I've got a problem with him burping. Am I being uptight?

[SoGross]

Married to DH with two small DC. Me in thirties, him in forties.

Rightio....jokes aside....

Last year he has started to burp in the evenings. I mean some really long, loud, almost cartoon like burps. It started off as me joking about it and saying he needs to stop etc but it all being funny and a bit silly. I would pretend to slap him when he did it etc.

He does it more and more now. I mean, every 15 minutes. And so loud. Right next to me on the sofa

I've started to be slightly more serious with my annoyance and he says 'oh ok i'll try to stop but i can't help it' but he never does it in front of anyone else so clearly he can help it. But then he says 'but i'm relaxed at home'

Tonight, I was trying to get the DC ready for bed and he just did the loudest and longest burp and both kids started giggling. And I just lost it at him. I said I found him disgusting.

He is now sulking. And basically saying I'm an uptight prude. And a bit of a bully. And if he ever called me "disgusting", I would rightly be v. upset. He says I've being very OTT and he now feels uncomfortable in his own house.

What do you guys think? When I write this I think I sound uptight but he does it so, so much.

I am also bewildered as to how you, a feminist, ended up with a man who is significantly older than you and who seems resentful about 'female privilege'.

Obviously though, a lot of unpleasant men don't start out that way. They wait until their partner is vulnerable, such as having had children before they reveal themselves.

I find it hard to imagine this situation getting better, and to be honest, this talk of forever all the time sounds like it's coming from a man who knows his partner is not happy and is trying to guilt trip her to stop her leaving. The fact that you think he will try to take the kids from you shows you are with the wrong person who is not mature. I agree with @onelittlefrog

If your man wasn't with you he almost sounds like incel material with that kind of resentment. When he got with you, I'm imagining he was thrilled to get a hot young girlfriend who he didn't have to marry, that would make him feel wanted and young again. Someone to look after him in his old age.

What did you see in him OP? A father figure? It can'tt have been money because you sound quite independent like that. Stability then?? Was he really that sexually attractive??

[quote freeatlast2021]**@MarbleQueen* OMG yes, this!!!!. When I told my exh I wanted a divorce he spluttered about wedding vows. He actually thought because I had said those words he could behave as badly as he wanted.*

Yes, that is exactly how I felt. My ex telling me "how about our wedding wows, for better of for worse did that mean nothing"? Seriously!!! So he thought he could do whatever the f... he wanted and I will stick around just because I "promised" I would.[/quote]
@freeatlast2021

So sad. Some people, when assured of another's commitment, no longer treat their partner with respect. They get cocky. By the time they realise their partner is half way out of the relationship, it's already too late as they've shown who they really are, inside and out.

Lots of men take the phrase “for better or worse” quite literally. Within a couple of years of marriage many have given themselves permission to be the worst version of themselves. Nearly all my friends husbands have become morbidly obese within a couple of years.

So much of what you've written are exaclty like the first things I started noticing when I was waking up to my XH's emotional abuse (later discovered serious financial abuse too). He's never had a diagnosis but I'm pretty sure he's a covert narcissist and your husband sounds similar.

They can be very passive-aggressive, and burping and farting overtly in front of you but not anyone else is a plausibly deniable way of showing their hidden disrespect for you.

If he has a mother who worships the ground he walks on, that's also a red flag for narcissism. Start reading up, you may be surprised what you learn.

I'm a man, and reading Mumsnet has been a real eye-opener. I never knew how many women were worried about what their DH/BF might do if they tried to leave. It sounds horrible.

Earlier this year my wife and I had a rough patch and I wondered if she might leave. After reading Mumsnet, I made a point of telling her gently that if she decided to leave then I would not make things difficult for her at all. I hoped that she would choose to stay (and she has so far, and hopefully things are better) but I wanted her to feel totally free to choose. I want her to choose me because she still finds me to be kind and funny and sexy and responsible, not because of fear. I married for love, not to acquire a possession or a servant.

OP, is your DH willing to have a conversation with you about how you feel? If you ask him, might he be prepared to sit and listen to your point of view without instantly deflecting things? Do you think he still wants you to respect him and to think that he's a good guy? Or has he given up on that and just wants you to put up with things because they're not as bad as they could be?

It's complicated because there are lots of "good" things he does. He is very "into" the idea of being a family man (after spending his 20s and 30s doing drugs etc). He always saves his income to spend on family, he does bedtimes (but never night wakes), cooks dinners, he doesn't go out anymore and he would never look at another woman. He is v loyal in a way. But he is rude, belittling and lacks any empathy

So for example on Friday my toddler had a temperature and I had to leave work to pick him up. I was stressed as had meeting with my boss. He left his work to help but when he got back he was so abrupt and dismissive. And when I questioned his attitude he said "I've bloody left work early to help and you're still having a go at me"

He is v insecure. Poor MH. He does want to be one of the good guys I believe but there is something lacking. No empathy or something. When I talk he doesn't respond. Spends all his time on the phone looking at Instagram

When I say worried about what he'd do...I mean I manage everything in his life..he doesn't even know what mortgage we are on or how much childcare costs. He says it's too stressful and difficult for him. I think he would go back to drink and drugs and living in a shared house with druggies. And very very angry and bitter and he would hate me. I would also fulfill his deep seated belief that women are all out to hurt men. I can walk away from him but my DC can't. They currently have a dad who comes home and throws them up in the air, who reads books and gives them a bath. If I leave they will have a dad who spends nights with a note up his nose. I don't know if I can do that to them

Sorry for long reply!

Honestly this is not about burping. It’s contempt. You have contempt for him and it’s the biggest of the four horseman. Not sure there’s a way back from here.

I also am not judging. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like this either. Playing the victim at being asked to behave like a mature adult is pathetic. His humour is just pass agg digs designed to make you feel uncomfortable and so he can be the victim.

I would also fulfill his deep seated belief that women are all out to hurt men.

Funny how that works, eh. A man who frequently behaves like a helpless and irresponsible child, treats his wife with contempt, rudeness, lack of empathy and interest, blames you for being 'unkind' when you call out his rude behaviour and would completely fall apart without you to mop up his messes... also has a 'deep-seated' belief that all women are out to hurt him, which he uses to make you feel bad about even considering 'hurting him'.

Here's a tip: expecting him to behave like a capable and considerate adult is not 'hurting him'.

Dear Op,

You are propping him up.

The only reason he has a stable home and children to come home to is because of you.

All your energy, intelligence, insight and ability to run a home is enabling him to have a lifestyle he couldn’t achieve on his own.

This will be exhausting for you and at best you feel some sense of exasperated love like you have for a selfish teenager.

You only have one life.

Do you want to spend it propping up this man?

Or will you wait until he does something that is so clearly a dealbreaker that it forces you to take action? Bear in mind this may take decades?

So much of your story resonates with me. The ‘watching the news’ snippet was true for me too. My STBXH didn’t belch but was highly successful at manipulating me in a myriad of tiny covert passive aggressive ways.

As best l thought of him as an annoying needy old dog. But one that l was committed to, as l believed him to be loving, loyal and true.

Until after 27 years he confessed to a series of drunken ‘incidents’ with other women going back decades.

Getting out has been horrendous but not impossible.

You never know, it might give him the chance to properly sort himself out. If his children mean the world to him, then he has a massive motivation to shape up.

And if he doesn’t, then l highly doubt he will play much of a role in their lives. It will feel like too much hard work.

xx

They currently have a dad who comes home and throws them up in the air, who reads books and gives them a bath. If I leave they will have a dad who spends nights with a note up his nose. I don't know if I can do that to them

It wouldn't surprise me if he sabotaged his life deliberately in that situation in order to get you to take him back. It sounds as if you're pretty similar to people who say their partner is emotionally unstable and will kill themselves if they leave, except your partner is doing this more subtly.

He has a duty as a father to try to make a good life for himself.

Also, I'm wondering - why is a man in his 50s on Instagram so often? Is he a photographer or something? There are people that age on there but it's mostly a younger space? He's not looking at loads of women I hope?

OP,

So he's a former addict.

You deserve so much better than this and so do your children.

MH issues as well?

OP, this marriage is not going to last.

You deserve more than spending your life holding up an old ex addict that shrouds his contempt for you and women in coarse behaviour.

He gets angry at parenting because only you should ever be inconvenienced at work.

You mind that job of yours and start saving that get away fund.

You are not responsible for his life.

He is.

Don't sacrifice yours for his.

He's simply not worth it.

Keep posting.

I feel for you Op, but those are not reasons to stay with him.

This is about so much more than the performance burping (and to thsoe people who have said he should be able to be comfortable enough to do that in his own home - rubbish. You said he doesn't do it in front of others, and he knows you hate it, but he does it with glee and intentionally to annoy you. You have a right to be comfortable in your home as well, and that includes not having someone burping loudly, intentionally, every 15 minutes).

You listed some of the good things he does, but they are basically just what an adult does in their own home. Doing the children's bedtime, some cooking, housework, doesn't make him anything other than a normal human being.

But the disrespect, the intentionally doing disgusting things, the sexism, the right wing stuff, are all just.... very inattractive, and irritating.

You say he is insecure. But he seems to be deliberately goading you in to not liking him. Is he doing that teenage boy thing where he's poking you just for some attention? Does he understand that not all attention is good, and that he is turning you off him a bit more every time he does it?

It honestly sounds as though this may be the end of the road for your relationship, but if you think there is any hope at all, maybe try for a serious conversation where you calmly explain that you are close to divorce because of his mysogny, his disrespectful behaviour etc. That you need to know if he is willing to talk seriously and to see if there is a way of putting things right first, before you proceed.

Don't let him paint himself as the victim. You have made clear on many occasions how he is upsetting you and he's completely ignored you. He has 100% created this situation.

@SoGross It sounds very tough, but it also sounds like you're not ready to give up on the relationship yet. I've got a suggestion which might help (or might not):

Years ago I read a book called "Games People Play", which talked about roles in relationships. It said that some couples end up stuck in a dynamic where one is behaving more like a child and the other more like a parent. The "child" partner will react to the other partner as a child/teenager would react to a parent. Acts of defiance, sulking, rude, snappy. When the "child" partner plays this role constantly, it's like they're pushing their partner into the "parent" role.

The way out of it, if possible, is to refuse to play into the game. Talk to them as an adult talking to an adult, even if they are being childish. Expect them to pull their weight. Ask to have meetings to sit down and discuss the relationship calmly and constructively.

I'm not saying you have to do any of this (or maybe you already do) but basically I think you have three options:

1. Find a way (together) to change the dynamic, so that he can earn back your respect by behaving more like an equal adult and not a resentful teenager;

2. Carry on pretty much as you are, and get more and more fed up with him;

3. Leave.

You say that he wants to be a family man and a good guy, which sounds hopeful (unlike some other things in the thread which don't sound so hopeful) so maybe he would be willing to try talking more about this, if he really wants to make an effort.

Poor bloke living with you. Yes you are very uptight.let him relax in his own house. It’s only a noise, unless he’s doing it right in your face in which case you would have a point but just in the same room sitting beside you, nah, you need to unclench 🤣

Ah ok, ignore my first message. Your op seemed quite innocuous but I see there’s actually much bigger problems.

When I say worried about what he'd do...I mean I manage everything in his life..he doesn't even know what mortgage we are on or how much childcare costs. He says it's too stressful and difficult for him

He has effectively taken on a child role in your family. Moonbeams is right about the dynamics in the games people play.

It’s obviously not good for you and it’s probably not good for him either , because although a person in a child role gets a good deal in some ways they’re actually in a one down position and that causes resentment. The relationship becomes unequal.

I think it also touches on the drama triangle dynamic where he sees himself as the victim and you as the perpetrator. Really he is actively putting you in that role by belching and wanting to be told off.

I’m not sure if it possible to change this dynamic once it has started. It is very common and I think causes far more divorces than most people realise. I feel for you, you’ve had a lot to deal with and you should have a supportive partner.

@MarbleQueen

When I say worried about what he'd do...I mean I manage everything in his life..he doesn't even know what mortgage we are on or how much childcare costs. He says it's too stressful and difficult for him

He has effectively taken on a child role in your family. Moonbeams is right about the dynamics in the games people play.

It’s obviously not good for you and it’s probably not good for him either , because although a person in a child role gets a good deal in some ways they’re actually in a one down position and that causes resentment. The relationship becomes unequal.

I think it also touches on the drama triangle dynamic where he sees himself as the victim and you as the perpetrator. Really he is actively putting you in that role by belching and wanting to be told off.

I’m not sure if it possible to change this dynamic once it has started. It is very common and I think causes far more divorces than most people realise. I feel for you, you’ve had a lot to deal with and you should have a supportive partner.

I’m only 24 and exes have assumed this child position too, even my most recent ex who is 33! It is frustrating to need support yourself sometimes too and not get it. I turned into such a nag with the 33yo, since he wasn’t capable of doing basic things like brushing his teeth everyday and getting his car repaired x

I turned into such a nag with the 33yo, since he wasn’t capable of doing basic things like brushing his teeth everyday and getting his car repaired hmmconfused x

Oh god, the teeth brushing. Just why? I truly believe many men are not entering into relationships in good faith. I think many are looking for a mother so they can play out the whole rebellious teenage thing again where they hate their mother while she nags them to brush their teeth and have a wash.

My exes teeth went black and he stank. His mother blamed me and had several conversations where she made it clear she felt it was my responsibility to correct these things. There is a link I think with these doting mothers who’s sons can do no wrong.

These men need adopting, not dating.

@MarbleQueen

I turned into such a nag with the 33yo, since he wasn’t capable of doing basic things like brushing his teeth everyday and getting his car repaired hmmconfused x

Oh god, the teeth brushing. Just why? I truly believe many men are not entering into relationships in good faith. I think many are looking for a mother so they can play out the whole rebellious teenage thing again where they hate their mother while she nags them to brush their teeth and have a wash.

My exes teeth went black and he stank. His mother blamed me and had several conversations where she made it clear she felt it was my responsibility to correct these things. There is a link I think with these doting mothers who’s sons can do no wrong.

These men need adopting, not dating.

Ohhh gosh, how strange!! Must have definitely been a mummy’s boy?! They are the worst. Don’t make good partners at all!! I once dated this guy whose mum used to ring him constantly, and I mean constantly. They would be on FaceTime to each other for about 7 hours a day !!! 🤣 She also paid rent on a 2 bed house for him despite him working full time as a commercial pilot!!

My most recent ex, tho....like yours, he had some decay and had lost one of his teeth. He went into foster care at the age of 10 and had clearly never been taught the importance of teeth brushing, so I couldn’t help myself assuming this parental role 😂 it used to really worry me!!! He was in £20K worth of debt and I would have to nag him constantly about spending....

This just reminded me of when my ex came home one night and declared that him and his mate had discussed the gender pay gap and decided it was absolutely fine because women choose to earn less. So he came back from the pub and declared this, all to wind me up, when i was too tired to be bothered getting angry it made him angry.

Your man doesnt like women, and you are a woman. This is a problem.

Also people defending farting and burping - grim, its disgusting

Poor bloke living with you. Yes you are very uptight.let him relax in his own house. It’s only a noise, unless he’s doing it right in your face in which case you would have a point but just in the same room sitting beside you, nah, you need to unclench

@Meltedwellie - I realise this thread has taken a bit of a turn and is basically about much more serious relationship issues.

BUT - I remain so interested in the burping debate. I really really don't understand how someone could sit next to a bloke who was burping non stop all evening and then want to cuddle him/have sex with him later. I honestly can't eat my dinner when he does these massive burps. They turn my stomach. Even if I loved him dearly and we were getting on really well - I still would find it so disgusting and off putting.

I would never dream of farting or doing massive burps in front of anyone. Is that weird? Not my family, not my DH, not my kids. I mean the world wouldn't end if I did but I would always choose not to.

I never thought of myself as a prude but perhaps...

@Flyg

This just reminded me of when my ex came home one night and declared that him and his mate had discussed the gender pay gap and decided it was absolutely fine because women choose to earn less. So he came back from the pub and declared this, all to wind me up, when i was too tired to be bothered getting angry it made him angry.

Your man doesnt like women, and you are a woman. This is a problem.

Also people defending farting and burping - grim, its disgusting

Oh yeah. The gender pay gap is another one that gets him going. He likes to explain why it is isn't a thing at length or why we don't understand it. I just walk out the room.

@SoGross Now that I think about it, I was in a previous relationship for several years in which we did get into the habit of burping and farting in front of each other. I think she initiated it actually. It just became normal in our relationship. The relationship went downhill both inside and outside the bedroom and I did start to wonder whether this lack of boundaries in this area was part of the problem. We ended up more like siblings. Siblings that argued a lot.

In my current relationship, I deliberately didn't do that kind of thing at the start (or would do it very quietly if I couldn't avoid it) and neither did my new girlfriend (now DW.) I'm glad that we didn't (and still don't.)

I guess I'm saying that it's an issue to be decided in each relationship. Some couples might be OK with it, some not. It's tricky if he wants it to be OK and you don't want it to be OK. You are not wrong to feel how you feel, but there's no rule that it's never acceptable anywhere, so I guess he'll only change if he wants to do you the courtesy of respecting your feelings.

The gender pay gap certainly is a thing, though. It's ridiculous that some men try to tell women why women shouldn't feel that sexism exists. It would be like having a partner of a marginalised race and explaining to that partner that actually racism doesn't exist and it's all in their head. You would hope that instead they would support their partner in the struggle against this issue. I count myself as a feminist and I want to help with ending discrimination against women, partly because it's just the right thing to do, but even more so because my wife is a woman, my mother is a woman, and so on.

@MoonbeamsGlittering You are definitely a keeper. Your wife is lucky.