5 week old baby. wife wants a divorce :(

[wallabyjack]

we had our 3rd child 5 weeks ago. My close family members told us we should have terminated the pregnancy but we didnt. So here we are. With a 3 and 5 year old already and our 3rd baby at 44.

My wife and I had a great relationship before kids. But whenever she became pregnant, and especially post natally, she turns into a different person (unrecognisable in fact) for reasons I will never know. Imagine PMS on steroids, with sleep deprivation.

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex, so at 44 we have our 3rd child now. My family members warned me against keeping the 3rd as we had a rocky relationship with just the 2 kids.

About 1 week after the recent birth, she turned into this raging, angry, irrational critical monster and now I cannot do anything wrong. I am back sleeping on the couch, and our other 2 kids are playing up BIG time, screaming and seemingly anxious at their situation. We recently reloated interstate which doesnt help.

I am literally in hell.

She says I dont lift a finger (not true) I am inconsiderate and an ass. In reality I look after the other 2 kids about 40 hours a week, more than my fulltime job. I am exhausted. She is more so.

She says she cant do this anymore and wants us to divorce. She wants 50/50 and says the issues cannot be fixed. We tried counselling in the past but gave up, as the counsellor said my wife is "unable to see any point of view except her own". My wife ended the sessions last time citing a waste of time.

I have been on antidepressants since our second child, triggered by the unhappy relationship and the negativity and criticisms.

We are 5 weeks in and she is threatening. What do I do? I am so over this abuse and anger, but I love my family for what it represents, and with kids so young. would i really get regular time with them if we separate

How long should I give it? I am so worried about destroying the potential that our family unit will get back to its old self....

help!

Move out and do the 50/50 she has requested.
If things weren’t great before last DC then they are unlikely to improve short term.
Focus on your DC and maintaining a good relationship with them.

You should NEVER have allowed a third child to happen, what were you thinking? You could have had the intimacy without bringing another child into this situation.

You dont have many options. I feel for you. You need to move out ASAP for your own sanity

If she was like this after the first 2 then you must have known it was a possibility it would happen again. Her hormones are probably still all over the place but if it is unbearable for you maybe divorce us the way to go?

How long should I give it? how long do you want to give it? It's up to you really. I'd bare in mind neither of you are getting much sleep at the moment. But if it becomes nasty and especially at all violent then keep yourself safe.

Have you ever considered that the reason your wife changes dramatically is because she might have post natal depression? Has that ever been explored?

Whether she does or doesn't it does sound like she is at the end of the road. Do you have family nearby that you could move in with temporarily? A temporary separation could be an option if you are not sure. However I would definitely look at PND for your wife.

However I would definitely look at PND for your wife. I agree with this, it's so common.

As above her behaviour screams post natal depression and untreated things will get worse. You used the term interstate so am guessing you live in the US, talk to your doctor, get her a specialist in the field. She desperately needs help.

If she was fine before jids then the chances are she has it bad and the PND has never been resolved between kids.

If you love her and your family get her help, she sounds very ill.

I’d put a lot of money that your wife is on mumsnet and has started threads too

Sounds like your wife definitely needs professional help. A friend’s daughter ended up hospitalised after both her babies were born.

I don’t think you can just leave atm as it is unlikely she can look after 3 children on her own.

First of all, calm down.
You are a family in crisis. Can all the bullying extended family be cut off. How dare they suggest a termination. Ignore that, the child is here.
Is yourwife receiving ongoing medical support? She is only a few weeks post delivery so won’t have even nave it to her six week check yet. Do they even do that in the states? (You sound America?) The six week check will often uncover post delivery crisis.
You say that you have recently moved. Who’s idea was that? Yours? And why? Does your wife have any support network? How was all the mental load shared out? Registering with doctors, schools etc?
Forget about talk of divorce. What your wife needs is support, support, support. So you are in the couch. Big deal. There is a tiny new born in the house. Suck it up for a little while. Is your wife breastfeeding? Support her. She needs rest, decent food, the other two taking out in the fresh air. Stop Minangkabau and man up.

Sounds horrific. I would want your family to do a lot more helping and a lot less opinionating, they seem to have a lot to say. But perhaps your wife struggles to let anyone else help?

I would want your wife to see a doctor PDQ to consider PND or even postnatal psychosis.

Can you take some sick leave or paternity leave or carers leave or all three from work, and see a doctor yourself?

From what you're saying your sex life has tanked a long time ago and it may be that your marriage is over but at he moment that would be like having contract discussions in the middle of a hurricane.

Do your older children go to childcare at all, or can any family members help out until your wife has seen a doctor?

Neither of you is thinking rationally at the moment. Its hard to think rationally when exhausted, overworked and sleep deprived.

The one advantage of divorce combined with 50-50 care is that you each get 50% of the time where you get to recharge your batteries and neither of you are getting that at the moment.

However, divorce followed by running two houses that are both big enough for 3 kids is going to be extremely expensive. Before going down that road, look into getting some seriously expensive paid help - it will be cheaper than a divorce in the long run. I mean a live-in nanny plus whatever else you need to both feel you have time in the day when you aren't constantly draining the last drop of fuel from and empty tank. Not forever but at least till your youngest is 4ish, then you can gradually reduce your expenditure on staffing to something more affordable.

Yes this will be eye-wateringly expensive but so is the alternative.

Also, don’t disregard counselling. I’m assuming these sessions were prethirdchild? You are a different family now so any counselling would be about your circumstances NOW.

I agree with others that it sounds like your wife is suffering with PND, in which case I would be very hesitant in leaving her alone with 3 young kids if I were you. Instead I would insist she sees a doctor and then go from there. How has your relationship been between babies, so like in the past couple of years?

The baby is here so no point talking about terminations. 3 kids under 5 with a newborn is tough. Be supportive. If she is thinking that splitting up is better than being together it is because you're not doing enough - either physically or emotionally - she thinks life will be easier on her own and with you doing 50%. So whatever you think your input is so far, do more! Don't wait for her to ask you to do stuff, if you see washing needs doing then do it, dry it and put it away. Do the shopping because it is hard shopping with 3 kids. Either cook or look after all the kids whilst she cooks. Take all the kids out for a few hours and tell her to rest.

Because in my experience, when men think they help, it is such a tiny useless drop in the ocean of what needs doing that it isn't any help and actually dealing with them just adds to a workload.

Don't come to me complaining about your wife. You were desperate for sex? Then she's pregnant? Have you heard of condoms? The ancient Egyptians used them, so not exactly a new idea.

I read a lot there about what your family wanted. You have three children but they and your wife are not 'your family' yet?

Does your wife have proper mental health care? Your post reads as if she's left to deal with her PND/post-partum (?) psychosis or whatever it is on her own.

If she wants rid of you, facilitate that. She has three babies, she doesn't need an adult-sized one as well. If you decide to stay, get yourself a vasectomy asap, and her some effective mental health care. Organise some domestic help and childcare. Today is a good day to step up, stop whining and get on with the job.

@DeadoftheMoon

Why are you absolving this woman of all responsibility? She needs to get herself help. Shes an adult.

?postnatal depression?

[quote alienbaby]@DeadoftheMoon

Why are you absolving this woman of all responsibility? She needs to get herself help. Shes an adult.[/quote]
Have you actually ever experienced PND alien baby . I can’t imagine anyone who has ever making such a simplistic amd I empathetic statement . Seeking help is often EXTREMELY difficult and ever recognising one is suffering pnd is hugely difficult for many women

We’re not absolving this woman if all responsibility but we are being realistic:
She is still healing and bleeding from giving birth.
She is still breastfeeding (probably),
She has toxic/overbearing/opinionated in laws who suggested she terminate a pregnancy and are now referring to that still EVEN THOUGH THE BABY IS HERE IN FRINT IF EVERYONE.
She has had a recent house move and all the stress and worry that goes with that.
She lives in a country with woeful maternity leave (US) and probably also prohibitive healthcare costs.
She has a husband who pesters her for sex.
She has a husband who won’t take any responsibility for contraception.
She has 3 young children to take care of.
She sounds absolutely exhausted, irritable and in need of some love and support and practical help not the sneering judgment of her intimate partner…

[quote alienbaby]@DeadoftheMoon

Why are you absolving this woman of all responsibility? She needs to get herself help. Shes an adult.[/quote]
She is an adult but she is potentially a very unwell adult. Not all adults are capable of seeking help when it is needed. If you'd been smashed up in a car accident would you expect to be told to ring the ambulance yourself by a bystander?

You need a vasectomy with some urgency. She needs a total break. And some help with what sounds like PND. Instead of bitching can your family actually give hands on help? I agree you should go out with all the kids and tell her to rest. Whatever happens, stop having sex until you have the vasectomy all clear.

@PamDenick

We’re not absolving this woman if all responsibility but we are being realistic: She is still healing and bleeding from giving birth. She is still breastfeeding (probably), She has toxic/overbearing/opinionated in laws who suggested she terminate a pregnancy and are now referring to that still EVEN THOUGH THE BABY IS HERE IN FRINT IF EVERYONE. She has had a recent house move and all the stress and worry that goes with that. She lives in a country with woeful maternity leave (US) and probably also prohibitive healthcare costs. She has a husband who pesters her for sex. She has a husband who won’t take any responsibility for contraception. She has 3 young children to take care of. She sounds absolutely exhausted, irritable and in need of some love and support and practical help not the sneering judgment of her intimate partner…

Very well put. Your post lacks emotional intelligence.

Oops I mean op’s post not yours @PamDenick

Fair enough, you all do have a point