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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t get over this comment

148 replies

WillThisUsernameDo · 21/11/2021 17:19

I’ve been with do for about 18 months, thought all was great. Then, a couple of weeks ago after we’d had a few drinks we started chatting about our first date. He basically told me that he didn’t think there was a spark between us and that he didn’t think I looked like I did in my photos. He wanted to be polite though and got through the date and then thought that was that. He was really surprised when I got in touch and asked to see him again and he decided to do it because he thought there might be a shag in it (there was). Then he decided the sex was really good so he wanted to keep seeing me and he’s really glad he did as he’s now completely in love with me.

I know it’s probably stupid but I just can’t get over this. I’m already massively insecure about how I look but my photos weren’t filtered or overly flattering. I’m not overweight at all so it wasn’t that. I thought we got on really well the first few times we met and I fancied him like mad. It’s just made me feel like shit and I just can’t face seeing him atm as a result. He’s really upset and apologetic and said he only said it because he was drunk and has tried to minimise it since by saying that he just exaggerated when he told me that he was just gritting his teeth to get through our first date.

Would this bother you? How can I get over it?

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 21/11/2021 18:05

Surely the important point is how he feels about you now and that he treats you well.

Poppins88 · 21/11/2021 18:06

For me this is about emotional intelligence. There are probably lots of relationships that have started out with one side fancying the other less or not at all but you'd hope they'd have the tact/empathy not to tell you this. He's also quite happy for you to know he's the kind of man who will entertain a woman he knows likes him who he's not particularly attracted to, just to have some sex. On top of that he's confirmed that had you not reached out, you would not be in relationship now

but luckily for you, you "grew on him".Hmm So to summarise, he has low to no emotional intelligence, is a bit of a cad & doesn't mind you knowing that ... personally I could never be with someone like this and I'm not surprised you're struggling with it.

VillageOf8 · 21/11/2021 18:09

@Blanca87

For me I’m in a stage of my life I will only be around people I feel nourished by. If there is any whiff of people making me feeling bad about myself I will extract them from my life. He would be gone, on the basis of what you have said. He really is not worth it and you will probably reflect he has most likely said other really cunty things in the past that your insecurities have overlooked. You can do way better than this ❤️
Just wanted to second this.

This is exactly how I am as well. At my stage in life, I have no time or patience for anyone's bs. It doesn't matter if it's a partner, friend, family member, whatever. If you're trying to make me feel bad on purpose, you're out my life quickly. Life is too short for me to allow people to insult me, especially people who are supposed to care about me.

It's one thing to be honest. It's another thing to be insulting and mean. It's ok if he didn't feel instant attraction to you, that's common. I didn't feel instant attraction to my husband when I first met him. But the way he talked about getting sex from you is gross. So if you didn't have sex with him when you did, he would not have stayed long enough to "love" you.

Also, you say he was drunk when he said it. People say the things they are thinking when they're drunk and no longer have a filter. Being drunk is no excuse for being mean and personally, I wouldn't let anyone use alcohol as their excuse for insulting me. If you become mean when you drink, then don't drink. Some people will tell you that since he was drunk, it's ok and you need to forgive him. If he hit you when he was drunk, I wonder if people would expect you to forgive him still? "But he was drunk! He didn't mean to hit you. He said he was sOrRy" You can feel how you want to feel about it and if this bothers you, then you have some decisions to make.

girlmom21 · 21/11/2021 18:12

So he wasn't sure after the first date and now he's in love with you - so I don't understand why you're focussing on the start if the relationship now is so good.

I don't think many people think their relationship has legs after date 1 or 2.

Original poster
WillThisUsernameDo · 21/11/2021 18:12

No, he didn’t say I was a dog. Just that he didn’t think I looked like my photos and therefore didn’t see much point in making too much of an effort but didn’t want to be rude so just gritted his teeth and got through the date. He’s done absolutely nothing else in the last 18 months that suggests that he’s negging at all. For the first few months we were together he kept saying how lucky he was and that he couldn’t believe his luck as I was so out of his league. But that was obviously just bullshit.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 21/11/2021 18:14

Either monumentally tactless but otherwise an acceptable human or negging.: only you know him well enough to decide which it is. Is he usually thoughtful and decent? If so, a frank discussion about what is and is not helpful and supportive in a relationship might be in order. If this is actually part of a pattern, you may want to reconsider how much of a catch he is.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/11/2021 18:17

For the first few months we were together he kept saying how lucky he was and that he couldn’t believe his luck as I was so out of his league
I wouldn't like that much either...

HollowTalk · 21/11/2021 18:17

Gritted his teeth? WTF?

girlmom21 · 21/11/2021 18:18

For the first few months we were together he kept saying how lucky he was and that he couldn’t believe his luck as I was so out of his league. But that was obviously just bullshit

You can be out of someone's league in more ways than just looks-wise

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/11/2021 18:19

@HollowTalk

Gritted his teeth? WTF?
😂. From this to "you're so out of my league I can't believe my luck". He sounds like a tosser, tbh.
FlowerArranger · 21/11/2021 18:26

I agree with @Poppins88, but would add that it could also be a conscious strategy of undermining you, making you feel insecure and worried whether you're good enough to be with him........ with a view of permanently having the upper hand in this relationship, do that you feel lucky to be with him.

Impossible to tell from your posts, @WillThisUsernameDo, but in your shoes I'd be watchful.,

HollowTalk · 21/11/2021 18:30

Quite funny really - can you imagine gritting your teeth to get through a date but then seeing someone again just in case there was a shag involved?

Lucked · 21/11/2021 18:31

Coming at this from the other side. Me and DH were vague acquaintances for years and I never fancied him. We snogged one drunken night at a party and he was keen to start dating, I didn’t think it would go far but here we are 30+ years later still getting on fantastically.

Original poster
WillThisUsernameDo · 21/11/2021 18:31

I did call him out on the daft “you’re so out of my league” comments as I told him they were daft. Again, they were things he only said when he’d had a couple of drinks. We don’t live near each other so generally only see each other at weekends. At the beginning we’d video call all the time and he’d often call me on the way back from the pub and do the whole “I’m so lucky to have met you, you’re way out of my league” etc. It was quite sweet but also I was a bit wary of being love bombed so I asked him to stop it which he did.

He really has been perfect otherwise. I’ve been massively wary as we got together not long after I separated from exH and I really wasn’t looking or expecting to get straight into another relationship. We met online (not a dating website) and just decided to meet up as I was in his town one weekend. I really don’t think he’s playing games or “negging” as he is genuinely apologetic about it and keeps asking what he can do to make it better. I just feel like shit as I finally got my confidence back with him after being stuck in a sexless marriage with a man who happily told me the thought of me naked made him feel sick. I just can’t bear the thought of him touching me or seeing me naked again knowing that he thinks I’m ugly.

OP posts:
Original poster
WillThisUsernameDo · 21/11/2021 18:32

@HollowTalk that’s exactly what I said! Only a man would ever do that.

OP posts:
Dery · 21/11/2021 18:36

IME women are much better at conversation that requires tact and sensitivity than men are. And a lot of smooth-talking men can’t really be trusted. Even the best relationships have moments where one partner inadvertently hurts the other’s feelings in precisely this kind of way. Nobody’s perfect. If everything’s been going really well for ages and he’s very much in love with you now, I’d just put this behind you and move on.

Dery · 21/11/2021 18:38

And I set much more store by feelings that have grown over time and as you’ve got to know each other than by what someone feels at the outset which can’t be based on reality anyway.

LoveComesQuickly · 21/11/2021 18:45

My friend didn't fancy her DH for the first few dates but stuck with it to see if things developed. They've been married for 16 years now. It was a bit tactless of him to tell you though.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/11/2021 19:12

For me those comments would undermine my sense of trust in him. I would be constantly looking back in everything he'd said & wondering what was true or not.

AsymQuestion · 21/11/2021 19:12

From what you're saying he sounds like the kind of man that talks shit when sloppy drunk.

Everything he says could be genuine but i have to say if his 'youre so out of my league' stuff was a genuine feeling for him when you first met, I too would be thinking; it doesn't line up with him being someone that would go on a date and go 'she doesn't look like photos, I don't like her and I see any good qualities nor do I want to find out about her as a person, goodbye... but oh wait, I might use her for sex, yeah that'll do'.

People do obviously have stories about not immediately fancying someone etc then falling in love, their partners learn this, it's okay, a funny story. But I think the in depth way he communicates/the delivery and content of this information when drunk is what makes it even more unappealing.

And also people saying you're being too sensitive, I really disagree, hearing your life partner, a man you want to trust and respect say, ' I was going to use you for sex if I could' ...err yeah that's fine if that's ok with you but for many it would be very understandably upsetting and off-putting.

WakeuptoCake · 21/11/2021 19:17

I think the way he expressed it was so poor. Not just saying I didn’t fancy you at first but saying he had to grit his teeth and then came back just for a shag. That I would find really hard to deal with. I wouldn’t feel secure in my attractiveness around him anymore.
We all should have partners who fancy us. Yeah that can grow over time but I dunno this would just keep playing on my mind

EarringsandLipstick · 21/11/2021 19:20

@WakeuptoCake

I think the way he expressed it was so poor. Not just saying I didn’t fancy you at first but saying he had to grit his teeth and then came back just for a shag. That I would find really hard to deal with. I wouldn’t feel secure in my attractiveness around him anymore. We all should have partners who fancy us. Yeah that can grow over time but I dunno this would just keep playing on my mind
I agree with all this.
GertietheGherkin · 21/11/2021 19:24

So if he's honest and says he wasn't captivated on the first date he's wrong?

If he says he decided to chance his luck and agree to a second date, to then say he was under league he's wrong?

Guy can't really win can he now?

I'd just cut your losses and walk away OP, as he's got no chance now, you'll be on high alert about the slightest comment now, people's comments on here about him will stay in your head, and he'll sense your unease and be walking on eggshells for fear of saying the wrong thing.

It doesn't sound like you were ready to date when you first met, OLD is a minefield in itself. You've had 18 mths with this guy, and yet one drunken comment has got him discussed and dissected on here.

I'd end it, get some support for dealing with confidence and the damage caused by your ex-husband.

No doubt you'll probably think this sounds extreme, and he's not bad enough to warrant such action. And to be honest I'd agree, but nothing will make his words unsaid, and you've started this thread and won't see him. It's a slippery slope it seems now.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2021 19:28

He's really, really stupid. I couldn't be with someone so fucking daft.

supercali77 · 21/11/2021 19:30

Id never be able to get over that series of events myself. Not being initially physically attracted but getting to know me and falling for me would be one thing....but saying thought he might get a shag out of it. Theres personality and there's character and the second one is lacking for me. but we're all different. If you think this is going to undermine your confidence and security for the remainder it won't have legs.