Page 3 | I can’t get over this comment

WillThisUsernameDo · 2021-11-21T17:19:36+00:00

I’ve been with do for about 18 months, thought all was great. Then, a couple of weeks ago after we’d had a few drinks we started chatting about our first date. He basically told me that he didn’t think there was a spark between us and that he didn’t think I looked like I did in my photos. He wanted to be polite though and got through the date and then thought that was that. He was really surprised when I got in touch and asked to see him again and he decided to do it because he thought there might be a shag in it (there was). Then he decided the sex was really good so he wanted to keep seeing me and he’s really glad he did as he’s now completely in love with me. I know it’s probably stupid but I just can’t get over this. I’m already massively insecure about how I look but my photos weren’t filtered or overly flattering. I’m not overweight at all so it wasn’t that. I thought we got on really well the first few times we met and I fancied him like mad. It’s just made me feel like shit and I just can’t face seeing him atm as a result. He’s really upset and apologetic and said he only said it because he was drunk and has tried to minimise it since by saying that he just exaggerated when he told me that he was just gritting his teeth to get through our first date. Would this bother you? How can I get over it?

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/11/2021 19:33

people's comments on here about him will stay in your head
His own comments will stay in her head, and deservedly so. People's reactions to it are neither here nor there.

Needdoughnuts · 21/11/2021 19:36

In the nicest possible way you are overreacting and misinterpreting!
He didn't say you were a dog and he didn't say you were ugly! You believe him when he implies negative things about you and don't believe him when he says positive things. Not many people say 'it was love at first sight' and he's not one of them. Try to see yourself as the person he sees and try not to get hung up on your looks.

GertietheGherkin · 21/11/2021 20:03

@GreyhoundG1rl

people's comments on here about him will stay in your head His own comments will stay in her head, and deservedly so. People's reactions to it are neither here nor there.

Oh I don't know, the OP kind of put her own interpretation on his comments and posters on here haven't even met the bloke.

Still it's refreshing to see so many women who've never spoken out of turn or caused their partners a hint of unease or upset. My halo's tarnished sadly as I'm a mere human with faults and imperfections.

Onelifeonly · 21/11/2021 20:14

He was very tactless but perhaps he meant it as a backhanded compliment? In that he wasn't keen to start with but was once he got to know you - which is 1000 times better than the other way round.

If he hadn't said what he did, would you be having doubts? People can be tactless especially if drink loosens their tongues. I know I've said some stupid stuff in my time. Usually we filter out a lot, that's the reality. Unless you think he said it to hurt you, it's really about your insecurities, which given what you've said about your ex, are easy enough to understand.

But if you can't get past it, that's perfectly ok.

dudsville · 21/11/2021 20:20

I had an amazing first date date with my oh of nearly 20 years, but I clearly did not fancy him. We kept up a friends because I enjoyed his company so much and then we grew into a relationship. To be fair though, I think that although he was definitely keen at the start we probably have similar levels of physical attraction now, but we continue to love one another's company! It works for us.

Ohpulltheotherone · 21/11/2021 20:35

Ah that must sting OP.

I don’t think anyone would be happy being on the receiving end of this but you have to remember that not every successful relationship starts with an immediate spark and overflowing chemistry - some are slow burns or friendships that cross a line or causal flings that catch feels.

The start of your relationship doesn’t define the whole of it. Just because he didn’t immediately feel there was chemistry between the two of you, that doesn’t reduce what you have now.

I’ll be honest I really didn’t fancy my DP much to start, absolutely hated his shoes and coat and he did not look like his photos either. I wasn’t physically attracted but as it turned out, we ended up seeing each other again and our chemistry just blew up out of nowhere.
Absolutely adore the bones of him, love him dearly and fancy him loads.
I’d never bloody tell him I wasn’t fussed about him at first, but I promise you it doesn’t make my feelings less. Im so glad I didn’t stick to my initial thoughts because then Id never have ended up with him - and that thought makes me feel sick!

He’s been daft, he shouldn’t have told you but he’s not really done anything wrong OP. Not really. He was perfectly within his right to not fancy you and was perfectly within his right to change his mind! He’s not in the wrong for how he felt but he’s been really thoughtless in sharing it with you at this point.

If you’re relationship is otherwise great, then I’d really try to move past it.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 21/11/2021 21:23

That would be game over for me. No coming back from that.

BookFiend4Life · 21/11/2021 21:26

What an idiot. I'm sorry OP I'm sure you're lovely and are certainly out of his league either way! I don't know if I could get over it.

AnFiadhRua · 21/11/2021 21:35

@WorraLiberty

If you're already massively insecure about how you look, he shouldn't have told you.

Otherwise I'd laugh at his honesty now you're enjoying a relationship together.

Wow, sounds like over the course of the 18 months he's realised YOU were the catch and he's now afraid you'll see him for what he really brings to the table and he's trying to de-value you so you'll feel lucky to have him.

It's just such a pointlessly hurtful thing to say to somebody. Why would anybody say it off the cuff. There's got to be an agenda. I think his is to put you down.

Original poster

WillThisUsernameDo · 21/11/2021 21:41

I genuinely don’t think he has an agenda. He does have a bit of foot in mouth syndrome sometimes - we were at a kids party and it turned out he went to the same school as one of the other mum’s there, they were asking about people in common they might know and he said he thought he actually recognised her and was she in the year above him. She was actually about 17 years younger than him which would have been bloody obvious if he’d actually looked at her properly 🤦‍♀️. Things like that but never meant to be hurtful, he just doesn’t think.

I think more than anything it stings because I thought there was such a connection between us from the moment we met which I’ve genuinely never felt with anyone else before. But the whole time he was just sat there wanting to go home. Od spent ages getting ready too and thought I looked really nice. Pfft. Stupid men.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 21/11/2021 21:44

Sounds like a real dumbass when it comes to someone's feelings to me if he didn't stop to think that those words might be hurtful. And someone who should be careful not to drink too much since his mouth runs before his brain is fully engaged.

I don't think it's LTB territory right now though. But if he doesn't learn from your hurt over this to watch what he says, it might end up being the next time something similar happens!

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/11/2021 22:07

@WillThisUsernameDo

I genuinely don’t think he has an agenda. He does have a bit of foot in mouth syndrome sometimes - we were at a kids party and it turned out he went to the same school as one of the other mum’s there, they were asking about people in common they might know and he said he thought he actually recognised her and was she in the year above him. She was actually about 17 years younger than him which would have been bloody obvious if he’d actually looked at her properly 🤦‍♀️. Things like that but never meant to be hurtful, he just doesn’t think.

I think more than anything it stings because I thought there was such a connection between us from the moment we met which I’ve genuinely never felt with anyone else before. But the whole time he was just sat there wanting to go home. Od spent ages getting ready too and thought I looked really nice. Pfft. Stupid men.

Setting aside his gigantic foot in mouth moment, have you considered OP that you did genuinely have a connection and he's just not remembering things accurately?

Sitting through two whole dates with someone you're not enjoying being with and aren't attracted to, just to get a shag, seems unlikely - even for a fuckboy (which I'm not saying your DP is). It may be that his attraction to you grew over time, and it may be that you aren't his usual type - but factually his recollection doesn't stack up. Repeatedly calling you and saying how "out of his league" you were, doesn't really tally with him saying now that there wasn't an initial attraction.

Very gently though, I think you need to think about your own self-esteem and the language you use to talk to yourself. At no point has he said you were ugly or a "dog" and you've both those words about his opinion of you. Some of the hottest famous men around I don't "fancy" - doesn't mean they aren't gorgeous and stunningly good looking. It's no reflection on whether you looked good and I think you need to do a wee bit of work on being kinder to yourself.

gannett · 21/11/2021 22:45

I’m already massively insecure about how I look

This is the root of your issue I think? Look at it another way: you weren't necessarily his type but you made him fall in love with you anyway through sheer personality.

When it comes down to it, I appreciate honesty, even if it's tactless, if it's not coming from a negging or mean-spirited place. I don't need anyone to spin me pretty lies or fake compliments; I'm comfortable with my looks and I'm not bothered about whether I'm someone's type or not; and most importantly at 18 months I know that looks are one of the least important aspects of a relationship.

When I've asked friends about how they met their partners I've also heard a lot more "oh I didn't think they were my type at first, whoops, it's 10 years later" than "magical chemistry at first sight" stuff (well, the friend who always says the latter also ends up splitting from them within eight months).

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/11/2021 22:59

I can see both sides of this. On the one hand of course you want him to say he saw you and was bowled over.

On the other, he hasn't actually done anything wrong or said anything horrible. 'Not looking like your photo'...surely you've spoken to someone on the phone or seen a photo and then met them in real life and it's just different? Not bad but just different? Did you massively fancy him from the moment you saw his photo? If not then you also felt he didnt look like his photo. Lots of relationships start out as slow burners or friendships and there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean he thought you were a dog!

I think this is a case of him being too honest! There are loads of happy marriages that started out with a 'I fancy a random shag'. There are probably loads of conversations we dont have with our partners because we know we would have to admit to things that weren't the ideal romantic story.

I'd take a day to mope then try and put it behind you and focus on how he has treated you. Plenty of people come out with all the bullshit about how it was love at first sight but its actions that count more than words

FlowerArranger · 21/11/2021 23:13

So many excuses and twisted explanations for his extraordinarily selfish and dismissive behaviour ....... The mind boggles!

in vino veritas........ he said what he said, and it is unlikely that OP will every truly get past this.

Read The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, @WillThisUsernameDo. Maybe this'll help

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/11/2021 23:14

So many excuses and twisted explanations for his extraordinarily selfish and dismissive behaviour ....... The mind boggles!
Indeed.

billy1966 · 21/11/2021 23:28

Whatever the reason, it was a very detailed recollection that is deeply unflattering.

Having to grit his teeth being a particular low point.

I think this would just sour and spoil things for me.

I certainly wouldn't believe much that would come out of his mouth.

Too much detail for it to be random foot in mouth.

I really couldn't be arsed with him.

Sorry OP, you deserve better than being told someone had to grit their teeth to get through an evening with you.🙄

He must be very confident in himself and you to say those words.

Original poster

WillThisUsernameDo · 21/11/2021 23:48

I think I do need to work on my self esteem, thanks for the book recommendation @FlowerArranger, I’ll give it a go. I don’t really think of myself as particularly insecure on the whole, if he’d said he didn’t think we got on/ he didn’t think I was funny/ thought I was outspoken or whatever it wouldn’t bother me. I’m comfortable with how I am as a person as I know that I’m fucking adorable 😊 . It’s just my looks that I struggle with as there’s not much I can do to improve them, short of having surgery. Again, I know this is my issue and almost certainly linked to my ex husband telling me for years that the thought of seeing me naked or having to have sex with him made him feel physically sick.

I’ll try and move past it. I’m sure he wasn’t doing it with some ulterior motive in mind, it was just completely thoughtless.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 21/11/2021 23:53

I don't think I could get past this.

It's been 18 months, where is your relationship going with him?

jamandmarmalade21 · 21/11/2021 23:55

...gritted. my. teeth...

3 little words you were never expecting to hear and will likely never forget.

Picture yourselves at the altar Do you promise to grit your teeth love honour and cherish

The irony of it is you are now the one gritting your teeth to get through the next conversation.

This would completely change the dynamic for me.

If he was gritting his teeth through the date with you was he gritting his teeth during the shag?

Where did you find this dreamboat?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/11/2021 00:30

He was rather tactless but in some ways it's better that he fell in love with you, the person. Obviously alcohol loosens his tongue so he might well be advised to go easy on it.
I think your insecurities about your looks are clouding your judgement. You sound funny with a great personality so try to think of the positives in your relationship as it stands now, not 18 months ago. I hope you both overcome this glitch

Siepie · 22/11/2021 00:41

On our first date DP thought I was boring, and I thought DP was immature and irresponsible! Luckily having mutual friends meant we kept bumping into each other - we soon started to fancy each other, and have now been together for over a decade! We laugh about it now, and knowing we didn't have a "love at first sight" moment hasn't damaged our relationship. I think I'd be able to get over a comment about my photos too.

But that's in the context of a relationship where I have absolutely no doubts that DP is now attracted to me, and wouldn't try to 'neg' me. Has he given you any other reason to doubt him?

IamGusFring · 22/11/2021 00:57

The online dating thread on here always says treat the first date" like an interview to see if there is a possibility of an attraction" . All the time we see on here too " should I go on another date with this man?" . It's a first meet with a stranger ! It is your first viewing of them other than photos . You do not know their character . It is unlikely that you fall head over heels on a first date . Yes he was a twat saying what he did but your insecurities are driving you here .

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 22/11/2021 00:57

He may not have been overly attracted to you at the very beginning, but the important thing is his he feels now .you feel that he treats you well and he says he loves you, that should be all that matters.
I personally would struggle that I spent my first date with someone who had ‘gritted their teeth’ to get through it. Even worse if I had no idea that’s how he felt. It would certainly make me feel less trusting towards him.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/11/2021 01:00

@IamGusFring

The online dating thread on here always says treat the first date" like an interview to see if there is a possibility of an attraction" . All the time we see on here too " should I go on another date with this man?" . It's a first meet with a stranger ! It is your first viewing of them other than photos . You do not know their character . It is unlikely that you fall head over heels on a first date . Yes he was a twat saying what he did but your insecurities are driving you here .

But he told her he had to "grit his teeth" to get through it, and only accepted the second for a no strings shag... Just why would anyone think their partner needs to know this?