Page 6 | I can’t get over this comment

WillThisUsernameDo · 2021-11-21T17:19:36+00:00

I’ve been with do for about 18 months, thought all was great. Then, a couple of weeks ago after we’d had a few drinks we started chatting about our first date. He basically told me that he didn’t think there was a spark between us and that he didn’t think I looked like I did in my photos. He wanted to be polite though and got through the date and then thought that was that. He was really surprised when I got in touch and asked to see him again and he decided to do it because he thought there might be a shag in it (there was). Then he decided the sex was really good so he wanted to keep seeing me and he’s really glad he did as he’s now completely in love with me. I know it’s probably stupid but I just can’t get over this. I’m already massively insecure about how I look but my photos weren’t filtered or overly flattering. I’m not overweight at all so it wasn’t that. I thought we got on really well the first few times we met and I fancied him like mad. It’s just made me feel like shit and I just can’t face seeing him atm as a result. He’s really upset and apologetic and said he only said it because he was drunk and has tried to minimise it since by saying that he just exaggerated when he told me that he was just gritting his teeth to get through our first date. Would this bother you? How can I get over it?

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2021 17:20

I’m on the fence here purely because I have seen th other side of this

A male friend of mine, divorced is with a woman he states is “very plain”, he has introduced her to local friends but wont introduce her to others, because of what she looks like.

And sadly she adores him and literally shags for Britain, so he stays in it, she thinks she’s in a relationship, they’ve all met each other’s kids, he declares he’s single to anyone who will listen. It is her looks that are the issue for him.

To be honest most people would say he is much better looking than her. He stays with her for the company and the sex. I don’t know what he tells her to her face, but he’s embarrassed of her. It’s awful.

It’s going to end in tears, but he’s getting sex and for him that’s all that matters right now. She’s offering up lots of sex so he’s staying with it.

mewkins · 25/11/2021 17:35

@Bluntness100

I’m on the fence here purely because I have seen th other side of this

A male friend of mine, divorced is with a woman he states is “very plain”, he has introduced her to local friends but wont introduce her to others, because of what she looks like.

And sadly she adores him and literally shags for Britain, so he stays in it, she thinks she’s in a relationship, they’ve all met each other’s kids, he declares he’s single to anyone who will listen. It is her looks that are the issue for him.

To be honest most people would say he is much better looking than her. He stays with her for the company and the sex. I don’t know what he tells her to her face, but he’s embarrassed of her. It’s awful.

It’s going to end in tears, but he’s getting sex and for him that’s all that matters right now. She’s offering up lots of sex so he’s staying with it.

I don't think I could be friends with this man.

Original poster

WillThisUsernameDo · 25/11/2021 18:20

@Bluntness100 he sounds awful.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/11/2021 19:07

@Bluntness100

I couldn't be friends with such a colossal cunt. He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

AnFiadhRua · 25/11/2021 19:40

I agree, I don't have many male friends to be honest but none who'd behave like that, consciously, and admit it

MuckyPlucky · 25/11/2021 20:08

Nope. Couldn’t get past that in your position OP. Thinking of him having to ‘grit his teeth’ to be with me would haunt me. You’ve every right to feel sorely hurt and want to lick your wounds and withdraw for a bit.

My DP has foot in mouth syndrome too, and has said some things that have made me feel similar. I think partly he’s just not very good with words, but some of them have stayed with me, and I don’t think I’ll stick around if there are any further instances.

@Bluntness100 - I’ve no idea how you can call such a selfish, calculating, shallow cunt a ‘friend’. I’d feel ashamed to call someone like that a friend.

CheekyHobson · 25/11/2021 20:23

I think it's worth maybe exploring the comment that's triggered you a bit further. He said that he didn't think you looked like your photos – but what does that mean exactly? You've interpreted it to mean he thought you "were a dog" (a very harsh and critical judgement of yourself) but that's not actually what he said.

Given that he later said he felt you were out of his league, I'm wondering if your interpretation that he meant you were unattractive might not even be right either.

Maybe he was expecting you to look 'ordinary', but you turned up looking super-glam and he felt uncomfortable, like "Wow, this chick is super-into appearances and that's a bit intense for me". But as he got to know you, he realised you were very nice and more down-to-earth than he thought.

You could try asking him in a relaxed way, "Hey, when you said I looked different to my pictures, how was it different? What were you expecting?" The answer might surprise you. He might say, "I just didn't think you were my type", don't instantly interpret that to mean "My type is 'pretty' and you were ugly". Stay with it. Ask, 'Oh... what was your type?" Actually try to explore it without judging yourself or him.

After all, as you say, he also says he's absolutely in love with you. Why don't you believe that and feel good? Even if he loves you more for your personality than your looks, would that be a bad thing? Why would it be more important to you to be loved for your looks than who you are?

Wondergirl100 · 25/11/2021 20:52

Op its clear this has triggered other anxieties - you have moved from him telling you he didn't immediately fancy you (which surely is a total reasonable position - think how many people start off as friends and then gradually develop feelings) - to saying he thought you were a 'dog. He didn't say that.

Only you know if he is a good guy - but I don't think that him telling you that you grew on him over the first couple of dates is in any way an insult to you is it?

You may have to be confident enough to accept you felt more strongly in the first date stage - but clearly he fell for you - and pretty quickly too if it was within a couple of dates

Can you imagine other couples where they knew each other and feelings developed from at first just being platonic? You can see that is a normal way for people to end up in a relatioship = so why does he have to have fancied you at first glance?

the fact that you think that means you 'looked like a dog' is just telling us something about your own fears about yourself.

Wondergirl100 · 25/11/2021 20:53

Also - surely a great compliment that the sex blew him away so much he began to really fancy you - that's real chemistry not just 'first glance ' attraction.

MuckyPlucky · 25/11/2021 21:26

Everyone who’s saying OP is blowing things out of proportion or insecure must have missed the part where her ‘D’P told her he’d “had to grit his teeth to get through their second date” … Had to GRIT HIS TEETH TO GET THROUGH IT.

Stop trying to gaslight the OP into thinking it’s in her head or she’s just insecure. The problem isn’t in OP’s mind, it’s in that cruel & unkind comment.

CheekyHobson · 25/11/2021 21:59

Everyone who’s saying OP is blowing things out of proportion or insecure must have missed the part where her ‘D’P told her he’d “had to grit his teeth to get through their second date” … Had to GRIT HIS TEETH TO GET THROUGH IT.

It was the first date and not the second, but the thing he said doesn't matter so much as what he actually meant by it.

Imagine if you showed up to a date expecting a guy dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and he was dressed to the nines in a suit with a flower in the lapel. You'd might well be pretty thrown by this and assume a few things, like he wouldn't be attracted to you, you were very different people, you found how he presented himself a bit OTT. So you just sat and smiled through it/gritted your teeth while thinking "There's no way this will work".

Afterwards though, he seemed very keen to see you again and you figured you hadn't been laid in a while so no harm in a shag with someone who is attractive enough. But then after you do the deed, you start to think, actually, maybe I've been a bit hard here, he's actually very sweet.

I can't count the number of times I've read on here that a woman went on a few dates with a man before she started thinking there might be something in it other than friendship, or that she couldn't stand her DH when she first met him.

Udouhun · 25/11/2021 22:22

Honestly? There'd be no recovery from that for me. It's such a horrible thing to say. Definitely something he should have kept to himself! Sorry OP, I'd dump him.

Deela14 · 25/11/2021 22:30

I mean you posted on here in your original op saying you couldnt get over what he said (and rightfully so) but then i read all your replies after that op and its all

"He didnt mean that

He wouldnt do this

He hasnt done that

He never meant ..."

You get the picture.

I dont really understand what you wanted out of this thread if all you are going to do is defend the very thing that made you feel shitty enough to post this in the first place

Thatsplentyjack · 25/11/2021 22:30

Yup I would now be thinking that he's oy with me because I'm decent in bed.
That was a shut thing for him to say.

Original poster

WillThisUsernameDo · 26/11/2021 00:07

I hadn’t considered he might have thought I looked different in terms of what I was wearing. I don’t ever wear dresses or heels and did turn up fo our first date in jeans and a (smartish) top whereas he was in a suit. We went on holiday a few months ago and he said that I’m the only woman he’s ever been out with who wouldn’t even pack a dress or skirt on a summer holiday. I do always wear a full face of make up though so maybe he thought I’d be glam all over.

deela14 my issue was with his one comment he made. I said in my op that he’s a lovely man, that he’s never done anything else to raise any flags in the 18 months we’ve been together and that he’s hugely apologetic for having upset me. It’s just a bit tiresome how many people are determined to ignore that and insist that one comment, 18 months into a relationship is the beginning of him ‘negging’ me, putting me in my place or him gaslighting me. The comment he made was really hurtful but I know it’s my own issues that is causing me to blow it all out of proportion. He’s a man that I love deeply so I’m going to defend him from comments that are simply wrong. It’s frustrating when I’m trying to say he’s not doing something on purpose just to have people insist that he is.

OP posts:

Original poster

WillThisUsernameDo · 26/11/2021 00:09

@Thatsplentyjack I wouldn’t mind if he was with me at the beginning because I was decent in bed. That was largely the reason I carried on seeing him for the first few months. The only difference was I thought there was a huge mutual attraction and now I feel I got that wrong.

OP posts:

mewkins · 26/11/2021 10:36

@WillThisUsernameDo

I hadn’t considered he might have thought I looked different in terms of what I was wearing. I don’t ever wear dresses or heels and did turn up fo our first date in jeans and a (smartish) top whereas he was in a suit. We went on holiday a few months ago and he said that I’m the only woman he’s ever been out with who wouldn’t even pack a dress or skirt on a summer holiday. I do always wear a full face of make up though so maybe he thought I’d be glam all over.

deela14 my issue was with his one comment he made. I said in my op that he’s a lovely man, that he’s never done anything else to raise any flags in the 18 months we’ve been together and that he’s hugely apologetic for having upset me. It’s just a bit tiresome how many people are determined to ignore that and insist that one comment, 18 months into a relationship is the beginning of him ‘negging’ me, putting me in my place or him gaslighting me. The comment he made was really hurtful but I know it’s my own issues that is causing me to blow it all out of proportion. He’s a man that I love deeply so I’m going to defend him from comments that are simply wrong. It’s frustrating when I’m trying to say he’s not doing something on purpose just to have people insist that he is.

Hmmm. Have you not read any of the hundreds of posts on this forum about abusive words and actions creeping up gradually? If abusive people showed their true colors at the very start of relationship, they wouldn't ever BE in a relationship. You can dismiss what he has said which is horrible, and I think designed to make you feel grateful that he stuck with you. But I reckon over time there may be a few more of these comments (see the woman at party comment and the holiday one).

It really isn't you, it's him.

tiktokniknok · 26/11/2021 10:44

@mewkins I also
Think his holiday dress comment was a bit underhanded.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/11/2021 10:49

OP the issue is not your insecurity. The issue is his self absorption and unkindness to tell you that. Only someone very, very stupid or very, very cruel would say that to their partner.

I feel other posters are minimising this. I think the longer you stay with him the more these ‘innocent little comments’ will proliferate. I think you should tread very carefully.

WakeuptoCake · 26/11/2021 10:51

When someone says they don’t look like your photos and don’t follow up with ‘ you looked better’ then you know they mean you looked worse. So don’t really get the pp trying to take the common sense out of it and excuse him.
Followed by gritting his teeth on the date ( just horrible) and coming back to use you for a shag ( so likely you would have been ghosted if no good - lovely chap !)
Couple with his comments to that obviously younger woman ..
I wouldn’t feel secure with this guy and he needs to sort his cruel verbal diarrhoea out. Perhaps, stop drinking if he’s so mean.
Op you do you, the majority of comments have said this isn’t on and is not going to build your low self esteem. I’m sure you won’t forget these comments. If you’re happy to stay and risk more of the same things that’s up to you. When someone loves you drunk or otherwise- they don’t say things like this which are obviously hurtful.
Good luck and I hope it doesn’t happen again

Onelifeonly · 26/11/2021 14:51

OP take from the comments what resonates with you. Everyone projects from their own experiences. I've not been badly treated by men in general, for example, so I am fairly forgiving of one off mistakes. Others will have very different experiences and your bf's comment may trigger something in them. That doesn't mean any of us are right or wrong in your case. Only you actually know this man.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/11/2021 15:26

I don’t think it’s fair to suggest that the posters who are uncomfortable with what this man said are triggered necessarily, although some may be. For some it’s more to do with having standards about how people should treat each other/levels of consideration.

WakeuptoCake · 26/11/2021 15:32

@AtrociousCircumstance

I don’t think it’s fair to suggest that the posters who are uncomfortable with what this man said are triggered necessarily, although some may be. For some it’s more to do with having standards about how people should treat each other/levels of consideration.

Agree, I’ve not had any bad experiences really. Guess having strong boundaries prevents those ones hanging about