DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

[Mantua]

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

As painful as it is, It isn't necessary to split up with your partner despite his blatant romantic relationship with this woman. I'd say it's a bonus as you'll have more time to yourself/for other things. As long neither of you are neglecting your relationship together, it can be healthy to live like that.

I'd say though that from what you've written he has been neglecting your relationship, by being dishonest about the status of the relationship he has with this woman, not discussing the new terms of the open relationship, etc. Confrontation would be best once you've thought about what you want

Obviously only you can decide wether you want to split up over certain things, otherwise I suggest making arrangements for an as-comfortable-as-possible life with a new addition as he's already made up his mind

And so what if he's brought her into your home when you were away?

@lisaandalan

Maybe they were just going out with the dogs together for walks and if he stayed at hers sometimes he took them with him. X

Which wouldn’t explain the tea bags

Did you have a open relationship contract signed by both of you with all the agreed upon rules ?

Why ask something you know so clearly isn’t the case?

OP - this must be so heartbreaking for you with the sands shifting beneath your feet. I think you need to face what is happening. Her being ntrodiced to friends, family and your family home (& bed) has to be the final straw

You say both you and your husband genuinely value and want to keep the marriage, but you don't want to have sex with him.

In exchange for him not leaving the marriage, you agree that he can have sex with other women as long as he does it elsewhere.

In exchange for you not leaving the marriage, he agrees that he will keep his dalliances outside the house.

But you think he broke the deal. And now you're afraid to bring it up.

Is that because it might turn out that he doesn't really care if you leave the marriage?

If that's the case, if you can afford to leave, it's in your best interests to confront the situation immediately and find out the truth. Staying in a one-sided marriage will sap your self-esteem, cause you anxiety and probably ultimately result in you being dumped at a time you don't expect it and aren't prepared for it.

If you don't want to bring it up because you can't afford to leave right away, immediately start securing that ability. It is your only defense against a miserably silent future.

OP ask him to choose between you and the OW. I think you’ll get your answer there and I don’t think it will be you. You need to take control of your life

@mantua, I remember your other thread.

You need to open your eyes and try to understand that the OW will shortly be your husband's second wife, and you are going to be divorced whether you like it or not.

You need to get therapy to try to understand yourself better -
Why did you go along with the open marriage you do not want?
Why are you now in effect standing idly by while your husband conducts an intense relationship the OW under your nose and now under your roof?

Why the inability to get angry, to stand up for yourself, to contemplate divorce?

You didn't agree to any of this, really. You entered into your 'agreement' with a bunch of unfounded assumptions about how your husband would conduct himself, no real commitment on his part as to his behaviour because you wouldn't assert yourself, and all of your assumptions have been proven unfounded. You and he and the OW are going to end up sitting around the table together at Christmas at this rate.

Bit by bit your husband is casting you aside completely while you inexplicably sit there and do absolutely nothing. You are aiding and abetting in the flagellation of your own back here.

I am sorry you are going through this, I feel so sad for you. Please think about what you want. You deserve so much better than this.

I am unsure what you want from this OP. He is in love so will try to show her that by introducing her to his life. You are no longer a couple as not having any sex and as such only friends. You wanted to be in a sexless relationship and he didn't. He might just test the waters with the OW and I am sure that once he thinks the OW is not fine with the arrangement, he will leave you for her.

It doesn’t sound like you have an open marriage. It sounds like your husband has a housemate and a girlfriend.

A man who really loved you would not do any of this.

Please divorce him and find someone to share your life who will love and respect you.

@Mantua "I knew him falling for someone else would be a risk and I put it out of my mind for a long time and thought he/we had avoided than happening but then he met OW and fell for her."

I think you have been u realistic about the risk here. You are not in the situation whereby you are in an open relationship whereby you are still having sex. That has died for whatever reason (I haven't read your previous thread). So in effect, you are his friend and she is now his lover....and the likelihood is he will, if he hasn't a,ready grow to love her and at some point that will most likely rupture your marriage.

I think you need to be realistic as to where you are. You don't want sex with him, and that ship has probably sailed to recover that side of your relationship. You can carry in but it is likely at some point he will leave whatever you hope for

I think you need to sit him down and have a long chat about this again, and be Much Clearer about your own boundaries - what you will and will not tolerate.

Sex is one thing - but bringing her into your home is another entirely, that's crossing a boundary that should have been inviolate.

And how dare she be missing YOUR dogs!! They're not bloody hers to miss!

I feel that your H is taking the piss here somewhat. Again, the sex and open marriage is one thing but HE should want to keep the boundaries clear too - the more they're blurred, the more chance there is that one or other of you will crack it and lose your shit over it - and he's playing with fire. He doesn't get to play husband and wifey with the sex woman - that's just not on.
IF he feels he does need to do that (Oh, and bin the teabags) then if you can bear it, kick him out.

What a horrible place to be I really feel for you.
Do you know the other woman, have you met her?
Does she have a partner or young children. Does she want your life? I can’t imagine how you feel but you will end up having a breakdown if this all continues.

@wheresthehope

OP ask him to choose between you and the OW. I think you’ll get your answer there and I don’t think it will be you. You need to take control of your life

Yep, sounds like it's way more than just sex

Not many women would tolerate this situation. Sooner or later, even if he would prefer to keep having two women, she will give him an ultimatum. Please don't wait around miserably waiting for the inevitable.

Oh op.

I remember your previous thread because i remember the frustration and shock i felt for your situation.

Its sad to know that you didnt find the strength to walk away. You sounded like you was coming to a reality check and realisation on the last thread. You had your head burried in the sand and was in denial about this "arrangment" ( i say loosely because it was all based on your dh terms and what works in his best interest) and how great it was for you. You was unhappy and clearly you still are.

By continuing this thread you are condeming yourself to a life time of paranoia.

This was exactly the problem in your last thread. They had both crossed a line you wasnt comfortable with and that will continue to happen the longer you dont admit to yourself i am not okay with this and that is okay.

You say your "thankful" for your husband for choosing this lifestyle instead of walking away from you like he done you both a favour (oh how samaratin of him NOT ) when all this has done so far is caused you misery and stress.

When you posted on your last thread you was going to talk to your close friend i was really hoping she would talk some sense into you.

I was rooting for you op. Im really sad for you that you wasn't able to stay true to yourself and assert your wants and needs. You deserve better and you know it.

*meant to say continuing this situation not continuing this thread.

It just really breaks my heart that the reality is alot if people reach out for advice and help on their awful situations to only just come away from it all and stay complacent.

Also like to add op at this point this is not an open marriage. This is your husband having an entore RELATIONSHIP. This was not what you agreed to and the more you bend your back and allow the more they will continue to test and push the waters with you.

This is no longer about you both being in a sexless marriage and your husband fullfilling that need. This is about emotion and that makes it more real.

This isnt what you signed up for op and its only a matter of time before she becomes pregnant and more dominant in his life and you get sidelined.

We all said this to you before.

What saddens me here is you don't seem particularly bothered your partner has another partner and an open relationship that clearly says he's not that into you

Have some self respect and get rid - think of potential sexually transmitted diseases 🤮

Whether he's seeing her in your house or a hotel or whatever is a side issue really

The issue is he's using you

this is how life is in an open marriage
like it or lump it

Unfortunately once you open up your relationship it is very hard to maintain control of what happens between your partner and another person.

You have put limits on this, such as having encounters only in hotels and no overnights. But you are allowing him to have sex with other people. It is very naive to think that will never lead to deeper feelings and that it is going to be easy for him to maintain control of it.

Relationships like this very rarely work out, because what your partner is really saying is that he wants love and attention from other women, and you don't want him to have that, but are trying to accept it because you want to cling onto him.

Sorry but you are not going to be happy in this situation - the fact that you are feeling so paranoid at the moment rings alarm bells for that and it will happen again and again.

I think you need to be in a relationship with a monogamous partner.

But you think he broke the deal. And now you're afraid to bring it up.

Is that because it might turn out that he doesn't really care if you leave the marriage?

This is it, isn't it OP. You haven't willingly agreed to any of this because it's what you want. You've just been so desperate not to have him leave, that you've gone along with any weird set up that allows you to play "wife" to the outside world for longer.

You know perfectly well you're not confronting him because he doesn't care about your marriage ending. And that's what confronting him will do.

Stop kidding yourself that he loves you and there's a little meaningless fling in the periphery. He's in a relationship with another woman. Who's been in your bed, drinking tea out of your cups, playing with the dogs, out with him and his friends and round his dad's!

He. Does. Not. Love. You.

Perhaps out of respect (and he's definitely thinking amicable means cheaper divorce) he's not pulled the rug from under you immediately, but you do understand he's paying you lip service just to make his life easier until he properly checks out of anything to do with you.

It takes a certain type of person who can successfully negotiate an open marriage. Not said with even a hint of disrespect for those that do, but most people can’t.
You need 100% trust in each other and be able to set down rules that you both accept and adhere to.
This is in no way an open marriage . You wanted him to find a fuck buddy to satisfy his sexual needs but carry on as normal in every other area. That was never going to happen, now he’s fallen in love with his fuck buddy and is slowly shoe horning her into his and by default,your life. He says he has no plans on leaving. He will be telling her the same thing that’s for certain. I’m sure I read before he told you he loves her. Lots of your inner circle will know what’s going on. He has no respect for you whatsoever.
You just seem happy that he’s told you he won’t leave, despite being in the middle of a full blown affair.
Rarely have I seen a bar set so low

I think I remember that thread. It seemed logical to me that if you don't want sex with your husband but you still want to stay married to him, you have to be accepting of his ow. Most people want physical intimacy at the heart of a relationship and to define it apart from other personal relationship. Can you not just turn a blind eye to it? If you really wanted to know, you would ask him, the fact you don’t want to implies you’d rather not know. So stop torturing yourself with what he’s doing when you’re not around. This is the reality of what you want-to stay married because you love your husband but physical intimacy repels you. So make the best of the situation you’re in-or let him go.