I can’t get over this comment

[WillThisUsernameDo]

I’ve been with do for about 18 months, thought all was great. Then, a couple of weeks ago after we’d had a few drinks we started chatting about our first date. He basically told me that he didn’t think there was a spark between us and that he didn’t think I looked like I did in my photos. He wanted to be polite though and got through the date and then thought that was that. He was really surprised when I got in touch and asked to see him again and he decided to do it because he thought there might be a shag in it (there was). Then he decided the sex was really good so he wanted to keep seeing me and he’s really glad he did as he’s now completely in love with me.

I know it’s probably stupid but I just can’t get over this. I’m already massively insecure about how I look but my photos weren’t filtered or overly flattering. I’m not overweight at all so it wasn’t that. I thought we got on really well the first few times we met and I fancied him like mad. It’s just made me feel like shit and I just can’t face seeing him atm as a result. He’s really upset and apologetic and said he only said it because he was drunk and has tried to minimise it since by saying that he just exaggerated when he told me that he was just gritting his teeth to get through our first date.

Would this bother you? How can I get over it?

If you're already massively insecure about how you look, he shouldn't have told you.

Otherwise I'd laugh at his honesty now you're enjoying a relationship together.

Oh god that’s awful - what a twat! As if anyone would ever want to hear that! FWIW our first date is a story we retell on a regular basis with each other and other people. If there was even a hint that it was all one sided I’d be mortified. What on earth was he thinking?! I’m sorry, I don’t know how you get past that tbh. It turns out your partner is a cock.

worraliberty I haven’t told him that I’m insecure about how I look but he knows that I refuse to have photos taken of myself unless I absolutely have to and that I haven’t left the house without a full face of makeup since I was 15.

@RaisedByPangolins it was just totally humiliating. I’d just said that I fancied the pants off him as soon as I met him which I don’t think I’ve ever felt about a man before. Then he tells me that he basically thought I was a dog and only saw me again because he hadn’t had a shag in ages and thought there might be a chance with me.

It doesn’t sound like he was deliberately being mean. You can think someone looks nice and attractive without actively fancying them - which it sounds like is what he thought about you. Lots of relationships are a slow burn rather than a fire and it’s often all to the good.

He’s being a bit of a nob to have so misjudged your level of robustness, but equally you are being unreasonable to be so over sensitive - fair enough you’d rather he’d be smitten on slight, but the fact he’s completely in love with you ought to be a pretty good second.

I’m assuming here there is no evidence of other twatery, if not, I’d tell him to be more considerate in future, and work on your own esteem. Don’t Chuck away an 18 month relationship over this.

Hold on. Did he say he thought you were a "dog" or did he say he didn't fancy you?

There's a big difference.

Horrible expression re dogs and thinking someone unattractive.

I suppose he is very secure in how he feels about you and so a bit of booze let his guard down.

I know its not great to hear but I wonder how many relationships started when one party was a bit meh but saw the opportunity for a quick shag and then subsequently thought I’ll stick with it as the sex is great.

Probably quite a few!!

Op he didn’t tell you he thought you were a dog, he just told you he didn’t fancy you at first. Then fell in love with you clearly as he got to know you.

Sometimes people shouldn’t be bluntly honest about certain things but if you were discussing it anyway then he’s just telling you what he thought. Did you ask him specifically what he thought of your first date?

Is he actually say he thought you were a dog?
There's a saying..Through love women find sex, through sex men find love.
I can understand your hurt, but I wouldn't throw him back in the pond if all is good otherwise.

Not sure I could get past those comments. They weren’t even necessary to mention after all this time . What purpose do they serve besides hurting your feelings and making you doubt yourself? They were mean but I’m pretty sensitive about my looks as I’m no beauty queen

Hang on op, he didn't say you were a dog! I can understand why you are upset but that is your insecurity speaking. What matters is what you have between you now, surely? Focus on his actions not his words.

I don't think the story reflects well on him at all btw!

I can understand why you may have preferred not to know but I don’t think it’s that unusual for somebody not to be attracted to a new partner initially.

I suspect my husband wasn’t attracted to me, but once he got to know me he realised how awesome I am and loves me because of that 🤣. I’m not even sure if he finds me physically attractive now but I know he loves me.

I’m a good person but I’m not attractive so I can’t really blame him!

Going against the other comments I think he was trying to be mean.
What would motivate someone to say this to someone they were in love with? There wasn't any need to say it and hurting that person would be the guaranteed result.
Negging?
I am sorry OP, i think that was crappy behaviour and I am not shocked you are hurt.

I went right off my husband during our second or third date but we had gone out for the day and I didn't want to be rude and leave. Glad I persevered 22 years later.

FFS his polite conversation skills are appalling. However, he is really into you and this is his excruciatingly awful way of honest communication. Honest communication is vital in a relationship.

Do you want a sweet talking suave salesman type or a clumsily honest bloke?

So, you didn't have the Disney first meeting.

But he loves you. It's ok!

For me I’m in a stage of my life I will only be around people I feel nourished by. If there is any whiff of people making me feeling bad about myself I will extract them from my life. He would be gone, on the basis of what you have said. He really is not worth it and you will probably reflect he has most likely said other really cunty things in the past that your insecurities have overlooked. You can do way better than this ❤️

I didn't fancy my husband at all when we met. I said no when he first asked me out! Then we became good friends and got to know each other more and I started to fall for him! But we do joke about the fact that it wasnt love at first sight, more that he grew on me like a fungus.

I hope it doesn't hurt his feelings when I mention it, I wouldn't be without him now!

What a shitty thing to tell you. What on earth good would come from that?
Im not surprised its put you off

I suppose he is very secure in how he feels about you
Still no reason anybody would want to hear that.

He's got a very bad case of foot in mouth. God what a prat .
I don't honestly know if I could get past that I think I would've got the ick straight away. So sorry for you op

There's a big difference between 'he didn't think there was a spark' and he 'thought you were a dog'.

What did he actually say?

OP you've been with your partner 18 months!

If he didn't find you attractive, even the best sex wouldn't have kept him with you for that length of time.

If the truth be known I bet most couples start off without a host of fireworks exploding. The attractiveness of a person is made up of many things.

Lots of couples start out thinking that the person isn't drop dead gorgeous, but they see how things pan out. As they get to know each other, sincere feelings develop. There's some cases where the most stunning of people turn out to be absolute horrors personality wise.

Drunken times can cause upset, but your partner didn't say you were a "dog" now did he? Let's be honest here.

He said you weren't like your photos and he saw you again on the off chance he'd get lucky. None of that is unusual. Most people differ from photos if they've met online. Some may have worn more make-up, used photos they'd had taken at an event where they've really pushed the boat out like at parties, nights out etc.

He's said he's sorry, and he's obviously now realised he's got to curb the comments he makes whilst drunk. On the flip side of that though, he's honest, and he's probably voiced what many partners really don't. He probably thought you'd laugh and say "you cheeky sod"

To throw away 18 months seems silly. He'll only apologise for so long though, so either see him and tell him it's over, or discuss the matter and move on.

Fwiw I accidentally drunkenly told my DP I loved him on our first date, which he loves to remind me of!

I get really embarrassed by it as I know I liked him more than he liked me to start with, but he is careful to point out that he was a bit of a knob back then and didn’t really know what he was looking for, and that once there was a possibility that he might not see me again he realised how much he liked me and has been 100% ever since.

He has never however implied it was anything to do with my attractiveness, more than he was like a kid in a candy store with online dating and was just planning to play the field a bit.

I would also take his comment as a bit of negging. Does he have form for making you the butt of his jokes and then telling you you’re over sensitive if you get upset? If this is a one off then I may let it slide, as he’s didn’t actually call you a dog. But if it’s part of a larger pattern of behaviour that makes you feel shit then it’s a different story.

Did he actually say he thought you were a Dog OP, or is that your interpretation of him not fancying you? I couldn't get past the former to be honest ( wouldn't want to be with anyone using such derogatory terms for women ) and would really struggle with the latter too