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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can’t get over this comment

148 replies

WillThisUsernameDo · 21/11/2021 17:19

I’ve been with do for about 18 months, thought all was great. Then, a couple of weeks ago after we’d had a few drinks we started chatting about our first date. He basically told me that he didn’t think there was a spark between us and that he didn’t think I looked like I did in my photos. He wanted to be polite though and got through the date and then thought that was that. He was really surprised when I got in touch and asked to see him again and he decided to do it because he thought there might be a shag in it (there was). Then he decided the sex was really good so he wanted to keep seeing me and he’s really glad he did as he’s now completely in love with me.

I know it’s probably stupid but I just can’t get over this. I’m already massively insecure about how I look but my photos weren’t filtered or overly flattering. I’m not overweight at all so it wasn’t that. I thought we got on really well the first few times we met and I fancied him like mad. It’s just made me feel like shit and I just can’t face seeing him atm as a result. He’s really upset and apologetic and said he only said it because he was drunk and has tried to minimise it since by saying that he just exaggerated when he told me that he was just gritting his teeth to get through our first date.

Would this bother you? How can I get over it?

OP posts:

jamandmarmalade21 · 22/11/2021 02:46

there is a world of difference between getting to know someone and gritting your teeth to get through a date just as a means of securing a shag during his dry spell.

At least you found out now OP.

TheGirlCat · 22/11/2021 03:14

I think OP since you are 18 months in, you each should be relaxed and comfortable enough to be honest. At lets be honest, most of us aren't in love at first sight. Attraction takes time to grow for most people. I cannot see what he said wrong, unless you want to wreck an 18 months relationship with a guy you clearly love, give your head a wobble honey and let it go.

TheGirlCat · 22/11/2021 03:14

@sunnyzweibrucken

Not sure I could get past those comments. They weren’t even necessary to mention after all this time . What purpose do they serve besides hurting your feelings and making you doubt yourself? They were mean but I’m pretty sensitive about my looks as I’m no beauty queen

@sunnyzweibrucken It's not like they were unnecessary random comments out of the blue. They were discussing their first date, and one would think each would be able to be honest enough and relaxed and comfortable enough 18 months in to talk honestly and openly.

BasiliskStare · 22/11/2021 03:35

I think you need to think seriously @WillThisUsernameDo about how you feel about him and how you honestly believe he thinks about you

I think there are some but not all relationships which are ( as in pontoon / vingt et un -) which are a 21 first off. Some are more of a 5 card trick - but a 5 card trick will normally beat the banker.

I can't tell you but try to think about are you taking all his bad comments and not the good ones or is he pulling you down - if he is just being an arse then time to walk away from the table.

PurpleSapphire · 22/11/2021 03:55

Some may disagree but I wouldn't overthink it. He shouldn't have said it the way he did but...
I've met people I wouldn't have been attracted to at first glance, not because they aren't attractive, maybe they just didn't stand out to me at the time. Then i've got to know them and it's the whole package, not just a photo, the way someone talks, smiles, laughs, moves, etc. I think love at first sight is very rare. Sometimes the spark does appear a bit later. Does it really matter if you're happy now?

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/11/2021 05:25

I’m so glad to read your last post. I thought you were heading to finishing with him. If you did that for this, you’d be allowing your ex to dictate your current relationship. I do, however, think it would be useful to have an honest discussion about how and why his comment upset you so much. Including body image, comments from your ex and feeling as though you’re now with a fuck boy.

QuinceTamarillo · 22/11/2021 05:39

I wouldn't worry that he's not attracted to you/doesn't think you're beautiful NOW - it's perfectly possible that his feelings changed when he got to know you and he really means it that he's glad and relieved he gave it a chance. And the "out of your league" stuff might not have been intentional lying - it may have had to do with other factors like (just for example) your being more secure financially/careerwise, more mature/generous/stable emotionally, etc. rather than appearance.

The fact that it wasn't love (or even like) at first sight and he gave it a chance and his affection/attraction grew over time is normal and even reassuring, I think. But if he said he was miserable on the first date didn't feel any connection and only saw you again because he thought you'd shag him, that's pretty tactless. In combination with the comments that he wrote you off because you didn't look like your pictures, he comes across as really shallow and kind of manipulative and it sounds like that's at odds with the general impression you've had of him. Only you know for sure if he is, but those aren't great character traits and in your place I'd be wondering if he's not quite the person I thought he was.

Also, it may be a good sign that he's comfortable enough to be honest with you now - but you've mentioned a few times that his "honesty" often comes along with being drunk, so I'd keep an eye out for possible issues around alcohol (not saying this is definitely the case, but maybe).

timeisnotaline · 22/11/2021 06:06

I think I’d probably get past it. I (apparently) met my dp first when we were both at the same residential thing together. Then we met again a couple of months later and he came cheerfully up and said hello great to see you again and I was sorry, who are you? So he had to get over that Which was over 20 years ago now.

TheLeadbetterLife · 22/11/2021 06:14

To be frank, you both sound terribly insecure. Him with his “you’re out of my league” stuff and you insisting he thinks you’re ugly when he said nothing of the sort.

Perhaps you both need to work on your self-esteem.

tiktokniknok · 22/11/2021 06:34

Actually his comment to the girl 17 years younger would be a red flag to me. Having been in a relationship with someone who did that. It wasn't innocent or foot in mouth at all. It's designed for said girl to react and think to herself 'gosh do I really look 17 years older than I am' ...

There are many red flags here. He knows you have low self esteem. I bet he figured that out pretty quickly without you saying you did.

tiktokniknok · 22/11/2021 06:35

@TheLeadbetterLife The 'you're out of my league' comment smells like intermittent reinforcement to me and not insecurity at all sadly.

tiktokniknok · 22/11/2021 06:38

@WillThisUsernameDo Be honest with yourself if you can. What has been your reaction? Have you been trying to look better, dress better as a result? If you have, that was probably what it was designed to do....

sandgrown · 22/11/2021 06:51

My ex was very “honest” in his comments and said things that I used to dwell upon like I was the biggest girl he had ever been with ! In the end he became besotted with me . Over time he made some inappropriate comments to friends and family which he just thought were funny . He lost his job over one comment. He was totally shocked as he no concept how hurtful his comments could be but I learnt to ignore them. But he was sober when he said them. I think your DP feels guilty for his initial feelings as he loves you now and just wanted to get it off his chest . If he is great in other ways give him a chance.

Lasair · 22/11/2021 06:57

I think love sometimes grows, you’re not always 100% sure of someone until after a few dates.

TheGirlCat · 22/11/2021 06:59

@tiktokniknok

There are many red flags here. He knows you have low self esteem. I bet he figured that out pretty quickly without you saying you did.

That is really a cynical and unfair view. Some people are really bad at judging ages. I am one of them. I've judged both men and women to be some times around 15 years older sometimes. Embarrassing when it happens. I can NEVER tell someone's age, I am absolutely hopeless with it. Some people just can't judge ages. It really is as innocent as that, as simple as that, and as straight forward as that. Nothing sinister or negative at all.

TheGirlCat · 22/11/2021 07:02

And OP in vino veritas. If he says the you're out of my league and I am so lucky to have you comments when he's been drinking, that is how he genuinely feels deep down. It sounds like he really truly loves you.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 22/11/2021 07:08

The problem now, is that every time he says something about either fancying you or your appearance, you're going to question if he's telling the truth.

Regardless if he knows about how you feel about your appearance, it's a pretty shitty thing to say to someone. 'I didn't fancy you, just fancied a shag and stayed because you were good in bed' urghhhh I think I'd bin him. Life is too short to be around someone who will make you question their sincerity all the time.

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/11/2021 07:10

@gannett

I’m already massively insecure about how I look

This is the root of your issue I think? Look at it another way: you weren't necessarily his type but you made him fall in love with you anyway through sheer personality.

When it comes down to it, I appreciate honesty, even if it's tactless, if it's not coming from a negging or mean-spirited place. I don't need anyone to spin me pretty lies or fake compliments; I'm comfortable with my looks and I'm not bothered about whether I'm someone's type or not; and most importantly at 18 months I know that looks are one of the least important aspects of a relationship.

When I've asked friends about how they met their partners I've also heard a lot more "oh I didn't think they were my type at first, whoops, it's 10 years later" than "magical chemistry at first sight" stuff (well, the friend who always says the latter also ends up splitting from them within eight months).

This.

A lot of people on this thread have clear insecurity and trust issues, least of all the OP.

I think your DP sounds amazing. So honest and funny in a clusterfuck kind of way.

How come the only thing that matters to you is how you look in an 18 month relationship.

Equally how sad to end what sounds like a good LTR on the advice of some mumsnetters who can't handle not being the Most Beautiful Woman In The World.

girlmom21 · 22/11/2021 07:48

OP can I just say that if he can't control what he says when he's drunk, he probably needs to stop drinking.

We've all clearly got very different views on this specific instance because it was about when you first met, but he genuinely often upsets you when he's had a drink and he needs to stop that

Angel876 · 22/11/2021 07:53

Hi OP,

Firstly, shame on you ladies who have replied by minimising her feelings or calling her oversensitive. I would personally break up with him because he's revealed how cruel he can be. Ask yourself honestly, is it a one off, or has you put you down before? My guess is that it's repeated behaviour. You deserve better, whatever you look like. I'm sure you're beautiful too, but looks are irrelevant. Good luck

billy1966 · 22/11/2021 08:00

Big difference between I didn't think you were my type on our first meeting to gritting my teeth as I thought I might get a shag.

I think it says SO much about him.

OP, he's correct on one point, he is punching way above him, be wary if you decide to continue to see him, he's no catch, that's for sure.

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 22/11/2021 08:10

I would struggle to continue with this relationship. I have similar insecurities and with you exH history I would need someone who was a bit more tactful. You sound lovely and don't deserve to have these sorts of comments made by someone who should be working to build you up.

FrancescaContini · 22/11/2021 08:15

[quote WillThisUsernameDo]@RaisedByPangolins it was just totally humiliating. I’d just said that I fancied the pants off him as soon as I met him which I don’t think I’ve ever felt about a man before. Then he tells me that he basically thought I was a dog and only saw me again because he hadn’t had a shag in ages and thought there might be a chance with me.[/quote]
Did he actually say he thought you looked like a dog?? I wouldn’t be able to get past this. It’s very hurtful.

5128gap · 22/11/2021 08:42

I've felt like this in many new relationships, its often been a slow burn as I've got to like the person. I've also thought I was lucky to be with men who were not as good looking as me, and who I didn't consider gorgeous, because they had other amazing qualities, humour, intelligence etc. The two problems here to me are firstly that he thought it was ok to tell you, which is insensitive at best, cruel at worst. Secondly that he was prepared to use you for sex, which says a lot about him, none of it good.

Original poster

WillThisUsernameDo · 22/11/2021 09:27

He really, really hasn’t put been down before, been hurtful towards me or anything. It’s something I’ve really been looking out for as, as I said in OP, I’m fresh out of a long, sexless marriage and I really wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him. I still think this has all happened a bit too quickly and I’m concerned it’s just a rebound relationship as I developed such strong feelings for him in such a short space of time.

@gannett I think you’re right, the issue is more my insecurity than his comment. I do appreciate honesty and I don’t think badly of him for saying he met me because he thought there might be a shag in it. That’s pretty much the reason I wanted to see him again anyway, I hadn’t had sex for 5 years and thought he was absolutely gorgeous. He was the one that contacted me to arrange a third date so it wasn’t like he just shagged me then ghosted me.

OP posts:

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