DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

[Mantua]

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

What a car crash of a situation. No other words really.

My husband of 38 years left me recently for a mutual friend of ours. I didn’t know about the affair and I was devastated. I was more upset about losing my home and financial security TBH. I wonder if this is what’s keeping you in this marriage. He got dumped quite quickly but by then the house was sold and we’d each bought a small home. I wonder if I would have taken him back in order to keep the home I loved? Anyway he never asked and he now has a new girlfriend whom he uses just for sex. In retrospect I’m glad we’re not together as I now appreciate what a jerk he is. I miss some of the things about being married but I’m not looking for another man. Too much effort involved and too much compromise required. I am quite sure I would not have agreed to him having sex with other women. I think it’s a matter of time before one of those women starts pressuring him to leave so I would be nervous about that if I were you. Believe me when I say I would rather be on my own than with a jerk who wanted other women. Get rid of him and hold onto your self respect. Living alone is great when you get used to it.

I remember your other post - your 'rule' then was no relationships, just casual sex.

Now he is in a relationship and has walked all over your other 'rule' and basically lived with ow while you've been away. In your house op.

When you rang him, she was probably there in the back ground, which is a horrible thought.

He says he wants to stay in the relationship but his actions say otherwise.

I also think you don't want to ask him if she stayed because you know he is purposely pissing all over you and your relationship and don't want confirmation.

I'm sorry, it's awful for you.

OP
I remember you and you sound so flat and defeated. Do you have anyone person in real life you can confide in? Maybe a counsellor?

'agreed to an open marriage because we hadn’t, at my preference, been intimate for years. It was DHs way of saving our relationship and I am grateful to him for that.'

Op this is so sad to read. Why on earth would you be grateful, he is having an affair and you are allowing it. It doesn't matter about teabags and dogs etc or where the sex has taken place, he is in another relationship. I'm sorry but you need to separate .

* Well .. this won't be popular but presumably you changed the marriage to say no sex. It's a bit rich to complain he's now changed the terms of the open marriage agreement. Obviously he's realised he can have a fulfilling relationship elsewhere and maybe he doesn't want to be in this half marriage anymore.*

^This

@Comedycook

Actually I think you're both incredibly selfish.

Imagine your partner finding the idea of having sex with you so disgusting that they'd prefer you to sleep with other people? Think how that would have affected your husband?

This!

You both need to accept that the marriage is over.

Golly, at what point will you consider hes gone too far? When shes watching tv with your dogs on her knee?

And so what if he's brought her into your home when you were away?

So what? Because the agreement was hotels only, sex only - not introducing her to friends and his dad, or bringing her into the home ffs.

OP took set within the marriage odd the table, but agreed he could find it elsewhere. She's held up her end of the bargain. He hasn't.

OP this is no good for your self worth. At what point did you make it ok with yourself that this was an ok way to live? If you were happy with the situation then great, but you're not.

And now you daren't even ask if he had her in your home. People who are in loving marriages aren't afraid to ask their OH a question that's eating them up inside. Or is it more that you're frightened of the answer because it's clear he's moved the goalposts and this might signify the end?

If you asked your husband to walk away from the OW he probably wouldn't, this is beyond an open relationship territory

It’s not an open relationship, is it? It’s your husband having his cake and eating it and you being unhappy.

Can’t understand why anyone would agree to such an arrangement.

Believe me when I say I would rather be on my own than with a jerk who wanted other women

But did the ops husband want other women? Would he have preferred to have a physical relationship with his wife but she refused?

@notapizzaeater

If you asked your husband to walk away from the OW he probably wouldn't, this is beyond an open relationship territory

OPs husband told her outright in her last thread that he absolutely wouldn't stop seeing her, he's in love with her. Sadly, OP has known this for a while and I really wish she'd realise that her marriage has run its course before she gets even more hurt and gives up even more of her boundaries to try and 'keep' him.

OP

You are not comfortable being in an open relationship with your husband. Your head tells you all sorts of things to justify it, but bottom line is you are deeply unhappy with it.

It's plain as day to everyone on here - its only you that can't see it. I think you are in denial about it because that feels easier than facing it.

I don't blame you because it would be very painful to face. We all bury our heads in the sand about something, you are not at all alone.

But I think you have got to start facing up to the fact that you really aren't happy here! And do something about it.

It's not really an open relationship is it? It's just you turning a blind eye to his affairs. I do kind of agree with pp though, imagine being so repulsed by sex with your partner that you'd prefer them to sleep with other people.

I remember your previous thread too. Such a sad situation.

You say you share a bed but never cross over to the other side. Even in our times where life and stresses have got in the way of sex we've always cuddled in bed, had a cuddle in passing, a goodnight kiss, holding hands whilst out and about.....

Whether your DH is being deliberately cruel I don't know but if the OW is giving him affection which he clearly craves.

I'm sorry but I am another who thinks it's best to call time on this. You are clearly desperately unhappy and if he won't change then something has got to give.

He clearly has feelings for her, and a full on relationship with friends and family meeting her, and obviously settling her into your home in your absence.

He has no regard fur boundaries or your feelings and zero respect for you or your marriage.

Are you dating or sleeping with anyone else or is it just home having his cake and eating it?

Stop being so submissive, he will leave you fit another women eventually and all this heartache would have been a massive waste of time.

Please have your own corner here and kick him to the curb.

People who have open relationships have to have immense communication and respect for one another.
There’s rules and boundary’s that never must be crossed.

This isn’t an open relationship, this is your husband falling for someone else.

He has betrayed you already.

Calm down with the revulsion comments. We are biological beings and not wanting sex is down to hormones and changes like the perimenopause, not necessarily being repulsed by someone. Take control of your life op, separate and live a happy life with your dogs, because this sounds like a really depressing way to live and it's really heart breaking you feel grateful he found someone else but still keeps you hanging around

@MrsSkylerWhite

It’s not an open relationship, is it? It’s your husband having his cake and eating it and you being unhappy.

Can’t understand why anyone would agree to such an arrangement.

The OP is also "having her cake and eating it" because she gets to stay married to her H but doesn't have to have any kind of intimacy within him. She doesn't want an intimate relationship with him and doesn't w t him to have one with anyone else either.

They are both in the wrong and need to admit that it isn't going to work.

We are biological beings and not wanting sex is down to hormones and changes like the perimenopause, not necessarily being repulsed by someone

It isn't just about sex though. They don't even cuddle in bed.

She doesn't want an intimate relationship with him and doesn't w t him to have one with anyone else either.

With respect, OP realised she was the problem re intimacy and agreed to let her husband have sex with other her women. The husband also agreed to the rules of only having physical intimacy with other women and not forming romantic attachments to them, or introducing them to family and bringing them into the home. He's now pushed throws boundaries and is having a full blown relationship. Those aren't things that were agreed upon.

you need to get in first here now the tone has changed. Start collecting financial information and investigate how things would go in a divorce. Don't be caught on the back foot.

This does not sound like an open relationship.

I think you should call it quits and divorce.

I remember your previous thread OP. Thr situation won't change. He's in a relationship with this woman and, if I remember correctly, he felt he was in love with this woman. I can't see a way forward where you don't feel worse than you do now.