a good look through.

I'm sorry it turned out like this, I was really hoping he might just like privacy. You must be so shaken.

While he's still apologetic please have half the savings transferred into your private savings account. If you stay together then there's no harm done. If this is the beginning of the end in your relationship then at least you won't lose all your money too.

I just think he's behaving so strangely and shadily that
a. there's probably far more to it
and
b. even if there wasn't, it's just so far from what a life-partnership should look like, is it really good enough for you?

I'm glad you don't have kids with him and aren't planning any. Could that change, do you see children in your long term life plans?

@FlowerFlour

I'm sorry it turned out like this, I was really hoping he might just like privacy. You must be so shaken.

While he's still apologetic please have half the savings transferred into your private savings account. If you stay together then there's no harm done. If this is the beginning of the end in your relationship then at least you won't lose all your money too.

He hasn't been apologetic, sorry hasn't been mentioned or said, I've realised.

@category12 Have a never say never approach, but no current desire for any and don't see that changing.

Don't do it .Someone I know just filed for a divorce now as the husband did same to her for over 30 years that they have been married .
Not a dime in savings and top salary earner in 6 digits .Husband has access to her internet banking and transfers all her money out the day salary is paid and just gives her a small allowance to live off whilst he spends as he likes and spends on other women too .
If you can't have a joint account where you can see the money and have equal access then do not .

He's not even apologetic?

I don't think you and he are on the same team, OP.