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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

308 replies

Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:19

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

OP posts:
Clymene · 23/11/2021 09:47

They had a deal and he isn't sticking to the terms of the deal. It doesn't matter if any of us would want that deal, it was what they agreed.

caringcarer · 23/11/2021 09:51

So you get to cook and clean for him and he gets to play away, or at home when you are away. He even introduced her to your dogs FFS. Not much of a relationship. You may not realise it now, but you would be happier without him. He has ground you down so low you will accept anything from him. Set your bar higher.

magicstars · 23/11/2021 09:56

Gosh, this sounds like a proper relationship between them. Sorry OP but if he's introducing her to family, friends & brining her home it sounds like they see a future together...
do you know if she knows about you? That you're still married & not planning to separate.
Sorry but there's no way I could do it in your position 💐

ChristmasScrooge · 23/11/2021 09:58

You need to leave him.

Bluntness100 · 23/11/2021 10:04

@caringcarer

So you get to cook and clean for him and he gets to play away, or at home when you are away. He even introduced her to your dogs FFS. Not much of a relationship. You may not realise it now, but you would be happier without him. He has ground you down so low you will accept anything from him. Set your bar higher.
She gets the lifestyle and the pretence of being married. Yes it’s all a facade but for some people that’s enough.

You can hear the desperation in the words. He has to “reassure” her regularly he won’t leave her. She doesn’t even want to ask him as she’s scared of the response. She is letting him do anything so she can hold onto the lifestyle and stay married,

It’s sad, and will kill her self esteem, but some people will do this rather than go it alone.

BluebellsareBlue · 23/11/2021 10:06

I remember your first thread OP. He has said he has feelings for this woman but has no intention of leaving you for her. I don't know how you can believe that when everything you have agreed with him has been broken by him. The dinners, the feelings and now brining the OW into your home.

Whilst this must be awful for you and I won't lie and say I have any idea what your going through, I know you are hurt and want to keep your marriage, but at what cost to you? And by cost I mean your health and mental health.

I took from your other post that you both might be lawyers so legally you are a bit sorted, but I would be getting my finances in order ready to leave. He is disrespecting you .

samesign · 23/11/2021 10:08

This is so shocking to read, I cannot understand why you allow him to treat you like this. Divorce him, stay friends with him if you can't bear not to be in his life but the truth is he is not in love with you anymore.

Monday55 · 23/11/2021 10:19

You have brother & sister relationship with your husband. You love each other minus the intimacy.

You're not compatible and that's the bottom line.
One of the news sites reported a new dating website aimed at those who want to be in a sex-less relationship. You should check it out, as you're more likely to find someone more compatible on there.

Dancingonmoonlight · 23/11/2021 10:48

I took from your other post that you both might be lawyers so legally you are a bit sorted
I’m so glad to read this part. I thought you were reluctant to leave for financial reasons.
OP you will be ok. In fact you won’t recognise yourself when you leave and can live peacefully and worry free. Your mental and even physical health will be much lighter.

Deela14 · 23/11/2021 10:49

What i'd like to know op is why is the marriage so important that you've placed it before your own self!

Your priorities are all over the place op.

Does the fact that you've written two threads on a website full of strangers not ring alarm bells in your head???!!

If you do not change something you will continue to be posting on here for years to come, constantly with the same story just a different way of telling it.

Please if not anything, just re read your threads back to yourself. Hear yourself for what you are saying.

This marriage is not worth losing your happiness over. If you was to die tomorrow would you generally be happy with your life op?

MuckyPlucky · 23/11/2021 11:02

I separated from ExDH because we’d been in a brother-sister marriage for years. We continued to live together for the first few months and were both open about being in other relationships, but the golden rule we both agreed on was Never Bring Them Home. We were happy like that for ages, living together but in other relationships.

Sadly, he did bring her home whilst I was away. That’s the day I asked him to leave and got the divorce ball rolling. An agreed boundary had been crossed.

You should be doing the same.

FWIW- we were much happier once apart, with our own space to pursue our lives. He married the OW and she’s now one of my best friends (as is he). A positive platonic relationship with your H is possible in the future but ONLY if you don’t allow it to get messy, which it currently is doing.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 23/11/2021 11:17

It is completely one sided but it is a compromise we both came to and it worked well until he met this particular OW a few months ago.

I'm sorry, OP. You sound really unhappy. I accept that you don't want sex, and clearly your h has had to. It's not reasonable to ask someone never to have sex again, but it's clear that you didn;t want an open relationship and you just sound so umhappy, so ground down.

I'd reassess. This plainly isn't working for you any longer.

Maybe you'd be happier splitting up from dh? He has broken the rules of your agreement and brought this woman into your home. I'd hate that - it's your safe space. You are allowed to say this to dh. Your needs are important too.

IamGusFring · 23/11/2021 11:21

Is she coming for Christmas lunch or will he pop away to see her later ?

2bazookas · 23/11/2021 11:25

In an adult, open relationship, surely that means you can just ask him in an adult, open way, and discuss it?

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 23/11/2021 11:30

@2bazookas

In an adult, open relationship, surely that means you can just ask him in an adult, open way, and discuss it?
I think OP is frightened of the answer. It's obvious where all this is headed.
Cowpad · 23/11/2021 11:34

Why did you agree to something you are clearly very uncomfortable with?do you still share a bedroom?where are the boundaries in your setup?I think you have to think what you are really comfortable with,tell him and if he disrespects your boundaries,leave him.It is def not an open relationship.it is a bloke shagging other women and you(I am sorry to say) are the doormat,he walks all over.sorry OP,you can do better then this.

rhowton · 23/11/2021 11:36

I just really dislike so many men....

rampitup · 23/11/2021 11:38

@Cowpad

Why did you agree to something you are clearly very uncomfortable with?do you still share a bedroom?where are the boundaries in your setup?I think you have to think what you are really comfortable with,tell him and if he disrespects your boundaries,leave him.It is def not an open relationship.it is a bloke shagging other women and you(I am sorry to say) are the doormat,he walks all over.sorry OP,you can do better then this.
There might be an element of coercive control. Or OP might not like confrontation and goes for what seems to be the easier option in keeping the status quo and in keeping him happy. I'm not suggesting that is OP's fault as her reluctance to confront and to set boundaries will most likely have originated in previous control issues imposed on her by another.
Tempusfudgeit · 23/11/2021 11:38

Sorry, OP. He will leave you for her. Are you going to passively accept it, or become an agent in your own life?

ollyollyoxenfree · 23/11/2021 11:40

@Mantua

I agree with PPs that the issue is that you're in an open relationship you're not happy with. That isn't fair.

My friend is the third party in what seems to be a v sucessful open marriage. Last time I with her she'd messaged him inviting him over for the next day. He replied saying he just needed to double to check with his wife and that it didn't inconvinience their weekend plans (it turned out she had a spa afternoon booked with the man she is seeing Grin ) He regularly mentions his wife to her in a loving respectful way, and it just seems like a situation where everyone is benefitting.

I hope you find a solution, it sounds very difficult Flowers

Lovinglife45 · 23/11/2021 11:52

This is not an open relationship.

You remain faithful while your husband gets a free pass to sleep with other women.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 23/11/2021 11:53

This is a really sad and difficult situation OP, and I can understand how you’ve ended up here. DH and I went through a few years with no physical intimacy (mental health issues) and in that time I’d have gladly let him sleep with someone else to keep him within the relationship as I felt so guilty about withholding sex.

When I do find myself in a shit situation, I find it helps me to think about what I’d advise my child, my sister, my best friend if they came to me with this story. Would I want my daughter accepting the crumbs of a relationship because it was too scary to leave? You deserve just as much happiness as anyone else OP, whether that’s with or without intimacy.

catfunk · 23/11/2021 13:53

Sorry op but it's not an 'open relationship' if he's sneaking around and you daren't ask him. That sounds intolerable.
Also whatever you did or didn't agree - you are clearly not ok with it and you're allowed to change your mind.

Hen2018 · 23/11/2021 14:22

How unutterably grim.

Why are you still with him?

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 14:32

@Mantua

I don’t want to ask him not because I don’t feel like I can ask because I’m not sure if I want to know, iyswim?
Which kinda proves that you don't have an open relationship.

What other things does he make unilateral decisions about, & expect you to comply with, Mantua?

If you went off & shagged someone else, how would he react?

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