I can’t get over this comment

[WillThisUsernameDo]

I’ve been with do for about 18 months, thought all was great. Then, a couple of weeks ago after we’d had a few drinks we started chatting about our first date. He basically told me that he didn’t think there was a spark between us and that he didn’t think I looked like I did in my photos. He wanted to be polite though and got through the date and then thought that was that. He was really surprised when I got in touch and asked to see him again and he decided to do it because he thought there might be a shag in it (there was). Then he decided the sex was really good so he wanted to keep seeing me and he’s really glad he did as he’s now completely in love with me.

I know it’s probably stupid but I just can’t get over this. I’m already massively insecure about how I look but my photos weren’t filtered or overly flattering. I’m not overweight at all so it wasn’t that. I thought we got on really well the first few times we met and I fancied him like mad. It’s just made me feel like shit and I just can’t face seeing him atm as a result. He’s really upset and apologetic and said he only said it because he was drunk and has tried to minimise it since by saying that he just exaggerated when he told me that he was just gritting his teeth to get through our first date.

Would this bother you? How can I get over it?

Saying he didn’t think there was a spark on the first date or didn’t fancy you immediately, I’d be fine with - sometimes it isn’t there straight away. It’s the ‘I saw you again because I thought there’d be a shag in it’ that would horrify me. He just admitted he was planning to use someone he didn’t find attractive for sex. I’m not saying you should only have sex within relationships, but to actively decide to pursue someone for sex without even being physically attracted to them is pretty low. It would change my whole opinion of him as a person.

I think your DP sounds amazing. So honest and funny in a clusterfuck kind of way
Wow...

@TedMullins

Saying he didn’t think there was a spark on the first date or didn’t fancy you immediately, I’d be fine with - sometimes it isn’t there straight away. It’s the ‘I saw you again because I thought there’d be a shag in it’ that would horrify me. He just admitted he was planning to use someone he didn’t find attractive for sex. I’m not saying you should only have sex within relationships, but to actively decide to pursue someone for sex without even being physically attracted to them is pretty low. It would change my whole opinion of him as a person.

Yes, this for me

Sorry OP but I could not carry on with this and I'm really surprised at the balance of replies.

@TedMullins

Saying he didn’t think there was a spark on the first date or didn’t fancy you immediately, I’d be fine with - sometimes it isn’t there straight away. It’s the ‘I saw you again because I thought there’d be a shag in it’ that would horrify me. He just admitted he was planning to use someone he didn’t find attractive for sex. I’m not saying you should only have sex within relationships, but to actively decide to pursue someone for sex without even being physically attracted to them is pretty low. It would change my whole opinion of him as a person.

This. The fact that you were happy with just sex if that was all that was forthcoming is irrelevant. He is claiming he had sex with you despite not considering you attractive, so presumably went into that with the expectation of using you for the night (until your great performance in bed had him wanting more) It betrays a really unpleasant attitude and very little discernment, not to mention a nasty undercurrent that you were lucky it happened this way, because now he loves you, against the odds.

DH and I started off a bit like this op. Wed known each other for a few years. I found him physically attractive but a bit arrogant. I think he thought the same of me. Turns out we are both very much comfortable with our own company, and both a little socially awkward. Thirty years on we are still together and despite some pretty big ups and downs still in love.
A slow burning courtship often makes for a deeper bond.

@jamandmarmalade21

there is a world of difference between getting to know someone and gritting your teeth to get through a date just as a means of securing a shag during his dry spell.

At least you found out now OP.

and @GreyhoundG1rl yes you are both right about this .

You're not insecure in a superficial way, you have trauma (= awareness) as a result of your abusive ex. Trauma can give us greater awareness of what is not ok- and his comments were not ok. Even if it were just a few people in this world who thought it wasn't ok, you are one of them and want to be treated a certain way, which is fine. It's not like he doesn't know you; he would know how that sort of thing might make you feel, even if you haven't spelled it out. He said this stuff because he thinks he's hilarious, to give a generous explanation. Not an attractive trait, to have such an opinion of himself.

@me4real he didn’t say it because he thought it was hilarious. He said it because I asked him and he was being completely honest. As I said, the comment about the sex didn’t really bother me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time but really wanted a shag and thought he was gorgeous. Then we kept on shagging, realised we actually really liked each other and ended up in a relationship l. I don’t think him wanting to shag me despite not finding me attractive is any worse than me wanting to shag him despite being personally if I never saw him again afterwards. It was the comment about not finding me attractive in the first place that stung. I thought we’d got on really well on the first date and he didn’t which made me feel daft.

Although the truth stings a little I think it it is a reflection of his commitment to you. Most of my friends who are in long term relationships were not initially attracted to their partners when they first met. Long term relationships are based on transparency but sometimes we don’t always like the truth.
I fell in love with my DH six months in to our relationship, I was having investigations for endometriosis and he picked up on my worries about fertility ( I didn’t voice them) he simply said that if we couldn’t have children we could adopt. The thought behind that statement said so much about how he felt about me.
Ignore the sex police on mn they always roll up. There is absolutely nothing wrong with women just wanting a shag, it’s a big myth that women only have sex when there is an emotional attachment.

So he says he loves you, you love him, all good. He is an idiot for telling you that about first date but he hasn't cheated on you. Let it go, it is just your insecurity about your physical appearance making you sensitive. Concentrate on your future not your past.

Don’t be upset. The two people I’ve loved most intensely in my life I didn’t like on first meeting x

For the first few months we were together he kept saying how lucky he was and that he couldn’t believe his luck as I was so out of his league.

I think this is the truth and now he wants to bring you down a few pegs to ensure you never have the confidence to leave.

His "were you the year above" comment to a woman clearly decades younger than him seems calculated to put a woman off balance and he's far too comfortable doing this sort of thing in public. Hes practiced and experienced in it, it's probably one of his favourite tools in the box.

It will get worse from here. You cant come back from this and your shouldn't. You're upset and avoiding him as your brain senses the danger. Heed the warning - you exited one abusive relationship and accidentally found yourself in another one. This is very common. Walk away.

@Blackopal

Going against the other comments I think he was trying to be mean. What would motivate someone to say this to someone they were in love with? There wasn't any need to say it and hurting that person would be the guaranteed result. Negging? I am sorry OP, i think that was crappy behaviour and I am not shocked you are hurt.

I think he was being deliberately mean too. Like he wants you to know that he did you a favour by going on a second date. I think he's picked up on your insecurities and decided to use them to keep you grateful that he gave you the time of day.

His "were you the year above" comment to a woman clearly decades younger than him
Dear God, did he really? . This is not an attractive man, op.
Jesus...

Tbh OP I think you are being a bit mean to unattractive women, by equating unattractive with 'dog.' He didn't say it, you did. It's such a horrible term.

Also just because he didn't immediately fancy you, doesn't mean he didn't find you physically attractive, just that he initially didn't feel a chemistry. He was a bit clumsy in his words, but it sounds like he fancied you from the 2nd date, then your personalities grew on each other.

'His "were you the year above" comment to a woman clearly decades younger than him seems calculated to put a woman off balance and he's far too comfortable doing this sort of thing in public. Hes practiced and experienced in it, it's probably one of his favourite tools in the box.'

@PicsInRed Spot on in my opinion. I've had experience with someone who used to do exactly that. He was next level narcissistic.

He really wasn’t trying to embarrass the woman he made the comment to. He was absolutely mortified, I think he just thinks he’s still 30 when he’s mid 40’s 😂

@WillThisUsernameDo

He really wasn’t trying to embarrass the woman he made the comment to. He was absolutely mortified, I think he just thinks he’s still 30 when he’s mid 40’s 😂

You're not making him sound any better, you know.

I’m not trying to make him sound better, I’m just explaining what happened. We were at a kids birthday party, he wasn’t ‘negging’ a complete stranger, he’s actually a very lovely man. Some people just make awkward comments sometimes, they’re not out there to deliberately destabilise the confidence of people they’ve never met and will never meet again.

Is yr "date" an oil painting himself?

@WillThisUsernameDo

I’m not trying to make him sound better, I’m just explaining what happened. We were at a kids birthday party, he wasn’t ‘negging’ a complete stranger, he’s actually a very lovely man. Some people just make awkward comments sometimes, they’re not out there to deliberately destabilise the confidence of people they’ve never met and will never meet again.

So she was both a stranger, and not a stranger. Right. Sounds plausible.

He loves you!

Just drop it. Occasionally people in couples say thoughtless things. If you can't get over it, there's more up than this one comment!!

She was a stranger to him until he met her at a kids’ birthday party. It’s really not an unusual conversation to have with someone that you find out went to the same school as you.

Hey op you seem to be defending his actions a lot now. Have you decided to stay with him?

@WakeuptoCake yes, definitely staying with him and was never considering breaking up with him about it. I just needed some help in getting over his comment.